Need Advice... 3 1/2 Year Old Waking up Every Night

my daughter is 4 and we just went through this. I eventually put her little toddler bed in my room.

Good Luck!

It sounds like you need to move him into the room with his younger sister for awhile and make the downstairs room into a playroom with all his toys so he still enjoys it. One day he will want to sleep in the room again because it has all that good stuff in it!

I am in full agreement with Julie on this one.

Hi J., trust me when I tell you that you should be the one staying in his room. My son is 2 and went through that phase. We bought a twin bed for him so that we could have him stay in his room and eventually get used to the idea that he has his own room. So when he has nights like that I will either jump in bed with him or set up an air matress next to his bed. It has been a good 6 months since he has woken up in the middle of the night. It might take you a week of doing that but it's well worth it. Good luck.

N. M.

If you're uncomfortable having your child sleep in your room, how about bunking him with his sibling? You could turn the upstairs bedroom into the sleeping porch and the downstairs room into a playroom.

I have always thought it ironic that we wish our children grow up to have long-term, monogamous relationships, yet we insist they learn to sleep alone at a tremendously early age! Are we teaching independence or isolation? (just some food for thought)

(By the way, my 7 yr old and 10 yr old sleep together in sleeping bags and they love it and they sleep well. So do we, the parents!)

You are NOT a horrible mother. But you are right about one thing, now that you have let him sleep in your room it is going to be a difficult habit to break. And just think about that next time when you and your hubby are in the mood, but your son is on the floor next to you. Now, I totally respect those who choose to do the family bed thing as long as they feel it works for everyone, but you have to evaluate what is best not just for your son, but for you and your husband as well. I also know that it is really really hard to stick to your guns in the middle of the night- I've done the same thing with m 16 month old; I brought her to bed one night when she was having a hard time sleeping and the next night she didn't want to go to bed in her room. But I broke the habit. It's not easy, but it usually doesn't take long.

So, if you do want to wean him into his own bed, start by staying in his room with him the next time he wakes up at night instead of having him come into yours. Stay until he falls asleep, and repeat if he happens to wake up again. Then, when you're ready for the next step start leaving the room once he's calmed down but is still awake. With my daughter all I had to do was say "night night" when she started to protest, but she is younger. If he absolutely screams when you try to do this you may have to do the more gradual way- one night sit halfway between his bed and the door, the next in the doorway, etc. You may adjust, there is no right way. But there are two keys- Be understanding of your son's situation. He presented you with a problem (not wanting to sleep downstairs) and the solution you gave him was to sleep on the floor in your room. Naturally if you try to change this he is going to protest. Be firm, but don't act out of frustration, don't yell, etc. Secondly, you are the adult (and I don't mean that in the "because I said so" yelling kind of way). You have to create boundries and rules for your child to back up whatever you do choose to do.

PS I also agree with Julie, though. That is a pretty intense age, and the solution with him getting the sleeping bag himself is a good choice because it would serve the best interests of everyone in the family.

Don't feel bad- my son is 7 and sleeps on the floor of our room. He is high functioning autistic though. I have tried everything as well and we can have our house lit up like a Broadway opening and he still complains that he is scared and will not go anywhere in the house without an escort! I let this start because like your son MArk would wake every morning at 1:30 and would not go back to his room, yet when he slept in our room he slept through the night, go figure...even if he goes to sleep in his own room now he migrates back to our room but at least he doesn't wake me up now. Since I work full time I of course appreciate not being woken up every night so I haven't pushed the issue. My girlfriend had the same problem and her ped told her to give her son a little benadryl to for 3 nights in a row to break the cycle and it worked. I don't totally approve but maybe you can ask your ped what they think Good luck!

I've been where you are with each of my 3 kids. We sought advice from a child therapist with our first, and she also recommended the sleeping bag on the floor thing, as well as giving advice that has worked with all of our kids. Between 3 and 5, every child goes through a couple of intense phases when they realize that the world is a pretty big place and bad things can happen. This is when we see more nightmares, phobias, and new anxiety behaviours. It's normal.
Tell your son that he has to start in his own bed and try to sleep through the night there. If he wakes up, he is welcome to sleep in your room, but he has to quietly get the sleeping bag from its place under/near your bed, and go straight to sleep. Seriously, you should only acknowledge his presence with a "Goodnight, Honey". Also, remind him occasionally that soon he won't be afraid anymore because he is growing up every day- kids sometimes worry that they will always be afraid or sick or whatever is going on. Simply reassuring him that things will be better soon can have a huge impact.
As for sharing a room- well, you can ask him. Our 2nd decided she did want to share a room with the "baby', so we put in a toddler bed, and let her sleep in there. We moved nothing else. It lasted about 6 months before she was ready to sleep in her own room. The important thing to remember is that at this age, they change daily, and nothing is permanent. Instead, focus on reassuring your son that you are ok with his needs and that it's nothing to worry about or stress over.Try not to talk about it too much or call attention to it, even. This, too, shall pass! :-)

