Need Advice on How to Deal with My 3 1/2 Year Old Daughter Not Listening.

I would recommend reading the book 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan. The Tulsa libraries have several copies and even a video you can watch. It backs up what a lot of moms have suggested and gives you lots of examples of specific situations and how to handle them. It's worth reading.

I can relate 100%! My daughter (3 in July) does the same thing. It's a control issue. This age is so confusing because the child knows what they want to do, but can't always do it and doesn't understand why. I have started getting down on my daughters level and looking her in the eyes. We talk about why she doesn't want to do whatever it is that I've asked of her and then I explain why she needs to do it. Most of the time this works well. When it doesn't, she gets a punishment (I really hate to do it) and then will usually go and do whatever she had been asked to.

The best bit of advice I could give you is to tell your daughter once, warn her ONCE of what the consequences will be if she doesn't listen (i.e. loosing privileges), and then follow through. Giving her multiple warnings has the effect of taking away your authority. Once you start punishing the first time around, she should figure out that you mean business. AND, make sure to reward her, even if only with a TON of praise, when she does something right away.

Try not to compare your six year old and your three year old. Those three years make a HUGE difference in learning and understanding. Your daughter is still a toddler and is going to push to see what she can get away with. If she's feeling slightly displaced she may also be doing it for the extra attention. Just be patient, keep up the good work, and she'll come around eventually.

Mandy, my advice after raising 5. What's with "threatening". Tell her flat out " Do "so and so" or I'm going to turn the TV off" and immediately follow thru is she ignores you. Children that young have a very short attention span and you have to be in the moment with them. Don't let her set the tone for the discipline. Be consistent. "Pick up toys or I take them for a day, week, whatever" and do what you say. "Put your pjs on or you can't watch Dora tomorrow," and write it down so you can read it to her tomorrow and remind her of her decision to disobey and no Dora all day. Forget the good choice, bad choice. She is too young to process all that. She will understand that she did not do what you told her and she will soon remember that you keep your word on the punishment end of the deal too. When she learns, and it may take a few days, or maybe a week, but she will learn that you are true to your word and in the long run she will know that no matter what comes in life, she can depend on mom because she keeps her word about everything. This might cause a little tantrum on her part to start, but you can say "stop or you will loose....?" whatever is really an attention getter to her. This way you stay calm and she sees that she is not pulling your chain and running the show. Stay strong, you can do this. Good luck.

Mandy, I have two children ages 26 and 24 and their personalities are like day and night. The 26 y/o son has never had to be told but once to do anything. He was always so obedient and a "people pleaser". The 24 y/o daughter is my rebel. Never did listen and still doesn't. But if I had it to do over again, I would NOT have fallen into the trap of telling her 5X to do anything. Once and then would come the discipline. You are conditioning your little one by telling her 5X to do something. She knows that when you tell her something, she will "get" multiple other chances. Therefore, she postpones making the correct choice the first time. Tell her once; don't count; and don't repeat the request again. She will learn it. I could have done this with my daughter, BUT she had and has her dad "wrapped around her little finger" and he has always let her "rule the roost". Trust me.......get a handle on it now. And I pray that your husband will be supportive to you in your effort to be consistent. GOOD LUCK!!!

Stop threatening.

Sit down at a relatively "good behavior" time and lay down the "law". She is to listen to you and do as you say. Then let her know what the consequences will be (no TV, going to her room, going to bed early, taking away a certain toy/toys).

Expect her to not follow these "rules", and then just do what you said. No warning, no threats, not yelling, no nagging. Just do it.

It may take a couple of weeks for her to realize it's here to stay, but she'll catch on. She's calling your bluff right now.

I have had the best results with being consistant. I do choose my battles and stick with them. I never give out warnings. I get her attention and make my request. If she doesn't do what is asked I respond with time out or turn off the tv until she does it! This my sound harsh but it works for me!

I have the EXACT same thing going on right now--except I don't have a 7 year old. I have a 3 1/2 yr old daughter and 15 mos old son. She's a bit jealous sometimes of the things brother gets away with, but we make sure to give her lots of love. I think jealousy is inevitable. I also think the good and bad comments are fine as long as you specify that the Behavior is bad and not the child. They'll know the difference because they'll remember you telling them that they are good, but their behavior or their choice was not.

