Need Advice on My Sons Behavior Problem

I'm sorry but explaining things to a 2 and a half year old is silly. He does not have the cognitive thought process to understand. There are some books out there I just can't remember their names. Realize there may be other things going on here. Some kids with delayed speech and language skills get frustrated that people don't understand them and react in anger or tantrums. So there is a reason you just have to try to identify it. Be patient with him.

Hi P., what a pretty name you have! Welcome to the terrible two's! I think first you need to rule out any medical reason this is happening. Sometimes kids are in chronic pain and can't tell their parents, so they act out. Could he possibly have a sensory disorder? You need to discuss all this with your peditrician at his next appointment. If medical reasons are ruled out then it looks like you just have a difficult child.

There are other ways to deal with a toddler then just time outs. It sounds like your son feels frustrated and like he has no control over his world. Try to imagine being a toddler. He is smaller, slower, can't communicate the same way these "big people" can, and gets no "say" in daily activities. Most of what he wants he is told "NO". Now you have to try to understand how a toddler brain works. Their little brains are not as developed as ours. They don't process information like we do, they don't understand like we do. They are ruled by the right side of the brain. The impulsive, emotional, distractable right side! Especially when they get mad or upset, the right side completely takes over and shuts down the left side of the brain. That is the logical, calm and rational side. So when a toddler get mad, you are dealing with an irrational mad man!

I suggest first start by making him feel more confident and in control. Start by letting him "win" a few daily "battles". Maybe a pillow fight. Have a gentle pillow fight and let him win. When he hits you with the pillow really act like he is super strong and pretend he knocked you over! Then tell him how strong he is! In the morning pull out two shirts and let him choose which one he wants to wear. But only give him two choices! Any more and he will be overwhelmed. Offer him a banana or yogurt for breakfast and let him choose which one he wants. These little things will make him feel like he has some control, and he is winning at least a few "battles". At night before bed sweetly tell him all the good things he did today, what a good boy he was. Pick up his teddy bear and (in front of him) tell the teddy bear what a good boy you have. Let him overhear you telling other people what a great kid he is.

Now here is a different approach to a tantrum. It might seem strange, but I think you are ready to try something new. Lets say your son's name is Jimmy. Now lets say he is throwing a tantrum because he wants a cookie. As soon as the tantrum starts get down on his level (or even a little lower) look him in the eye and say: "Jimmy really wants a cookie! Jimmy says I want a cookie NOW! Jimmy wants a cookie NOW NOW NOW!" And really be emotional about it. Really use your hands and arms and really get into it. Keep doing this until he starts to calm down. You may have to repeat those words 3 to 8 times until he calms enough to hear you. But once he does "hear" what you are saying he will stop and think "wow, mom really gets what I'm trying to tell her. She really understands me". That is when you tell him no cookie right now, but lets go draw together, it'll be so much fun to draw together! I have seen this work with many toddlers. Once they are calm, that is when you distract them. And they walk away thinking they were really heard! They think you really do get them and understand them. After all, that is what we all want! To be heard and understood. Imagine if you had a really bad day and someone really made you mad, when you told your husband about your day, you would really want to feel like he understands how you feel.

Give this a try and see if it works for you and your son. It might not, but it just might! I recommend you go to the library and check out some books. There are shelves and shelves of books to help parents. And don't forget to talk to your child's doctor. I would ask the doctor about a possible sensory disorder. But honestly your son sounds like a normal two year old! Best of luck to you P..

Look into books on Gentle Parenting and Non-violent Parenting. If you are yelling at him, spanking him, using timeouts for every infraction, no matter what it is, he's taking his cues from you. If you aren't, there may still be a communication issue he's picking up on.
Now is the time to start teaching him good communication so as he gets better at speaking, he has the tools to express himself without hitting.
Here's the formula:
It makes me ________ when you ________ because _______. Next time please _______.

Example:
It makes me angry when you hit your sister because it hurts her. Next time please ask me for help if she won't give you a toy.

