Need Advice - 19 Month Old Girl Throwing up Whenever Disciplined

When my daughter was around 4 everytime I put her in a timeout she yelled, "I need to go potty". We made the bathroom the official timeout location and the problem went away.

I know this is going to sound harsh, but make her sleep in the throw up, or make her clean it up and than sit in time out anyway. I bet she stops doing it. I've heard a lot of kids do this so don't think she's weird. It's another way of getting quick attention.

Good luck!!
K.

I have read that kids brain is not ready to process logical information at such a young age until they are at least 2-3 years old. Even when they are older, the time out tool may not work best for every kid and time out for everything may not be a good idea either. Some kids are more sensitive and perceptive than the others. I highly recommend reading the positive decipline books and one that stands out is Raising your spirited child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Others books are Becoming the parent you want to be by Laura Davis and How to negotiate with kids by Scott Brown. And there are many more books on positive decipline that guide us on how to teach our kids the right things to do and respect their needs at the same time.

When kids seek (which they well deserve all the time) our attention and want their needs met, they try to tell us and sometime they get frustrated and then the way they express it, we call it tantrums. They do not understand the meaning of NO or other logical explanations as their brain is not ready yet. All they know is their needs and want them met NOW. It is best to calmly redirect them to another activity and validate and acknowledge their feelings. Something like, Oh, you really want that, it makes you angry when you don't get it, okay let us see what can we do abuot this. How about we do this(another activity such as a puzzle or what you child enjoys to do) or look what is that - Would you like to join me or show me how to do it, you are so good at it. I always have so much when we do this together. Redirection has always works for us and still works with my now 5 yr old son. With redirection, in a way, we are teaching them problem solving and decision making skills and is it not the ultimate goal? We often use tools that may bring quick compliance but may not bring a long term change in behavior. Hope this helps.
-Rachna

I could not disagree more with the other reply you have. Discipline is probaby the hardest, but the most important part of educating our children. I don't know where the idea that our job as mothers is to make sure our children are hapy comes from, but I believe our job is to prepare them for life. And life comes with frustration, with understanding others and learning to get over problems.
I love children and have spent all my life around them, but I believe that not correcting bad behavior is a disfavour you do to them. On the same note, children need to know that someone is in control, that someone is leading them..that is how they feel safe.
With all that said, I believe your niece is manipulating you and you should not fall for it, she is not going to hurt herself by trowing up , contiue with the time out until she regains control, make her clean up her mess (to some extent obviously) and go on with life. Teaching her from the very beginning how to take responsibilities upon her acts is a great gift you can give her.
A little about me

I am a 37 years old full time mom to a 9 years old girl and always 2 other amazing kiddos. That is because I am a foster mother...right now I have a marvellous 2 month old and a precious 3 years old. I am also a teacher worked in classrooms for over 15 years.

I read some of the other responses and I truly do not think a 19 month old is doing it on purpose. Both of my daughters' would sometimes get so upset that they threw up. In fact, my 7 year old recently got very upset, started crying and threw up. It was absolutely NOT on purpose. When my daughters were younger we could never do the Cry It Out method because they would ALWAYS throw up and, frankly, I got sick of cleaning up vomit. Some children are very emotional and throw up after crying. Definitely trying to calm the child down and distracting them is the most helpful. Can I suggest that 19 months is a little young for time outs? What is she doing that is so wrong that a time out is warranted? Both of you are new to parenting and you might want to reassess your expectations of a 19 month old who just welcomed a baby sister into her family - it's a lot of changes going on for a little one. Good-luck.

WOW. This is the second request I have read asking about young kids throwing up on purpose, as a tantrum----I think the other request was about a month ago, look for it!

Bizarre! But don't react to it at all.
Disgusting and a little scary maybe, but it's more unpleasant for the kids than it is for you (you know how bad it feels when you do it), and they need to realize it is just pointless and gross, and won't help them get their way. Then they will stop.

