Narcissistic Abusive Mother

First thing I would do is stop enabling her. You are not helping her by getting the pills for her. Set up boundaries with her. Know that she has a drug problem and that you are not dealing with her when you talk to her, you are dealing with the drug. She is not her trueself as long as she has them in her system. From what I know of people who are addicted to drugs, pills, alcohol, they are only concerned about themselves. So asking or expecting them to do anything for anyone else is unrealistic. Tough love is required here.

Ummm, ALL addicts are narcissistic. Your mom is NO different.

STOP GETTING HER DRUGS!

You're just helping her dig her early grave.

Why would you WANT a ride from an addict anyway?

If your mother has fibromyalgia, she should be seeing a doctor that can PRESCRIBE her medication to help her with her disorder. I have many family members and a few friends that have fibro and not a single one of them has to get narcotics....legally or illegally. It is illegal what you are doing for her by helping her get those medications, and insane that you let your daughter with her.

You ask why she would be so abusive to you in front of your daughter....while it could be something as complex as a mental health issue, drug addiction or chronic pain...you could also say its because you allow her to be abusive to you period.

Who is the narcissistic abusive mother? You or your mom? You don't see your daughter very much, you get drugs for your mom and you expose your daughter to your druggie mom. Yes, she is an addict and you are her drug dealer. Its time to stop the cycle, please! Get help for you and your mom before its too late.

I'm confused. You are upset because your mom was rude to you in front of your daughter, and raved on like a maniac which scared your daughter, but you don't seem to have a problem with her being addicted to pills and you sometimes get the pills for her?

You should stop enabling your mother. And I would certainly not be fine with an addict spending time with my child. Since you said she scared your daughter I would be talking to the father and letting him know what happened, and that you don't think your daughter needs to spend time with an addict. It just isn't safe nor is it setting a good example for your daughter.

I would tell the mom to get clean and not have anything to do with her, except to support her in overcoming her addiction.

I think you are upset over the wrong thing. Not saying it was okay for anyone to treat you that way or to scare your daughter, but personally I think your mom behaved that way because of the pills.

You are enabling your mother's addiction to pills.
This isn't narcissistic behavior - it's called drug addiction.

You need to stop enabling your mom...stop getting the pills for her. Stop being her punching bag...you are allowing her to treat you this way...you deserve better than this...

I would find out what I need to do to be self-sufficient - if that means moving to a place that is metro accessible or has a bus route - to take public transportation instead of relying on a taxi or someone else to get you around.

I would cease all communication with my mother until she got help for her addiction. Will this hurt? Yes. it will...but you are allowing yourself to be treated poorly and accepting her behavior instead of standing up for yourself and saying ENOUGH!!! I am better than the way you treat me and I deserve better treatment from you. It is OKAY to stand up for yourself. It is OKAY to demand people treat you better...

Calling your mom at 8PM? That wasn't the problem - the problem was most likely she was coming down from her "high" and needed her next fix and she took it out on you....is that acceptable? NO! Is that right? NO!!! You can do this - you can stand up for yourself!!

That's not narcissism that is a drug problem. Not sure why you are enabling her addiction.

Sweetheart, you are playing a role in this dynamic by trying to keep things on an even keel, or even buy your mother's love, helping her get her pills, putting up with her behavior. She is dedicated first to her own needs, not yours, and it sounds like she has been showing you that for years. Don't expect her to be something she is not – that's only going to cause you ongoing distress and hurt.

I suggest you read a couple of books on co-dependency, and get yourself involved with Al-Anon. Find out what your part is in your mother's self-involvement. You will have more choices and freedom, even if it means making some changes in your basic relationship with your mom.

Wishing you well.

J. - dont you have the answer already? She is "narcissistic", "abusive" and she is an "addict" which means what she is going to think about most is how things affect her and affect her ability to feed her addiction. Not much else matters to her deep down, I would imagine.

It's easy to get tied in to our loved one's issues thinking we are supporting them. I would HIGHLY recommend you take yourself out of your mom's drug loop for your sake and for your daughter's. You could end up on the wrong end of the law and your mom isnt getting any help.

