My Step Children 9 and 11 Dont Do Thier Home Work

i've been having problems with my 13 yr old too. we pulled him out of ALL sports until his grades came up. he knows if they drop again, he will be permanently off the team. we have tried everything and this seems to be helping for the time being. i wish you luck in this, it will be difficult. C.

You said they were both in scocer so if they don't do there homework. Tell them they can't go to soccer pratice. My mom {when i was in 1-6 gread} would take something that i really liked to do and said that i could not have it back until my homework was done or I cleaned my room ect.

Blended families are not easy huh?

But truth be told, having been married twice myself, I have to say....

Unless the children are being mistreated, neglected, or abused, MOST of the time it's better to just stay out of it...

I know, that seems so wrong to me too, you're part of this family too....your husband should value your opinion...and you certainly need to voice that while he and his ex are in charge of their children that you have very different views and will not be parenting your own child that way.

But when it's all said and done, they are their kids, and they have the right to screw them up all they want.

Now...fast forward until your child is older....

If step brothers/sisters become a danger or bad influence over your own child your role changes, because protecting your child is your primary concern.

Try to just be calm, stand back, and let them make this mistake. We probably all think it's a mistake to allow children to be the boss, homework and education should be the number one priority, soccer and other activities ... like television or video games should only come after school work is finished.

Hang in there !

OH HELL NO! Don't stoop to the bribing for homework (for anything if you can get away with it)! First, you'll never teach them the importance of doing their work and second, you'll never stop the bribery... You want them to do their homework...they come home and don't get to do ANYTHING until it's done. NO PHONE, NO COMPUTER, NO TV, NO SOCCER, NOTHING... I don't care how much you paid for uniforms, league play, whatever... Know where your priorities are and stick to your guns. If you don't now, they will ALWAYS run over you. AND if you don't stop this behavior now, what are you going to do when they start dabbling in alcohol, drugs or sex? Nothing, because you have NO CONTROL...you just gambled it all away for the price of XXX that they wanted.

YOU are the parent (and please show this to your darling hubby). Act like it. Your kids are expecting it from you. It may be hard to do, but it'll be a lot harder later if you don't do this now. You're not a parent because of the popularity contest...do the job you signed up to do. Yes, it's called tough love.

I would also check around and see if anyone is offering any local parenting classes like 1-2-3 Magic, Love and Logic, or Common Sense Parenting. The classes will teach you some really good basics about dealing with this kind of behavior but moreover, it reinforces that you aren't the only parent out there dealing with it AND others have survived it. Heck, they'll even give you the blueprint as to what worked for them...tried and true! I'd even suggest the classes for the ex-wife and her beau...EVERYONE needs to be on the same page. The kids are playing on their parents and taking advantage of the divorce.

I know you've already received lots of advice, but I also have a step-son. He is great, we've never had issues really...I've been lucky! However, from my teaching experience, I wanted to make you feel better on the bribery issue. Bribery is ONLY bribery if they get their reward 1st...and are then expected to do their homework. If they do their homework and then get the "treat", then it is considered Positive Reinforcement - which can actually help and teach the children in the long run in understanding how life works. IE. you go to work, you get your paycheck. So, I'm not sure which type the mom is using? But it is also a fine line. It's normal to use a little Positive Reinforcement for all children - if they do their homework 2 nights in a row without problems, then they get to chose dinner that night? Small things like that can help motivate a child...and really make them feel like part of the family & that they get a say in what happens in the house. Good luck & I hope it works out!

I am a mom of one and a step mom of two and sometimes it's very difficult to be a step parent. I think you should just let him handle it. Your child is very young and won't even know what is going on. By the time she is in school the others will be in high school and you have the power over how you raise your child. You can explain to her that their situation is different. That you will have had different expectations for her. Step parenting is very frustration at times. Hang in there. Hopefully your husband will be nicer about it in the future. He has no idea what it's like.

My perspective on this is very different. As adults we do very little for free. If we are very honest with ourselves there is a pay off for nearly everything we do. If we work, we get paid for that work. Even stay at home mothers work hard to find sales and ways to save money and a penny saved is a penny earned. We clean our homes because it looks and feels so good to have it done. I see nothing wrong with a child having something to work for. School is their work so why shouldn't they be paid for it?