Try getting her in the bathroom to make it easier to clean up, if you know she might do it. = )

I agree with the gal whose daughter held her breath - the best thing to do is ignore the behavior. I also have a strong willed daughter and I had my trouble when I first started saying "no" or doing things she didn't like. She would even get hysterical whenever I tried to cook- screaming and flailing until she could barely breathe. I started time outs at a year old only for dangerous behavior though (when she was trying to tip over the TV on herself) and simply ignored the hysterics when it came to her just not getting her way. I read a great book on it- "Children: The Challenge" it's old but has some ways of handling misbehavior. My advise is to go easy on time outs, I agree they should be used as a time for her to calm down and be separated from whatever it is she is doing that is inappropriate but at a young age they can be easily overdone. I considered a time out at that age as removing her from the room where she was misbehaving into a safe spot that was totally baby proof (so she couldn't hurt herself) and I would walk away. Traveling I would use the crib, but at home I had a little play room for her, but what worked for me was taking her away from whatever she was doing and coming back and picking her up when she calmed down.
As for nap time, perhaps she is being put down when she is not tired yet or overtired. I would try adjusting the nap time to see if there is a better time for her. Also my daughter and I have a routine where we hold hands, walk down the hall together, and say blessings before nap. We also try and have it at the same time each day so she can know what to expect. You could even set an alarm to go off 10 minutes before, read a story and do the walk to the crib routine to help ease into it.
As for handling the vomiting itself I would simply offer her a cold washcloth and a plastic bowl for vomiting into and a little water bottle for washing out her mouth when she is done - I would explain what to do with them give her a kiss and I would walk away. Yes it's upsetting but there has to be a point where you draw the line. You can't have her ruling you (or her mom) by fear. She is young and testing boundaries and has found an effective tool for that- the only way she'll stop is if it doesn't get her what she wants.
Perhaps she is a little jealous of all the attention the new baby has been getting and is trying to cash in as well. I would make some time to give her special attention when she is behaving well to give her love and do something just for her so that she knows that she too is loved. She's seeing the baby get a lot of special treatment right now and probably could use some for herself as well as reassuring her that she's still loved and that she gets special attention too. When my son was born I explained to my daughter that she could have certain toys and food that the baby could not because she was ready for different things and needed different things. Bianca is probably a little young for that talk but a simple "since you're such a big girl you can have this" and giving her something that the baby cannot have might help (especially if it's something you just took away from the baby saying "I'm sorry but you're not ready for this toy").
Good luck!

Hi A.,
I, too, have a very melodramatic little girl, so I can understand this type of behavior and how hard it is to know how to react to it. Neither of my daughters ever threw up in reaction to something they didn't like, however one of mine would hold her breath until she turned blue. I believe that's along the lines of what you're experiencing.

I asked my pediatrician what I should do when my little one began holding her breath - it really alarmed me! I thought maybe I should just give her what she wanted. He told me the opposite - completely ignore her because she is manipulating you. Sure enough, I started ignoring her when she reacted this way, and she stopped doing it.

In terms of time outs, I see you have quite a debate raging below. In my opinion, time outs can be very useful in children who throw temper tantrums. The point of a time out in a child this age is to simply allow them some time to themselves in order to get a grip. Kids act out because they're tired or overstimulated, and they need to calm down, period. I never found holding them, cuddling them, or giving them more attention to accomplish this goal, in fact it further over-stimulated them. Instead, I'd take the child to her room calmly and quietly, and tell her, "You need to stay in here until you're feeling better. I'll be in the kitchen when you're ready to come out." And then simply leave the room. Sometimes it would take a minute, sometimes longer, but usually I'd hear sobbing, wailing, flailing, etc, and then the child would come out of her room with a red, puffy face and say, "I'm feeling better now!" - So I'm of the school that any child old enough to have a temper tantrum is old enough for a time out, however a time out is not a punishment, it's a cooling-off period.

With regard to resistance to napping, I'd suggest you're putting her down too late in the day. Try to put her down before she is exhausted; that may help. I agree with the mom who said that your child is looking for a leader - especially with a very spirited child, I've found this to be the case. They're so much happier when they know you're in charge. Try telling her, "In 5 minutes it will be naptime!" and then a few minutes later, "2 minutes until naptime!" and then when it's naptime, no amount of crying or carrying on should deter you from putting her in her crib. Just do it. (Maybe with a removable pad on top of the bed in case she throws up - just remove the pad and leave the room!) In a few days she'll get on board with it once she learns you mean what you say.

