I'm at a loss. Every morning is such a battle. He has to get his clothes himself and dress himself. He can't decide which shirt to wear, which pair of jeans, which pair of underwear. He goes through his sock drawer, pulls out a pair of socks, "Maybe this one! No," puts it back, grabs another, "Maybe this one! No!" I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.
I try to hurry him along, but I'm never aloud to help. If I try to help I get a chourus of, "I can do it myself." He actually sings the song from The Backyardigans.
We don't have much time in the morning, but I try to be as patient as I can. If I am not patient, he pees his pants. Yesterday and today I took him to daycare in "pee pants" with no shoes on. By this time I'm practically in tears apologizing to his teachers. They are so understanding, but I just feel so alful.
We have the same struggles at bedtime. I don't know what to do. If I'm patient, he will take forever. If I try to help, he just gets so upset you can't even talk to him.
I don't know how to help him or even where the problem stems. Help! What can I do?
ETA - Not sure if anyone will see this by now, but here goes. I'm not sure how I would even go about limiting his options. Many people suggested I simply pick out his clothes or limit his choices. I'm not trying to be sarcastic, but do your kids not have access to their own dressers? He shares his room with his brother (and they are about the same size). The only way to limit his options would be to move both their dressers into a different room and lock the door.
The challenge I'm having is most evident in getting dressed for the day or for bed. But clothing isn't the problem. The problem is that he is incredibly independent (or wants to be) for his age. He doesn't want any help from me, and he isn't capable of doing everything by himself. I would love to be able to dress him, but he is really, really strong and will fight me tooth and nail to take off any clothes I try to put on him.
Maybe my question is what are some good strategies for working with very spirited 3 year olds.
I have a 22 month old so I am not to that stage yet. However, I have read that it's a good idea to limit their choices. So what if you picked out two outfits and 2 pairs of sock and let him choose which one he wants to wear. That way he is still getting to make a decision but it gives you more control. Good luck!
We pick out my daughter's outfit the night before and there are no changing it. She wakes up gets her previously picked out clothes and gets dressed. It cuts down on a lot. Believe me, my daughter is also stubborn about getting dressed, as she wants to wear a dress everyday despite the weather, and if she had her say, it would be a sleeveless dress. Give him a timer. At night time give him a timer on things. What ever he wants to get done has to be done by the timer, or you wil do it. We give my daughter a countdown. She still doesn't have a concept of time, but she knows 5 minutes, 2 minutes, 1 minute than up to bed. Works in our house with our stubborn little girl.
Only give him a couple of options as far as clothing and have him pick it and wear it to bed the night before. Start the bedtime routine a bit earlier and give him a set amount of time to select and get into his pjs. If he hasn't chosen the pjs by the time his time is up, you choose and if he has a meltdown, put him straight in bed.
If he's over tired, that's part of the problem. You'll need to figure out how you can get him to bed earlier or, if he wears his clothes to sleep in, he may be able to sleep a bit longer in the morning. There's nothing harder to deal with then a tired 3 year old!
It is good to let our children have choices, but sometimes, they really cannot handle it. They are tired, hungry, excited, nervous.. whatever. It is just too much for them. We forget, they are still only little children. He is 3.
And so consider, only white socks from now on.. Get rid, or put away, the socks that have patterns or colors on them.
Same with underwear. One style.
Only have 2 choices or shirts and pants available for him. Tell him the rest need to be washed.
Consider allowing him to sleep in is clothes for the next day, or at least just his shirt and underwear.
Also, do not get pulled into the drama. if he just has a complete meltdown, just take his clothes with you and when you get to day care, dress him there.. No need for excuses. Your son will learn that when it is time to go, it is time to go..
I recall a meltdown with our daughter where she was half dressed, when I swooped her up into a tight grip, placed the rest of her clothes in her daycare bag, grabbed my purse and just marched out to the car with her.. I strapped her in..
She kept saying," I am naked, I am naked!!!"
I told her, "no your not, you have panties and a shirt on.. here, eat this toast, we will be at school in 5 minutes. " I then just stayed quiet. When we got to school. I took her out of her seat, stood her up and started dressing her. I did not say a word. I then marched her into class and told her. I love you. I will see you this afternoon and you look great.