I'm not talking about a lot here. With our girls my husband would pay them only for report cards. 50 dollars for an A, 20 dollars for a B and they had to pay us 20 dollars for C's. We didn't have provisions for less than that because we didn't need them. The few times something like that happened our girls buckled down and changed it quickly. Also, these were earnings for only the 2 big report cards per year, not the progress reports. It's not that much money if you think about it. It's clothing money and allows them some money to spend on Christmas presents or birthday presents for friends. Often the money didn't get spent on themselves directly.

In a perfect world it would be nice if everyone worked for the satisfaction of making the world a better place. But in the real world money makes the world go round.

Suzi

I am not sure if you are going to like what I am about to say but here goes any way. The situation is not only homework, but step kids, dad and stepmom. I am assuming that you are involved in making sure that home work gets done or you would not be asking the question. My thoughts on this subject are like this. He told you to mind your own business, apparently he does not consider this any of your business. Then stop worrying about it. If you are responsible for seeing it gets done it would be your business. If he cant see that then stop doing it and let him know that if you have no say in it and it is not any of your business then you are not going to stand watch over them to make sure it gets done. If on the other hand you are not expected to help with it, them let it go and let him deal with it. I am more upset about his comment to you than I am about anything else. If he thinks it is none of your business then show him that you will abide by his wishes, and so be it!!! No more homework duty for the step mom!!

F., I don't beleive that children should be bribed to do homework. Nothing wrong with a reward for doing well in school (a movie at the end of a good quarter or something like that) but I don't think you should bribe a child to do anything that has to be done. After all as adults are we bribed to do our work. No and if we don't do it then there are consequences (like we loose our job). I don't bribe my kids to do their homework or chores. If they don't do home work (I do help them and make sure there is a time set aside for homework) then they either have to do it at their TV time or explain to their teacher why it's not done. And if they don't clean their room well when it's time to go do something with a friend or go outside to play - sorry not doing it, room isn't clean. It is easier said than done (and my kids are smaller then your step-kids). But if they don't learn good study habits then they are really going to suffer down the road and to many kids now think they should be paid to do everything. Check out some of Kevin Lehman's books. You may have to order them from the internet but they give really good advice and they are easy reads.

I think it is a bad precedent to bribe for homework. I think some things are just obligatory and the sooner children learn this fact of life, the better they will be. Now, my father paid me for good grades As and classical literature read which is beyond the call of duty. But, that was for motivation to do well OVERALL. If I could have made the grade without doing homework, well, then he probably wouldn't have cared. The homework overload here at some schools can be quite cumbersome, even for little kids. So, keep that in mind. My sister had to do 3 hours of homework with her 6 school kids per night, so she pulled them out to homeschool, as it is the same amount of hours. But, that isn't what you were asking. If there isn't anything you can do, just leave it be. But, how will he make them go to work or clean their own homes? You have to teach kids duty for the satisfaction of doing it and developing good character. "You aren't going to get paid by just doing normal things when you grow up. You are going to get the best jobs and the best pay by going beyond the call of duty and making yourself irreplacable." That is what I try to teach my children.

My daughter is 9 yrs old. Our house rules are if you make below a "C" you do not do sports.

I think minimal bribing is ok. Like if you do this for me you can get this. Nothing too big, but at 9 and 11 just completing the homework is not enough. We went through this with my step son. It started I think when he was about 9 and continued on. He lived with us at the time, and every evening we fought and fought. It was like pulling teeth to get anything accomplished with him. He was a good kid, just didn't like to devote time to school work. He too was a regular kid busy with ball and friends. But unfortunately as "just" the step mom you have very little say so. It's just a fact so get used to it. The sooner you do the better. We've been married for 10 years and I finally gave up shortly after our daughter was born. The most important thing to remember is not to take out your frustration with your husband and his ex wife on the kids. Because you'll just be causing undue stress in your own marriage and resenting the kids is just going to eat you up. Let's face it it's a fight you're not going to win. Just love the kids despite their parents behavior. This is easy for me to say as it's not a part of my day to day anymore, but I did live through it...and I was a grade A resenter. I've been a part of my step son's life since he was 7 and he just turned 20 this month. We weathered the storm and now I am a very proud step mom.

this is long...sorry...I'm talkative this morning.

