My Two Year Old Entered the Terrible Twos in Full Swing- Thanks for All the Help

Dear H.,

Awful, isn't it? Okay, if you do what I tell you, then you will get a handle on this behavior - and you and your son will be closer friends. This is a sort of long story, and I have told it before and will continue to do it until I die.

Many years ago I was a student preschool teacher. There was a notorious, did I spell that right? - anyway a three year old that was totally out of control, cursing, spitting, screaming all that stuff. One day he was doing his usual and I was able to take him into a vacant classroom, chairs and tables and paper on the walls for lessons later on. He screamed and kicked and pushed down chairs, and tore the paper off the walls and cried with snot running down his face for about 45 minutes. I just stayed there to keep him from hurting himself, and trying to keep the chairs from being damaged, he picked up one to throw it at me, but being just a three year old, he couldn't, so he cried and screamed even worse. After he calmed down I took him in my arms, cleaned up his face, and asked him if he was thirsty. He nodded yes, so we walked outside hand in hand to the drinking fountain. He was so short that I had to lift him up for his drink. The water was not swallowed, it bulged in his cheeks, so I knew that it was going onto my face. I asked him if he could spit that water over the nearby fence, and he tried. Then he got a real drink, and went off to play. He was never the same mean little bully after that. ....on the last day that students were in that school, and I was at the door to leave. He came up to me and asked if I had any little boys at home, and I said no, my son was an older boy - he then asked if he could come home with me. I cried.

I always pray for him and think of him often, his name was Earl, he was beautiful.

Often after that I saw him sharing his beloved tricycles with other children. No, he didn't have to say he was sorry - they aren't, you know, they just are little children, and can't even remember what they did or someone else did to make them upset.

No long talks, just reminders, and lots and lots of love and you know all of that stuff. Dad doesn't need to be upset with his son either. You could get a book called "Real Boys" - I think that it is about $5 on Amazon. A great book about real boys who grow up to be real men.

I almost forgot to mention that the first time he gets up from the time out before you tell him that it is time to get up. You either get down and force him to stay in the chair, which could turn out to be a war - so never mind that - just put him into his room, and you with him, shut the door and stand by it until he is finished crying and screaming. Sorry, but necessary. We just have to somehow get to these little ones that they are not absolute monarchs - we make the rules and they follow them - but talking doesn't get through to them, not yet, and sometimes I think, ever. But, the important thing is that we continue trying and trying and never give up.

Good Luck, C. N.

I really liked what the previous responder had to say. I think it's good advice. I also have about 2 year old and he has definetly gone from a "good" boy to have a tantrum almost daily. I once heard someone say to a child in a similiar situation to "use your words" Which I thought was brilliant until I realized what words does a 2 year old know what to say. I read that teaching your child how to identify what their emotions are and expressing them reduces the tantrum greatly. So I am now working on learning emotions. Anger, frustration, sadness, scared, etc. We watch other kids having a tantrum and I say, "See that little boy is very upset. He is mad because his mother said he can't have that toy." I also found signing the emotion is even more helpful if they have difficulting talking. I already see a difference in my son. Also you might read "Happiest Toddler on the Block" Another good resource. Best of luck and keep us posted.

Hi, H.. Boy DO I have advice! :-) For those on here all the time, the following may be redundant; I copied and pasted from what I wrote once before. It's long. I have a lot to say and am VERY passionate about this subject.

I'm a childcare provider (without openings; not trying to promote myself). I'm especially successful with toddlers. The key is to really tune in and be able to interpret what it is they're trying to say. Getting this in-tune takes lots of bonding time. Ignoring you is usually their way to say "I don't want to," or "I'll do it myself," or "I wonder if I can predict what comes next (accurate prediction builds trust)..." It is not "typical," as many will tell you, for a toddler to act aggressively (deliberately setting out to hurt another) or to constantly tantrum. It IS normal and HEALTHY for a toddler to start to express their individual temperament, opinions and personality. A toddler's tantrum is a cry for your help. They have overwhelming emotions and can only express through instinct. Knowing this, the best response is to stay close, make sure they're safe, calmly say that you understand what they're going through and let them know you can hold them when . . .(they stop kicking, they're ready, etc.). Your voice and eyes should be calm and accepting. Don't ignore, stifle, shame, admonish or punish ANY expression of a child's. They need empathy, first and foremost. They need to know we're there in support and have waiting arms for them. This doesn't mean we should never feel frustrated or irritated; we just can't outwardly express that to them. Our own reactions and feelings have nothing to do with them, and we should not make them responsible for our own limitations. Usually, we feel powerlessness and it's expressed as anger. Your toddler's tantrums are among your first opportunities to build your child's confidence in your unconditional love, which is the most important piece of his/her self-esteem and success. Unconditional love doesn't stay or abandon, based on behavior. Unconditional love says,"I'm sorry to see you this way. I understand it's hard when (you can't take the toy, you have to wait for your turn, you can't have...). You're going to be o.k., and I'm here to hold you if you want me to." Make sense?