Good luck, sounds like your niece is very spirited. Those are the best kind of kids! =)

Many of the answers that I have read to your post are very scary to me. I agree with Rachna below. 19 months is too young for time out. Overall, time outs are not really effective anyway. What you want is a child who is appropriately attached. This requires a nurturing style- not distance. Children are not developmentally programmed to self-soothe well before age 3. It is a difference in their brain, an area called the amigdala is still developing. Time out can cause them to shut down emotionally and feel abandoned. Their young brain cannot interpret this in the way we expect it too.

The website: http://www.beyondconsequences.com is a great resources. Children can be parented with love. Not using time out does not mean you are a weak parent. Children who are parented in a less authoritarian way learn to develop an internal locus of control- this is the goal of discipline. They do not rely on external things to control their behavior.
R. F., LCSW & mom of 4 (age 3 to 21)

My question is how do you know she is throwing up on purpose?

Walk away and tell her you will come back as soon as she stops crying/temper tamtrum. Kids will do anything for attention; good or bad. They had a program on 20/20 about this. Some kids are very strong willed and will scream for
hours and vomit too when put in their bed at night. It is really difficult for parents and caregivers/family to hear this but you are best to get this stopped now. Then when she is finished, go to her, hold her and love her and tell her how happy you are she stopped crying and now she will feel better. But no must stay no and yes stay yes.
F.

Oh boy! This is a fun one! ;) I have a 6 year old step son, I’ve been around since he just turned 3. At that time he had EVERYONE wrapped around his fingers! He would do the same thing with the tantrums & throwing up. We would ignore it, or placed him in his room to have a fit. When know one was there as a audience he stopped.

When he turned about 5 or so, he started to make himself throw up when he was served something he didn't like to eat, or when he just didn't want to eat. He tried this a few times with my husband & I. But we didn't go for it.. mostly we would ignore him, or just simply say "Knock it off, or bed time". He new that meant going to his room for the rest of the night without dinner, & dessert. However at his Mom's it was a different story. She is a bit more dramatic (as is he ;) & would make a big deal about it.. telling him he had a problem & she was going to make him go live in a hospital. It was a bigger deal for her, I think mostly because she is a single mother, trying to do it all herself & just like all of us she gets overwhelmed. My husband & I handle things with less stress & drama. It still continued until he turned 6 at her house. She didn't understand why it continued to happen at her house and not ours. I talked to my Aunt who is a family psychologist. She said at his Moms he is trying to take control of a situation, he is trying to take control back of himself. At our house, there are more rules and constant care, he feels safe at our house and no need to be in control constantly. Not sure if this is true.

I do know if you don't feed into it so much it lessens.. but that was with a 5/6 year old, not a little 19 month old. Your a good Aunt for helping out, and it will work out just don't give up ;)

My daughter (now 6) would get very worked up and emotional from about 1 year to 2 1/2 years old. She didn't throw up but would work herself up into such a state that I really don't think she had any control over herself. It may be starting as a way to get attention or control the situation but once a baby gets that upset I really think they have a hard time calming down without some help. My daughter would literally cry for hours once she got going and frankly we'd feel bad for her as she just didn't seem to have any control over her emotions. Sometimes it would be in the middle of the night and she just didn't want to go back to sleep or other times more similar to what your talking about and it would be in response to something she was angry about. If I were you I would use the time outs very sparingly if at all at this age. We used timeout occasionally for my first born daughter (now 10) from about 2 on and they worked perfectly, we rarely needed them. My younger still can't really handle a time out (even at 6) and we need to deal with things differently. You are not indulging your child if you figure out a way to get her to do what you need without harsh discipline. Every child is different and it sounds like time outs just aren't working for you at this point. What about a little old fashioned manipulation? She's probably pretty easy to out smart at 18 months (enjoy it while you can ;). Distraction and choices are also good too at this age. She'll think she's go some control over her life which is pretty much what we all need, right? As for people who think you have to be harsh to raise responsible kids that's just not true. My little fit thrower is the most disciplined member of our family. I now see all that energy and emotion was really just the first signs of a very strong, focused personality. She works so hard for whatever she wants, school, chores, sports. All that frustration we experienced when she was a baby was so worth it as she now tackles life with such enthusiasm that there's no stopping her and honestly rarely needs any sort of traditional discipline. Maybe you just have a tough kid with strong feelings on your hands which in this mean world is not such a bad thing. Try to avoid getting to the throw up point in the first place and remember when dealing with any childhood phase, good or bad, "this too shall pass". Good luck!

