Need Advice on How to Fix a Bad Situation! :)

Thank you for being an involved parent who ensures that your child gets the proper guidance to behave well in social situations. And good for you for seeking advice from other Mom's on how to handle this. I know that, in the past, I probably would have benefited from this as my husband's family tends to cause many messy situations in which I just respond instead of seeking advice first.

Anyway, I think I would probably do what you are doing. You have tried approaching the parents on the child's behavior and have been unsuccessful and in fact, have probably strained the relationship. You have tried talking with the kids and been unsuccessful. I think having your kids defend themselves against their kid's behavior is probably the next best thing. Additionally, you could consider only spending limited time with them and pick situations where the kids would be in the best position to behave well. For example, do they act out in some places more than others or do they act out when they are hungry or sleepy. Finding out what causes their behavior could be key in figuring out the best time to be around them.

Hope this helps!
N.

C.,
I would rent a video camera and video tape the kids playing together (which would highlight the bad child's behavior) and then play it in front of everyone. I wouldn't have my kids hit back but I would tell my kids to say that if he doesn't stop hitting that they will not play with him or her any more. But I can definitely understand why you told your kids to hit them back. This is a really frustrating situation. Also you could gently ask the family member if their child is okay ... tell them that you noticed he was having some problems.

In my family, when this happens I yell out something to the offending child (if the parent doesn't). And vice versa. Everyone is okay with this. We pretty much agreed to this in advance (on my side of the family). Maybe if your family is close you can agree to yell at each other's children as needed. On my husband's side of the family is a different story. But their kids don't hit my child, they are unfriendly to him and refuse to play with him. This really hurts my son's feelings but I really don't know what to do about that.

Good Luck.

Diana

Give them a copy of How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, By Farber and Mazlisch. They seem to be afraid to set limits, but it can be done in a way that doesn't harm the relationship. This book will help.

P.S. It may even give you some idea to help your kids when playing with this child (other than hitting them back), and also help the child to realize the impact he can have on others.

C.,

I have had this with my sister's 3 out of her 4 children. The they are liars, cheaters,and just plain bad children. I come from a large family I have 9 other siblings.

I see my sisters and their children almost every Saturday. We trade off on whos house is next. These children were so mean that they would purposely hurt the other children no matter what the age of the child was, they would purposly try to hurt my dog and my cats.

Me and my other sisters (not including the Mom of the terrible children) finally sat down and told her that if she did not control, disciple and direct her children to behave that she was going to no longer be at the houses on the weekends or family gatherings.

It was not right that she could yell at ours for doing something or to come run to the parents and tattle on the other children, but when it came time for her to be reprimanded she would just let it all slide.

There are so many things that her 2 boys have done and i dont ahve enough time or most likely space to email it with.

But we were serious and she was removed from the family gathers for several months. Then she had called one of the sisters (never me cause I am the mouthy one and will tell her things that she will not like). Asking to be allowed to be part of the family gatherings.

WE all told her the day she came back that we would not tolerate her children in the behavior they are and if they did not change and if she did not reprimand them not to even come over.

To end she has done better but when they come to my house and they do wrong (not all children are angels or bad) I do not alow them to get away with anything. something they do wrong and it needs to be address then and there I take care of it. If it is something that i will take them to their mom and have her deal with it fine.

last week we were at her house and her youngest son was whipping this "laser" toy at a little girl and of course no one say this but me and I screamed his name to get his attention and his father told me to quit screaming. I proceeded to the nephew removed the laser from him made sure the girl was ok and told him that he was bad. he kept screaming that i can not take his toy away. Bologna I did and I put it up so high that no child can reach it.

Tell your family member ours got so out of hand that months went by before my one sister finally realized that her children were monsters.

J.
www.noahsarkworkshop.com/jodigilbert18

One thing I would advise is NOT TO TEACH THEM TO HIT BACK in every situation! Not because I don't believe in it, I beleive a child SHOULD defend themselves if attacked, but because when they get to school there is a ZERO tollerence of violence. If your child hits a child back they can be suspended as well as the child that hits them, no explainations accepted. This has happened to my son. It is a stupid policy but one that is going nation wide. I would suggest quietly picking up the offender and removing them to another room and shutting the door, telling them that is NOT allowed in your house. If they won't stop then I would tell the parents that the child is no longer welcome in your home, family or not. If they won't discipline their child then you have every right to protect yours. IMO. =)

