My bf and I have been dating a little over 8 months and it seems whenever I have my daughter he ditches me (hes only seen her 5 times in 8 months....and some of those were gatherings where she was but she was with the kids), so the other day we talked about it, because somehow I did the reverse and accidentally ditched him, and it upset him so I mentioned how I felt and he agreed and said he'd feel the same way apologized, and said when I invite him I always include "if you're bored you can join us, we'll be at the ..." so he said that statement makes him feel uninvited but he understnds how it looks to me and he said he realized he couldn't talk himself out of it and future actions would proove he wanted to get to know her and be more a part of my entire life instead of just without her....sounds good right? well then the next day/yesterday I tell him I'm taking her to Ikea and then after shes sleeping over my moms (last chance before school) so we could do something down in the city after since i have to drop her off....he says that he has a 1/2 hour of stuff he has to do and then he'll be down, I say its ok you're probably going to take really long we'll do it another time (because I don't want to be let down again) he says no I'll call when I'm done it will be a half hour, i kept saying no its ok you'll be a while and it will be late, so he ended with i'll call you as soon as i'm done...so then an hour and a half go by and he calls and says where are you, i say on the way to ikea with emmy, he says oh ok, I just got done eating dinner with my mom, (he doesnt live with her, he's 31) and then pauses and says hmmm and i say well i gotta go I don't want to be on the phone driving (i was at a light during that two sec convo) and he says ok i'll call you later tonight....I feel like I got ditched, but am not sure, since I did say 3 times its ok you're not going to get done on time...but he did follow up with yes I will i'll call you as soon as i'm done...and I feel the day after our previous discussion he should have made an extra effort...ugh...I'm officially being 13 and avoiding his calls for the day so I can cool off and answer level headed....but feel that I might be done, even though in our time together I'm happier than I've ever been, when I'm with him, or when he does hang with my daughter and I, we have the best times, its just he tends not to follow through and thats unacceptable for me....ok girls your thoughts...please dont be too harsh, I'm officially pmsing, so I may be actling like a 10 year old......oh it hasn't affected my daughter b/c I let her know when he';s on his way officially
updated! OK OK I get it, I should communicate better and be clear on expectations and not give a way out....and stop acting like a 10 year old...I'm new to dating i was with my ex from 14-26 so apparently I have no dating /guy communication skills....and I isagree with keeping her away until i'm getting married I've followed the therapists instructions and shes only seen him spaced out and as a friend...we don't touch hold hands or hug in front of her and sshes only seen him a few times
Denise, I agree completely...my ex and I have been seperated over 2 years, I'm just finally getting a place on my own, but I agree with all of my current new excitement and anxiousness its not a good time to date....She has only seen him 5 times in 8 months and just as a friend like shes seen other guy friends my ex and I both have...she thinks nothing of it, so it's no added drama to her life...and I plan to keep it that way
I also agree that I do approach it negatively thats why I am assuming I caused this sittuation instead of him
Bobbi I agree ifI didn't take all percautions, I spoke with a child thrpist before even introducing her to him, and listened to all of his advice...he said and I agree thats its not bad for her to interact with "friends" and she will not be affected badly but knowing someone as nothing more than a friend
My children would not be around someone I'm dating unless it was serious (engaged)
To M. it sounds like he's not ready for kids. I'd move on.
Jen,
You may not like what I'm going to say, but I'm going to put it out there anyway.
Your last few posts have been about moving, leaving your spouse, getting a new rental place, needing all furniture, etc.
I ask: Do you really feel you and your daughter need the drama of a boyfriend right now? Especially a boyfriend who finds you most attractive when you are kidless?
Please think about this.
I doubt your daughter needs this going on in her life right now.
If you DO continue to see this man, please consider keeping your dating life completely separate from your life with your daughter. The last thing she needs, while all else is changing around her is mommy's boyfriend.
All the best.
ETA: I agree with Momof4....your daughter is not oblivious. You may tell her he's a friend. What she knows is you & daddy are not together any longer, now there's a new "friend" around....kids are like sponges--they pick up every...little...thing around them. Good and bad.
Your daughter shouldn't even know this man. You should only introduce someone to your child when you know he's a keeper. He is not. Time to move on, and next time, date someone but don't include your daughter in the drama. She's the one who is really going to suffer for this.
It sounds like he's not ready for a full family experience.
Find someone else.
LBC
Jen... you know exactly what I'm going to say here b/c we've PM'ed about it. You are not as young as people might think- I know I was surprised when you shared with M. that you are 27. However, you are right. You are acting like a child here.