Hi,
My name is W., and I am a behavior analyst. Without knowing much about your niece, it sounds like she may be doing this behavior to escape or avoid a nap/timeout and also for attention (even though it is probably negative attention). I would recommend ignoring the behavior as much as possible (not rushing to clean it up, it won't hurt anything to wait until timeout is over), and giving her as little attention as possible when you do have to clean it up at bedtime (i.e, put more than 1 sheet on the bed between blankets so that you can just remove the dirty one and do it as quickly as possible). This behavior may get worse at first (called an extinction burst), but that means your "treatment" is working, and the behavior will start to decrease shortly. Don;t be surprised if she tries something different to get the same escape and/or attention, but then you would handle it by not giving her what she is trying to accomplish (inappropriate escape/attention)
I hope this all makes sense, and I wish you and your sister - Good luck!

Aaargh! I'm so sick of hearing the word "discipline," especially when applied to little babies. A 19 month-old should not be being placed in time-out. She is only a baby and does not need all this "discipline." My kids are almost grown, and are really great, and I have never been much of a discipliner.

At that age, they mostly need a lot of love and attention, not discipline. She's a baby!!!

As for naps -- is she really sleepy? Maybe people are trying to make her nap too often? If she does need a nap, you may just have to put her in her crib and let her throw her fit.

Or how about putting her down in her crib and reading her a couple of stories.

p.s. - I'm sorry, I'm sure it's mean but I can't help but add this, after reading a response above: Ladies, there is a prompt for spelling errors on this site -- a word is underlined in red when you misspell it. Maybe some people are SO busy that they have time to post a response but not to correct the spelling errors; however it makes a person's response much less credible when it is filled with spelling and grammatical errors, especially when she says she is a teacher. I sure hope people are focusing a little less on discipline and more on teaching their children how to write the English language.

p.p.s. - If you have dyslexia, and that is the reason for the atrocious spelling, then I apologize.

Well A., dear,
Here's what I have learned in my years of parenting. I, too, am the mother of girls. I honestly believe that, while boys and girls as children have many of the same behaviours, girls do tend to be different in many ways. We females are created to be emotional beings, and it begins earlier than we may think. As women, we have hard times getting over grudges. We wear our feelings on our shoulders and take things personally...just a generalization, of course. So I do believe that little girls are emotionally charged, much more so than little boys. This being said, I have seen basically 4 different ways of dealing with fits such as these. There is the "time out" method, which seems to work for some. There is the hands on "spanking" or "swatting" method, with works with some. There is the "redirection" method, and then there is the "ignore it" method. Here is my take on these 4. First, ignoring the behaviour, I believe, is a completely wrong, worthless and mean approach. I personally would never ignore my child whether the behaviour was a good one requiring praise or a bad one requiring discipline. Ignoring a child simply makes them feel, well, ignored. They are needing some type of attention, and ignoring them shows that either you do not care about their situation, or that they can get away with unacceptable behaviour because noone is going to call them out on in and hold them responsible. No adult likes to be ignored and no child likes to be ignored. Imagine having a disagreement with your mate and he/she walks away and ignores you and your attempt to work the situation out. How does that feel? I completely disagree with ignoring. It does absoultely no good and lowers the child's self esteem enormously. Then the redirection/manipulation method, I have to say I disagree with that one as well and here's why. Children need to learn from an early age (and 19 months old is NOT to early) what behaviours are acceptable and which are not. To offer them something nice such as a toy or candy etc to get their mind off their unacceptable behaviour is reinforcing that unacceptable behaviour. It lets them know if they throw a fit, they will get something nice out of it. Hmmmm, imagine what kind of adult that would make. Keep in mind, you are raising a child who will eventually become an adult ingrained with the values they have been taught at this early age. Then the swats or spankings I must say I am a proponent of. You do not EVER have to BEAT your child. A simple swat or two or three where they can feel the sting enough to get their attention and let them know they are being unacceptable goes a long way. It gives them the attention they obviously need, but not in a way which will lead them to believe they are doing something that is okay. Lastly, time outs, for me, have worked in combination with swats. If I were to put my child in time out only, it almost is the same as the ignoring method. Because basically that's what it is. Whether you put them in their room, on a chair in the corner or whatever. If that's all you do, it's the same as ignoring. However, in combination with a good swat and then get sent to their room for a while, I find that this combination seems to work the best out of everything....at least for me. It gives them the attention they need and addresses the unacceptable behaviour, then teaches them they need to gather themselves together and straighten up before they can come back and join the rest of the family. As far as the gagging and throwing up, I say let it happen. It will not take long for them to realize that the punishment is the same no matter what. Yes, it's a mess to clean up. Oh well. That's what we do. Believe me, she soon will get tired of expending her energy is that manner and getting nowhere with it. And the cliche phrase "it's just a phase" does apply here, but only if there is good discipline. If no discipline, the "phase" turns into a lifelong behaviour. Good luck and may God help you and your family make the wisest descisions for this child that will make her a child other people want to be around!