As for my daughter, I've noticed recently that when she is not listening to me she is often thinking about or doing something else. Which to me says that it's not that she doesn't want to listen to or obey me, it's that she's overwhelmed or distracted by something else. Her mind is always going, whether it's something she's trying to figure out, something she's about to say, or some song she has reeling through her head. I'm sure that sometimes it's a defiant attitude, but mostly I just think her brain is constantly working itself to the point where she has to slow it down just to listen to what I'm saying. They're really at a stage where their brain development is at an all time high--always learning, absorbing, and observing.

So, lately I've been talking slowly, touching her, or speaking closely to her to get her attention first, and then I ask her nicely and say please as I request it. Also, it helps me to say things like "let me see how good you can..." or "you're so good at...you're such a big girl!" And it doesn't always work, sometimes I do the punishment thing like you talked about, but you usually have some of that with all kids. I get so frustrated sometimes that I have to breath and count to 10 before I talk to her again so that I don't overreact. I guess we just have to keep the faith that we're doing the best we can and that sometime they will begin to improve.

Hi Mandy, First of all, STOP threatening her 5 times! Tell her once to do whatever it is you want her to do and if she does not do it within a 10 minute time frame, asker again with a "threat", if she still does not do it, follow through with that threat IMMEDIATELY! Then MAKE her do what you asked her to do. Keep taking things away from her that she likes...favorite toys, tv time, and DO NOT give them back for say 2 days. Put her in time out in a corner facing the corner in another room for 10 minutes. You have to be consistent EVERY time. Be sure to hug her and praise her when she does what you want. It works...or at least it did with my 3 year old. When she realized she would lose her favorite toy or she wouldn't get to watch her cartoons...well let's just say I never have to ask her the 2nd time anymore. Hope this helps...

I have a six yr. old daughter does the same thing...I got so frusterated telling her many times to do something. She now picks up her room & lays out her clothes before bedtime which helps alot...no more tv before school which broke her heart but I've found consistancy is best...and when you get her complete attention let her know what you want. I've even "turned the tables" on her & pretended not to listen when she was talking to me & that helped alot.. You have to remember her attention span is about 4 min. at max...! I also have a 13 yr. old who gets "lost" in some of her projects too..good luck!

Hi Mandy,
You have to stop threating she knows she will ba able to do it for that much longer. She has you figured out. Warn her once and then follow through. I also have a very pushy child. It works for me.

When telling her something say it to her and then make her repeat it so you can meke sure she is making out what u are saying. My daughter was doing the same thing but come to find out what she was hearing wasnt what i was saying. just be paitent she will come out of it.

Why are you telling her 5 times? 3 year olds do not get choices. Choices come with maturity and evidence of responsibility. Yes she can choose mac n cheese or a sandwich for lunch, but helping the family out by keeping her stuff picked up or an instruction to stop doing or start doing something is not a choice.

Making eye contact, tell her to do something once then take away something if she doesnt do it (if she is watching tv and wont stop to do whatever you said, unplug TV- yes I did say unplug. Doesnt get plugged back in until she does it.) If she still doesnt- take something else away. Make her earn them back.

And dont take the idea that telling your kids they are making bad choices makes them feel bad too far. Sometimes they will feel bad in life- they need to learn how to react and overcome that feeling at home- not outside the home where "feel good" solutions abound. Plus, your son is 6- I have 2 boys ages 13 and 10. There are times that I do not only say that was bad, but others that I flat out say "well that was stupid" Sometimes that is the only truth in the situation. For instance, we do alot of outside activities- camping, what not- when I see thier eyes spark with excitement and I forsee they are going to (climb, jump, shoot, touch, insert your choice here) something they shouldnt- I flat out say- "Don't be stupid" Reminding them to show intellect in the situation and not give in to the feeling of the moment.

We are here to guide them, not present all the possible choices for their choosing! Good Luck!

Here is a moment of truth...I'm not totally convinced with the "middle child syndrome" theory. Especially if you know you make efforts to show that child the same attention as the others.

I have three daughters 7, 4, and 2. I have this problem with ALL three of them. So, I have implemented the "say it twice,then move" act. (My cute way of saying, "I will say it twice, nicely, before you have to suffer the consequences). After several time-outs and butt whippings, all I say is "that was twice" and they respond without missing a beat!