On "Time Out": I believe that "Time Out" was developed as a tool for parents to help themselves, not the children. I think it was considered better than physical punishment, and so it became a popular method. It's the same advice given in Anger Management. *Quite frankly: The professionals found a compromise to get parents to stop beating their kids* But it's still very often done in anger, which delivers the same message to a child. The "1-2-3-Timeout"-type methods seem to be written by mathematicians, not childcare professionals. They simply DON'T WORK the way we wish they did. And they make parents feel inadequate and confused. We can punish ANYONE into submission and compliance, but it kind of defeats the whole purpose of parenting, to me. Bless Supernanny's heart; I think she's a fabulous personality, who is EDITED for T.V. *BTW: In the news last week: One of her past 3 y.o. subjects started a housefire, and the mother says her children are worse now and "played up to the camera" when Jo was there.* I think the conventional use of "Time Out" teaches nothing and can be as harmful as physical punishment. I believe it also escalates unwanted behavior and teaches children to be passive-aggressive. It says "don't!" and leaves out the "how to" for the child. I think cookie-cutter methods (Operant Conditioning) work for puppies, not humans. I believe in building a child's inner happiness and self esteem - and not treating symptoms of their unhappiness instead.

Try this approach (if you don't already do this): When he's tantrumming next, take a deep breath, remember that he's a tiny person with an overwhelming emotion that he can't control, and that he is crying out for your help. Calmly tell him that you understand he's upset/disappointed/scared (etc.) and that you hear him and want to help him. Make sure he can't hurt himself or you, but stay close and DON'T ignore him (Ignoring him is the same as abandoning him: condtional love, based on BEHAVIOR). If you're in public, carry him off to the car. Sit with him until he comes out of it. He needs to know you're a support and that he is safe to express his feelings with you. Touch him and talk soothingly. When he's done, he should come to you for holding; if he doesn't initiate this, pick him up and hug him. Tell him, e.g.: "I know it's hard when you don't get ...(??)." At this point, he'll most likely redirect himself, or lead you to engage with him in, an acceptable activity. You'll have to consistently do this for about a week before he starts to accept the change. Then he'll probably regress a little: swinging wildly the other way, to test your commitment. Eventually, he will learn when he's getting out of control, and will be able to come to you for support before, or right when, he starts raging. The goal is to get him to express the HONEST emotion, not to cut off expression. Letting him feel momentary disappointment with your support will keep him from turning to hurt others.

Tantrums should not be embarrassing. People who think children should act like little robots are the ones with the "problem." Ignore the old ladies who glare at you for the way your child "misbehaves." By listening to your child's language and responding lovingly and empathetically, you are reinforcing the most IMPERATIVE foundation that your child will need throughout his life: his bond with his parents, and belief in their unconditional love. You can't shame him for FEELING. Children can be stifled and punished into "behaving" any way we want them to - but, as in everything, the easy way is usually the wrong way.

You might also want to re-evaluate your childcare provider. If she is insisting that he share, complaining and offering no solutions, calling his behavior words like "mean," and advocating so much Time Out, you really need to consider changing to some place more progressive, compassionate and individualized. I STRONGLY believe that these methods that were so popular last generation have led to EPIDEMIC egocentricity, apathy and low self-esteem.

I'll post a couple links that elaborate on my advice, and give more of the "what to DO." Lastly, "Smart Love" is, IMO, the best parenting book ever written. I'll post a summary of it, too.

Smart Love:
http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/parenting/smart_love....
Positive Discipline for Preschoolers: http://www.randomhouse.ca/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9780...
WONDERFUL parenting articles: http://www.handinhandparenting.org/articles.html

Take care of yourselves,
J. Smithson
Loving Hands Learn 'n' Play
http://www.lhlearnandplay.com

HI H. -- It is so hard to give advice without the full picture but here is the rundown:
1) Get him a physical check-up to make sure he does not have some underlying condition such as a chronic earache, tooth problem etc. In medicine they use the term R/O which means "rule out". So you want to "R/O" any possibility of a PHYSICAL illness or discomfort.
2) Ignore any advice anyone gives you to check for "mental" illness or put him on any drugs. There are no solutions there, only a potential masking of the actual source of the problem or a worsening of it.
3)Well done on watching the Super Nanny. Keep applying it. I've seen it work. Make sure he knows the rules to the game. There have to be things that are okay for him to do, as well as letting him know what isn't okay. It may be time consuming now as you keep insisting on the rules and putting him on his "time out spot" but it will pay off eventually. I've been through this myself. I created quite a problem with my daughter because I would say "no" to something she wanted, then I would give it to her anyway after she fussed enough. That, by the way, is the absolute wrong thing to do and we created a "monster" when we did that, which we later corrected by enforcing the time outs and sticking to what I said. If I said "no" I stuck to it.
4)Does your son have things that belong exclusively to him? If he does and they are his, he should be allowed to control them and not share those things unless he decides. If he doesn't have anything that is exclusively his, then give him some things that are his to control. Put yourself in his shoes when it comes to making decisions: Would you want someone to tell you that you have to let me wear your favorite blouse because you have to share? Is it "my turn" to use your lipstick? See what I mean? He is a person just like you and me and is entitled to own his own shoes, toys etc.

