Need Advice About Marriage

Since he lost his job, have you set down & talked about expectations, changes in responsibilities, etc.? DON'T ASSUME!!! COMMUNICATE!! Don't give up so easily until you try and set some guidelines and rules and try to WORK TOGETHER!!!

Assigning him some responsibility and work at least brings value to him as a father and provider and partner. He needs it for self confidence, too.

Hi S. now days it take both parents working just to make ends meet. Is there a reason why he isn't helping, isn't looking for a job, and what does he do with 'his free time'. I think if you are having to work outside the home and then come home and do all the chores that need to be done then why have a lazy and no respect husband hanging around. I myself have been through a lot but never anything like you have. Before you go off the deep end get out of this no help marriage. Good Luck

S. God Bless You,
It sounds to me that your husband is depressed. It's hard for a man not to be the bread winner. Does he watch the children or are they in daycare? You might try and talk with him or his doctor about depression. My husband had a stroke at 41 years old and he could not work for over 2 years. It was very hard on him and our family.(his stroke effected his vision) When he was able to go back to work about a year after the stroke he could not find a job everyone said he was over quaified. Don't give up hope. You may need to see your counseler alone and get some advice as well. If you would like to talk PM me and I will send you my phone number
My prayers are with you
M.

Hi S.,

I have been married almost 15 years... my hubby really has never "worked" - we have 3 kids at home (2y, 4y & 5y). Yes, before the kids arrived we did argue a lot about him not working... I did spend most of my time at home doing laundry, dishes and cooked a lot. But in turn he took care of the kids when I was at work and at school. I finished school in April and was laid-off from a job I had worked 12 years after the plant I worked at closed. Now, I'm the stay at home mom and he had picked up the "slack" and is a handyman.

I know people don't like hearing this, but the words that I spoke on my wedding day are very close to my heart... "to have or to hold, for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part". I said them to him with everyone in my family and his as witnesses when I was only 17 years old and I still believe them today. If the only reason you are wanting to leave or have him leave is because he isn't working I don't think you are following through on the promuse you made to eachother.

But most of all right now... there are how many people unemployed at the moment? So many are looking for work and can find it. My bother-in-law has been unemployed for over a year... but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to work, more the work isn't there. And yes after awhile you kinda give up, fell your useless, not motivated (form of depression) and just can't find the strenght within yourself to do anything. I agree that he should help where he can, but maybe a different way of asking will help.

I'm sorry but I presonaly feel people give up to easy... and the hardest 2 "jobs" in the world are marrage & parenting. Which means they are the ones everyone quites the fastest!

S., I'm sorry if I don't seem supportive... I do feel your pain - I was there for many years! But I don't think giving up is the answer to the problem - it will just cause another problem!

I read the questions wrong.

You didn't explain if he has looked for a job or not. It might be he, like some other people I know is listed with several employment agencies, spends several hours a day applying for jobs and hasn't been able to get one. If so he is feeling depressed and defeated. I know it's a pain but he needs to have some reason to feel good about himself and that he is a productive part of society again. Once he can find a reason to feel better about himself he will get off his butt.
It might help for him to watch the Movie "Mr Mom".

Well, you probably need to ask yourself, "when is enough enough?" Your husband is probably depressed due to the job situation.

Figure out what you *really* want to have happen (just help out around the house? get a job? at least look for a job?), and what he is willing to do (both at home and the looking for a job) and try to come to a compromise. Let him know you realize it's hard looking for a job, and nobody wants to do it, but unless his job is cleaning up the house and taking care of the kids (the equivalent of 2 full-time jobs), then he needs to get "out there and start looking".

He can look into getting work through a temp agency - they'll even train him on stuff he might need training on. I am not above flipping burgers if it means providing for my kids.

Meanwhile, make peace with imperfection, and do what you can when you can.

Just a few thoughts, for what it's worth....good luck!

