For the last two years I have been going to school for web design. I have a 5 almost 6 year old daughter who lives with me. Tomorrow I have a huge job interview in a town that is about 2 hrs away. My daughter was born where we live now, her dad, and his parents and sister and brother live here as well. My mom lives closer to the town with the new job, my siblings don't live near by at all. This job is a cool job, and I know I'm over thinking something that has not been actually offered to me yet, but last year I made $8000, this year I will make about the same, this new job is $30,000, the real estate where I live now is ridiculous , you can't even by a 1000 sqr ft condo for under half a mill. I know there are so many bonus's to taking the new job, in a town that is affordable, and a job with benefits. I guess my question to all you ladies is: do I uproot my daughter for more money and health insurance (we don't have any now),and maybe be able to buy a house one day, or do I stay where I am, close to everything she knows, her school her family her friends her life, swimming and riding lessons? I don't know what to do, I am totally freaked out about what to do, and what is right for her. When I filled out the application for this job and sent my resume and portfolio I never thought I would even get a call back, and now here I am getting ready to drive 2 hrs to go to an interview. I know it doesn't sound that far, but there is a huge mountain pass in between that in the winter is really sketchy. I guess I would just like to hear what you women have to say. I need to figure out away to gain some perspective in my own head, everyone I know says I should take this job if they offer it to me, that one year working for a college and doing their web site would be great for my resume. But if I do move from where I am now, I wouldn't be able to come back, I live in a low income apartment, which as soon as I move will be snatched up, and everything else is out of reach without a roommate. I know I just dumped a lot of information at you all, but I thought the background info might help. I guess thats all for now, I already feel better for purging my brain.
Well I would like to start by thanking all of you for your advice and wisdom. After spending the day in the town with the interview, and going through the interview and meeting the women I would be working with I have decided, I think, that if they offer me the job I will turn it down. Parts of the whole experience made me want to take the job, and other parts made me go no way. I think in the long run it is better for me to explore some options here where I am, and if I decide to make a huge move go someplace that I really want to be. Which isn't were the job is, it is back to Arizona. But all of your advice really helped me put my own thoughts into some kind of rational perspective and that is something that I really needed, so I thank all of you again.
Only you can really know the right thing to do. Health benefits are very important though...talk it through with people it will affect and take time and make pro and con lists.
I've moved more than 10 times in my life and have only one regret, that is because of all my moving around that I don't have much of a relationship with any of my extended family, and my kids don't really know their grandparents and aunts and uncles ect. ...but 2 hours away is still close enough to maintain those ties. but it will probably be on your shoulders to keep those relationshps. But you can make it work if it's important to you. Do what you need to do to take care of your daugher.
After reading your "book" I have thought that there are times as a parent that you have to think of yourself. Granted you have to think about the impact that your decisions will have on your family, but ultimately it is your decision. It sounds to me like the move will be better in the overall scheme of things than staying put(more money, health insurance). Sometimes you have to put yourself (and your daughter) into the unfamilar to grow into more confident people. So if you get offered that job, take a step out of your comfort zone and make that step into a positive one. Your daughter is young enough that she will make new friends and find new things to do in your new place, plus the old home is close enough that you can go back and visit often or they can come and visit you. Who knows, maybe they will find it refreshing and want to more there too. I know that I have made some tough decisions like this when I started my family....I made a choice to continue my schooling in one town while leaving my then 3 1/2 month old with my husband in another. Every situation is different and we don't know all the details....but you make the choice that is right for you and your family at the time. Good luck with the interview and in the choices that you make. What ever you decide, you need to do the right thing for your family.
J.
hi A.,
hey, good for you! i'm quite a bit older than you and when my kids were younger i stayed where i was at in my life because i didn't want to disrupt their familiar routines and i thought at the time that it was important for them to have their father in their lives. ....it took me some time to realize that staying in a situation that holds me down (in your case: low income, no health insurance benefits, etc) was actually not a good thing for my kids to witness either. what motivated me to go after the life that was right for me was my sister saying to me "be the role model you want your daughter to grow up to be". so think of it this way: what will you tell YOUR daughter 23 years from now when she is in such a situation? you'd tell her to go after what is right for her. and by doing so, she is becoming a healthy, well-balanced, strong woman. by no means does any of this advice has to do with saying her father and extended family is not important. of course they are. you will work out the logistics of that once you make this move. kids are remarkably adaptable and it sounds like to me you are showing your daughter how to adapt, be strong and yet loving. absolutely go for this move. become the woman who can really reach out and take on life. this really isn't about "money", but about establishing an independence and security that will provide a solid foundation in both your life and your daughter's.
since you wrote a book (teasing!), i'll finish my own book of advice by telling you a bit more. as your daughter gets older, she will reach out and spend more and more time with friends and school and activities. a sign of being a good parent is how well adjusted and independent our children grow up to be (and please, i hope no one is reading this thinking that i mean independence means not having anything to do with family.) family gives a strong solid foundation that allows our children to take flight and it sounds to me like you are truly headed in the right direction here. my kids grew up without a solid fatherly figure and every week someone stops to tell me how much they admire my now adult kids. my "kids" are very family oriented, secure, well balanced and confident as they are now reaching out for the lives that they need/want. show your daughter how to do that, starting now.
my very best wishes to you. none of it will be easy, but when you pick the right path, it will nonetheless feel good.
