Need Advice - Mount Juliet,TN

secretly tape record him doing this and play it back for him later-when he is relaxed and after the kid is asleep. Maybe he will see how bad he is.

Well gee, I had a MOM like that, when I was younger.
She often, put me down, yelled, scorned, insulted, me.
She grew up differently. She thought she was 'helping' me by doing that. She thought, she was toughening me up and making more mature.
She thought, it would not make me 'spoiled' or dependent etc.
What BULL**** it is.

So, as a child, I was NOT close to her, I did NOT like her, had times of really HATING her, it did NOTHING for bonding with her, and it did NOTHING at all.... for a HEALTHY positive parent/child relationship.
NOTHING AT ALL.
So tell your Husband... that if he wants a Son to HATE him.... (and his son is in the Tween ages already and soon a Teen)... then he WILL have a son who HATES him... because, that is the type of Son, he is 'creating' and that is the type of Dad... he is.

You DO NOT PARENT, a child that way. You WILL DAMAGE HIM. TELL your Husband this.
AND, the vicious cycle... will continue... and your son will then treat HIS own family... that way and his own children... UNLESS your son is more educated/empathetic/mature/emotional healthy, than his Dad, is. And has a more well rounded, attitude and more love... toward his own family.

Tell your Husband, that the way he treats his son, is NOT love... it is MEAN. OUTRIGHT mean.
My Mom's berating me as a child... made me actually "think" ... I was "stupid" and no good and good for nothing and just a dummy... and that I was not valued.
It took me YEARS.... to..... re-align my self-confidence... and to know who "I" am.... despite.... my Mom's berating me as a youngster.

Fortunately, she is no longer like that. She ALSO has matured... into a more well balanced adult and Mom. We get along great now and are close. But she does NOT remember, herself being that way.

Fortunately... I am NOT permanently damaged by it... and I am, a totally self-aware adult... and raise MY children, differently. AND, I KNOW who I am.... and that is the MOST important treasure... that a parent can give a child. That and that he/she is ACCEPTED for who they are, by their parent.

YOU NEED TO BACK UP YOUR CHILD... even if in FRONT of your Husband and child. THAT is what I do... with my kids... when my Husband is being unfair, to them... or when he is not 'nice' to me... in front of them. I ALWAYS stick up for myself, or my kids... IN FRONT OF, my Husband. My kids... NEED to see that. To KNOW... that I am there for them. And that, wrong is just wrong.

all the best,
Susan

You say it seems like your husband is constantly yelling at your son. Is this the truth or are you focusing on the times he yells but not acknowledging the times he doesn't? Negative behavior gets our attention much more quickly than positive. I agree with the previous response of finding what your husband does well with your son. Are you being honest with yourself about your son's issues? What do you mean by "some" trouble following directions and paying attention? Do you give your son a pass on this behavior that his dad holds him accountable for? Do you approach your husband in a positive, non emotional way when you want to talk about his parenting style or does he feel attacked? If it eats at you, I'm inclined to think the attack mode is probably what's happening. Do you get your husband's side of things and ask how he thinks his approach is working? Do you both agree on the goals for your parenting and is what each of you doing moving you toward or away from those goals? Are you willing to look at your style as well? I do recommend seeing a therapist who can help you with these answers. I also highly recommend "Scream-Free Parenting" by Hal and Jenny Runkel. They have a book, newsletter, and tip of the day that are really helpful to parents.

part of the problem is that he is unable to take the parenting advice from you. If you can down load some pod casts, Dr. James Dobson does some really short talks on parenting and he had some really good points and tips on parenting without anger. See if you can find these and get him to listen. He may see the light if presented by someone other than you.

It sounds like your husband probably didn't have a good fathering role model, and just doesn't know/understand what is going on. Is there ***anything*** about his parenting you can praise? Even if it's just that he works to provide for his family, that's something. Start looking for good things that he does (including being an amazing husband) and say short and simple things like, "You're such a good...." or "you're so good at..." As you find parenting things you can praise him for, he will do more of them, and less of the bad stuff.

My mother was the type that yelled. My father would rather talk quietly and sternly. I responded much better to my dad's discipline than my mother and there were lots of years that I thought my mother hated me. She didn't, but all that yelling made me feel that way. As a result, I had a hard time talking to my mom about all that tough teenage stuff. I treat my daughter like my dad treated me. I think your husband just needs to understand that yelling doesn't work well. My husband is the one that yells. I've told my husband he needs to speak in a kinder voice. I've told him "that's enough, you've made your point". He is learning...slowly... Your husband will to but you have to let him know.

I totally agree with Laurie....you have to make sure your son isn't mentally harmed by this abusive behavior and that what it is.....I have had the same issues and it needs to be nipped asap....if you can get him to a parenting class or counseling or something it may help but I understand how that is as I couldn't......it has totally created a problem with the relationship my son has with his father......I feel that my husband is jealous of my son as he is the only child. I feel that my husband thinks I split my allegiance with him....I was alone most of the time with my son when he was young because my husband worked so we developed a relationship/understanding so we relate better......I hope you can work this out but know that it is a problem that needs to be solved before more problems arise with your son as he reaches adolesence. He will find "something" to replace what he isn't getting from his dad...such as drugs or he will begin abusive behavior as he learns it from his dad, so stop that now. As they say, "stop the violence". Keep us posted and good luck.

