My son is 14 years old. His first serious relationship was ended by the girl last Thursday. She did not reject him; she just explained that she didn't intend to get into any relationship, but sort of 'fell' into the relationship with him because they had become so close. He is truly heartbroken, and his feelings cannot and should not be diminished because he is 'only 14'. He feels his heartache as deeply as an older person would. It has been 6 days as of today since the breakup. He was unable to go to school Thursday and Friday. He went yesterday, but was unable to control his emotions while there. School personnel saw him crying and shaking uncontrollably, and sent him home. He was unable to attend school today. He stays in his room, barely eats, doesn't use the computer or talk on the phone except when she calls. He won't talk to anyone about it except for me and her, and I have to cajole him to get him to talk to me. He won't talk to his friends or his dad about it. I have said and done all I can think of to help him through. I know he can't just push a button and turn off his feelings, but I thought I'd see some slight improvement by now. Today, I am bringing him to his pediatrician to talk with him, and make a recommendation as to possibly seeing a counselor. He did not go to church Sunday, and doesn't want to talk to the Youth counselor. He is caught in a cycle of sorrow, and cannot seem to muster up the strength or motivation to help himself. Rather, he seems to almost want to stew in misery. I think he is clinically depressed because of this situation, and of course I know that teenagers commit suicide over this type of thing. I've come right out and talked to him about suicide, and all the reasons that it is NOT the answer. Nevertheless, when a person is as emotionally distraught as he is now, I can't know that he is truly able to comprehend and internalize anything I say to him. He doesn't respond except to stare like a zombie. When I ask him a direct question, I get minimal response, only after pulling something out of him. I've been praying and I'd ask you other moms to pray for him as well. I also would like to hear from moms who have gone through something similar with their child, and how it was resolved. I will try to get back and let you all know how the doctor visit goes. Thank you very much.
Yes, please take him to the doctor, he might have allready been going thru some issues when this break up happened. Something is going on and it needs to be dealt with.
Good luck to you.
Hey M. B,
We went thru almost the same thing with our seventeen yr old and we are still ging thru it. Frist loves are hard to overcome. It's hard enough to be a teen and even harder with a broken heart. Taking him to a counselor is a great step. He may be able to talk to him/her more than his parents and don't take that personal, sometimes they need a different perspectives from different people. We had to cut the ties with the girl all together for a short period. For our son, it was like rubbing salt into a wound everytime she would call. His depression continued to get worse. He was confused as to why she would call if she didn't want to be in a relationship with him. He needed time to greve over the loss. Thast was about 6 months ago. It does get better. Just pray, pray, pray and love him. Reinforce that you know it hurts however school is important and he still has to face his day to day responsibilities. I'll be praying for him.
For my son, things have changed dramitically. He and his girlfriend have gotten back together and he now wants to rush into marriage. He is 17 and has proposed to her, she is 16, both are still in high school. All I can say is it is going to be as long engagement. He is still going to counseling and I am still praying. I hope this helps.
Bless his heart. I will and AM joining you in prayer about this. I went through a break-up at 14 yrs. too and was totally devastated, spent a lot of time depressed, etc. Well, lo and behold, what did I do? I married the guy! haha. Sometimes we don't understand why things happen the way that they do. But I do believe what you mean when you say he can love at that age just like adults. The problem is at this age you just don't have the maturity to deal with the heartache very well. Keep encouraging him, giving him LOTS OF LOVE, prayers, prayers and more prayers.
Here is an exceprt from Stormie Otarman's book, The Power of a Praying Parent.
Our children are a gift from God and He cares for them even more than we do. (1 Peter 5:7) says to cast “all your care upon Him”. Release your children into God’s hands. When we release them to God they are in GOOD hands. What greater comfort is there? If we’re not positive that God is in control of our children’s lives, we’ll be ruled by fear. And the only way to be sure that God IS in control is to surrender our hold and allow Him full access to their lives. The way to do that is to live according to His Word and His ways and pray to Him about everything. We can trust God to take care of our children even better than we can. When we release our children into the Father’s hands and acknowledge that He is in control of their lives and ours, both we and our children will have better peace.
We can’t be everywhere, but God can. We can’t see everything, but God can. We can’t know everything, but God can. No matter what age our children are, releasing them into God’s hands is a sign of our faith and trust in Him and is the first step toward making a difference in their lives. Prayer for our children begins there. GOD’S WORD IS YOUR WEAPON! The battle for our children’s lives is waged on our knees. When we pray, we’re in the battle alongside them, appropriating God’s power on their behalf. If we also declare the Word of God in our prayers, then we wield a powerful weapon against which no enemy can prevail. God’s Word is “living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword” (Hebrews 4:12) and it pierces everything it touches.
Often our most urgent prayers regarding our children are for protection. How can we pray about future events when we’re concerned about them even having a future? Psalm 17:8-9 says, “Hide them under the shadow of Your wings, from the wicked who oppress them, from their deadly enemies who surround them.” And Psalm 112:7 says, “For He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways. In their hands they shall bear you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone.” God answers prayer and his promises are true. The Bible also says this about the righteous person who fears God – “He will not be afraid of evil tidings; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.” (Psalm 112:7).
Fear is something that comes upon us the moment we don’t believe that God is able to keep us, or all we care about, safe. FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real. There are times however, when fear is more than a passing emotion. It can grip your heart so strongly and so unreasonably that no actions or words can take it away. When that happens, you are being harassed by a spirit of fear. The Bible clearly tells us a spirit of fear does not come from God. It comes from the enemy of our soul. Parents have the authority and power through Jesus Christ to resist that spirit of fear on their child’s behalf. Fear doesn’t have power over US. WE have power over IT. Jesus gave us authority over all the power of the enemy (Luke 10:19). If fear persists after you have prayed, ask two or more strong believers to pray with you. Where two or three are gathered together in the name of the Lord, He is there in the midst of them (Matthew 18:20).
