Need Advice or Words of Wisdom

Consequences. Explain to them what you expect (listening when you speak / respect / etc) and what the consequence will be the next time they don't listen. Make it serious -- like taking away their favorite toy / music / phone for a week, grounded for a whole weekend (no sports, friends, etc) -- and DON'T go back on it. No discussion, no second chances, no nothing. It is done until you decide the consequence is enough.

Also, one tip I heard about to get two kids to work together is that they both have to follow directions or both will be punished. So, if you do it this way, then even if one listens and the other doesn't, they both get the consequence. This could be helpful if they are really egging each other on.

Don't ask for respect ... demand and expect it. Good luck.

I have had really great success with a book called 1-2-3 Magic, by Thomas Phelan. The technique involves calmly counting to three when the kids are engaging in behavior that you don't want. If you get to three, they have a consequence (like going to their rooms.) It sounds silly for kids that age, but mine are similar ages and it really does work! No yelling and no guilt. It was a welcome relief for me. :)

H.
Founder of SitterScout.com

Have you tried speaking to them individually instead of at the same time. If you need to tell them something important, can you take each one into a separate room? it may seem like extra work, but might save your sanity. In addition, as kids are very intuitive and smart, they probably pick up on the fact that they are bugging you and well, you know kids.. sometimes they get a kick out of that. Also, remember when you were a kid and were suppose to be serious at times and it was at that time that you busted out laughing. Again, I would just try speaking to them separately and see how that goes.

Some Friday (when they don't have school the next day), call them to dinner. When they don't show up for food, eat with whoever does show up and put the food away. When they get hungry later on and ask about dinner, tell them you called, but they missed it and next feeding time is breakfast. Tell them they should listen to you because you might be saying something they need to hear. Going without supper once in awhile won't hurt them, and hunger is a wonderful reminder. My bet is their hearing will improve shortly.

I've seen that giggling...and I don't like disrespect either.
Here are my tips
#1) Make sure they are getting plenty of sleep. Tired kids get extra silly, and the more they laugh, the less oxygen to their brains...which means more laughing! Irrationality!
#2) Separate rooms. One to kitchen table and one to living room couch, or whatever---but so they can't see each other, and if possible: not hear each other either. Let them just sit for about 5 minutes, or until they stop laughing. Make sure they breathe. THEN talk. The idea is that they trigger each other, so the trigger needs to be removed.
#3) Try not to react. If you can't separate them because of the time or setting, give one warning, and then do something drastic. Drastic as in, if you are in a store, stop shopping and walk out with them and go home. But don't talk about what you are doing or why---no words required. They already KNOW what you want/expect from them, and you don't have to explain it to them. If you change your behavior, they will know you are serious, and finished with their game.

~I like your comments about liking that they are close...some siblings do have a special bond that way. It sounds like your other daughter has a different sort of temperament...I wonder if she ever feels left out.

~You said it pretty much ruins your day *everyday*. This is bad...you need to take some more time away from the kids, for yourself, on a regular basis. A happy mom is the best kind of mom---it might seem like they don't care whether you are happy, but when they see how much *better* their world is when you are happy, they will start caring about your mood a lot more! = )

I was reading your post and got to the part about taking parenting classes and using "I" messages. Here is my take on that. We are taught to use "I" phrases (I am frustrated, I am hurt, etc.) but what I am realizing is that often these phrases communicate to the other person that THEY are not doing anything wrong, that only YOU have the problem. It's perfectly fine to say "YOU are being disrespectful" or "YOUR actions are hurting my feelings". That's just my opinion, though!

You seem to be an excellent parent and you have gone the extra mile by taking parenting classes. Now, it's time for you to say to your kids to look you in the eye when you are talking to them and to respectfully listen when you talk. If they don't, separate them and take away TV or video games as another poster suggested.

I am sure that you have wonderful kids! But even great kids need a lesson in respect, some take longer to learn it but stand your ground and be firm.

It's good to work on this NOW rather than assuming they'll grow out of it or just someday begin to see you as one in authority & who deserves respect. To expect children to give respect means to treat them respectfully as well - which I assume is already the case. Not only does this affect them in the home it will also affect them in life in general, not learning how to properly listen to those in authority (teachers, employers, etc.).

I would try to think of a few creative ways of changing up how you communicate to them on a regular basis & then start fresh with a new method, not letting up on it for several weeks. And using the new method EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. either one of them shows you a level of disrespect. Once they start falling in line & you can see they are starting to understand the importance of listening, giving respect, obedience, etc., then you can back off & employ the new method at various times. If they start going back to ignoring you, then reimplement the new method every single time.

Some suggestions might be to take the younger one by the hand & lead him to the couch while you take the older one by the hand & lead her to the kitchen table or some other separate place. Tell the older child what needs to be said, then walk over & tell the younger child what needs to be said. If they don't obey or pitch fits then there will be a consequence appropriate for their age.