This just recently happened to me with our 3.5 year old girl. Every night first only once at 3am then it became 3 times a night and I have a 6 month old son I wake up with at night. I finally couldn't do it anymore. I just decided one night to ignore her calls. She cried for a good 40 minutes and then fell asleep. She asked me the next morning why I didn't come. I simply said, I am sorry honey I was sleeping because it was night time I didn't hear you. When I asked why she wanted me to come, she said she just wanted me to sleep with her. I just said oh and then it was fine end of story. She has been sleeping peacefully through the night ever since.

I think it would be wiser to let him either sleep in the room with his sister or tough it out and and ferberize him all over again. At his age he is probably more aware of monsters under the bed and in the closet and may be scared being the only one downstairs. I have three kids 2 1/2, 5 and 9 and they all sleep in the same room. Soon the 9 year old will have to start sleeping in his own room. When we came home from the hospital with my youngest, my oldest was upset because he was the only one sleeping in a room by himself. So he opted to sleep on a blow up bed in his sister and brohter's room as ours was off limits. I would ask your son what wakes him up and what would be different for him sleeping upstairs. I think if you talk to him and find out what is going on with him, providing he can tell you, it might help you decide which way to go. Hope that helps. p.s. I knew I had to either battle my son being the only one sleeping in a room alone 2 1/2 years ago or now and I choose now. I felt I could deal with it different and or better when he was older.

I sympathize with you because our almost 4 son has been doing the same for almost a year now. We also let him sleep on the floor next to us on a foam cushion with blankets. I don't push my son to sleep in his room. I remember going through the same awful feelings when I was his age. My parents always let me stay with them in their room and never turned me away. Gradually, by the time I was about 5, I was totally disinterested in being in their room with them. I eventually treasured my own bed, although I did sleep with the light on for a time. I just feel that to children, parents are their ultimate and complete support. If they feel that we're going to turn them away when they're scared--and believe me they're truly scared--who will come through for them? I feel it's worth going through the inconvenience as adults, at least for awhile, to make sure our kids feel secure. I'm sure many would disagree, but my parents did it for me, and I'm doing just fine as a 38 year-old.

I J.;
I wouldn't have my son sleep in a dowstairs bedroom. He is only 3 1/2! Is there a way he can share the room with his younger sister? at least until he is not afraid anymore. I have a 6 year old and it seems the more they grow the scarier they get with anything.

He's too little to be all by himself downstairs. Make a camping spot in the hallway. He's less likely to get stepped on that way. Flashlight, tent and camping stuff.

I think different kids experience fears at different points in their development. It sounds like some of the scary things inherent in a darkened room have just entered your son's consciousness.

Our son who is 3 now, started coming in our room at 2 when we had to transition him to a big boy bed because he was out of his crib all the time. We finally came to the solution you did of the sleeping bag on the floor in our room. We felt at least he wasn't in our bed and we could all get some sleep and we hoped that the discomfort of it would keep him in his own bed but he's only slept all night in his own bed a handful of times since so you're right to worry that you won't be able to break the habit. We do make a big deal of rewarding him for the nights he sleeps all night in his own bed but I think in the irrational sleepy hours of the morning a reward won't keep him from coming upstairs to your room.

What about letting him sleep in his sister's room for now. Is there room to put his bed in there. Then he's near you but not in your room and you could make his room a play room for now until he's ready to go back to his own room.

Good luck with it all. It's probably a good thing most of us don't realize how many sleep issues kids can have before we conceived them.

P.

Dear J.,
My only suggestion was going to be to have the kids share a room for the time being - which then I see that you are already considering. My two oldest (boy and girl) shared a room until they were seven and five, respectively, at which time my girls moved into my bed (I was separated at the time and slept on the couch for three years) - then the girls moved into their room and bunk beds. (Now, at seventeen, my middle child feels she deserves her own room - which is a completely different story . . .!) One option is to keep "his room" with his things downstairs, but putting a bed in his sister's room for the time being so that he isn't alone at night and also closer to you and Daddy . . .
Good luck!
B.

I think he is too young to be sleeping by himself downstairs. I personally would not be able to sleep if my child were up or downstairs from me. Both of my kids slept in our bed till at least 2.5 years old. With both, we put a mattress on our floor to transition in to their own room and eventually moved them in to their beds. They both (now 5 and almost 3) have great sleeping habits and sleep all night - in their rooms. My almost 3 yo comes in at times, but that is no bother. I think your son may actually be afraid. You could try a night light in his room if you haven't already, it is hard at this age to just say, "there is nothing to be afraid of" Maybe get him a special flashlight he can sleep with or next to, sorry, I'm reaching here. I would have him on the floor in your room or or in a another room on the same level as you. Good luck to you!