He offered to do something and rather than saying- OK. I'll come over after I drop off my daughter. You immediately started the "poor M." stuff. He called you after dinner as promised. So it was an hour later than you expected, but did it really warrant calling-off your plans? Probably not. You didn't get ditched- you could have gone to Ikea and then to your mom's before meeting-up with him. You had a free sitter for the whole night, right?
You two are not on the same page about many things. If there are this many issues so early into a relationship you may want to consider whether or not this relationship is worth either of your time.
well, if you are PMSing you aren't gonna like my response!!
sounds like you two are not on the same page. period.
Both of you lack communication skills with each other and it's obvious you don't trust him or comfortable leaving it with "I'll be done in 30 minutes"...he's done it before - so you keep holding it over his head...you approach him negatively - "if you aren't bored" - instead of "Hey- Alice and I are would LOVE IT if you joined us at the IKEA"...however, it comes off to him as - well, maybe if you aren't bored...do you really want to be a 3rd wheel? that's how he's hearing it most likely..
It's obvious to M., he's not comfortable around your daughter for some reason (is he a pedophile and you don't know it? :) )
Really? drop him - press on and move on to a MAN who wants to be involved in your life as well as your daughter's...this should NOT be an argument. This shouldn't be a debate...instead of wasting more time on this relationship - move on!!!
First DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE your daughter. She knows this is not J. a friend. Your body language speaks volumes that this new man is your boyfriend. And I wholeheartedly agree that she should not be included in your dating till you & he both decide to get engaged.
Secondly you J. don't know how to date. You keep giving him an out & he's taking you up on it then you get upset.
It takes time to figure people out on both sides then you threw your daughter in the mix while you are still getting to know this guy. All of this is J. a recipe for disaster.
So my advice is keep your daughter away from any new prospects (and yes 8 months is very new), & learn how to date, I remember a book called 'He's J. not that into you'. Take some time for you & your daughter & learn about yourself. Figure out your deal breakers in a relationship & most importantly figure out how to talk to men.
I wish you luck but most importantly I really hope you take majority advice on here & keep your daughter away from men you are dating, 8 months is not a long time.
Oh Jen, you have so much on your plate.
Sounds like your relationship with your BF has reached a point where EXPECTATIONS need to be clearly defined. On both sides. It's time to communicate honestly.
However, since at this point in your life, you are being emotionally pulled in every direction, it might be best to J. let this one go, you know? Once you feel a sense of stability, juggling all the massive changes you've been through lately, THEN you'll be more likely to conduct a relationship that DOESN'T so closely resemble how my 14 yo daughter and her BF communicate.
I don't want to hurt your feelings, but your posts comes off as VERY VERY needy. That's not you, is it? Aren't you stronger, better than that? I think you are. I think you WILL be. I think you have the balls to get through all this without being clingy/needy depending on some MAN to determine your self worth.
I'm rootin' for you whatever you decide!!
:)
.
honestly, it sounds as if you're both having issues. BUT you are providing him with reasons/excuses for not joining you....when he'd like to. My take on this last round would be....you fell back into your old patterns, while he was truly making an effort. He J. needs to learn how to handle timing better!
I "get" keeping them separate in the beginning of your relationship....it's a smart thing to do as a single mom. But now that you've had the talk with him....it truly seems as if he is interested. Once he learns to figure timing a little better, I think life together will go easier. Hope this helps.....oh, & please don't be jealous of his dinner with his mom! That's a positive thing - he could have been out drinking with the guys.....Peace.
EDIT: Well, shame on M.. I didn't do my homework....& I know better! My response posted after 4 others....& boy, are they eye-openers. I took this post for what it seemed to be....& answered "in kind". After reading the other postings & then going back thru Jen F's other questions on this forum, now I wish I had not answered. It would be all too easy to hit "cancel".....
I guess you're taking it slow with him, which is good, and it sounds like you're taking all precautions for your daughter's feelings (getting advice, intro as friend, no sleepovers).
But if I try to put myself mentally in your position, I would not be interested in a man who didn't seem interested in being a father to my child. Who didn't even seem all that interested in being friends with my child. Maybe this can develop over time, maybe not, I J. don't know. Stakes are high. I wouldn't get too invested in someone who didn't jump at the chance to be sweet to my child. And if I invited someone to do something with M. and my child, I wouldn't set it up to sound like the most boring thing in the world. :) Don't be so self-deprecating. :) You and your child should be the most fascinating thing in the world to this man, most of the time, if he's the right one.