I know you want to better yourself for yourself and for your daughter, but I wanted to give you a different perspective. Although 2 hours doesn't seem very far away, it will seem like 1,000 miles away for a little girl who is used to seeing her daddy a lot. I know you have to make the right decision to be able to take care of her, and I don't disagree with that. I just hope you make the effort to take her to see her dad every week for more than a weekend. It really isn't fair for your daughter or her dad for you to uproot her and minimize their contact therefore diminishing their relationship. Little girls need their daddies in their lives because more often than not, if they don't have the constant interaction and support from their dads, in their teen years(now days probably earlier)they turn to boys and sex for the male love they are missing from their fathers. I know of what I speak. I just hope you think this over from all directions before you make a decision. I know that if I were in your situation, I couldn't imagine taking my kids away from their dad. He loves them too much to not see them every single day and they adore him and would miss him.
I would wait to see what happens with your interview and then go from there. This being said, here is some advice form a mother of four. It is your job to teach your daughter how to take care of herself when she gets older. I would admagine that the low paying job and the low income rental doesn't help your self esteem. If you do well, your daughter will be much more likely to do well.
When I was young I was raised in a very small town with my parents friends children. We were one great big family. When my parents divorced one moved to the next town and I didn't like the idea of change AT ALL!!! My father told me there was more to life than the town I grew up in and I needed to learn this. After he passed away I traveled all over the country and even to Malaysia, on the island of Borneo!. I ended up back at my home town to raise my children, but I now know what he was telling me. I am much more aware of the entire world and our country rather than just my home town. I learned that I will be okay no matter where I live, and people are pretty much the same no matter where you go. I am far more adjusted, much more educated, and can handle change.
Your daughter will be fine no matter where you go, but having a mother that is doing better for herself will over flow into her as well. Sure at first it will be hard for her, but she will get over it and do fine. She will have pride and health insurance!!! Another point to be made, it isn't like you couldn't ever go home...all that family wouldn't throw you to the wolves if it didn't work out would they???
I would research the new area VERY well to ensure that the bigger paycheck would be reasonable to live on...just in case. The more you know the better decision you will make. GOOD LUCK!!!
Good luck with your interview! How great you are building a future for you and your daughter! Health insurance is so important to have in America...that right there would make the decision for me with my children. Two hours away is not a big deal at all! With your higher income and lower living costs, weekend trips here and there to see everyone would not be a big deal...easy day trips if you don't want to spend the night (leave in the morning, back in the evening).
When I got divorced I wanted a new life. I moved my kids 8 hours away through a couple windy passes and then every other weekend made the trek back. After a couple months I lost my nerve and moved back and it was the biggest mistake ever! Yes,I married the love of my life and there were a few pluses here and there but a few years later our "new" family moved back to my new life and haven't looked back. We both make more money and have a happy lifestyle that is all our own. My point is that if moving will make a better life then do it and stick it out. Everyone tries to say that money shouldn't make a difference but it does. There is so much more you will be able to give your daughter by improving your lifestyle. It's only two hours and if they want the relationship they will make the drive.
It sounds like the job would be good for both of you. I think your daughter would learn a lot. What inspiration for her to know that you got out of a poverty life and into a self supporting life, especially as a single mom! 2 hours isn't that far. We've lived as far away from family as 8 hours, but we've been able to maintain a relationship at holidays, and that, too, included mountain passes. We only got snowed in on the road once in all the trips we took, and even then, we found a cheap hotel that was nice. You say everyone is supportive of the move and that counts for a lot, because you will have their support after the move, too. My mom was a single mom, without a whole lot of family support, and she is such an inspiration to me. I think it's a great opportunity for your daughter to see that you can overcome tough situations. It's also a great plus to have the insurance and financial stability.
If you solely support your daughter you have to put her future first. 2 hours a way is not much at all! Those that want to visit will and can.
You have a chance to make your life and future better, relieve yourself of some stress in that area and I think before your daughter gets all involved in a school, now is the time to do that. I will say a prayer for you that you get the job offer. You are that childs mother and have to look out for her. Giving her a better life, insurance is doing just that. You aren't moving 2,000 miles away, just two hours...there is a huge difference.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!!!