I agree with the others, he probably is dealing with depression. I have been married for over 20 years to one of the most hardworking men I have ever met. A few years back he lost his job and had a difficult time finding a new one. He applied for many, most said he was over qualified. The depression set in, that only made it worse. It's a slippery slope and the one feeds off the other. If he has a college degree, no matter what it is in, in most school districts he can be a substitute teacher. My husband did this, it enabled him to have time off if he had an interview but still gave us an income. Most pay around 100 a day. I know its not much but it is something.
If you attend a church, talk to the pastor, they may be able to help. With us it wasn't until we were on our last $50, that things turned around. There is a lot of shame felt by men who are dealing with this. Once they get over the shame things get better.
Recently my husband lost his job again. This time he called many former contacts from his old job, mainly other past employees, and had a job by the end of the day! Hope this helps. Divorce will not help anything only push him deeper into the depression.

S.,
Would he be open to talking to me about not only a product that could help him, but also a purpose for his life?

I have seen worse cases really turn around. If interested,please call me...it would be so worth it...not only for him, you, but also the kids.

Sincerely,
A.
###-###-####
www.HopeShared.com

This is something that is affecting many families. I know there are support groups at some churches. He needs to be part of a group that helps to encourage him and help him to find a job. When you are in a group with other men, you realize that there are other people out there with bigger problems. My mom always told me when you help others you are actually helping yourself. And when we help others it is amazing how it helps us feel better about ourself plus you're taking your eye off yourself.

Have you talked to him about specific things he can do around the house to help out? Don't ever expect him to know what needs done. I learned very early on that with my husband he is more than happy to help out, but if I don't say "hey, can you put that load in the dryer for me when the washer is done?", then he doesn't think about doing it. I used to get really mad when my kids were still in diapers, and little things like if they spit up while I was changing them or peed on me or something, he wouldn't get up to get me a towel or anything. When I blew up at him over it, he said that he didn't know I needed anything, but if I would've told him he would've grabbed what I needed. To women, things are very natural as far as getting the kids what they need and keeping up on housework. With a lot of men though, they don't think about those kinds of things. Communication is key, so tell him that you've been bothered by him not helping, and it would be really great if he could help you out. Just make sure you are specific about things he could do that would really make a difference.

Hi S.,

My husband defines himself by his ability to provide for his family. If one day that was gone, I don't know what he would do. His self esteem would plummet, and he might be afraid to go out and look, for fear of further rejection. Also, in todays financial climate, it might be even more terrifying and seem like the odds are even further against him. With as much as we have progressed in become more gender equal, most people still look down on a house husband, so that may seem even further humiliating. He is, most likely, depressed. Was he lazy before this all happened? If not, then it seems like it wouldn't be just laziness now.

I would take a different approach. Point out to him that he has an opportunity that most men don't ever get. He gets to be a daily nurturing presence in the life of his kids. They will never forget it. One of my most special memories of my dad was while he was laid off and was home taking care of me while I was sick. I remember him brushing my hair (which was forever long) and he was even more gentle than my mom. Help him find his worth again, and as his self esteem improves so might his ability to find work.

Ugh! S., I totally empathize! I'm in the same boat. And being in the same boat, I have no sympathy for your husband, and I doubt he's depressed. Does he SEEM depressed, or does he seem pretty content to let you do all the work?

What does he do all day? Does he sit around watching TV or get on the computer to move his fantasy football players around? Does he not even go out looking for a job because he says his resume is online for people to find and contact him if they want to hire him? Oh, sorry.....now we're talking about me, not you. Let's get back to you.

It sounds like it has come to the point where you have to lay down an ultimatum. And if he doesn't get with the program, divorce is MUCH better for the children now than in a couple years. The worst time for children to go through a divorce is when they're between 6 and 11. So if you're considering it, make the decision ASAP. I'm sure your five year old - and to some extent, your two year old - can tell that things are not happy around the house. That puts a lot of stress on them, also. Especially if you and your husband argue, and they can hear it. And that is not any better for them than a divorce.