I'm not sure how old your son is but I would suggest either trying to attend parenting classes (I like the Love and Logic parenting method) or read the book. It will teach your husband that there is another way that doesn't have to boil your blood when your son misbehaves. Here is some information from their website:

What is Love and Logic® for Parents?

"I don't understand it. The techniques my parents used so effectively just don't seem to work with kids today." Does this statement sound familiar to you? A lot of parents today are wondering what to do with their kids and are frustrated because the old techniques just don't seem to get the job done.

Parents want to enjoy their kids, have fun with them, and enjoy a less stressful family life. But even if their kids are trouble-free right now, they fear what the coming teenage years will bring.

At no time in history have parents been more unsure of their parental role. Even the best are not all that sure about whether they are using the best techniques. They say that their kids don't appear to be much like the ones they knew in years past.

A lot of conflicting philosophies have been presented over the last 30 years. Many of these sound good, but don't seem to do the job of helping children become respectful, responsible, and a joy to be around.

Many ideas, offered with the best of intentions, center around making sure that kids are comfortable and feeling good about themselves in order to have a good self- concept. However, we have discovered that self-confidence is achieved through struggle and achievement, not through someone telling you that you are number one. Self-confidence is not developed when kids are robbed of the opportunity to discover that they can indeed solve their own problems with caring adult guidance.

There is, however, an approach to raising kids that provides loving support from parents while at the same time expecting kids to be respectful and responsible.

This program is known as Parenting with Love and Logic, a philosophy founded by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline, M.D., and based on the experience of a combined total of over 75 years working with and raising kids.

Many parents want their kids to be well prepared for life, and they know this means kids will make mistakes and must be held accountable for those mistakes. But these parents often fail to hold the kids accountable for poor decisions because they are afraid the kids will see their parents as being mean. The result is they often excuse bad behavior, finding it easier to hold others, including themselves, accountable for their children's irresponsibility.

Jim Fay teaches us that we should "lock in our empathy, love, and understanding" prior to telling kids what the consequences of their actions will be. The parenting course Becoming a Love and Logic Parent teaches parents how to hold their kids accountable in this special way. This Love and Logic method causes the child to see their parent as the "good guy" and the child's poor decision as the "bad guy." When done on a regular basis, kids develop an internal voice that says, "I wonder how much pain I'm going to cause for myself with my next decision?" Kids who develop this internal voice become more capable of standing up to peer pressure.

What more could a parent want? Isn't that a great gift to give your child? Parent child relationships are enhanced, family life becomes less strained, and we have time to enjoy our kids instead of either feeling used by them or being transformed from parent to policeman.

The Love and Logic technique in action sounds like this:

Dad: "Oh, no. You left your bike unlocked and it was stolen. What a bummer. I bet you feel awful. Well, I understand how easy it is to make a mistake like that." (Notice that the parent is not leading with anger, intimidation, or threats.)

Dad then adds, "And you'll have another bike as soon as you can earn enough money to pay for it. I paid for the first one. You can pay for the additional ones."

Love and Logic parents know that no child is going to accept this without an argument, but Love and Logic parents can handle arguments. Jim Fay advises "just go brain dead." This means that parents don't try to argue or match wits with the child. They simply repeat, as many times as necessary, "I love you too much to argue." No matter what argument the child uses, the parent responds "I love you too much to argue." Parents who learn how to use these techniques completely change, for the better, their relationships with kids and take control of the home in loving ways.

Have you considered video taping him during one of his rants? Secretly, of course, and then show him what he looks like. Video doesn't lie. Did your son's 'wrong' merit the way dad treated him? Could he have handled it differently? Would he have responded differently if they were around others?
Pray for him that he'll be the man he needs to be. Always pray. There's a song I'd love for you to hear. Maybe you can share it with your hubby. Every man should listen to it, actually. The song is 'Lead Me' by Sanctus Real. It won't be hard to find it online. I promise it will touch your heart. God bless!

Since your son has problems following directions and paying attention, maybe you could suggest family therapy to learn how to deal with these issues. If you tell him since what WE are doing isn't working, let's get another opinion. Don't blame him before you get there; tell him that you want to learn how both of you should deal with these problems (which I'm sure is true).

How did your husbands dad treat him? Maybe he is doing the right thing. You didnt explain in much detail about what you think he's doing wrong. Dads and sons have a different technique for communication than mom's and sons do... its a way different dynamic.... and not always a bad one.

HI J.,
Marriage and Family therapy may be a good avenue if your husband is willing. Does he see any problem with the way he deal with your son? Does he notice or want to have a better relationship with him? I guess that's the first question... YOU see a problem and it's driving you crazy, but if he doesn't want to change it, that's a big problem and will continue to grow.

Good luck~ parenting style can often stem from childhood stuff, and it's good to get that stuff worked out if the person is willing. I promise you, you'll have a better marriage too.