Or if there's a TV on or a game being played or some other distraction besides just the 2 of them talking, quietly walk over & turn it off / put it away / close it up & then wait for them to be quiet & looking at you. Then start talking to them about whatever it is that needs to be said.

I think you've already received some excellent suggestions that can be new methods of dealing with it, depending on their particular personalities & behaviors. It's going to be tedious, exhausting & frustrating, but if you stick with it you will definitely see some changes in them, if not immediately then very soon! And that should be an encouragement to you, that you ARE the mother, you DO deserve respect & your children WILL listen to you, whether they think they need to or not.

Good luck!

No offense, but they have been allowed to get away with this disrespectful behavior for quite awhile and it's good to address it as soon as possible. They do not see you as having any authority. When they literally do not listen to you I suggest you take away something important to them for awhile (an Ipod, cell phone, bike, toy etc.) like for the rest of they day, not just for the amount of time you want them to listen. They need to learn that when you speak they get your attention for whatever amount of time you need. Reestablish your authority. You could also separate them, but this is harder to do with a 9 year old you may not even be able to pick up if she won't go by herself. Give them one warning the first time and then take the item. No warnings in subsequent coversations, just do it. They will learn fast. Talk to them about the importance of listening to those in authority. They don't always have to agree but in your house they must abide. Remind them that they want others to listen to them and that it's a two way street. It will do well for them to learn how to listen now, since it will be an important skill in the working world someday. Good luck!

Perfection solution. Do unto others as they would have done unto you.

When you call their names, they ignore you. When they call you, you ignore them. When they laugh at you while you are talking, you laugh at them when they are talking to you. I know two wrongs don't make it right. But you have to try and reached them. If they ignore you, you ignore them. They will say something because they won't like it the way you are treating them. And BANG. That is when you tell them how you feel when they do that to you. And you let them know it does not feel good, when you laugh at me when I am trying to tell you something. It does not feel good when you ignore me or when I asked you to do something and you just laugh.

What will really get them, is when they tell you they are hungry and they ask you to fix their favorite dish. What you do is fix them what they don't like but you like it only because food will be left over because they are not going to eat.. They will tell you I am not going to eat it and you just say well then you are not going to eat. You can not give in. You have to be strong. Take away their favorite toys. I put my daughters toys in a garbage bag and pretend to put it in the garbage. You can hide them in the trunk of your car or hide it in the garage somewhere. But whatever you do don't give in. They will throw tantrums and have a fit. Ignore it. When they start listening and obeying you see that they have changed then you can start giving certain things back. Don't make their beds, don't clean their room. If they want to act like that, they do not deserve to have you do anything for them. I mean no TV, Video Games, nothing. Everything goes. The only thing left in their room is an unmade bed (which they have to make up themselves), a dresser with their clothes in it and nothing else.

This is called MOM ON STRIKE. You can not give in, because if you do it again, they will know that you will not last and trust me kids can hold out longer.

I heard another mom use this and adopted it. She was telling her son to say hello or goodbye to some one and said, "Give him your eyes!" So now I am working on my child to give her eyes to me when I'm talking to her. Boy does she squirm, but if you get mean and force the issue by turning their chin towards you (as gently as you can) and be firm that we are not leaving this until you look at me with your eyes and I get through what I'm saying, they do listen.

S.

I have an 11 YO and she's always been a little bit of a pill. We started a rewards and points system. We did a spreadsheet with a listing of what the kids can do to earn points and then a list of what they can use those points for. It has been useful in that my girls now seem to have more of a cause and effort of their behavior and they want to earn points. If the kids are being silly while you speak to them I would separate them and let them know that you expect their undivided attention - and this is not an unreasonable expectation, so don't feel bad. Misbehaving kids makes me cranky too and I know how frustrating it is. I would say that you make sure that you represent the seriousness of their offense. I would tell them that you expect their undivided attention and be firm and straight about it. Do you have a look that freezes them? Use it. Yelling is bad, I agree, but a stern look never hurt anyone. Good-luck.

Don't panic - that's normal - i was chuckling as i was reading your email because i vivedly remember doing that with my sister to my grandmother ( she raised us) we went thru a period that all we did laugh and she would get mad at us and that would make us laugh more... this too shall pass. If they are laughing they seem to be happy children and you are doing a good job. You may want to talk to them separately and tell them how you feel - you just may want to join them with laughing that just my change there mind.

I would try throwing in there something like, "If you both don't calm down and listen, no TV tonight/no Wii tonight/etc." That should catch their attention! Just be sure to follow through.

I agree that it's disrespectful. It's fine if they're happy and get along, but they need to listen to you when you talk.

Good luck!