I would tell them if they don't do their homework or chores then they don't get to got to soccer practices or games and even lose their priviledges and if hubby goes as far as telling you to "bud out" then tell him that this kind of behaviour needs to stop and think about how it affects the fifteen month old as she grows older and starts seeing this kind of behaviour. If it comes down to it tell him if this doesn't stop then it could affect your marriage and the kids are running over you and your husband and there may be some severe probelms. You may want to seek counseling for your family by a pastor. Hope this helps. I'm a mom of an eighteen year old and he knew to toe the line when it came to school work as I would take away his priviledges such as Scouts or do something fun over the weekend because he chose not to do his work.

You are quite right about children shouldn't be bribed to do homework. Do we get bribed to do our house chores. No! We do it because it is part of life and has to be done.

If it were me handling the situation with my own child, I would tell her that if she doesn't do her homework she will not be able to do the things she likes (i.e. soccer).

Children have to realize there are consequences to their actions. Instead of thinking everything gets handed to them on a silver plate (I blame society nowadays on this), just because they are here.

As for as your husband goes, it is nice that he wants to include their mom in the decision, but there apparently was a reason that marriage didn't work out! He should also let you have a say in the matter instead of alienating you!

Hope this helped a litte. Good luck and God bless!

hello my son is 9 also and in 4th grade he doesnt want to do his homework either maybe they r depressed cus his parents are not together thats what im going thru my sons dad is not with us but he helps financially but he gets him when he wants and on holidays but thats not enuf he id adhd now i have to take him to a councelor cus he is depressed and has low self esteem so.maybe that will help you good luck......

Sounds like you're not getting much support in this area! Here's what we do and it works very well. We first let our kids know that it's their job to do well in school - that's the priority over all other activities. When their grades slipped and assignments were missed, I laid down the law. They have to do their homework at a set time at the kitchen table (in full view) together every day. The TV is off, and homework is their only duty. Of course, we get the whining - I don't have any homework. I tell them whether or not they have homework, they have to sit there at the table and go through each of their classes with their planner and ask themselves: did I understand everything today? Do I have a test I need to study for? Do I have everything I need for this class tomorrow? It's amazing how often the protest "I don't have any homework" turns into "Oh yeah, I'm supposed to do this worksheet" when they sit down and go through their planner.

Since they play soccer, you can lay down the law of no homework, no soccer. Bad grades, no soccer. Mine don't play sports, but with us it's, missed assignments, no hanging out with friends until all work is turned in.

When I started doing this at the end of last year, all my kids' grades went up significantly, like from D's and F's to A's and B's. When school and homework are expected and non negotiable, they get down to business and do it.

F., first off, I love your name! Second, your husband and his ex shouldn't be using bribery for anything. Once they start, that will be what his kids expect from now on. They will purposely not do things so that they will get bribed and get things they want. If I were your husband I would take Soccer away from them until they started doing their homework and their grades got better. I know their grades are probably suffering b/c I have two around the same age and when they don't do their homework they get lower marks. I speak from my own experience on this, my parents took dance away from me when I was 9 because I wasn't doing homework and started failing. I couldn't go back until my grades were higher (which took until the next year)I was hard headed, but did wise up. So, Please talk to your husband about not using the bribery. Taking things that mean to much to them away will work better (we do it with our kiddos). And don't start the bribery issue with your daughter. Learn from this experience. Good luck and God Bless.
P.S. You are part of the family, whether your husband realizes it or not, but you will be helping with those kids until they are 18. If you can't get involved now then when it really counts later on, they won't listen to you, you will just be the step mom. You married into the family, therefore you are part of their lives now too. You don't need to help with the major decisions, but you should be able to put your two cents in.

