Need Advice on How to Handle Child Who Is a Sore Loser

I had a 1st grade student who was a very sore loser (she had anger issues) and would scream and tear things up when she lost. I began playing games with her and another student who was very patient and made the point of the game to lose. Whoever lost- won. The loser had to say " congratulations" or "good game" and I gave the loser a prize, if the winner said something like "I enjoyed playing with you, better luck next time" the winner also got a prize for being a good sport. After several times of this I worked all prizes away, after awhile I worked back in the prize for the winner and expected the same behavior- it worked very well. I gave LOTS of praise at every step for the kind words and calm behavior. That child is in middle school now and is very sensitive to others feels though she still struggles with her anger- but not with games! She's fun to play games with, according to her mom!

In a perfect world kids would learn when first instructed. However, this isn't a perfect world and these lessons have to be repeated over and over and over. It gets tiresome, but what you are already doing is exactly what you should do!

Lots of encouragement : ) My four (almost five) year old had the hardest time with this issue. I taught him a new word to use when he didn't like what was going on. Our word was "bummer". I started using the word and he just cought on and started using it too. We often play a board game similar to sorry..and when he landed on my piece and sent me back to "home" I would say, "aww, bummer...thats ok, when it's my turn I'll try to get you off..or maybe I'll try to get daddy off *giggle giggle*" that way when it happens to him he has an example of how to verbalize his frustrations. Also look closely at the examples he has in his life. Does he have an older sibbling that may treat him that way when no one is watching, or a friend....often times kids repeat what they see. Sometimes thats not the case but I wouldn't rule that out.

All good things come with time. All we can really do is set a good example and hope they pick up on it : ) Good luck!!

I have a six year old step-son. We get him (and 2 others who are older) every other weekend. Apparently, he is allowed to have little fits at home and he is really babied alot. He pulled the same thing with us a couple of weeks ago, throwing a fit when his older brother beat him at "Connect Four". He turned the game upside down and pieces went everywhere. He started whining and crying and we were all surprised. I explained to him that in order for people to continue to want to play games with you, you must be a good sport. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. If he couldn't be a good sport about either one, we would no longer play with him. He did it again next game. So, he got sent to his room, and the rest of us kept playing. Later, he came in and wanted to play again. He was asked to apologize to his brother and we taught him to say "Good Game" whether he wins or loses. He'd gotten in the habit of being a real annoying braggert when he won, too. He is getting the idea now. We shut his world down by sending him away from the fun. He dislikes that, so it's effective. But, we've explained to him we don't want to play games with him when he acts like a whiner and baby. Good luck!

I hate to minimize the situation, because I know you must be REALLY frustrated, but I would just stop the game right when the behavior starts and when he asks you to come back tell him that the game is no longer fun for you and you refuse to play something that is not fun! My nephew did that throwing a fit thing when he did not win and trying to cheat, and we just stopped playing with him. He loved playing games so much that he really worked on the temper tantrums...It does take a while though!

I have one just like that, except she's seven. She can't stand to lose - at anything. After trying various things, I grounded her from playing any games for 5 days. For the next 5 days, however, she had to lose every game she played or, if she found she was winning, she had to quit playing. Since we play a lot of games, it did show her how to lose - even if she doesn't like it. She is not throwing fits to date.

Dear T.:

I understand that this is mostly developmental. My Early Childhood Educationa professors would say that at this age, children should not keep score - or win or lose. This may not be entirely practical in our society - but there you have it - your child is NORMAL.

PS. It is normal (and adaptive) for your child to think he or she can do anything and never lose - confident children will keep trying and thus accomplish more. Some experts even suggest that adults lose to children to encourage this (though I personally don't liked that idea).

I think you are on the right track. I have a child who can be the same way. Expecialy with any sport with a ball. If he looses his temper during a game as soon as he does it I pull him out of the game and he has to sit there doing nothing.

His cousins come over a lot and they play ball, or vidoe games. Any time he loses he gets angry and will talk nasty or hit. So we for about 1 month any time they came over he was not allowed to play. Saying to him "Until you learn to control yourself you can't play. Not, to mention the fact that now your cousins are scared to play with you because you get so angry." Ever since this he has gotten better. Simply put he wants to play, and in order to play, he has to play nice.

We also have prayed over him and for him about this. We discussed how true character comes not when things go your way, but when they don't. Lastly we have spoken to him (not when he is in trouble, then we are very stern and strict) but later about his manhood. This seems to really help both our boys. About what kind of man they want to become. Saying you can't make wrong choices now and choose to be angry now, then all of the sudden when your a man you won't have these problems. The choices start now. Choosing to do right now, will help you be a honorable man later. I know this sounds like it may be to much for a child. But my boys are still young and they respond to this.

Hope this helps.

State the consequences that such behavior will have (while he is calm, before there's a problem), and then follow thru. If he resets the Wii, then I'd say he's done playing on the Wii for the day. If he does it again the next day, he can lose it for 2 days, and so on.

