Do Breaks in Relationhips Ever Help or Give Clarity?

I think when taking a break, 2 weeks minimum. I week isnt going to eitherof you an idea of how you really feel. 2-3 weeks is long enough to give you clarity. Less than 10 days isn't the type of break that will give you the separation and clarity you need

What you are considering is very mature! Time apart will give both of you a chance to see if you really want this relationship or if it is time to move on. It won't hurt the relationship if it is really meant to be.
If it were M., I would make it a 2 or 3 week break.
Protecting your daughter is the right thing to do. The dating thing is different when you have a child to think about. Too many people don't look at it that way. You are a wise mama!! :)

10 months and neither of you are sure? I say make it a permanent break. I don't believe in "breaks" period, unless they are permanent. A break is J. delaying the inevitable conclusion you will reach some day - you were not meant to be with him. You shouldn't settle, and it seems like you are in a relationship similar to the 10-year one that you had previously. Don't cheat yourself!

Why on earth would he commit to you when you basically hide him from your daughter? If I were him I think I'd be even more unwilling to give you an answer, he's telling you he wants to be more involved in your daughters life and not be hidden and you're questioning him on whether he sees a long, bright future? How can he even know that when he isn't even allowed all the way into your life? He sounds like a great guy for sticking around after being kept at arms length for 10 months.. you obviously don't feel strongly enough for him to even be able to consider not incorporating him into your life more so maybe you should do him a favor and break it off now.. If you don't know after 10 months you are never going to "know" because it doesn't seem there's anything to know.

Help or hurt? I don't think that it could hurt anything. If your relationship cannot survive a little space to step back and look at it, then what good is it?

I admire your stance on keeping your daughter away until you have a better idea this is a sure thing.

I think breaks can give clarity, it can make him realize he either misses you or that he's still not ready to commit. Then I think that will give you the opportunity if you want to continue on. 10 months is a long time to be together and it would seem by that point your boyfriend should be able to tell you at this point whether he feels a future is ahead or not.

Good luck!

Hi, Jen:
What is ocurring to M. is some control
issues are popping up.

You stated you don't need a relationship that you choose to be
with him. You also stated you want to feel he is sure and chooses to be with you. If he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't be asking to be mor involved.

You mentioned a past 10 year relationship with someone else. It seems that the endng of that relationship is not resolved in your mind which will affect how you are treating this relationship.

I suggest that you consider what it is you need from him and find out what he needs from you. Make a list. Make an agreement. This agreement can be updated as things change.

Then move forward.
All the Best.
D.

If talking and communicating isn't giving you the answer you want, then a break may be J. what you need. Either the relationship is moving forward or it's not. I don't blame you one bit for not involving your daughter in a relationship that might not last. A break may allow you to see that you don't want this relationship so there isn't a reason to invest more time in it, it may help your BF to realize he does want to commit, or it may do the opposite. Be prepared and open so you can see what the best answer is. Good luck!

Okay take this for what it is worth. You seem almost obsessed with knowing will it last in the long run. I know you always add the caveat I know there are no guarantees but that seems like only for effect. Like don't tell M. that I already know it but your words say you don't know it.

It is almost as if you are sure that the angels will sing and the heavens will open and you will know this is the one. Yet you know that will never happen, ya know?

So if you communicate with us the same way you communicate with him his answer to your commitment are very reasonable. You are making such a big deal about the future that he is terrified to say yes I can see myself with you forever because he knows it doesn't live up to your standards with the angels and all that. It never will.

You need to wrap your brain around this specific issue of yours. If you do not you will go on and the same thing will happen with the next man. When you love someone you don't want to tell them they are being irrational, that is what you are forcing him to do. He won't, he will J. keep going around in circles whenever you broach this subject.

I guess what I am saying is you are the one going in circles and he is J. trying to follow you for what I can only assume is because he really loves you and wants to spend his life with you.

Oh, never knew anyone to take a break and it effected the relationship one way or another.

I think the real question is this: Removing your daughter completely from this equation, do you want to move forward (relationship wise) with this guy?

If the answer is "no," break it off completely. No "breaks."

If the answer is "I don't know," you need to communicate with him and tell him about your fears so you can address them as partners. Discuss what the next steps should be so you can figure out whether you're coming or going.

If the answer is "yes," then you need to talk to him about that too.

Relationships are about communication and honesty. Choose the path that you will be proud to look back upon in 20-30 years.

I definitely think you are putting the cart before the horse here. Asking him to make you a promise or commitment without knowing what real life would be with you and your daughter isn't really fair.

Do you think you are J. trying to get out of the relationship?

In my opinion, being single between marriages for 10 years and having a daughter, children have amazing insight. You know the saying you can't fool a kid or a dog...... You aren't asking him to move in but to spend more time with you as a family, I don't think that will hurt your daughter in any way. Children are extremely resilient and don't care much at all about your personal relationship, like you might think they do.

You need to do things you are comfortable about, period. If you feel he's not sure deep inside how are YOU going to feel comfortable involving your daughter? i say, if you love him, give him more time (you said you are not in hurry) and STAY with him. Breaking up doesn't seem such a good head-clearing move to M....but it's your call.

Personally, I don't see what a week's break will do. And it seems a bit sophomoric for adults to take a week break. Now if you want to revise the relationship to seeing others, then I could see the benefit. You can't force the old "absence makes the heart grow fonder" feeling in a week!
What kind of clarity do you need? You've already stated that *you* see a future together. I guess time will tell if he does or not. I think you're wise to keep your daughter separate from this relationship if it is making you consider a "break."

