Serious decisions...long Post!!!

I don't see moving to another state the only option just because of free housing. Then you'd go from one working household member to none. Not to mention, that would not help his chances for custody at all but would hinder. I would suggest he look for any job he could get and you all could find a cheaper place, even if it's just temporary. Has he tried filing for unemployment in the meantime? Wishing you luck.

I don't see that you have to or should move. Free housing does not necessarily trump proximity to one's children and your home. Since he has no job right now, it sounds like you are the breadwinner. I wouldn't give up my job and move 8 hours away to somewhere neither one of you has a job. I would rethink your assumption that this is a 'no brainer'.

"We may not be married legally but in every essence other than a piece of paper we are. "

Do you know you get married you gain about 1400 legal rights? So t underestimate that little piece of paper.
So how many other ways are you married?

He can't leave his children.

Downsize, cut corners, sacrifice, get extra PT jobs.
I think you should be convincing him to stay near his kids and assure him that you're willing to do whatever you have to do to get through the bad times--not run away. Isn't that what marriage is all about?

You are not going to like the answers you get. This question should not be about you convincing him you will always be there. The question should be about how can the two of you figure out how to be employed and get your finances back on track so you can get through this.

Which leads to me too - I'm a bit confused. Why can't he get another job where you are? Moving somewhere where neither of you have jobs but have yourselves and children to support - that's a no brainer NOT to do it. I'm thinking this idea has not been thought through completely.

For his children, wouldn't they feel abandoned if he left the state. You wouldn't be leaving them behind for a 'moment' - a moment is a small piece of time in one instance - you are talking about him leaving his children to be with another family across state lines.

I hear what you are saying, but to be honest, you sound a bit flippant since you have your children and it sounds like you don't think he needs his kids near by. Could you move away from your children for any reason? If your answer is no, then give your SO the same respect.

Good luck!

He should get another job where you currently live. End of story.

Moving to another state will only complicate everything.

He won't be able to fight for custody from another state. Not unless he tells the judge he's willing to do all the traveling plus pay support. The courts will see that he willfully moved away, no matter what the reason. And it won't make him look good.

I would never, ever, uproot my children and my life to move in with a man who didn't have a well established home and a decent job.
Sorry but "love" doesn't pay the bills, and this so called "free" home? What do you do if that falls apart? Since you aren't married you have no legal rights, you could be kicked to the curb at a moment's notice.
Go back to supporting yourself and your kids the way you did before you met him. Give him a chance to grow up and become a man before making any kind of long term commitment.

So he fought so hard for his kids that he lost his job and now he is going to move hours away from them. Honestly, he does have a choice.

He needs to find another job near his kids even if he is not making as much money.

I think you are panicking. Stop and think rationally about this. You can go to a new city/town, but there are still going to be bills to pay. Initial upfront costs for moving are going to be high. So, moving doesn't necessarily fix your situation. On top of it all, you will be uprooting your kids, causing instability, and he will be missing his own kids.
Downsize what you can, stay put, and see this thing through. If he decides to go, then you may just have to let him. Your priority at the end of the day is your kids. He should really be focusing on getting some kind of employment... anything at this point is better than nothing. Good luck and I hope things improve quickly!

I would not buy a home. I'd rent an apartment that you can afford on your income. I would not move out of state, no matter that the house is free. He will never get his kids if he moves out of state.

I agree that you shouldn't marry him. But offer for him to stay with you while he figures this out. When he gets another job, then figure out if you can live together. I think it will be easier on all the kids, yours and his.

Good luck. This has to be hard.

I think you need to separate from him until he resolves his custody issues.

He should stay in the same location as his children. Rent an apartment, room, etc. whatever HE can afford to stay close to HIS children.

He can get whatever job he can.McDonalds, Home Depot, and live off that income. If his employer is so understanding can he work pt? From home?

Let him find a job that allows him to pay for HIS cost of living.

He will not be able to fight custody while he is out of state if it is going this badly WHILE HE IS IN STATE.

My friend is dating a man who has children living with there mother in another state 4 hours away. All he complains about is how badly the mother takes care of the his kids. But when you question his responsibility to his kids he will say he can't do anything because he has to stay here in Illinois BC of his job. He also left his children behind :-(.

I think that is BS. His kids don't see the paycheck. They just see that dad is not around and just gives excuses why he can't change the situation. He does not see them in their day to day life and there is no connection. They feel helpless and stuck in the middle. They are not first in his life.

Let your BF put his kids first.

Sorry, I know you don't want to hear this.

You need to separate all of the issues and address each one on it's own. You live in NY - there are jobs available - not sure what kind of work your SO did - but if he's willing to travel a little more each day he can find another similar job I would think. Sure it's not going to be as much money right away - but there are plenty of jobs to be found if he's diligent. I realize taht New City isn't really close to NYC - but it's not that far either. Mass transit is a way to get into the city that's not exhausting. I used to sleep on the train, read a book, etc.

