My bf and I have been dating almost a year, and both believe we'll be together for a long time to come. A month ago we played with the idea of moving in together but decided since we were both in a time crunch (had to move within a month) it would be too hectic and too fast for my 5 year old, so we didn't do that and he still doesn't sleep over when shes with M. (I decided until we're close to moving in I wouldn't want that with no commitments...I don't need to be engaged, but I need to know there is a bg committment like wanting to live together before doing that). He moved into a temporary place (with a realtive for a few months so eh didn't have to settle on the 1st place) J. until he finds a place he really likes, so we talked before and he said he didn't want to sign a year lease anywhere because he wants the option to move in with M. and my daughter when the times right and not rushed. So yesterday his friend let him know of an awesome place in the area he loves and hes considering it and it has a one year lease. I want him to follow his heart so I don't want to say anything, but at the same time I'm a little bummed that hes able to commit to not living together for the next year so easily. I want to wake up next to him every day and have him more a part of our life in the near future, and this guarantees we wouln't do that....IDK its my time for being girly and pmsing so I don't want to start anything or let him know I'm sad, b/c I don't want to affect his decision. Also I want to be happy for his new find and support him in what makes him happy... Anyone have any advice?
Cheryl thats how I feel, I should support him without talking about how I feel, b/c I want him to follow his heart and if he's not ready yet then thats how he feels. I don't want to talk and make him miss out on this if its what he really wants
Jessica I agree, he is involved in the dad to day/night time routine when hes over, he J. goes home at the end of the night/after she goes to bed and we hang for a while...I J. dont want her to ask questions about a guy sleeping in the room with M. until were close to moving in
I think you need to play him some Beyonce's "Single Ladies."
If he likes it, then he should put a ring on it.....and then a wedding...and then moving in.
ETA: I guess I don't understand how him moving in would equate to any form of commitment. Only marriage signals that. I have moved 6 times in the past 11 years, but I've only gotten married once.
Yes, and please listen to this: a year goes by VERY quickly. He sounds like a good guy. If you two are right for each other, you will know it in a year, and then it will be the perfect time to make a commitment.
Yes, but you won't like it.
My personal opinion is that it is unfair to your daughter for you to move in with a man without more tangible commitment than the fact that you are moving in together.
I do. Here's the thing. He's acting in an admirable way....and you don't even see that? J. the fact that he might be willing to move in with you isn't really a sign of a long term commitment. Remember that. And take advantage of the year-long lease he has to strengthen your relationship to see if it IS really the *right* O. for you! I think him signing the lease is a good thing. How does him getting a pace for a year guarantee he can't be "more of a part of our life in the near future"? You know, your BF needs to really, REALLY think if he wants a ready-made family....imo, the more time he takes to make that decision, the better!
I'm not going to comment on whether you two should move in together - it's not what you asked about. You seem to have good head on your shoulders and want to do the right thing for your daughter.
Think about it this way. If he found an awesome place he loves - maybe he's thinking that after YOUR lease is up you can all move in together into this aswesome place. He very well could be thinking about your future together and you're assuming the opposite.
Aaaaw, LOVE is a beautiful thing! It can also wait 12 short months! And anyway, in the event it CAN'T wait 12 months, it is worth the money it will cost to break a lease.
(I like your 'girly pmsing', so nice to read a post from a girl who loves/wants to be with her guy!)
:)
First of all, be ready for J. about everyone on here to tell you to get married before moving in together... I know, I don't get it either. I want to test drive the car before buying it, make sure all the features work!!
ANYWAY, maybe he's still thinking that it would have been too fast a move for your kiddo, since that's kind of where you guys left off. TALK to him about it. Don't attack him with 'but WE were supposed to'... J. ask him if there was a reason he chose signing a 1 year lease without you, and what his plans are for the future.
My husband and I moved in together (with my daughters) within 4 months of exclusively dating. Not saying this is right for everyone's situation, but it worked for us. The kids were ready, we were ready, it happened to fall when both of our leases were up, and we found a place we could move into immediately. HELLO! Those signs were too huge to ignore! The rest is history :)
J. talk to your boyfriend. I think you're reading too much into it, but I also think it wasn't fair of him to keep you posted on what was going on, since you had discussed it in the past. This has the means to be a totally product, neutral discussion, so keep calm and don't blow anything out of proportion. Good luck!!
Many places don't lease/rent without a year lease. He may be out of luck there when it comes to that and not able to find a decent place for a month to month basis. So perhaps he is choosing this place in the hopes that you will join 'him' at his place when the time comes. And if things happen to change, he can break his lease, pay the fees for breaking the lease, and you all move in together. :-) This is going to really affect your daughter moreso in the longrun, so he may be cautious to that as well, as he should be.
It will be devestating to your daughter if you all move in and it doesn't work out. She will lose a stable parental figure in her life. Giving like that and taking away, affects children in ways that can really be damaging to their little emotions, trustworthiness, stability etc. So perhaps waiting it out a year to allow for a stronger foundation between you two will be better for you both and most of all your daughter. :-) With his excitement in getting a new place, is probably J. that. Guys don't think like we do and he probably doesn't mean to make you feel as though he's making light of the situation or blowing your dreams off intentionally. We women are so emotional, and we think around the clock. :-D Guys don't. They are simple, and most times they do not let the little things (what seems little to them) affect them.
It sounds from what I read that you really love him and you are ready right now to commit. It's a huge step that should be carefully thought out.
So maybe his thought process is getting this place for himself and moving you all in with him when the time comes. :-) Let your mind rest on this for a while, then sit him down and talk to him about how you're feeling. Keep it brief and loving. Men respond better to that.