I wish you the very best, S.. I know you're in a difficult situation and you've got a lot of work ahead of you, no matter what you decide. If you would like to chat, feel free to email me.

Blessings to you,
J.

Hi S. e! First of all when was the last time your husband had a check-up? Sounds like he is depressed because he lost his job. He needs to see a doctor, first; then maybe a therapist. You may want to talk with him about changing the type of job he was normally doing & going back to school for something different. There is work out there; it just maybe not what he would like to do or he just doesn't have the education for it. Also, let hubby know that it role reversal time! He is to be the stay at parent & needs to start taking care of the house & kids & all that entails while you are out making the rent/mortgage money. You've been together for eleven years; don't throw it away just yet. If he gets huffy, let him know in no uncertain terms that you do love him very much; but you need his help; plus ask him what would he do if something happened to you? Good luck & tell him the year of mourning is over!!!!!! Get to work on the house if nothing else is available.

I feel your pain...been there done that..I was married for 9 years..my husband was laid off for the 3rd time..I would come home from work only to find that my sons ages 5 and 8 at the time watching tv while daddy was playing video games or on the computer..I still cooked dinner and cleaned. I got fed up..we went to counseling..nothing changed..I asked for a divorce and funny enough he went out and got a job, after I moved out..I did not accept him back, the divorce went through and I am now happily married to a hard working caring man who takes care of me and my boys and we now have a beautiful baby boy of our own who is 5 months and my boys are now 13 and 10 and doing very well...Standing up for myself and never backing down was one of the best things I ever did. My advise, really think and evaluate if you really love this man? you seem to already be a single mom thats works hard caring for your children. If counseling did not work, then maybe an ultimatum or a separation will wake him up.

If this behavior is out of character for your husband, then I agree that your husband may be depressed. Not everyone who is depressed spends all day crying. Sometimes, it's just an inability to get motivated - at anything. Another possibility is that your husband looks around and thinks the house looks fine (men are often like that!) and it really doesn't occur to him to help out. My husband is like this. He is happy to help if I ask, but he doesn't take the initiative.

If your husband is willing to help around the house, then it's time to sit him down and tell him that as a stay-at-home dad, there are some things you need him to do during the day. (If he is not willing to help around the house, and he is not actively looking for work, you NEED marriage counseling). Don't just expect him to do it. Make a list of things you would like him to do each day, and try to remember that he may not multi-task as well as you do and he definitely won't clean as well as you do.

Start small, like "Today, I need you to do all the laundry - that means wash it, dry it, fold it, AND put it away." And that can be his only job for the day. If he does it, you can give him more responsibilities. If he doesn't, well, then you have to take a look at what kind of man you married. Good luck.

Call your husband's doctor and explain his behavior to him. Your husband is probably suffering from depression. If you can get him to see his doctor with his doctor having some pre-knowledge from you, he can help.

well S. u have to ask your self do u want too do this anymore,also u have too put your foot down and tell him i need help I GIVE U 1 WEEK TOO GET A JOB AND HELP ME AROUND THE HOUSE PLEASE.If not i need to move on.good luck.......

I personally can't give any advice, however, I know an organization that can help for free. It's called Marriage Works! Ohio, ###-###-####, or www.trustmarriage.com. They have classes that give couples the communication tools and conflict resolution techniques that would come in useful in situations such as yours. They also have some one-on-one education, too. It is different than counseling and more solution-based focused, so if they can't help you with your situation, I don't know who can. They also have support groups for men in similar situations and can make referrals if he needs help with depression.

Marriage Works! Ohio programs aren't for just married people either, I am single and went to the classes and they taught me so much about how to build a healthy relationship. I will definitely use the tools in my next relationship. I have several friends that used their classes for their premarital requirements for their church, too.
~N.