EDIT: J. - sorry to hear that your mom has fm but if she is taking narcotics and they are not prescribed by her doctor . . . then a druggie is what she is . . . no matter the cause of her pain. It's time to talk with a licensed counselor to help you sort out your issues with mom. You are firmly entrenched in her disfunction and need some help breaking free of it.

if she needs pills for fibromyalgia, then her doctor can prescribe them to her. NOT have you get them. You are helping her addiction problem. This sounds very dysfunctional in many ways, I would not call her anymore in need and I surely would not get her anymore pills. Maybe she was messed up on pills when you called her. pills and alcohol addictions can manifest into attitude issues even when they are not presently messed up on the drug. it changes the person you are. Not very good grandma skills for your poor daughter either.

Dont give her your pills, it's illegal. Her doc will give her what she needs. She IS an addict if she's acting like she is towards you, stop enabling her.

Sounds like she didn't get her fix yet and was jonesin' for a pain pill.

If she is inconstant pain the Dr. should be giving her the appropriate amount of pain meds. My guess is her meds are addictive and she has a problem, just based on your post. Fibromyalgia is legit in many cases, but it is also the type of diagnosis that Drs. give when they have no other answer for complaints of chronic pain. I say this to suggest that your mom may be able to break her pain cycle in another way, but may be uninterested because she has grown to rely on the pills. Without even trying,I can think of three people who became addicted to pain meds, one of whom has a fibromyagia diagnosis. Just something to think about. Healthy choices make for healthy relationships, and supplying pills doesn't sound healthy to me.
Maybe redirect her to her Dr. and find new ways to relate to her.

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J., God Bless you. it sounds like a terrible situation to be in. Everyone who answered before right. But here's a simple breakdown for your problem, and for any other you might encounter. If you are uncomfortable or unhappy with someone or some situation, then stop engaging with it. There is no miracle that will happen because you acted in a certain way with someone who is abusive and addicted to drugs. You will not change her behavior. But you can change yours. What are you really getting out of the relationship and is that good for your life? No matter what the details of a story are you can ask these basic questions; How do I feel when I act this way? and, What can I do to make sure I feel good about my actions?

No one is forcing you to do any of the things you are doing. Sure your mom trained you, but like you said you are an adult now and even the most subversive forms of familial hypnosis must be addressed by the adult child. And that starts with choosing not to be in situations that dont feel good to you. Stop blaming your mom, take better care of yourself and feel better about your own choices starting now.

Good luck, old habits die hard. If one of your family patterns is drama and victimizing or being a victim it can be hard to be disloyal by stopping your involvement. But no one else in this situation is going to change it, and you can only change it by getting out of it.

I am sorry you had this experience. However, if your mother is asking you to help her get pills, then she has a problem and her mood swings are consistent with that. As long as she is abusing pain medication, it is unlikely that you will experience any consistent, thoughtful behavior from her. She is not capable of it and it is probably not a good idea to expose your daughter to it. Driving under the influence of pills is no better than driving under the influence of alcohol. Sounds like your mother needs help.

Your mom has a problem and needs help. If she has chronic pain and needs pain pills, her doctor needs to monitor her and help her with the feelings of withdrawal. You have a co-dependent relationship which isn't healthy for you, your daughter or your mom. If you could speak to someone, a counselor, pastor or someone from your church, that would help you put some of this in perspective and help you deal with your mom.

Your mother and my mother should get together and have a pill popping party. My mother also has a serious addiction to pain killers due to her fibromyalgia. She has a very addictive personality, and I she uses the crutch of a fibromyalgia diagnosis to fuel her pain killer addiction. We have had to start keeping her pills in a safe and my step-dad only gives her her perscribed dose everyday. Feeling sorry for her one day I allowed her to come over to get some of my left over pills (ones I didn't use after the birth of my son). I gave her the whole bottle in which she downed the whole thing (I didn't know) and then proceeded to drive home and get into a car accident. I could have lost her.
I now practice tough love with my mom. I just tell her I love her but will not aid her in her addiction. It really stinks having to be the grown-up sometimes. When my mom starts to act crazy around me, I just leave. I tell her I love her but for my own sanity, I can not be around her when she is like that. I tell her I hate seeing her like this and prefer to keep all my and kids' memories of her good ones.
You did the right thing by getting out of the car. Now stop suppling her. Yes, she is in pain because she is sick. Those pills are only a temporary fix that acctually cause more harm than good when abused. (I've been doing a lot of research on the issue)