Need Advice for Pre-teen

Added: I have to go back and say I'm just so worried about your daughter. Behavior is a language and she's very clear in telling you how miserable she is. Asking why she was born? Huge red flag.

What are you DOING? Seriously.

I'm going to say this as a single mom: She is telling you loud and clear what the problem is. Who matters more to you, your boyfriend or your daughter? Have you given her time to adjust to all the trauma (yes, trauma) in her life? What I'm reading, is that YOU need to grow up and respect that your daughter has to live in this situation that you and her father have created. Do you feel proud of the example you are setting?

Hi L.. I'm sorry, I know you've been through a lot.

But so has she. Many changes have happened to her lately and she feels a loss of control. She feels like she has no voice. She feels invisible.

But I would not move a man into my household unless my kids (of any age) were absolutely THRILLED with the idea. And in hindsight, the kids would have to be THRILLED, AND I would need a ring and a proposal.

Childhood is so short and I've got the rest of my life to find a man.

Really, I'm sorry to be harsh, but the kids have GOT to come first. There has GOT to be another way to save money. And a GOOD man would recognize the damage it's doing to yours and your kids' relationship, and wouldn't WANT to move in.

Perhaps if you talked to her like you really CARE how she feels, maybe if she felt like a valuable member of her own household her behavior may change.

:(

Dating is one thing, but moving in? to save money?
With everything you and your kids have been through this just sounds like a recipe for disaster. My God it's barely been a year!
I'm sorry to be blunt but I think you are being very selfish here. A twelve year old shouldn't be expected to "understand" her mother's physical and emotional needs.
If your boyfriend loves you he will understand this and the relationship will continue to grow. If not, I imagine he will find someone else to shack up with and you and your children will be better off.

Wow I agree with the others, what is your rush to move a boyfriend into the house when you have kids? and a daughter at that? What are ya'll trying to save money for? He needs to keep his place and you keep yours! Sounds like you need to focus on family, men come and go...

You don't say what she was being "disrespectful" about. In no way should your bf be parenting her.

She is on the verge of becoming a teen, which is a difficult age. She has been through a LOT. You need to really try to understand her feelings and show her that you listen to her and care about her feelings. If you don't start this now, it will be REALLY bad in a year or two.

If she hits herself, asks why was she born, etc., statements like that are serious. I really think she should see a counselor. You could start with the school counselor. Go talk to him/her TODAY.

Remember, it is hard on her to have your bf move in, no matter how much financial sense it makes and how much you deserve your own life. So be careful what you say to her.

It sounds like your bf is young, so he DEFINITELY should not be telling her what to do. Your ex has a point. If this keeps getting worse, maybe she SHOULD go live with him.

I agree with everyone else.

Your daughter is angry and miserable. What her Dad and you are dealing her is too much for her to handle. She is 12. Her own angst in growing up is hard enough. You say you are so physically ill you are trying to arrangment for a psychologist. YOU are also miserable trying to make this work. You have ask yourself if the "funds" you are saving moving a boyfriend into your home are worth it. Your boyfriend maybe should get a roommate if he is that short on funds. You can look for other ways to save some money. Isn't there plenty of time to lead your "adult life" during the times your kids visit their Dad? Is it not enough just to date and spend time with him when your kids are at their Dad's place? If your boyfriend wouldn't understand that, that says a lot. If you need him around more than that, you really do have to decide who's needs come first right now, yours for the boyfriend, or your kids' for you.

I think she could use a counselor. You can also call her school and see if the guidance office would speak to her in the meantime. I'm only 11 yrs older than my SS. I think you need to remind her the house rules and keep talking to her. Her father can say whatever he wants, but the reality is this is your BF and you expect x from both kids in regards to your friends, at minimum. As far as the go live with her father, that's likely mostly bluffing. My DH's ex tried to get custody of just the younger child 2x and both times DH told her "take me to court". She never did. What your DD is saying is I'm going to live with Dad. What you need to find out is what, specifically, she finds so onerous in your house. Besides the BF.

Your kids have been through A LOT. Even though it may seem a long time coming to you, it's not the same to them. I would slow down. Please. For them. For you. For BF. Why rush him into the house when your kids already have so much to deal with? Saving money is not the right reason.

When I was looking for a new place to rent, DH and I had only been dating 6 months. He suggested I move in and I said no. Not because I didn't love him, but because it had ONLY been six months. We needed a lot more time to see where it was going before I joined his household - with kids. It was the right thing for a number of reasons. Please reconsider.

This is all too much for your daughter and it seems you and your ex are not helping things. You all need to be in counseling together and separately. She is Lansing out -it's a cry for help. Dad's gone, mom has a new boyfriend, brother is sick. This is too much on the kid at one time. How would you feel?

You've received a lot of advice and mine is along the same lines - please don't take any of this as judgey or negative. . . . just read all your answers and think about it.

I have been remarried for almost 2 years (in December). My daughter was 13 at the time. We dated for a year . . . they had already known him from church so they didn't have to get to "know" him, just "know" him in a different way. I didn't introduce as a boyfriend until we knew we were getting married. My girls always came first - I never left them home to go out with him in the beginning. I didn't want them to feel I was choosing him over them. I SLOWLY introduced him into our lives - starting with dinner out after church on Sundays. Slowly started doing more - he jokes about having to date 3 women. He was a step-kid - so he gets it. He's got a lot of good perspective about it.