While I understand the ex-wife is a problem i wonder if there isn't something else that was going on with his boss. Most jobs provide sick days, vacation days, personal days, etc. and he couldn't have had that many court days that he used all of his vacation, sick, personal time every year. But - even if the boss was unrealistic - there is a way to make a living doing multiptle odds jobs for a temporary period. Drive a limo, town car, bus tables as a restaurant, work with a contractor as a laborer. It's almost Summer, put an ad in the local weekly paper to do yard work, housepainting, handyman work, clean out attics & basements, etc. Seniors often don't often use the internet and Craiglist - but they do look through the local paper. You don't have to move in order to pay the bills for the short term.

That's my second point - you're talking about making a permanent move and/or decision to address a temporary problem. Most people lose a job or two over their life and they don't neccessarily pick up and move. Between my husband and I there've been 3 job losses in the last 17 years. We still live in the same town. My husband drove a limo for about 2 months while he looked for a new job, I spent my days networking with former coworkers and friends and found out about other jobs that way.

So - take a deep breath - get out a piece of paper and pen and begin to list the issues by which are temporary, which are permanent. the list underneath what options exist - for example under job / income loss the possible solutions are: temporary part time jobs, ad in the paper, lawn mowing, etc. (you could baby sit too - they pay about $8 - $10 an hour here on Long Island).

It can all seem overwhelming at first - like a giant mountain. But when ou take it apart and "unpack" it you realize that in small bites it's all something you can deal with.

You don't say how old your kids are - but if they're middle school age or older moving is not a good idea. They just have too tough a time adjusting after 12-ish.

Good luck mama. You can all survie this.

If I were him I would not move away from my kids. I have seen that done and it hasn't worked out well for the people I've known. It could play right into his ex's hands. She could portray him as having abandoned the kids. And they may very well believe her. Not to mention, it is tough and expensive to fight custody issues from another state.

I think I would support him emotionally but more at arms length - even though it sounds like you care for him a great deal. He really has a lot of unfinished business. He needs to get on his feet. He needs to come to some sort of stabilized situation with his ex. All of this should happen before you guys even consider a future together. Your kids need a focused, stable mom who isn't expending a lot of energy on a situation that she has no control over (the enmity between him and the ex).

It's tough to be a blended family in the best of circumstances. I think I'd step back from this for a minute and think, first and foremost, what is best for my own kids and then myself. Even if you want to support him with all your heart, are you really in a position to do it? It's not just you who will have to deal with the fall-out.

Good luck - hoping for clarity for you!

If I were him and worried about the treatment of my kids, I'd live in a homeless shelter before I left them. His children are obviously the top priority in his life.
You do what's best for Your kids. You cannot go wrong with that. There may be a time in your life that things will change for the better. By then you will have a clearer picture of your world.

In a short answer, you can't. He is wrestling some pretty big demons and a job loss, possible move, bills, child support and the most important-straining a parent-child relationship even more. If I were you, I would step back and offer my love and full support, then give him some space. It's so wonderful to find your soulmate that you love with all your heart. Give him money if you think it will help him and you can afford it. I, however, could not uproot my own life, my children's lives and go tearing down the road with a man I wasn't married to. It sounds to me like you both need some healing and time if you want to have a happy ending with each other. Commit and do a long distance thing. I don't agree with moving your kids to chase an unstable man, no matter how big his heart or how much I loved him. Time and wait...that's my final answer.

I have a hard time understanding why you think marriage is just a piece of paper when about half of the problems you've listed would be addressed differently if you were married. When you say your custody is done with, it sounds like you have lost custody of your own kids. Is that what you meant? If so, why have you lost custody of your own children? How in the world is he going to "fight for" his kids when he chooses to move states away and is living, Unmarried, with a woman who has lost custody to her own children, he has no job, and is in and out of the court system?

Why would you follow this man? You say you're okay with not being married, but why? Actually, you should be glad you aren't married to him - I've been with my husband 27 years and the only time he's been to court is to represent clients who have screwed up their lives. You're choosing someone like that. Why?

To answer your question, no, you should NOT follow this man. He invited you to leave, he has no job because he lost it trying to address his legal problems, and if you still have your kids, you want to uproot them for him? And he has no legal obligation to you or them? No. You're making bad decisions. The kids come first.

Actually, you would get different answers if you were married because you would have rights. Rights you don't have right now. If he is your main source of support, that is a mistake. Especially since you aren't married. He is not responsible for you and your kids. You are. You aren't married to him. Living together does not give you the same rights and privileges as marriage does. No matter how you want to cut it, that is the truth.

So he lost his job and now you both are freaking out. Well, that makes sense. I would be as well. He is depressed and upset. You can't fix that. He has to fix it himself.

