My Stay at Home Husband Is Distant with Our Child

Oh dear, I'm not quite sure what to offer as far as advice, but I read something the other day that you may want to tell hubby. If a baby smiles at someone, and the other person shows little response (i.e. doesn't smile back), the baby can develop a little depression. It's very important for any caretaker, especially baby's parents to be responsive to all of baby's emotions, no matter what they are. Here are some SAHDad websites that were posted on mamasource in Nov 2006 (I hope they're still available websites!) that might help pep up his routine or daily agenda with raising his son and help him connect with other SAHDs.

www.slowlane.com
http://www.slowlane.com/connecting/sahds_online.html
http://www.rebeldad.com/index.html
http://fatherhood.about.com/od/stayathomedads/

But, then again, this may be his personality due to his raising and may not be changeable. Both parents need support when raising a baby whether its thru our family or other parents. There are working Mom meetups on meetup.com if you're interested in finding something for you as well.

A.,

This may or may not be the case with your hubby. My hubby stayed home with our son for the first 6 mos after birth and then again between 18 and 24 months old. He did a TON of stuff with our son. They were always at the mall, park, etc. But I know (not every day, but some days) there were days...maybe three or four days during the week (but not the weekends) that when I came home, that was his "him" time. There are plenty of stay at home moms like this also. You spend all day with a little one and do things with them, you need a break after awhile. I bet he does just fine when you are gone but is ready to get some "him" time without Carter when you get home. Good Luck!

When you come home do you see your husband playing with Carter? Stand by the door before you come in sometimes and maybe you can hear them playing. I know when I come home I can hear my husband with my kids (almost 3 and 1 year old) laughing and screaming. I catch them playing all the time. If your husband really is doing these things you should be able to see it. Also maybe get some crafts for him and Carter to do together. Not anything to hard, but he is able to color get color sheets, finger paints, markers (wonder colors are the best no mess) and anything else you can find. That will get him started with interacting with Carter. I would also just sit down and talk with your husband and tell him that when you are home you still need his help just a little. He does need some down time and you need to respect that, but when baby #2 comes you will need his help even more.

i am sorry i dont think he needs a break from having him until noon, or u serious. i have both of my girls all day till hubbie gets off at 6..00 so from 8.00 when they wake up till 6.300 or 7 is when i get my break.......he should be grateful that one u r working and 2 thay u get off at noon to spend time with your family, as most of us are wtg all day and night....anyway sorry had to put my two cents in oh and of course tell him how u feel, if your child needs more attention from his father than he needs to be told hey look spend more time with carter!!!!!!!! he will regret it, and the child so will beable to see whats going on soon enough. i know i have a 3 and 11 mth old. anyhoo always here to listen.....UFC FIGHTS OH LORD I DONT WANNA COMMENT ON THAT! What is he doing about looking for extra in come for the family, he can b doing that on line to.

A.,
You are very lucky and need to remember that. I agree with Steph (but not about the nanny cam)... he's probably thinking "you're turn to take care of baby" when you get home.

If my husband had come home and told me how to play with our children and what I should be doing with them when he was off to work....there would've been a serious amount of yelling going on.

He is your child AND your husband's child. As long as he provides basic needs and safety during the day, you should not be telling him what to do. It fine to talk about it and give suggestions, as long as you don't expect your suggestions to be followed. That would be giving orders, not suggestions.

Just think about how you'd feel if your husband came home and said he didn't believe you played with your son during the day? You would not be in a listening mood.

So be supportive. Think how bored out of his mind your husband must be all day. I know I was bored, as much as I loved being home. Ask your husband if he needs to get out with his friends for dinner or something when you get home or a movie whatever. He needs support and his own time. You don't say what else he does, if he's taking classes or not. So I'm thinking he must be very bored if he does nothing else.

I suggest you talk to your husband more. Not as soon as you get home. Take over Carter-care and let your husband get out. After Carter is in bed, vocalize your feelings without criticizing him. Explain that you're feeling guilty or jealous that you can't be home more and that's why you worry about what goes on during the day.

Like I said, he's the Dad and he has to provide basic care. But he may never play with Carter the way you would and it's not right to expect him to do so. The care each of you give will always be different and since you both love your son, it'll be wonderful however it is done.

Your husband may see you being home as 'break time' for him. My husband and I take turns staying home - we each work half the week. I have definitely noticed that the one who has been home all day DEFINITELY expects the other parent to take over when they get home - at least for an hour of sanity producing don't touch me time.

Given that your husband's family isn't a touchy feeley group - he may feel the need for it more acutely than most.

I'd also stop trying to make it up with Carter. You love him your way. Let his daddy love him his. He may get more involved (even when you're there) as Carter gets older - cubscouts, karate, little league... at the same time, there's less physical touching in a 24/7 period.

You could always get a nanny cam.

S.

My hubby was very distant from our children when they were little.. but now that they are 3 and 5 he is alittle closer. I can honestly give you no advice other than talking to him about they way he was treated as a child. If it bothered him talking about it is the only thing that is going to help maybe open his eyes to it. Other than that nothing helps till he decides its important enough to change. He might also think you are nagging him. Lead by example. Good luck.