I'm sorry yall are going though this but I think he is really too young to be with a girlfriend. Yes I remember my teenager years and I don't rever remember being this into someone.
My only suggestion would be for his older brother to take him out and talk to him. Has he always been this emotional about things?
After things settle down I would have a serious talk with him about future relationships. And let him know that it may not be a good thing for him to be in a relationship until he is older 16 or 17 or maybe older. I really believe you should discourage any child this young to have to a girlfriend but instead have close friends which you go out with. I know it hard in today's world but this is what I would do and am going to do with my son and daughters.
Get him involved with church activties.
Hope this helps.
L.
I am so sorry for the stress this is causing him , and you. I'm sure you are having a lot of fear right now where his emotions are concerned. I wish I could offer some great advice. We will be praying for him and for you. I hope he finds something to latch onto to pull him through this. Best of luck... do keep us posted.
N.
I completely agree with Alicia.... When I read this yesterday my first thought was that they may have had sex. Teens bodies may be ready for it.. but their MINDS are not. Breaking up is hard, but add sex into it... especially when it really meant something (first time/first love)... whoa.... watch him closely but do not harp. Get him help, fast.
I think you are doing such a fantastic job with this situation. I can remember my first heartbreak and my parents made light of it... because I was only 14 and in their minds it couldn't be real. I've always told myself that I would NEVER diminish my children's feelings when it came to this matter! It is real... and it hurts REAL bad!
Also, someone else said that it might help if his older brother talked to him... I think that is a GREAT idea. He will probably be the most open with him (about whether or not they had sex and all of that..) Also.. one more thing.. is she seeing someone else? Because if she is.. or even if it is just rumored that she is, that HURTS LIKE HELL!
I'm praying for him... and you!
as someone who has suffered from depresion, I know someitmes it is just hard... there are times when all I have wanted to do is hide in my bed... I have learned that it is one day at a time... I have had to make myself stay on some sort of routine just to get by...not always the healthiest thing, but I have found myself "pretending" to be happy... hiding behind a smile. writting for me has always been an outlet... I wrote poems to let out those feelings I was having. as I have grown older I find talking with others and helping them work out their hurts has helped take my mind off of my problems. was never really hurt that young, so I don't know if any of this will help, but do seek help. and some advice my dad gave me a few years ago when I overdosed on antihistamine... NO ONE IS WORTH THE REST OF YOUR LIFE... I know how bleek things can get, but things can get better... you are in my prayers...
hi, i didn't read the other responses, so i hope i'm not repeating too much advice =)
i have been depressed on and off since i was a kid. it is a chemical inbalance for me and i need medication to stay "normal", but even so i have my down days.
i think your son REALLY needs to talk to a psychiatrist, not just a counselor. i remember my mom trying to get me to talk to the pastor at their church and i didn't want to b/c i was afraid that he would tell my parents the things i told him that were very private. he might feel more comfortable with a dr. who he knows will not tell you his most personal feelings. but i do think he needs to see someone right away b/c he exhibits all the signs of being very depressed.
also, is it possible he was sexually active with this girl? that could make the break-up all the more painful, especially if she was his first sexual experience. and that could be why he doesn't want to talk to his family or the youth counselor at church, b/c he's ashamed and feeling guilty
Im sorry to have to go through such a tough breakup so young. It sounds as if you are taking the right precautions and steps to have him evaluated, the inablity to control his emotions. Best wishes and our thoughts are with your family.
K.
I was often wondering what i can do, when something like this is going to happen to my daughter. As of right now i can't give you advice.The only thing that makes sence is, once he is over it, make shure to let him know, not to be scared to fall in love again. Some men putt a wall around them because they have been hurt before, and the partners there are with later on have to pay for it.
A.
Ok, you said it has been 6 days? That is not even a whole week. And this is his first expirience with this. It is going to be hard for him and he'll get over it. Don't you remember what a broken heart felt like? At least he is talking to you at all. I think you are doing the right thing by taking him to see someone, my only advise is to be with him as much as possible even if nothing is being said, he will get over it sooner or later and he will always remember that you were there with him. Good luck I will keep him in my prayers
well sorry to hear that,i my self have a 13-yr old daughter,but i personally think being a teen-ager now in days is hard.but i also think falling in love or to think your in love at the age of 14 is just to young,hopefully he'll get over his pain and move on.I personally do not allow my daughter to date or have a boy-friend at such a young age,things like this happening to her could be to much for her or any young teenager to handle,my advise is keep talking to him,get him out of the room,pretty much keep his mind occupied with other things,and hopefully slowly but shurely hell come around.Has your oldest son tried talking to him,maybe he can help with the whole dating scene.Well i really hope he gets through it all.GOOD LUCK.
I definitely agree that the situation does not need to be dismissed since he is "only 14". I think you are taking the right steps by getting him to see a counselor. Not knowing the full issues of his relationship and how long they were a couple, remember that this could be the start of several of these episodes. Please keep me informed of his progress. I have a daughter that is 12 so I know my time is coming. Best of luck to you and you will definitely be in my prayers!
Have you asked his brother to help? Do they get along well enough for him to really try to help him through this? Also, you could try telling him a similar story from your past, it could help him relate better and to see how well things have turned out for you in the long run.
Please seek therapy for you son. He is truly hurt, and he is taking it alot harder than I have seen. I can only assume the relationship was really serious to him. Unfortunately, I think you are right.
A side note, now is probably not the time, but, has his big brother spoken to him about dating? I know your husband has probably already explained that relationships are not supposed to be serious or even long term at that age, but coming from a sibling sometimes helps more.