Best wishes to you and big HUGS too! Sounds like you need a big hug. :-D
Before reading any other responses, I'll say that I think you should support his decision. Another year isn't that long. It'll go by faster than you could imagine.
well if he feels this way , there is NO COMMITMENT, hes free be very careful.
I'm sorry - I would keep with him following his heart and support him in doing so.
It's a lot to take in for him...a girlfriend and a built in family. So he may be needing some time to get his thoughts together...does he want a built in family? Is he ready for a built in family?
I don't know. I personally wouldn't press it. I would tell him to do what he needs to do. If it works out for you, great! If not! great! Yeah, I know it would be sad. But bringing someone into your daughter's life like that would be a HUGE change for her too.
I think I need caffeine...things aren't coming out right. Bottom line? Support him and his decision.
Let him take the place and sign the lease. I don't see the rush about moving in together. Give your relationship time to develop and mature. You've been together less than a year so honestly? That's not a long time at all. That's like a nano-second for a relationship. You also have a young girl child to think about, so you want to REALLY get to know this guy before you think about having him sleep over your place let alone having him move in.
If you're still together after his lease is up and you're still feeling all lovey dovey he's the one, then rethink getting more serious. But you ought to be thinking as a mother right now, and the romantic part of you needs to be secondary. I'm not saying you don't get to have a life outside of being a mother but I'm not seeing much caution here.
Don't sweat the place. You guys decided that he should move in with a relative temporarily until he found a great place because you weren't ready to move in so quickly. Most places have year leases. So hoping something like, "well, maybe he'll find a great place for exactly 4 1/2 months so we can move in together in less than a year" was never really an option. You basically had to move in together now, or in a year. And you made the decision what to do about that for good reason. I commend him for not wanting to stay with relatives for long.
SO, he found a great place. J. like the plan was designed to accommodate! It does not mean he care less for you.
Dont' be afraid to speak your mind and tell the truth AND be supportive! Say, "WOW, I'm so happy you found a great place, and I'm also sad we won't be moving in together sooner." But be supportive of him taking it. You don't have to apologize for your feelings or hide them.
And having to wait is no big deal and for the best. The year will fly by, you sound young, you don't need to get pregnant right away or some other deadline...so you'll J. appreciate moving in together all that much more later. You say you don't "need to be engaged". TRUE! BUT, wouldn't it be nice to have a more mature relationship in a year, and maybe BE engaged when looking for a place together? Or even if not engaged, at least more secure? You said it yourself, you weren't ready for it right now. One year is short. Lots of people have to wait for great things. Be patient!
Sounds like he is not ready . . . when a man really wants something he will move heaven and earth to make it happen. I would not take it personally though - it may have nothing to do with the quality of your relationship. He J. might not be ready for that level of commitment.
JMO and I could be wrong of course.
Well, I can only compare to my own experience & I didn't have child involved.....but I was 37 & wanted a child & knew I wasn't in the mood to "play house" because moving in together IS a HUGE commitment & I didn't have forever to date (IMO, if after a year you don't know M. well enough to know, you ain't gonna!). We talked a lot & we did have a few tense months that frankly, came down to a couple "if this isn't what you want, please let M. know so I can move on" conversations, but he popped the question at right around a year of dating & we lived together while engaged for 9 months (& btw, got pg on our honeymoon. she's 2 1/2 now :-)
Long story, but I too knew I wanted to be w/ him forever too & the decision had to be mutual to work...it takes lots of honest talking/time & occasionally a gentle ultimatum, you may not get the answer you want to hear but at least you'll know & can move on. What do you ultimately want from a relationship?? for your daughter??? Is her bio father involved enough that a step-father figure can be there but separate??? would it be confusing for her/everyone??? How does he feel about being a full-time/instant dad?? What does he want long term???
IDK, I can't completely identify but these are things I'd be asking myself/him and probably need some questions to ask your daughter...she may have an opinion too! Good luck to you all!!
Is he truly considering it or maybe a slight tactic to see if you will change your mind on him moving in with you. Don't be angry if so it's human nature to find a weakness to get what you want without causing too much commotion.
I think you need to start having sleepovers when your daughter is with you as she is the one who may require to most attention. Besides also gives your b/f a insight as to your night time routine as he may need to change some of his activities. If he is seriously considering the offer, take this year to save up $$, have lots of sleep overs with your kid there and allow him to enjoy his free time. As parents we make sacrafices, a boyfriend J. rearranges his plans, where as a live in J. a responsible for bills, etc... begins to make accomodations/changes for a kid.
I think it's your pms that makes us wise in asking for other's input before saying or acting out of emotion.
My suggestion: Take a step back and reflect. You want a more serious commitment, but at the same time you keep him at bay from what should be your first commitment. He needs to know and deserves the chance to be a part of and what is expected of him not only as "mommy;s boyfriend" but if she likes him she will also attach to him "like a father figure/role model" and no this is not negotiable, it J. happens or it doesn't
Tell him how you feel. He may be getting the message from you (even if you don't think you're sending it) that you aren't ready to move in together. Or he may feel like he's the one pressuring you. You'll never know if he's deciding to sign a one year lease because he is trying to be sensitive to your feelings, or because he isn't ready for the next step with you unless you talk to him.
And you'll kick yourself in two months if he says he wishes he could move in, but is stuck in a lease.
I like Erika's response. For your situation I certainly would want a committment period. You are no longer with your child's father there's a reason for that. She is right that he should know if you are the one after a year. If you both have feelings and are meant to be together you really should get married. This also sets an excellent example for your daughter. I am assuming you don't want her to grow up and end up in unsuccessful relationships.
