This is going to be long, so I apologize in advance.
My husband and I have been suffering from some issues, trust(due to past indiscretions, financial, his custody of his boys, and his family).
The issues being what they are has us completely stressed out and basically biting each others heads off. He was laid off from his job back in January. He was a coal miner, so no chance of a call back. We've been surviving in unemployment, and its not enough. He has no formal education or training, so finding a substantial job at the point is proving to be difficult. He has 3 boys to his ex wife who is an absolute nightmare. She receives her child support faithful, no matter what. But still even despite a court order and the judge telling her she has to, she refuses to allow him to see his boys. She plays the nice game when we go to court, and will follow an order for a few weeks, then nothing. This is really taking a toll on him, he is a great dad and he loves his boys so much. Financially we are barely surviving. I can not work at this time due to Medical reasons.
So we have been fighting...a lot. Its not good. He isn't a talker, and likes to hold everything in, until it all comes out at once, usually directed at me. But he doesn't see a problem with this. Now, onto his family, well not so much his entire family, his mother. She is a meddler to say the least. He calls her for everything (which has created more issues because he can't make a decision without her). He turns to her, when I think he should be turning to me. And she makes it worse. She excuses every little thing he does, and blames me for everything. I know I'm not perfect, but it isn't all me either! So now for the biggest issue at hand that has my mind perplexed. She is bribing him. She lives in another state. She has told him that if he leaves me for 5-7 days to "clear his head" she will pay him $250, drive to come get him(we only have one car), and bring him home when he's ready. And without even talking to me, he is leaving. He told me, didn't discuss it with me. He will be leaving me with very little money(if any) because all of our bills are due. There won't be much food in the house for my kiddos, and he doesn't see an issue with this at all. When I brought all that up to him, he said that has nothing to do with it, you're mad I'm going to be with my mother. Well yes, I do believe she's negative, but that has nothing to do with the fact that I will still be left with next to nothing, while his mom is paying his way. She has gone as far as to encourage him to cheat. Or find someone "without kids".
I also have a very important test coming up, and will need childcare help, and someone to drive me back and forth, and he won't be here to do that.
I told him if he goes and leaves me in this very bad situation he may as well not come back. Yes, I was very upset when I said it. He said he's going and I need to get off of it.
So my question, what would you do?
Yes, we are legally married now. Yes, I have applied for disability. On my doctors advice. My Dr has told me I am unable to work, and he does not recommend it at all. He even told my husband that he needed to do more around the house. Yes, the test is a medical tests. The hospital has rules that since I will be sedated, I HAVE to have someone over age 18 to accompany me. I can not be left alone for the remainder of the day or I can not have the tests done. This person actually has to "sign me out" for my release. Yes, I do receive child support. No, my ex is not in the picture and hasn't been for about 7 years now.
Sounds like this relationship is over.
Talk to a womens shelter and see what social services can do for you.
He's abandoning you and the kids - don't take him back.
You can't count on him or trust him.
Why would you want him back?
I looked back at your previous questions. If I'm correct, you have five children from another relationship (not with this guy who's going back to his mom's house), and you have some significant health issues.
And this guy has three children, pays child support faithfully but doesn't get to see his kids, and relies on his mother for advice, comfort, and decision-making.
He doesn't work, knows he won't be going back to his original job, and it's been nearly six months, but he hasn't gone back to a training center, or taken advantage of other job opportunities or training, and now he's leaving the 8 kids he's committed to (biologically and by virtue of the fact that he's raising them with you), to go visit his mom and stay there.
Does that sum it up pretty well?
I think you need to evaluate everything. Sit down with a pen and paper. Start with finances: whose name is everything in, what did you bring to this relationship (money, car, house?), who owns the car, whose names are on bank accounts, whose names are the electric bill and rent and credit cards in? Write it all out.
Do you get child support? If not, why not?
Have your doctors told you that your medical conditions prevent you from working, or do they say that you just need to manage your health and things will be ok and you can live a fairly normal life? Have you applied for disability, and all the other available sources of help, as others have suggested?
Basically, your husband is not making mature decisions. He should be getting training for a job or taking any job at all, he should be in court insisting on his visitation rights, he should be taking care of his family, and he should be calling his mom every so often just to say hi, and telling her "mom, thanks for the advice but I'm a grown man with kids and so I appreciate you but I'm not your little boy anymore".