This could be a control issue. She's at the age when kids want to explore and learn things and start doing things themselves. If her parents / guardians / babysitters are exerting too much control (ie not letting her make some decisions at appropriate times for appropriate things), she may feel oppressed. Throwing up (or for potty-trained kids holding in their poop) is one thing the child has some control over. Try allowing her some simple decisions, like what to have for lunch (pasta or a sandwich) or which book to read first.

Remember to give time warnings (it helps with learning to tell time) when changes will occur, like leaving the park or Auntie's house or time for nap or dinner. Sudden changes are a definite problem for most kids.

Remaining calm through the tantrum is also important. I would remove myself and my child from the room if others were present to handle the time-out. At this age, a timeout should be removal from the infraction, but not from a loving adult. I would hold my son firmly on my lap and tell him what was wrong. We would sit for one minute or until he was calm. I would tell him that I loved him the whole time so that it wasn't a horribly negative thing.

Unfortunately if mom and dad do what she wants when she starts throwing up they just taught her that it works and to keep doing it. I think the best thing to do is completely ignore the bahavior. It's the only way. Then she will realize that it doesn't work anymore and stop. it will take a few times for her to realize it's not working anymore. Hang inthere. It's tough but you will be glad you nipped this in the bud!

My 16 year old daughter would do that when she was around the same age. She only did it for a little while and I do believe it was just an attention getting type tantrum. She would stick her hands in her mouth just to gag herself. When this was happening with my daughter I would not run to her right away but let her try to calm herself down. It seemed the more I ignored it the less it happened until it did not happen anymore.

Two years old (24 months) is the absolute earliest you should try for time outs. Before that, babies (toddlers) truly (cognatively) do not comprehend the cause and effect of a time out.

That being said, of course your niece needs discipline. The definition of discipline is as follows: training to act in accordance with rules. All children need rules and boundries. It helps them feel secure in their world to know what they are and are not allowed to do on a consistant basis.

How you react to breaking those rules will change year by year. A good way to enforce "discipline" at 19 months might be to (for example) take away the toy she hit her sister with and not give it back for a day. Try to use the word "no" sparingly. It is WAY to easy for them to mimic it right back to you. Another way to say it might be: We don't hit / draw on walls, etc.

The peak ages for using time-out are 2 to 4 years. During these years children respond to action much better than words. I "googled" the following: how old do you begin time outs. Here are some of the links I found.

http://www.justmommies.com/articles/toddler-time-outs.shtml

http://www.kidsgrowth.com/resources/articledetail.cfm?id=558

http://www.kidsgrowth.com/resources/articledetail.cfm?id=...

Good Luck!
K.

Hi A.,
My older son did that about the same age till 2.5yrs old. he would get so upset that his lips would turn blue and then start to throw up. I just ignored it. They get so worked up that they don't knonw how to control their anger so their boyd reacts to it in other was when they can't express/communiate their frustration. I would just rub his back when he started with the blue lips and tell him its ok. But didn't make a big deal out of it. Once I showed no interest it all stopped for him. Every child is different. He then went on to throwing himself on the floor after that. I also ignored it and it lasted 3 times.

Good luck.

SAHM 40yrs old with 2 fun loving little boys. 3.5yrs & 11 months started walking at 7.5 months. I m very busy and love being a mom.

Hi A.,
My neqhew did the same thing starting around 2 years old. They didn't know what to do...scared to discipline in public for fear of humiliation and a mess. They didn't go out for a while... and everytime they disciplined him, they put him in the bath tub...it took about a year, but he finally stopped.
You might want to have her tonsils checked, just to rule out enlarged tonsils, because around age 2, my son started to have gag reflex because of his tonsils. That would also cause her to throw up when she got upset.