Need Advice for a Child Who Walks All over Me.

Wow, your daughter sounds just like mine, but mine is 2. Looking at what you have said, it doesn’t sound like you have a bad kid at all – she is not causing problems in school, fighting with outers, etc. – just trying to be in control when with you. I don’t know the entire situation, but maybe she is having problems adjusting to having to share you after 9 years. I am sure living with your fiancé and soon to be mother in law is not something she had any control over or role in the decision making. This may be her way of trying to find a way to have some control. These are just ideas, but if I was in your situation I would give this a try. For meals – let her make a list of 5 or 10 meals (what ever you feel is appropriate) and tell her that for those meals ONLY you will make her noodles in stead, all meals she does not put on paper, she has to eat. For the tantrums in the stores, simply put her in control. Start a chore chart and allowance, she can buy what she wishes with her allowance, but you will not buy her anything else. Encourage your family to switch to something similar. As far as the day care, if she is getting away with fits and tantrums at daycare at age nine, I would look for another daycare. At night, set aside some one on one time with her prior to bed, and then stick to your guns. One last thing – who cares if she tells you mom you are mean – you are the mom, it is your job to be mean.

Hi,

The first thing I would do is get her home with you. She is challenging your authority and you can't re-establish yourself if you are not living with her. You are doing the right thing in trying to take care of this before it becomes a long term issue. Do you have a regular schedule with her sitters while you are at work? (this place on Tuesday, here for overnights on Fridays etc.?) Consistency is definitely needed.

Reward her when she does something right. Buy poker chips and every time she does something helpful or good, give her one. She can keep them in a jar and redeem them for something she wants. Each chip will have a value and make a list of how many chips something will cost. Staying up late might be five chips while a new pair of jeans might be 25. Post the list where she can see it.

Chips can be taken away along with the grounding or whatever punishment you see fit. One parent I know had trouble with her daughter being fussy with her clothes and so she boxed up all her clothes except for two pairs of jeans and three plain shirts. They were doing laundry almost everyday for a month, but it helped.

Let your caregivers know what you are doing so if they see her doing something 'chip-worthy' they can let you know. If they do not want to support you in this, find different care givers. You are her mother and that means you decide how she is disciplined, not them.

I do the chip system for video screen time (tv, games, computer) and be sure to keep the chips somewhere tha she cannot get to, or she will. ;)

K.,

Your daughter sounds alot like me when I was little. I think the advice about the poker chips is a GREAT one! She'll feel a little more in control, yet you're really the one making the calls. Also, I did alot of my tantrums to just get attention. My mom would send me to my room until I was done. I HATED it! I would go to my room and throw my stuffed animals and scream and cry but then after a while I got bored, I didn't want to stay in there, I was lonely, So I'd finally pull myself together and then I could come back out. I dont' know if that would work for a punishment for her or not but it sure worked for me. Good Luck!
-A. M

Oh, K.! You have to pursue the "tough love" It is tough and being the parent, you are going to have to exhibit it, and stand by it, no matter how often your daughter starts throwing her fit. The reason she acts like this is, in the end, everyone gives into her, so she's enjoying it. If the other relatives cater to her, let them. But, make it VERY clear to her, that when she gets home, things WILL NOT go that way. When you tell her that she can't have something her way, let her cry. She may cry for a long time, but you HAVE TO stick with it. Sooner or later she will stop, because she will be tired. It may be an hour or over, but this is what HAS TO happen. Once this occurs and she learns that she will not get her way with you, then she will calm down. Dealing with her screaming and you not giving in is what TOUGH LOVE is all about. Hope I helped!!

Hello K.. When it comes to children it is NEVER too late. It is going to be hard to enforce your role as her Mother if she is living with g-ma. With my 4 y/o she is spoiled to death by my grandparents. They alawys run to the store to buy her cookies and chocolate milk when she stays (which is once a week). However, when I take her to the store she doesn't ask for that kind of thing. Just yesterday when we went to the store she wanted bannanas (she always wants those) and Trix yogart. My point is, Grandparents and the rest of the family's job is to spoil her. Your job is to keep her grounded in life.
I think if you want to have a relationship with your daughter, she needs to be living with you and you need a rule chart, a chore chart, and stick to it; even though it will be hell for a month. Every parent melts when we hear our children say they hate us or they are going to call that number, but it is a part of parenthood. I get it from my 4 y/o and at first she received a reaction that satisfied her and she kept doing it (Oh Honey, mommy isn't trying to be mean) now I say, "You haven't seen mean yet". I was hearing it several times a day, now I rarely hear those words.
I think when it comes to buying her things and eating out, she needs to earn the money herslef by doing chores. My 4 y/o went and did chores at family's house to make money for a new toy she wanted. Also, you are her mom and I think you need to enforce that role.
I am sorry if this sounds really harsh, it is just how I feel. I think too many children run our hosueholds and need to know where their role is. Now, my children have days where they act like they are in control until the straw breaks the camels back (so to speak) and my children are not now nor will they every be perfect; they are children. They have thier chores to do, they eat what I make for them to eat or go w/o, and they have the fun time. It is constantly a balancing act. My prayers will be with you.

K.- I have a 9 year old daughter also. She also goes to visit her father and grandmother and gets spoiled while she is there! They let her do whatever she wants while she is there and then when she gets back home, it's crazy for a while until she gets back into the routine of where she is and what rules she must follow at my house. My best advice is just be firm with her. Let her cry and throw a fit, but let her know it won't work with you. Don't give in to her, you are her mother, not her friend. Friendship comes later when she is grown...It's not too late with her, but if you let it continue, it could get that way. I have a 16 year old brother who acted that way when he was younger and because it wasn't taken care of, it continually got worse and now, just this week, he is being sent away to a "school" for a year until he learns right from wrong again. It's horrible to say the least! I wish you good luck and make sure to get her home with you right away so she knows you are in charge, not her!!

First of all I think she is being shipped around to much and does not know how to take athority from you because of that. Do positve reinforcements with her. Say things like "you behaved really well today" or I appreciate how nice you have been. Have her help you with dinner and household chours, she is old enough to do them but make it time that you are with he, so be in the same room. For example doing dishes together, you wash she dries. Set aside a day to go to the park and go for a walk or go biking. Ask her what her interests are and do some things on her terms.
You are her mother and you do need to get her to understand that before she is a teenager.