She learned that I was not going to play these reindeer games with her in the morning. That evening, we had a talk at dinner about IF she wanted to pick out her clothes, she could not throw fits. IF she was too slow or threw a fit, I would take her to school like I did that morning, and I would get to pick out her clothes.
Never had another fit about clothes in the morning.
I have an extremely stubborn and independent 3.5yr boy too. He's been convinced for far too long that he can do everything by himself.
I let him have his choices but I make sure to limit them like others have stated. Giving them open free will with no boundaries will stress them out and they can't process it-- it's just like giving them too many choices.
What I do with my son is to tell him he can choose A or B ("this or that"). Sometimes it leads to a tantrum in which case I decide what he wears and that's the end of his choices. Deciding the night before also gives you a lead in the morning on time.
I would either let him pick his cloths out the night before so he has them ready to go in the morning and explain he can not change his mind in the morning, or cut down on some of the options. Pick out 2 shirst and say this one or that one. At 3 1/2 its good to learn independece and its great he wants to do things himself but he does not need to pick out everything. Same with bedtime. Get a routine and stick to it. Explain to him starting tonight when we say it time to get ready for bed you will put on jammies, brush teeth, read a book and lights out. Give yourself a good half hour before lights out to do this and stick to it. i dont know what time you are up and out the door, but my kids are 2 1/2 and 5 and its lights out by 8pm at night. we are up by 6am and they need good sleep. Let him know what is expected and stick to it. he will understand and my throw a fit about it for a while each night but eventually he will understand you are serious and go along with it.
That was the age we started letting our son just sleep in his clothes he would wear the next day. He still does this and he is now 8. I know, it's weird, but it lessons the battles. He is still a very stubborn kid...but things are a lot easier now in many ways. Hang in there. I've sure had my share of frustrations and tears...kids with this kind of personality are not easy. Since we have had his little sister I now know what it is like to have a more easy going child...she's very "normal". It's SOOOO easy. Parents who do not have a child like your son have no idea the amount you struggle each day parenting them. It is very exhausting. Make sure you make time for yourself to recharge.
I have a 3 1/2 year old who is also very stubborn, but the opposite. I am allowed to help him pick out his clothes, however he will take forever putting them on, instead play with the dog, legos, etc. How about picking out his clothes the night before as someone else suggested? I will pick out his shorts then let him pick the shirt, but only 2 options. The less options the better because they are so indecisive at this age. Bring extra clothes and shoes if needed to school, and he will eventually get the point, but it may take longer than you would like. We have a very tight schedule in the am too, so my kids are in bed with a story by 8pm every night since they have to get up at 6:15-6:30am, so that could very well be the problem and will help if he gets more sleep. Kids need routine and will adapt very well if it's enforced consistently. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has issues with my 3 1/2 year old, thanks for the post.
this might be an even bigger project, but i just had my first child so dont hate my idea too much... could you on the weekend in your spare time (if you have any and it wont take him all day) have him pick out a "monday outfit" a "tuesday outfit" and so on??.. and keep them all seperated in the drawer.. like put his monday pants/shirt/undies/socks all in a pile and tuesday next to it and so on that way in the morning he just has to take the clothes out and dress himself... or will he totally not go for that??
My son is 3 1/2 too and can be very stubborn. Lately, he's very stubborn and also running around just doing each thing that he know gets him in trouble! Tough age...
So 1st I was wondering about wetting his pants. Is that b/c he is mad and he does it on purpose, or is it b/c he gets upset and has an accident?
Maybe you could put a time limit on him getting dressed? Is he capable of dressing himself? My son is not - he can do parts but needs help. Maybe set a timer or the oven timer or something and say ok when this buzzes (3 minutes? later) if you are not dressed mommy is going to help you. Or you could do it for when you are leaving. We are leaving the house in X number of minutes and if you arent dressed then mommy is going to help you. Or you will have a consequence.
In general I try to give forced choices. My son says I want a popcicle for breakfast. I say " you can have yogurt or cereal" He says again " I want a popcicle" I say" I understand that, but that is not a choice." Then he either chooses one of my choices or the next option is "Breakfast or no breakfast?" and he will usually choose breakfast and one of my choices. I try to acknowledge what it is that he wants and tell him that it isn't an option. That seems to calm him down b/c he feels heard, but understands that he isn't getting his way. So he can choose something or nothing at all...