You determine what the consequences will be when you first start. I think what happened was when she began to test her boundaries by not listening around the 24-30 month mark, you were a bit too laid back. Now that the baby is here, you're able to pay a little more attention to her ways of testing the waters. But, it's hard to go back and fix what has become habit for her.

Time, patience, and consistancy...

She doesn't respond until the 5th request because you have taught her that there will not be consequences until the 5th request. It will take some time to unteach this, but if you start having the consequence after the first time you ask and she doesn't comply (straight to time out and then to complete whatever you asked) her "hearing" will improve greatly.

I had this issue with my youngest son with video games and the computer. I had to stop being the "nice" person. It seemed kind of drastic at the time, but it worked. When he was told to do something, he had 5 minutes to respond(which meant get up and get moving kiddo). We gave him the 5 minutes because I realize that it is "important" to them to save their games, etc. If he wasn't up and moving at the 5 minute limit, we just walked up and hit the power button. When he was finished with what we asked him to do, he could return to "his" time. It only took a few times of him loosing his info on the computer or his game to realize that we meant business. Your daughter may be a little young for this and will probably have a couple of tantrums when you hit the power on the tv or her activity. But I think we, as adults, don't give them enough credit for their reasoning abilities. You just have to use trial and error to figure out what works best for your child. We've made it through raising 2 to adulthood and still have 2 teenagers at home. It's a continual process until they're out on their own. In my opinion-that's the hard part-having to watch them make and learn from their own mistakes without intervening. I wish you the best of luck-hang in there.

R.

Have you ever watched Supernanny? she deals with this all the time. Her technique is brilliant and it goes like this: you give one warning when the child does not obey you. If she still does not obey, you put her on a "naughty" spot, chair, corner, or whatever, for one minute per year of her age(that's three minutes for your daughter). She can get up after three minutes IF she apologizes. If she won't stay in the spot, you just keep putting her back there, without saying a word, until she stays. YOU WILL WIN, even if it takes all day the first time. You have made the mistake I always make: repeating your instructions. Just say it once, then follow with a warning, then follow with time on the naughty chair, if needed. All children will respond to this. You just have to convince them that you are in charge; which you are!
Let me know how it goes! How I wish I had Supernanny when my kids were little. I can't wait for my grandchildren to try me out, now that I know "the technique". It has helped me tremendously as a high school teacher!

I second Charlotte H's response - tell her once and then comes the discipline. not necessarily spanking or even time out. she has probably conditioned herself not to listen on the first time around b/c she knows you are going to give her 5 chances. start whatever your request is with her name and then the request. if she ignores you - turn her attention away from whatever it is that is keeping her from listening - more than likely the tv. DO NOT COUNT 1-2-3 - it is rebellion on 1.

Mommy, you need to retrain yourself. If you tell your daughter 5 times to do something, 4 of those times you have taught her that she doesn't need to obey. One time- then go and make her do it. It needn't be a spanking, maybe just taking her by the shoulders and guiding her thru the action you requested. Every single time. As many times as you have allowed her to get by, it will take to undo the bad training.

Try choices, sometimes children feel like they have no control of themselves. Giving a child choices helps them to feel in control. You should give 2 choices either of which you are happy with.

Example:
She asks for a drink...you say:
Would you like the red cup or the orange one?
Would you like milk or juice?
Would you like a lid or a straw?
Would you like to drink it in the kitchen or the dining room?

If she refuses to choose, then choose for her, stick to your choice, and ask the next question, she will quickly learn that if she doesn't choose then you will.

This works with discipline too:
She shows unacceptable behaviour....you say:
That behaviour is unacceptable in our family (or at church, school, etc.) would you like to spend your 5 minutes of time out on your bed or in the dining room chair? If she refuses to choose, then you increase the time and repeat the question. You continue to increase the time and repeat the question until she chooses, she will eventually learn that she will be there longer unless she chooses.

This worked wonders with my daughter and because she felt more control she actually listened better when there were no choices involved. She is now 16 and a well behaved young lady.

Good luck!

There's a great book out called HAVE A NEW KID BY FRIDAY.

It will tell you how to handle this problem and any others.

But in a nutshell:

DON'T GIVE ANY WARNINGS. (if you warn your child, you're saying, "You're so stupid, I have to tell you twice."

Tell her once. Then walk away. And if she obeys you great. If she doesn't, turn the tv off, and punish her. She's old enough to understand.