Hi, C. ~ I have been in the somewhat same situation and it finally came to a head last December at my daughter's one year birthday party. My nephew is a little out of control and while he was at the party he broke three of our Christmas decorations and he and his brother tore open my daughter's presents and threw them at her head. You should see the video of our daughter's party ~ real lovely memories of how they ruined her day. There is more, but you get the jist of it. Anyway, I tried the approach of telling my sister that we are trying to set a good example for my daughter and we don't touch things nor do we throw things in our house. My aunt even made a comment to them about my nephew's behavior. Anyway, it totally backfired and like with what happened to you ~ they felt we were picking on their kids. A couple of comments were passed back and forth and they ended up leaving when they were supposed to spend the night (they live three hours away). We ended up getting into a huge argument shortly after that and we didn't talk for about a month. When we finally did, I tried explaining to my sister that when her boys are in our house we expect them to behave a certain way. I also would appreciate that even if we are not in our house they show respect for our daughter. Needless to say, they have not been to my house since and I am afraid to have them here, but we have gotten together at their house and also at my parents' house. So, I think the best thing to do may be to approach the parents and really tell them how you feel, but expect hurt feelings. I know that although my sister and I (and my brother-in-law, husband and mom, too) all were fighting about this and didn't talk for a while, in the end it really did ultimately help to clear the air and let them know how we felt. Now they know what to expect when we are together and to be honest with you, my sister and her husband are VERY good now at watching their boys and making sure they are behaving. My mom has noticed it, too. I hope this helps and I wish you luck because I know a situation like yours is not an easy one to deal with. Take care, L.

I have had the same experience, with family and friends. This is what it usually boils down to, ask the parents to either, control their child, to find a sitter when they visit, or to not visit at all. Be tactful, but don’t beat around the bush. Make it clear that you’re unhappy with their child’s behavior, and their unwillingness to control him. It sounds harsh, and it is, but when the parents won’t show consideration and respect, you need to set boundaries and stand by them.

As a side point, your children are watching you, and this step will show them that you don’t tolerate poor behavior, and that you are willing to take a stand for what you believe in – even if it caries a negative consequences. It also lets them know that they can depend on your protection. If enough of the friends and family took similar action, the parents may actually start to think, “Hey, maybe we should control our child.”

The upside is that the parents could take it to heart, and start parenting their child as they should. This advice is easier to give than do, but this is how I’ve handled my situations, and so far, it’s about 50/50 for response. There’s nothing wrong with having boundaries and enforcing them. After the other party’s feathers have calmed down, it usually gets you respect.

Good luck,
K.

I don't understand people who don't discipline their kids. In my family, adults have the right to discipline the misbehaving kid. It doesn't matter who's kid it is, bad behavior is just not tolerated in our family. I would not be nervous or walk on eggshells if I were you. Put your foot down now! They need to know that when "Aunt C." is around that she doesn't play! Not long when they see a certain look in your eyes, they'll back down. Another option is not to be available when they want to visit. No need to speak to them about their bad child and cause an argument that will make you physically ill. No need to keep letting their child torture your children. Let them "discover" it on their own when people stop inviting them over or declining their invitations. Eventually, they'll get the hint!

C.,
You don't need this. For your sake and the sake of your kids, let the other people know that you will not be around them unless they change their behavior. I have been the "bad guy" by setting limits like this, but my child seems very relieved that I am protecting him and care how others treat him. Teaching the kids to fight back will only escalate the violence and teach your kids to use violence to solve their problems. You will feel better when you clear the air by being more forceful. So far, these people don't seem to care what you have to say. Good luck. Amy

Hi C.,
I think we can all identify with this issue. The kids in my brother's household don't show respect. He married a woman who already had one son who is 16. They had two kids together the other son is five and now a daughter who is two. The boys have no respect they talk smart to the mom and nothing is done. When I would go over there with my son who is four, he would play with the five yr old but then I noticed that the five yr old started taking over and being pushy verbally and physically. In the beginning I just brushed it off as kids then he had a birthday party and he really showed his ... so-to-speak. He was teasing some of the younger kids and the mom did nothing.. so my son was one of those kids and came upstairs and he said he was being mean to him. Then of course in between this time it was more verbal smart talk done to the mom and along with his other brother who is 16. I was like I don't tolerate this in my own house and my son who is four will imitate what he sees and hears thinking it is cool or cute. I do not want him around that type of atmosphere, where the adults are more like friends or buddies to mere children. Point blank we stopped visiting. We only go over there for parties and that was last December. I admit yes it is your house but if your own kids aren't showing respect and you choose to accept it, I will not be a part of it or my family. Because believe me I was almost to the point where I would have said something to the little boy, but I knew it the situation was going to get ugly after that. I think the parents both realize that now esp since there are not many visits from my brother's side of the family. Yes kids are kids but there is a line just like any other situation that is crossed and something needs to be done. You can pull the parents to the side and express your thoughts and if that doesn't work I would only visit for special occasions.