My take? Get a job, any job. Help relieve the financial crisis. He needs to get a job, any job. During this he can continue to look for his "career job". Money needs to be coming in. Is he getting unemployment? Does your ex-husband pay child support? He should be.

If he has to move, he should go alone for now. He needs to establish himself. He gets to get employment, make sure the house is livable and that the conditions of "free rent" are just that.

When my husband started a new job, I stayed home and sold the house and did what needed to be done here and he did what needed to be done there.

To me, this is a disaster waiting to happen.

If you have custody of your children, you probably will not be allowed to move them out of state without going to court.

Personally, I see no reason to move. He needs to apply for unemployment and find a job. If his new job pays a lot lower then his old job sometimes employement will continue to pay, at least partial payment, to help make up the difference.
Also I would not move into a home owned by his family unless you are married. If you break-up, you would have no rights. If you are not married and the house belongs to his family depending upon the laws of that state you may not even be able to get your personal belongings.

He needs to start job hunting where you are now. I hope you have a job and can handle the basics, rent, utilities, food, insurance, if not find a second job or a better job. I learned the hard way. If unmarried never completely trust your partner. Always be able to support yourself and your children without him.

There is no way I would support moving 8 hours away from his children. That may be the easiest thing at the moment but it pretty much guarantees that he won't see his children and won't be winning any favor with the court. He might be at the point where he is ready to give up the custody/visitation fight. Is that what is best or just easiest?

I don't believe that there is no way for you to stay in your home town or at the very least stay a bit closer. You get another job, he gets a job, apply for assistance, live separately, find a small apartment. Do what you need to do to stay close to the kids.

Sounds like you are a real family and I'm not hung up on marriage issue.

Basically you're saying that the only way you can live ANYWHERE is to move to that house 8 hours from his kids. Right? You can't stay where you are (are you SURE, have you negotiated your heart out to be able to rent for 6 more months or something?) and have no money to move anywhere else.
With the difficulty he already has being in their lives, this would pretty much sever his ties in a very serious way. Right? Or it would be an easy decision.

You have no problem moving, because you HAVE your kids. He's the one who would be having the problem, correct?

Somehow I'm not content with the idea that a grown man HAS to leave his kids behind in order to go live somewhere for free if he REALLY wants to be in their lives.

If you are a TRUE COMMITTED COUPLE then even if you have to separate temporarily, that will not threaten your relationship. A married couple would do the same if necessary, sometimes spouses are sent "away" to work etc. Just throwing that out there to broaden options. You don't HAVE to be under the same roof every day to remain a family.

So it depends COMPLETELY on how involved with his kids he wants to be. Is he OK with becoming a distant dad they rarely see and moving forward with only you and your kids? Then you all should move away. He will lose his parenting role though to his ex's mercy. The factors in this decision are nothing we can know. How close is he REALLY to his kids? Is the situation with their mom SO TRAUMATIC that it's best for the kids if he stays away, or are finances the ONLY REASON he would dream of this?

If he is a serious dad to them and can't lose his role with them, he needs to find a way to stay near them. Rent a cheap place, stay with a friend until he finds work. Maybe you and the kids move to the free house and wait for him to get a job. My ex stays with local friends right now because we can't afford an apartment for him, and he travels most of the time. But on his time off, he wants to be near his kids. He has a girlfriend in CA but refuses to "move away" with her because he loves his kids above all else.

If your boyfriend HAS TO MOVE, then he has to move. You all move forward from there. He'll have to do the best he can with visiting his kids etc.

Best wishes with your hard decision.

what a dilemma!
first off, he sounds depressed, so some sort of counseling is always a good thing to consider.
are there job prospects near the family home? if so, it's worth taking advantage of the family generosity to allow you guys to take a deep breath and get back on your feet. but if there's nothing viable there, it's just a place to sink below the surface and drown.
how long has he been out of work? what are his job prospects in your area? is his depression preventing him from looking for work as assiduously as he ought to be?
i don't think your marital status is the issue, but his state of mind may well be. i think you should continue to make it clear to him that you're there for the long haul whichever way it goes, that you should be very brisk and pro-active about his job search (not mama-fussing over him but keeping it in the forefront of his mind- finding work IS his job right now, not mooning about leaving his kids. if he finds work he won't have to) and if necessary helping him handle his depression.
good luck, hon!
khairete
S.

I would only go to the new house that's 8 hours away if you both have jobs- you still need to eat and pay utilities. He should really just try to find another job, maybe he can collect unemployment until he can find something. Being 8 hours away from his kids will only make things extremely difficult, and I'm sure there will be several LONG trips back and forth to see them.

In this situation, I would have to ask myself how truly happy I really was with all of this going on. I think it would make life a lot harder than it needs to be...