Oh my, you were playing games with the "no, it's okay...." thing.. which gave him a free pass. That would annoy M.... and it annoys most men too. However... I see your point, especially since he took his sweet time anyways. Did he really have to have dinner with his mother, you know... and stretch it out for so long? It sounds like a lack of communication on both of your parts, you weren't ever really positive he was going and he wasn't ever positive he was either. This is a lack of communication on your part.
Next time, be honest in the situation and give a clear time of your intentions so you are waiting around all day. "I'm leaving in 30 minutes, if you are little late, that's okay since I gave you short notice, but if it's any later than 2:00 we are going to go ahead and leave, you can meet us there if you would like to join."
Also, you only gave him about 30 minutes notice to get ready, do what he needed to do before you realized he would need more time. Next time if you really want to involve him, make plans together and set an actual time frame. An attainable one that can be measured by minutes, not by random waiting around.
I J. feel, that after 8 months, a man shouldn't be avoiding you and communication kinks should be ironed out. I don't know, my husband and I got married 10 months after we met. I'm not saying you should be getting married, J. it sounds like he's enjoying taking his sweet time on a few things.
J. based on what you wrote here, I think you ditched him. He was willing to go with you J. give him 30m and you immediately blew him off. Put yourself in his place. If he asked you to do something, but you had to take care of something that would only delay the outing by 30m, and he said, oh well, don't worry about it then. You would be ticked off that he couldn't give you 30min to take care of something and then you could've had the whole night for an outing.
How do you KNOW that he was going to blow you off? If you had stuck around and given him the 30 - 40mins and then went your own way, that would've been better. If he knew that you were waiting for him to join you at that moment, he might have rushed through, instead of taking his time since you'd already blown him off.
M.
There is one thing I would consider before delving into all the psychological reasons why he didn't show.
Is he generally J. terrible at "time?" Some people J. cannot gauge time. So I would ask you - do you think he really thought it would only take 1/2 hour or were you blown off? If it is the time thing his intention may have been honorable and he is J. bad with time. That's a big allotment of time to be bad with however....... that alone may or may not be a deal breaker. J. a thought.
Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel like this? You've been with him eight months and you already feel this way? Heck at eight months you should be smooth sailing and everything is great. Don't leave a bad relationship and move right into another.
Your daughter should't know him, in my opinion. I think it's a mistake to make her part of your dating life. When you begin talking long term commitment with someone, then she can meet him. When you feel you've met a man you will marry, or spends a long time with...then being building a new family. Until then, it's J. not healthy for your daughter. I think Bobbi is right. It doens't J. mean not having drama while your daughter and boyfriend are around, it means NOT bringing your daughter into that relationship AT ALL, until he will be around for the long haul. At 8 months, she shouldn't have even met the guy. You aren't giving your daughter enough credit. Kids know when someone isn't J. a friend. She will know he isn't. You are dating, that's for adults. Keep adult stuff out of your kid's life. Taking all precautions would include, J. not having your daughter be around it. I'm not trying to be be harsh, it's J. how I feel.
From your recent questions, I wonder if YOU should even have a new man in your life! You sure do have a lot on your plate.
Yep, you sound like you're 13. Have you opened your mouth and talked to him? Maybe he's thinking that he wants to leave you to spend time with your daughter. Maybe he doesn't understand his role with your daughter or with you when you are actively being Mommy and opts to hang out when it's more comfortable for him. You don't actually invite him to spend time with you. If you were to phrase your "invitations" to M. that way, I would find something else to do. You are so busy trying to avoid having your feelings hurt that you won't actually come out and say, "Hey, I would like for you to join us." There's a difference between that and "You can come if you want." Do you hear it? When my husband says it to M. like that, I let him know that that's not the same as wanting M. there. Also, as a stepparent, I can say that it's hard coming in feeling like an outsider and wanting to respect the relationship(s) already established while being expected to make decisions. You want him to be more aggressive in his pursuit of you. Because you are the one with the kid, you have to drive that train. You have to set the tone for what you want and what you expect. You have to open the door and invite him in and not expect him to either knock it down to come and get you (fairytale?) or rush in and close it behind him. The fact that you have a little girl means that you can't play the dating games that you are trying to play. You have to step your game up and take charge. If you're not up to it, then you should not date right now. Maybe he wants a ready-made family, maybe not. Have you actually had this conversation with him? You need to J. take care of your business and see him when you see him.