My other method is spending lots of time at the park and running a lot to get the energy out!! :)
Good luck
I would say that two great strategies for working with a spirited 3 year old are 1) consistently sticking to your plan for getting dressed for the day and for bed (and you've received some excellent advice/suggestions) and 2) consistent consequences for his battling/fighting/rebelling against what you tell him to do. This is what I do with my spirited 3 year old. He was one unhappy camper tonight because his consequence for being aggressive at preschool today (something we're working on) was not watching Disney Junior tonight. But he's learning his actions have consequences.
If you have to move both dressers to another room and lock the door, do it. You can have both of your boys pick their outfits out at the same time and it will eliminate the 3 year old going through the drawers. You HAVE to do what you need to do and you're the only one who can decide what that is. And I'm guessing that since you posted here you're pretty tired of the way things are.
My 3 yr old dilly dallies. It isn't so much that she's stubborn, but she just takes forever to do every little thing. Drives me NUTS.
We use a timer. I set a few minutes for her to do whatever task is at hand and if she beats the timer, she gets a reward...an extra story at bedtime, 5 more minutes at the park, dancing in the living room for a set number of songs, etc. If she doesn't beat the timer, she doesn't have time to do those fun things.
Have him pick his clothes the day before (with a time limit), but not at bedtime since you have issues then too. Maybe pick them out after quiet time. And if he isn't in his jammies quick enough he doesn't get a story, and maybe even has to go to bed without pjs.
I don't know about moving the clothes out of his room, that could be a huge hassle, or not even possible depending on your home. But you can certainly limit his options by putting his clothes away differently. Instead of putting them away by piece of clothing (shirts together, pants together, socks together), you could designate one drawer that you put away complete outfits as sets, then he can pick from that drawer only, and of course you'll only have a few outfit choices in it every day.
Clothes - remove his options. Take all the clothes out of his room. Put the dresser in another room, take the hanging clothes and put them in another room. In the morning bring him two choices. He either wears those voluntarily or you put them on him. If he has trouble with two outfits then the next day only bring him one and tell him that he obviously couldn't handle two choices, so sorry, you just get one, we'll try two again on Saturday when I have a bit more time. Since he shares with his brother, yep, move both dressers. Maybe the garage or basement is where they need to go, but either you take control you continue on this path. Those are your only options. This will not solve itself if you are letting the 3 yr old determine your life. If he fights you then he needs to go to school naked one day. If his teachers understand the peed pants, they will understand naked. Trust me. Wrap a towel around him as you bring him in, deposit him in the bathroom with his clothes and say good bye without a hug or kiss as now you are hurt and can't do it. Trust me once or twice and he will respect you again.
I can do it myself's - SUPER, I am so glad he wants to. Please let him. BUT tell him that you are setting a timer and for however long it takes him to do it you are putting him to bed earlier that night. So, if he wants to stay up "late" (till 7:45 at latest) then he better be quick.
Pee pants - again, tell him he will then have to go to bed earlier because only babies pee their pants and therefore he has to be in bed at a baby bedtime. Make HIM change his clothes again.
You may have to wake up earlier for a few days, but trust me, start being "mean" and he will get it really quick.
Bedtime - let him go to bed naked or just with a diaper. Take the lights and all stuff out of his room, take 5 minutes and read him a story, brush his teeth, give him the option of getting in the pj's you hand him, tell him you love him and it's time to have a good sleep. Then, no more anything, just leave the room taking the light with you and lock the door from the outside. This is actually the safest way to have a door for a child under 6. You want to know where they are, you do not want them to be able to lock you out, you want to be able to find them in a fire or emergency not have them wandering around. So, turn the doorknob around and lock it at night. He will no longer be an issue of pokiness.
In my years of daycare the spirited kids that end up in trouble in grade school are the ones where the parents didn't take control at 3 yrs old. The ones who did the "mean" things ended up with kids that knew how to behave for adults. You can say that I am extreme, but sometimes being a parent requires that.