You are a good mother, but you just need to see this from his perspective. A 3/1/2 year old can feel VERY far away from his parents and so it probably would be a good thing to put them in the same room and turn the other room into a playroom for them. Perhaps they can nap in separate rooms during the day. You already have good intuition about what should be done, so do that. They can share a room and he won't feel so left out and afraid.

I'm a grandmother, a former schoolteacher, a former children's director at a church and now I help train nationals around the world to work with kids. That's jsut to help you see where I am coming from.

In the US, we seem to have this thing about everyone having their own rooms. Around the world, that is rarely the case and the sense of being together builds family bonding. Being individualistic is a strong value for Americans, but we need to build strong family connections first. Hope this helps.

Hi J.,
You are not a bad mom, you just have a housing situation that you need to make the best of. I have a 3 1/2 year old girl and she is waking up in the middle of the night almost every night too, sometime multiple times. Between potty time and nightmares, it's tough. I let her climb in bed with us but my husband hates it because she kicks him. We are now taking her back to her room and sitting with her until she falls asleep or at least is settled enough to fall asleep. However, she is on the second level with us and our 11 month old son. I would definately try the route of the 2 kids sharing a room. He's at an age where he is going to be afraid of monsters and seeing shadows - heck I do it now when my husband is out of town. So being on a separate floor is probably enhancing that. I would give him a choice "Do you share a room with your sister and move in with her upstairs? If we do that do you promise to sleep there all night and not wake her up? Or would you rather we change up your room a bit so it's more comfortable for you to sleep in it?" Maybe you could a dream catcher up or magic beans hanging from the door to "keep the monsters out". He will probably choose to sleep upstairs but either way he is making a choice and is feeling important. He may be feeling a bit excluded and if that's the case, he needs to know that he and his feelings are important. Right now the main issue is to make him feel secure and that he is just as important as his little sister.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Rachel is 5 years old and *just* got into her own bed, but in your situation I would put your baby and son in a room together. Not sure if they would just wake each other up, but when your son gets a little older he'll probably be asking to sleep downstairs.

No, you're not a horrible mom at all. But I do think that being on a different floor level of the home is a bit scary for the little guy. Heavens, I know teenagers that don't like being that far from their parents at night (but that's another story). I think he just needs to feel a little more secure by being closer to you. Any possibility of having the kids share a room? Many of my friends do it...not because they don't have enough bedrooms but because their toddlers don't like sleeping alone. It's an idea. I plan to try it when baby two comes along this next year. Good luck.

Dear J.,

I know that you are a good mom. ....and I know that your son is feeling excluded. Just deal with the problem of the sleeping bag later and let him be with the rest of the family now. He has requested it and that request should be respected. Get your heads together and find a way to help him bond with his room - like making it a play time room for the whole family - you know pillows on the floor, games that the family plays together - . C. N.

We went through the exact same thing when my daughter was 3 1/2. Our bedroom was downstairs and hers was upstairs. For a while we let her do the same thing, sleep next to our bed. Finally though we moved our bedroom upstairs and she started sleeping through the night again. He's only 3 1/2 can you put both children in the same room? Maybe use his room downstairs as a play room during the day and just have them sleep in the same room.

If you decide to let him keep sleeping next to your bed I think that would be fine and it won't be some huge thing you have to fix because when he is ready it will fix on its own. But I think the only way to get him to sleep through the night again is to move his room.

J.,
Sometimes these little ones are having a "night terror" a really bad dream. Even though their eyes are open & they seem to be awake, they are still really asleep. Google "night terrors". There is some good info about them. Also, ask your pediatrician for advice. My son used to have them & my grandson had 1 episode also. It is a sleep disorder & tends to run in families. Good luck!
M.

Try cuddling with your child during the day! This worked for me and I didn't even apply this strategy for the outcome. I just realized later that when I gave him cuddle time, he slept through the night. It was such a lifesavor!!! Some children just need more physical closeness and that is satisfied by cuddling! Make sense? Good luck!

i'd forego the sleeping bag and either move your room downstairs or have both kids share a room. I shared a room with my brother (two years older) until pre-teens. He is probably waking up at the end of his sleep cycle and gets frightened that he is all by himself with thoughts of the closet monster ready to attack. Don't beat yourself up, you are not a horrible mom for giving him his own room downstairs...that's just silly talk. But now that your son has voiced his fear, the reasonable thing would be to listen and respond.