It kills me to lose- that's why I never played competitive sports, cannot watch my favorite teams in the finals of whatever, and don't usually hang with competitive people. My parents and brother hated playing board games with me because I would carry on about how I never won, I always lost, etc. Except that, I usually won (this made them very mad, needless to say). I guess we all dealt with it and the games we played were few and far between.

Now, the tables are turned and my son, 6 next week, is like me when it comes to games. He actually likes the game "Sorry" because of the revenge, so his attitude is different during this game (lots of praise when he doesn't throw a fit). He's also pretty good with Hullabaloo, because there are so many chances to win. Chutes and Ladders? I'm just about ready to throw that game out, but it is a good game to work on those behaviors. If he walks away from a game that his sister and I are playing, he's out and can't come back in until the next game. I've also tried to teach him to say, "Bummer". We also say, "Congrats winner. Maybe I'll win next time." I also don't allow the word "Loser" in the house... that does creep into the house with TV, but I've tried to press upon my kids that no one likes to be called a loser.

Then again, it's probably a phase... You are handling it well, but it is always nice to see what else works. Keep up the good work and hang in there!

My mother-in-law teaches her grandchildren by throwing a fit when she loses. When they see how ridiculous she looks, they settle down. Of course, she does this when they're 3 or 4. I don't know if it would work with a 6 year old, but I wish you the best!

Just keep trying to teach character and guide him it is the fun of playing with someone not who wins and loses. My daughter had a wonderful woman coach that had a team of very small girls so she brought out their best playing parts and worked on what was weak.She did not care if they won or lost just how they played the game and won with dignity and honesty. Keep up and maybe he will get it. Natural consequences would be his friends not wanting to play any more. Good luck doing the right thing keep it up. G. W

I would definitely try the "throwing a fit" when he's winning to show him what it looks like. Also, I've had problems with my oldest in the past about issues like this. He's competitive and likes to win, but when he loses--especially in video games--he can be aggressive, which is why the video games are monitored and timed.

I would definitely limit the video games though.

If he exhibits the sore loser attitude then remove him from the situation and put him in a quiet spot so he can "time out" and cool off.

Stay consistent with him though. He will get better with time and age. Just make sure you also reiterate how "life" is, and talk about what you expect from him as a person. :)

Put him in sports, he will learn that losing is part of the game. Try to find an upwords program if you can, they teach the kids how to win and lose gracefully.

My 6 year old grandson does the exact same thing. Maybe it is an age thing. My son has him in group activities but it seems when he is on his own to win or lose that it is a problem.

It sounds to me like you are already handling it very well. I think that I would just add a reminder at the beginning of the game about the consequences of his behavior.

My son had the same problem. He is a genious with the IQ to prove it. After many years, there were many more "symptoms" that popped up. If your child seems to be way smarter than the other children around him and tends not to play with others but tends to want to play more on his terms, you might want to consider Asbergers Syndrom. I know this may sound extreme, but that was one of the first symptoms that seemed to be real prevalent.

My son did not go as far as messing up the game or resetting it, but he would storm off and cry. He has tried cheating a few times though and I tell him that (calmly) that this behavior is not acceptable or nice. I walk away and tell him that my heart has been hurt and I will not play with him. He also loses the game for a few days to think about what he did.

You may even want to try timeouts. Better yet, why not act the way he acts when you are losing just to show him how it feels to the other person...I would do that just once though.

Good luck and I will be praying for you,

J. S.

Mia Hamm (the great women's soccer player) has a kid's book out that addresses this - apparently she used to be a terrible sport as well.

Also, check yourselves - do you and your husband both handle these challenges well?

That is a tough one! For some competitiveness seems to be inborn. As a mom of 3 boys, I always try to put my sons in the other persons shoes to teach them compassion, etc. For competitiveness my gut reaction is to try two different approaches, maybe one will work. Firstly, let him get ahead and "act out" just as he would. Then have a heart to heart with all the different feelings that he may have felt on both sides of the win/loss. Secondly, try to find some sport clips with poor and good sportsmanship. Allow him to view them and discuss how ridiculous the poor sport looks compared to the good sport. You might can google some examples on You Tube, i.e. John McEnroe. Reward him when he is a good sport, and don't play when he is a bad sport. Try to focus on the fun of playing whether you win or lose. And try to get the message across that winning may not feel that great all the time especially when it makes others feel bad. Good luck and I hope this is helpful.

Sorry, no advice, just sympathy. I also have a 7 year old boy who is a sore loser. He loves to play card games and such and does pretty good. His grandma always beats him, though, and if he is losing too many times or too badly, he just decides he is done playing and walks away. When playing with his dad, he has also whined and even cried "I NEVER win."

My friend/neighbor also has a 7 year old boy with the same problem. Sounds like it might be something that they all need to go through. The trick is, how do we work through this part of their lives successfully?

I am looking forward to hearing the responses on how to help the "sore losers" through this stage.