You've got a lot of decisions to make. Stand up and protect your children and yourself. Don't just cut your husband out of your life, but make it clear that you and all the kids should be his priority, not his mother, and that things must change. If he won't change, you've got to.
If you aren't receiving public assistance, apply for that. You may not be eligible for cash assistance but would be for food stamps. Having your husband leave can work to your advantage because you may be eligible for more government assistance without him living with you.
Get food from Community Food Banks. Clothing from clothing closets. Depending on your health condition you may qualify for state help for babysitters. You can get more state assistance if you're going to school. Make an appointment to see what you're eligible to receive.
You may be able to get Social Security Disability. It will take several months for that to come through.
Are all of the children yours together? Do you get child support? If not, look into how to make that happen. Talking with a probing attorney would be helpful.
I don't understand why one if not both of you can't work. Large numbers of jobs require no prior training or experience. Why isn't your husband getting training? There are community colleges, low in cost and have financial aid. There are on line programs.
Based only on what I read here, I would not take him back or if I did it would be with an agreement to find work and be working. I would stop expecting anything else from him. In the meantime, I'd get my life in order so that I could be independent. I suggest a large part of your stress is caused by feeling insecure. It will take time and effort to put yourself in a more secure position.
Start by making an appointment with your state family services. Ask a women's shelter for help. They provide counseling even tho you don't live in the shelter. I would definitely stop expecting your husband to provide emotional support. He's not going to change. You can change.
Look, your husband hasn't cut his apron strings. Let him go.
You need to figure out your medical condition and find a job and start bringing money in the door. I'm sorry you have medical problems - but you need to step up here and provide for your family. Contact a friend to see if they can take you to this important test. If not? Find public transportation or absolute worst case? Uber it.
Is this test a medical test? If so - call your insurance company and tell them that you need help getting there and home. They may have a shuttle service (I've seen many around here).
While your husband is away? Change the locks on the doors. Find a lawyer. File for divorce and figure it out. As bad as it sounds? Send the kids to live with their biological mom.
You can't control his ex-wife. You can't control your husband. You can't control your mother-in-law. You can control YOUR behavior.
How is your husband going to collect unemployment while in another state?
Does he care that he's leaving HIS BOYS in a bad spot? Obviously not. You haven't legally adopted them. Send them to their biological mom's - let her support them.
I'm sorry you are in this situation.
Did you ever marry him?
Per your what happened: not very helpful. I had a colonoscopy and my husband had to sign me out, stay with me. I also had a full ACL reconstruction, same thing, so saying you have tests that require your husband to hang around really doesn't mean much other than drama.
Disabilities are subjective and in the end, if you aren't earning SSI disability, you aren't actually disabled. I have three different disabilities, two that are recognized by SSI, yet here I am working. Actually I earn pretty well but yes, there are a fair few jobs I cannot do, doesn't make me disabled.
So what would I do, I would support myself. I am the only person who can't let me down, if I let myself down I have no one to blame. So far, doing pretty good. Wouldn't wan to go back to dependency
First things first, you can't control other people. So as upsetting and frustrating as his and his mother's/ex wife's behavior is there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. YOU are in charge of your own destiny. YOU are responsible for your own children.
Where is your kids' father in all this? Could your kids spend some time with him while you try to figure things out?
If it were me I would turn to my own family and friends for support. I know if worse came to worse I could always stay with my BFF, sister or cousin until I got myself up and running. You need to turn to your people, whoever that is.
As far as working, I'm not sure what your health issues are, but my mom is 66 and works as a cashier at Sprouts. She has bad arthritis so she's allowed to use a stool during her shift. It's hard but she doesn't really have a choice, she has to eat and pay bills and she didn't save for retirement. It sounds like you need a plan too, at some point you're going to need an income. Can you do childcare, pet or house sitting in your neighborhood? That would at least give you some immediate cash.
If you can sit at your computer and type this question, you can work. Find a job where you sit and type all day. Bring kids into your home and babysit them. There are things you can do to work. He needs to get a job too. Unemployment isn't meant for people to survive on. It's meant to tide you over for a short period of time till you get another job. Lack of money sounds like your biggest problem. Get some income coming in and a huge portion of your stress will be gone.
Let him go to his mother's and use this time to think about what you really want. He needs to figure out what he really wants too. He sounds lost. Tackle your problems one at a time. Start with the financial problems and both of you find ways to earn income. If my kids needed food, I'd do whatever it took to get a job and provide for them. Maybe part of his problem is he feels like less of a man because he's not providing for his family?