Well, if he told you to mind your own business then let it be his. If he wants to create monsters then let them be his monsters and not yours. You don't agree with this horrible idea of the kids' parents(which I agree with you is the dumbest thing I have heard of) so don't be a part of it. Kids do homework without being bribed, what happens when they are older and don't want to do other things, who bribes them then? If your husband doesn't want you to be a part in the decision making then don't be a part of their final decisions. But if he is acting like this(no respect to you) then the one chiid you have with him would be the only one if I were you.

Good luck,
D.

I know this is late sorry, I agree totally with you. You dont bribe what is expected of you. they should know better. This is setting their future for always wanting to be rewarded before the act. The reward comes from the result of their actions,once the grades are in then say your hard work paid off and then something for job well done. They are putting the cart before the horse. It is not a wise act to do. I dod not see the end of your email, If he thinks you should not be involved he needs to rethink Good luck to you.

Don't let them watch tv, play with friends, go to soccer, ect if they haven't finished their homework. Homework coms first, then play. They will figure out they should do their homework after a few days of missing all the fun stuff.

I agree with Suzi L. There is nothing wrong with getting a little reward for doing something we don't like to do.
I have never thought a "punishment only" way of parenting is good for children. Punishment alone is only half of the learning experience. It's not good for children OR adults.
We all, even as adults, find ways to reward ourselves now and then or else we would soon be very unhappy and unmotivated people.
Discipline means "to teach". That includes instruction and rewards as well as punishments.
Now to the practical application of that ....
If you are the one that is responsable for seeing to it the children do their homework, sit down with them and offer help and encouragement where they need it. (DON'T do the work FOR them, however.) Set a timer with a reasonable amount of time for the assignment at hand. If the child gets the assignment done before the timer goes off, the child gets a small reward (that you and the child have agreed upon before the task began.) Rewards for this can be as simple as a cookie, or extra time on the video games.
If the timer goes off before the task is finished, no reward, but no punishment either if the child was truly trying.
The first few times you do this, be very generous with the time you allow so the child does not get discouraged right away, but enjoys winning the game of "beat the clock". After a full week of beating the clock every night, you can offer a better weekly reward, like pizza night, or a trip to get ice cream, or whatever works for your kids.
This method worked VERY well for our son who has ADHD and had an extremely hard time staying on task when he was in school. He loved just trying to beat the clock, and I think even just the thrill of that would have been reward enough for him. He thought it was great fun !
Now that same son is a full grown man with a full time job, a wife, two children, and a third child on the way. He is responsable and a good husband and father, and a very decent person. He does not expect that things he wants will be given to him, he does not even ask his father and I for anything. He fully expects to work for what he wants and takes pleasure and pride in knowing that he earned what he has.

I also agree with the mom who said if your husband says it is not your business, and you are not the one responsable for making the children do their homework, then don't worry about it. It is between he and the children's mother.
While I don't approve of such an attitude (because it is unhealthy for the "new" family) there are a lot of people who feel this way, and don't want the "new wife" involved with the children from a previous union. You are not alone in having this type of relationship. It's sad though, because the children and all others involved could gain so much and be so much happier and healthier if all the adults could work together for the good of the WHOLE family.

Well, if nothing else, I have offered you a great way of dealing with school work with your OWN child when she is old enough for school.

I wish you well.

I know that it is hard, but you have to think about this as if you were the divorced one. Both your husband and his ex-wife are on defense-mode. That is their children, and yes, you probably feel that they are now just as much a part of your life. Props to you for being sooo involved and actually caring that they are in need of an education. The only way to reach an agreement with your husband is to show him how much you love your step-children and want to see them succeed. It is most-likely too late to get through to your husband about punishments. He needs to see that you are not "judgemental" about his children, as well as his ex-wife and his own parenting style that they have both agreed on. Try reaching him through just showing him how much you love and care for his children, without over-stepping boundaries, by trying to enforce your own rules on his children. Now, I suggest that you do inform him that it will be different with your 15 month old. Tell him that you will set early rules and this child will have to have homework done by a certain time before fun (soccer games, etc.). Also, it doesn't hurt to say, "We will be putting school first. I want my child to have an education". Good luck.