At the daycare, the toys are owned by the daycare,so you can help him differentiate. When he's home:" These are your toys, you don't have to share them and no one is allowed to take them from you, they belong to you." "This is your shirt..." etc. Then at Daycare: "These toys (this truck -- the more specific the better) belong to (name of daycare.) These do not belong to you (said with a smile and love)they belong to her. (Daycare person). Here, all the children have to share the daycare's toys." Most daycare's will not let a child bring his favorite toys because they do enforce sharing and need to do this.
5) Next. You are a single mom with a full time job and taking a class. I suspect your son wants YOU. So you need to set aside time just for him. Tell you son this (next hour -- whatever time) is HIS time. Then give it to him. Do not answer the phone or do anything else. Ask him what HE wants to do and do it. Play with him. No TV on in the background. Just give him your full attention for that time. When the time is nearly up, let him know he has 10 more minutes, and then end in 10 minutes. Also tell him when the next time is that is "his time" and then meet that agreement.

6) Whenever he does anything right -- really praise him! Put a lot more attention on things in his life and environment that are OKAY for him to do. He may be experiencing too many things being taken from him, too many "no's" and not enough things that are okay for him to do pr touch. I don't really know, I'm not there, but a child can get into a "protest" and a "rebellion" when he loses his own self-determinism which is his right to make choices -- limited though they are at age two -- he has to be able to assert some things that are okay for him to assert -- as all of us humans need to do.

Please let me know if this helps. I work with parents to help them with their rebellious children and I always like feedback. Thanks, K. S.

Thank you Kristina for saying something. I am so sick of seeing parents let their kids get away with acting terrible most of the time. As the mother you are the boss and you should never let your children hit you or anyone else unless they are defending themselves. This doesn't mean that my almost 3 year old has never hit me but I hit her on the lips or flick my finger on them as soon as she's done it. This had only happened a couple of times. They will get the message. You say firmly, "you don't hit me that hurts!" As for tantrums, I only has this happen 2 times at home and I walked away and ignored her. If your not rewarding by more attention they will stop. When I have caught my toddler not playing nice with other kids I have told her that is not nice and I make her say sorry to the child and let her know she will not be able to play with friends if she is not nice. This is not to say that my 2 year old was always good behaved. Everyday you have to stay ontop of the situation, but I will not let my child hit me or tell me what to do. Don't be submissive you are the grown up and boss, take control as much as you can. Day care I can't help with mine stays with me, sorry. Good luck

H.,

I have just a thought to add to the advice previously given. You said that this all started about one month ago. It could possibly be something that changed or happened around that time. If it is something else it would be good to look at the relationships in his life. IE: His relationship with dad, has time with dad changed recently, your relationship with his dad, his relationship with grandparents and aunts/uncles, does his dad have a new relationship that might be upsetting to him, etc? Just an idea, I went through being a single parent for almost 10 years and at one point all three children were in counseling to help them deal with their feelings about the divorce. Hope there isn't anything for him to be upset about but if there is, it helps him to know that you are dealing with it together.

Evelyn

Just a couple of things to add:
1. Consistency - you, your child's father, any care providers must all have the same disciplinary tactics
2. Two year olds do not know how to reason and do not repsond to talking. Talking them through a tantrum, saying No when they hit, etc. is part of establishing consistency now, but he will not remember or respond to reason until at least 3yo.
3. Time out can work, but for a 2yo, time out is about 30-60 seconds. Returning him to time out multiple times over the course of 30 minutes will only be frustrating for everyone and he will forget why you are doing this. Once he is 3 or 4 and he gets out of time out, you must return him as many times as it takes. Remember, attention span is about 3 X age in years so for a 2yo it is 6min max.
4. Some of his change in behavior may be due to a change in the environment or a new desire for more attention as he recognizes himself as an individual. If you work and are a student, and he is in daycare with lots of kids all day, he may not get enough individual attention each day. It is hard, but try to look at his schedule, your schedule and read some books on single parenting, The Happiest Toddler on the Block, Touchpoints, and other resources about his development and discipline tactics.
Good luck!

I think yu are doing all of the right things Now add this. I know it sounds horrable but it might just shock him enough to work. HIT HIM BACK.If he hits you in the face hit him in the same place. Not hard but enough to get your point across. Then when the crying has stopped ask him if he liked it. His answer should be no. Then say see no one likes being hit. No more hitting. Fallow through every time have your husband do it as well.Sometimes kids don't understand that their actions hurt others.I did this with my daughter. I cryed so hard after it was all over but I am so gllad I did it. I hope it helps Krissy