What gets my kids(5, 11 and 15yrs old) attention is if they are not listening to me, I tell them in a calm voice that if they aren't listening they lose something, DS, phone, ect. If they don't stop and listen I do not repeat the request I get up and get the item and put it away. No second choices. For the younger one it can be for the an evening. For the older ones it is usually a day. Once you have done that once or twice you will be surprised at how much they hear when they are goofing off. Only key is to make sure that it is something they REALLY enjoy and let them see you put somewhere they can see but not have.

This sounds like you may need to talk to them individually rather than as a 'team'. Try taking one aside... even into a different room... and talk with that one alone. Then, if you have the same thing to say to the other, immediately take that one and have your talk a second time around. They may even get the idea that it will save them time and trouble to stop and listen together after you've done this a few times.

I just walk over and grab the Wii remote and dangle it (that is the currency here in this house), When my 9 y.o son realizes I have it, he gives his full attention. The next step is it gets taken and he knows it.
Your kids probably have something they like just as well.
You have to follow through every time or it won't work.

K.....We know little about your situation....tell us more.

I am guessing you are a single mother? You have three young children, two who do not take you seriously. Instead of yelling, take the two disrespectful children by the hand and separate them. Talk to each child individually. The nine year old will/should understand better then the six year old, exactly what you mean. Let them know you mean BUSINESS! Let them BOTH know when you are speaking to them (not yelling – although at one time or another all parents yell at their kids—those who swear otherwise—I would question their honesty), and they don’t listen and obey, they will be punished and sent to separate areas immediately and the punishment could be for a few days along with NO extra privileges. (i.e. tv, games, movies, friends, dessert etc.)

How is it that your eight year old “gets the message” and the other two don’t? Perhaps you could enlist her help.

If dad is around, what’s going on with him? I urge you to get this situation under control while your still the biggest! Follow through is the most important element. Your children probably don't listen to you, because you haven't insisted and followed through????

Blessings…..

Hi M. K,

It is important for your children to know you are their mother and they have to listen or they have consequences.

When my son was little and did not listen to me I would walk over to him look him in the face and and tell him if he did not listen to me he would be in his room for a couple of hours with no TV at all and no friends over the house. You have to stick to what you say. If you do not they will run all over you.

They know what they are doing. You do not need to yell. Take them by their arm and walk them to the room if necessary. If they are out of control you can also call the police department and tell them your children are not listening to you and I think it is 601 incouragable in police terms and the police officer will come and talk to them. I guarantee they will listen to you after that if it comes to that.

The key is sticking to what you say and do not give in.

Good luck.

N. Marie

Greetings M. K,
As the mother of 5, having been a foster parent and now the Grandmother of several sweethearts, I wanted to share a few of my thoughts with you.
I believe in tough and firm love, infact I doubt that anyof my children will tell you that there is nothing I wouldn't do for them--- UNLESS-- they stepped over the boundries.
First off I was the one in charge, I came by that role as the mother and parent. I accepted no disrespect and they knew it.When they were out of bounds I would whisper and not yell because they had to pay more attention that way-one they missed out on ice cream becaue they weren't listening haha. Once when my adult (both foster and birth) children were together- I asked them if they were ever afarid of their father they were belly laughing because he was so tender hearted. But they knew not to cross me or there were consequences.Sometimes it had to only be "the look" they said.
A child will only treat you the way that they are allowed to.
I also took parenting clsses as part of my foster parent training. Personally the only I message I gave was "the look" that meant they knew I had seen or heard what they did. I hate I messages because they seem so demeaning to the person you are talking to. My husband and I set boundries and built a foundation on love, family respect and knowing that we were the ones in charge and were to be given respect.* Allowing for when they became teens and then went brain-dead for afew years and suddenly I became smart again and they were again working on all cylinders *smile* Have you considered making a family moto, and list of what your family stands for? In putting it together you will all build upon the foundations and values of the family and define what you stand for. We kept it simple: live the 10 commandments, honor one another as family members, appreciate the wisdom of listening to your parents(that got a real laugh when the little ones came up with it), the boys put in about modesty. But it was clearly defined and we still have it today to look at. All those that lived in our home got a chance to sign it. You will do better when you are not so overwhelmed and stop having the feeling that you have done something wrong to get it so out of sontrol. It could not be farther from the truth- as long as you care enough to work on the problem you are going to be a success!
Parenthood- is much like a theme park ride-- lots of twists and turns and a thrill a minuet. When the ride is over you take a breath and guess what -- jump on the next ride for the ride of a lifetime. Enjoy Parenthood there really is nothing like it. My grandchildren tell us that we are loved no matter what and its a riot when one calls and saysNana did mom do xxx when she was young cuz she won't let me. In years to come what you do now will make a world of differance to how they become adults and parents themselves. Nana Glenda