My 15 year old will often threaten to move to her dads. She will take things out of him and yell at him. She does have Aspergers so trying to teach her what is appropriate to say outloud and what needs to stay in your head. He has tried to keep a "friend" role and I do all the discplining. He has "fun" with them. My 7 year old got upset and threatened to move to dad's . . . we had a family meeting and asked if either them were serious - they were not and want to live with us - so we decided to take that option off the table and no more threatening.

Also, would you want her at 18 to move in with a boyfriend? Maybe you would be OK with that, I would not be. How can you tell her otherwise when you did the same thing? My husbands lease was up mid november, he moved in to my house, his own room, we did not sleep in the same bed . . .we got married 3 weeks later. My 15 years sees that as us "living together" before marriage. We do talk to her that it was 3 weeks and we were not having sex before we were married (something else I want her to strive for). But having Aspergers, she's black and white - so I wish we would have found another option.

You can't "make" your daughter understand. The more you push it, the harder she will go the other way. It's needs to be a "non" issue. I would recommend he not move in (regarless of your feelings of living together before marriage) due to how your daughter feels. Has he gone above and beyond to try with her? Is it life as normal and he's just your boyfriend? I'm sorry, it's a double standard - Dad has a girlfriend and it doesn't matter if she likes her or not - she doesn't live with him, she lives with you. She considers your home her home and now theres about to be someone she's not comfortable with living there. Do you do have time alone with each of the kids? I do make an effort to have occassional alone time with each kid as does my husband. You need to get your relationship back on track with them and then do something fun with boyfriend, unfortunately, I think you are going to have to stop the bus, back up and start over.

Gee, ya think your daughter is having a hard time will ALL of this mess? At what point, are you going to be more concerned with HER feelings, more then your own?

Grow up. You are delusional, if you think what you are doing is best, or healthy. Put her FIRST, and stop MAKING her accept your mistakes. This is not her father's opinion, this is HERS. She is hurting. Do you even care?

This is heartbreaking. One or two major life traumas within a year are disabling. Let's look at what she as experienced:

Her brother has a critical illness.
Her parents divorced.
Her father moved in with someone.
Her mother wants to move in with someone her father doesn't approve of.
Her mother's boyfriend is young enough to provoke comments from others.
She is expected to "respect" someone who is not her parent.

This is too much for even the most seasoned adult to handle. Remember she has only 12 years of experience to draw from. This is TOO MUCH. You need to back off from your bf relationship and let her settle in to all the other horrors of her life. Do not move him into the house. There is no amount of money that is worth your daughter's well-being.

Other random thoughts:

What is the age difference between your daughter and boyfriend? Less than 15 years? Could add to the problem.

Children can be good judges of character. If she doesn't like your bf you might want to examine the reasons why.

She has had many adjustments in the past year or so. She needs you to be her constant and her defender. I should write that 20 times....it's that important.

Seeing your mother acting "loose" would really hurt at her age. She's going to lose some respect for you. I wish I could think of a better term, but it's late and my brain isn't quite 100%. For you to move in with a guy is probably contrary to what you have tried to teach her about relationships and values.

I'm very concerned about what you mean by "respecting" your bf. He has no place giving her orders, instruction, punishment, etc. Please see that this is not happening. If he is doing this, he is not good for you or your kids.

Therapy for you and for your daughter (individually) is in order. She's been hit with too much for anyone to handle.

Well, all I have to say, and you don't have to listen to any of it if you don't want to, is that I've been divorced for 15 years and I never introduced anyone to my kids.
Sorry....

It's not that I haven't dated with my kids not knowing. But, if someone wasn't marriage material, my kids were oblivious. I am not being judgemental, but I never would have moved a man in because he was my boyfriend and I never would have expected my kids to respect him as and adult figure in the family.

That's just me.

I didn't want to deal with the drama or realities of my kids accepting someone esle moving into my home. My youngest will be 18 and out on his own in a year. Then, I have all the time in the world to do what I want.

I know many won't agree with me, but when my mother divorced my dad, there were guys left and right and she moved in with one that was a total loser. She eventually married him and then I bailed her out when she caught him cheating with someone else. I was at her rescue. She was never at mine. She even had told me, "You're just jealous because I have someone and you'll never like who it is".
I would have liked someone who was kind to her and respectful of the fact that her kids didn't really know him. He was not our dad no matter how much they tried to force it.

It is for these reasons that I have completely sheltered my kids from my love life or my interest in men. Had I found someone that I could see marrying, I would have married him. I wouldn't have moved him in and played house when kids already aren't sure about how tenuous or true or long lasting relationships can be.
My first responsibility was always to my children.
I knew that my adult needs really had nothing to do with them unless I had a relationship that was secure. By secure, I mean leading to marriage.
It just so happens that I have never found that and they have never been dragged through the "whoopsies" of ill-fated dates or men that could never fit in with US.

This is just my opinion and many may not agree with me.
Your daughter is at an age where she will likely not be accepting of your love or life choices and the more you push, the more she may push back.
Your son is going through health issues that are serious.
I can understand you needing support, but I also understand your kids needing you putting them first.

I have no regrets about putting my kids first. My marriage didn't work out. I've never been in a hurry to make another bad choice.

I'm not saying you've made a bad choice, but you need to break things down into doable doses. Your kids won't be with you much longer.
It's okay to think about how to heal things now, for your kids, and even foster a relationship that is separate with a man you care for.

Forcing any of this...I don't see a happy ending.

Just my opinion.