K. :)

Direct communication with the offending children and parents is the key, but it is hard to do. First DO NOT tell your children to hit back. Second, don't re-hash past occurences. Bring up this occurence now and only this one. tell the child what they are doing (you are hitting others, screaming in the house, etc) often, kids don't really pay attention to what exactly they are doing. DON'T ask them WHY they did it--it just throws them into the mindset of trying to come up with an excuse. You're just trying to get them to take responsibilty for what they did and agree not to do it anymore.

Same kind of thing with the parents-tell them what they are allowing, and not to allow it in your presence. let them know that they can count on you to look out for the best interest of ALL family children, and ask them what can you count on them for?

Please be aware of judgemental words and don't use them. this doesn't mean the kids are bad, wild, undisciplined, unliked, or the parents either. Being judged makes people defensive and rebelious. Adults even more so. All you want is an agreement with them about the behavior that will go on in your prescence from that point on.

Now, the hard part will be deflecting the judgments and "meaning" that they will put on you. Just stick to the facts, and if they can't meet you on that level, tell them you won't see them or the kids until they discuss this with you calmly.

I had a conversation like this with my MOTHER last year, and it was hard and she was mad--but honestly only for a day, and our relationship has been so much better since. Good luck!

i do believe that every family has at least one. i have two kids girl4-boy3. i am almost forced into watching my husbands neice when she is not in school and she is 9. this kid would kick my girl off the couch when she was learning to walk, kicked my son in the back when he was 1, and is just plain evil. when i bring these things up to her mom there is always an excuse. finally i stopped letting her take/watch my kids and i have slowly stopped watching hers. yet the mom doesn't get the fact that i am doing this so her kids won't seriously injure one of mine. and trust me if she had the opportunity she would. telling the kids to hit back is my last resort because she is 5-6 years older thatn mine and is over weight so she hits harder, but i do totaly agree with defending yourself angaisnt a bully.really the only thing you can do is withdraw from the situation and maybe the other parents will notice and ask why you haven't been around when they are. when they ask just tell them as straight as you can. no more eggshells!! good luck

I do have to say that hitting back doesn't fix anything for 1 main reason. The child that they are hitting back will usually, in my experience, only hit back harder and wilder. I can understand the frustration that caused you to say that, though. I have been in the same situation and it is tough. But your first priority has to be protecting your children and family. I would definately have a firm talk with the parents about what the rules are in your home and what you will and will not tolerate. You don't have to be mean or say that their child is a bully or violent. Just approach it in a calm, matter of fact way. If it continues, I would no longer allow the child to be in my home. If everyone in your family does the same thing, they will have to wise up to the fact that their "little angel" isn't such an angel after all.

I feel for you. My brother and I have different parenting styles, and have had similar conflicts in the past (with underlying currents from past conflicts as well I'm sure). His kids have a lot of energy and some of it comes out in hitting, etc. too. I don't think it's to the extent of your issue, but hopefully this will help anyway. I'm too stubborn to walk on eggshells with him most times, and when he's visiting us, I will reprimand anyone who is misbehaving with, "There's no-hitting in our house". I try to show little emotion (easier said than done) and make it more about setting rules than a judgement of the child. It gets trickier when they are somewhere else, but my parents also have the same tactic and my brother and his wife do discipline (he and I just have differences about what should be disciplined). The other thing I have done is to uncover what is special about my brother's children. I didn't have to search long. Underneath their acting out were some really wonderful kids. Maybe if you expressed to their parents how much you care for your nephew, especially noting specific positive attributes, but that you were upset by his negative behavior. Maybe his parents would be less defensive if you asked their advice on how to deal with this behavior and offered your help. If all else fails, I would go with the other Mamas and express that you cannot spend time with them if they continued to act that way.
My son came home from his first day at school with tips on how to handle a bully: first tell him to stop, next walk away and ignore him, and third tell an adult. Maybe this would help in the meantime or with any relapses.
Good luck!