You know the sayings piss or get off the pot or swim or get out of the pool? I think you either need to be together as a family or you act like divorced couples do and share financial, custody and parenting time with your child. It is WAY too confusing to her to have her dad in and out of her life. Either committ to each other to be together to raise your child or start working on a legal parenting plan/custody/child support to help raise your child that is fair to everyone. What isn't FAIR to your child is withholding her father from her an not allowing him build a relationship with her. I hope you find out something that will work for you. Good luck.

I think 10 months is a long time to be with someone and not know if there is a future. And, in my personal experience, a break is never a good thing. But, looks like other people have had good experiences.

Hey Jen,

I have to say first that I am so glad to be out of the dating scene. LOL

Also, I think it's really smart on your part to keep your daughter out of it before you know something. It does, however, lead M. to a question: Is he waiting to see what it will be like to be not J. your partner but this little girls dad? If that's the case I think that makes him pretty smart, too, because he realizes on some level that this is a dual commitment and how is he to know if he is ready for that if he isn't around. Are there other times and places you can "run into him" when your daughter is around. Introduce him as a friend and J. kind of all be in the same place at the same time but not at your house, not over for dinner, not like a family date?

Also, has something happened to make you guys be on different pages? What page is he on?

A week isn't that long a time. Is it for you to think and get clarity about what you want without him there clouding up the picture? Is he supposed to be thinking, too, or J. hanging out waiting to hear something?

If there is any part of you that is thinking that if you do this he will miss you so much that he will come around to your way of thinking (and I'm not saying there is) J. a word of warning: that could really backfire if he thinks he is being manipulated in any way, so you will want to be clear that's definitely not the case.

I don't think I was really helpful here, J. asked a bunch of questions. Sorry. :/

Seems like the thing making you hesitate, is the fact that he doesn't want to commit after 10 months. Your instinct is good there. After 10 months, he doesn't need to be so non committal, especially if he knows how you feel. It's also odd that he wants to "See more of her and bond with her more" if he's unsure about your relationship. ? If he already knows her as a friend and sees her sometimes, what's he talking about? "I'm not sure about our relationship or its future after 10 months but I want to be more significantly involved with your child." ? Um. No.

A week is nothing. Tell him to "think it over" until spring and move on with your life. I commend you for not throwing him into your child's life full force while he has cold feet. Good work.

If you fear taking a break because you might lose something great by taking a break for a week......this is not a good thing. I mean really think hard about this: You aren't going to feel differently in a week. You already know you want him to step up. You're trying to "make him do something" by fabricating a teensy tiny little break. The relationship does not sound worth what your daughter deserves: A male role model who treats her mom like a queen and really wants to be a husband and dad.

Do breaks ever help? Sure! If the people REALLY SEPARATE and take inventory and decide if they can live without each other or want to work things out together. That takes some real living apart without each others support.

I didn't read all the responses so don't know if this was said or not. But I am confused why you don't involve him more with your daughter. My friends are involved with my children, they see them, spend time with them in our home and theirs. They don't think any of our friends are going suddenly decide to be their father. They have had the same the experience with a man I dated. We dated and they thought he was J. a friend. He came over for meals, we all went out together. Went to his house, etc. Same as with any friend. So when we broke up it didn't hurt them at all. We are all still friends and we still do things together. His relationship with my kids has not changed, he was always J. a friend to them. Any man I date will only be a friend to my children, until that ring in on my finger. But i let my friends spend time with my kids and us as a family. So I don't see why your "friend" can't spend time with you and your daughter as a family. Friends come and go in life and some will be around more than others and some will go their own way whether these are dating "friends" or regular friends. Your daughter will learn this and learn it is a normal part of life, and we grieve all losses. And it is okay to learn to do that. Hopefully your relationships will all end well, and your daughter won't have to lose those friends unless they do move away or something. But i would go ahead and some more time with him. As for the break, he is not going to know anything at the end of the break no matter how long it is. It isn't him asking for that time to decide, he has already told you he can that in your future together. He wants to keep the relationship going, so he can know for sure. He may J. not be ready yet. The break would be for you so you can decide what you want to do. Do you want to keep the relationship going or end it now? So if you are not sure what you want to do, go on the break. Otherwise I wouldn't bother, it isn't for him and won't help him decide. Now my only hesitation with allowing him contact with your daughter would be if he is inappropriate with her. If that is the case, dump him now and don't continue any friendship with him. Otherwise, I see no reason that they cannot be friends. Even if you guys do break up in the end. J. make sure to set clear boundaries. As in, he is not Daddy. There is to be no mention of marriage, sex, fatherhood, dating, etc. He is not to be treated as if he lives with you or that he ever will, he should not act like a father to your daughter. I had to reinforce that boundary a few times. Men sometimes forget with their take charge attitude, and I don't mean J. men you are dating, has happened with other friends and family. Some family I don't mind, but others nope. So if you know your boundaries ahead of time, there should be no reason he can't join in on family functions, meals at home, holidays, etc.

If he wants to be an active father in his daughter's life and is responsible and caring then he has a right to see her and develop his relationship with her whether you are together or not. To withold visitation because you are unsure about the relationship doesn't solve anything and that's not fair to him or your daughter. If you haven't had counseling perhaps they can help you break through the "circles" and you might make headway.