It seems to me that your marriage has become a game of Poor Me. You seem to be competing against each other for who's got it worse.
Him: I give and I give and I give but nothing I do seems to inspire her to give back.
You: I give and I give and I give but nothing I do seems to inspire him to give back.
There is no winner in this game. The My Problems Are Bigger Than Your Problems relationship is doomed.
So, you want a successful marriage....or you want to be the more pathetic victim?
:(
What would I do? I would let him go to his mother's. Stop giving him grief over it and tell him you think it's a good idea for you both to get some space and think. I actually do think it's a good idea. You admit that you are making each other miserable and biting each other's heads off. Let him go. While he is gone, decide if you want to make this work or not. It's not an easy decision but you need to be honest, look deep inside and decide if your marriage can be salvaged. If the answer is yes, you need to establish some guidelines for moving forward. If he is not willing to work with you, then he is not willing to make this work. You need family/marriage counseling. Find a group that will either accept insurance (if you have any) or offer free counseling. Sign up for food stamps, WIC, whatever you are eligible for and try to get some help there. There are public programs to retrain people - your husband needs to pick a field and start training. He has a bunch of kids he needs to support so he needs to get moving. You also need to get retrained for a job that you can do with whatever medical problems you are having. If you truly can't do any work, then you are disabled and need to apply for disability. Get your doctors on board and get all of your paperwork in order. If you do not want to continue in your marriage, you need to call Legal Aid or similar and find a pro bono divorce attorney, get counseling for yourself, job training/disability, apply for benefits, etc. Also, when he leaves, you can file for divorce using abandonment as grounds. Bottom line, do some soul searching, answer some tough questions, come up with a plan and get moving. I don't mean to sound harsh but it sounds like right now you and your husband aren't accomplishing anything and that can't continue. There are children that need to be raised in a functioning household.
What should you do? You should find a way for you to work ...you can't depend on anyone else. Where is the father of your children? Is he not providing support?
Your "husband" needs to go. You change the locks as soon as he leaves.
Children should be the priority and they need a stable home.
Put your focus on the children.
It sounds like this is quite a mess. I understand your location and maybe job limitations but you're telling me there is neither of you can work?
If my child needed food and shelter, I would find a way to work and expect my hubby to work as well.
I just read back a bit so I could better understand.
You mentioned in an earlier post you have Crohn's disease. I have a relative with that. Work was very hard and jobs were fleeting for a while. He now has a job that is easier hours and far less stress and that is not physical. Stress is a key factor in his. So I can't imagine what your situation is doing to your body. I feel for you.
I've had tests where someone has to watch you the rest of the day and sign you out. So I get how he has left you in the lurch.
I would let all the ex and mom stuff go.
I read the earlier post saying he wasn't really interested in marriage (2 years back). Unfortunately that seems to be the case here.
I think you look after yourself. And your kids. I think I would just assume that it's you from now on, and just do one step after another to get yourself safe and secure. Great advice below.
If you married him thinking your kids would benefit from having a dad figure, think about it - you didn't write one decent thing about him in your post. I know you're angry, but that says a lot.
Best to you - I hope you get the support you need
The ex wife and his mother are irrelevant. Your husband is a grown man and you are a grown woman. He's either committed to you or he's not. Even the poorest people I know (here in California that would be the illegal immigrants white people love to complain about while they themselves make excuses for not working) take care of their own. They work shitty jobs no one else wants to do, and they support not only their own kids but usually parents as well, whether they have health problems or not, they show up and get it done.
It's time to stop relying on this, sorry, loser husband. It's time to start standing on your own two feet. If he wants to go home and live with mommy why would you even want him anyway? Have some pride, take care of yourself and your children. Go home to your family if that helps, swallow your pride, it's okay to admit you made a mistake and need a do over. Your kids deserve that.
If you don't have biological kids with him, if might be time to move on. This relationship sounds too problematic.
Updated
If you don't have biological kids with him, if might be time to move on. This relationship sounds too problematic.
send him to his mothers, take the bus to the test, (bring coloring books and crayons for your kids if you have to bring them with.) local churches and food pantries will also be able to help you out. if theres a highschool nearby you could talk to them about fining a babysitter that would be able to come over and watch the kids.
i would just get out of the relationship and move on. he seems to need mommy to hold his hand and you need a real man thats learned how to let go of mommy and decide for himself.