Validate his feelings and help him communicate them:
I understand that you are angry because you want to play with Johnny's crayons. Instead of hitting, ask me to help you get some of the crayons.

Using this often and consistently, it works for most children while setting up a life-long understanding and communication pattern.

This has been several years ago as my baby!! is 37 but when our kids would bite we would bite back no hard but to let him know how it hurt. When they would hit we would hit just to show him it wasn't to be done. Now days it is different but our kids do reasoning or time out or take some toy away for a period of time and that seems to work with them. They do NO yelling or swearing just talk in a pleasant voice. Try this it may or may not work with your child. All kids are different even ones in the same household. Good Luck

P.,

At age 2 1/2, you don't need a psychiatrist, you really need a Developmental Pediatrician, who can be found at your nearest children's hospital.

Behavior like you describe is a developmental issue, and it needs appropriate intervention. Find out exactly what that source is, or you may be wasting the most important resource you have; his very young age.

The best "good advice" I can give you is to do what he needs not what you want. Time is free, use it wisely.

M.

hi P....my lil boy (almost 6)was a very big screamer, tantrums, you name it. Still does periodically now. Hes like a timer, 3 weeks very good, then boom! 3 weeks of fits. not sure why there. But anyhow, we did try 2 things that did seem to help. we tried when he was alil older ( 4yrs), but 1st..what is he eating?? i started paying attention to his sugar intake, lil debbies to be precise, when i took them away, his behavior improved. I also tried a behavior board, kept it basic, and easy Example...get ready for bed nicely, SMILEY...brush teeth, SMILEY, no hitting, SMILEY...no screaming, SMILEY...if we had a problem with any of them, we took the SMILEY away. he was only allowed to miss 1-2 smileys, then he got his favorite snack, yep..lil debbies ( but only 1 or 1/2 a pack). well i hope this helps alil...Good luck, yer not alone. :)

Sounds like he has quite a temper. Have you tried either ignoring him, and keeping other kids away from him during this time, or separating him in his room where he can do no damage? He needs to understand that you will not approve of this behavior. He is doing it either for attention, or he just needs to learn to control his temper. He's pretty young, so if you can put him in a room by himself and not allow him to come out until he stops, that might help. Good Luck, I hope all goes well.

Dear P.,
I know you probably think spanking is not the answer because he is hitting. He needs to be spanked and it needs to be done right after he does it so he knows why he is being punished.
Also, make sure that your son sees you & your husband spending time together and sees your affection for eachother. Children need to know that Mommy & Daddy love eachother. L. J

I really like Dr. Sears' book, The Discipline Book. It's gentle and supportive, but also talks a lot about how to deal with this stuff.

http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Book-Better-Behaved-Chil...

Good luck!

Hi P.,

Whatever form of discipline you use, and I do think at this age time out is the most effective because 2 minutes seems like a million years, you have to do it every time. My friend even does time out on a thin mat that she can roll up and put in her child's back pack so that time out is the same place wherever they go. For physical aggression I don't think there needs to be a warning because he needs to mentally be able to draw a line between that behavior and the consequence. So if he hits a sibling, swoop in and put him right in time out. Every time. Even if it takes a million times. It's all about the repetition.

It is important to remember that his age and development factor into his behavior. He wasn't born with language or coping skills. When he gets frustrated or angry he doesn't have the ability, without being taught, how to identify his feelings and tell them to you. He also doesn't have the ability to just let things roll. So he is going to act out when frustrated. This is where you take the time to teach him those things so that when you give him a warning you can tell him what it is that you want him to do instead and he will know how to do it.

Take time when he is not in trouble and play with him in a constructive way. Play pretend with him, like house, or have a doll handy and say, "Look the baby is sad. He is crying because he didn't get to play with his toys." or any other scenario. Help identify feelings for him so that he can identify them for himself. Give him the language he needs to use. And then help him comfort the baby using gentle hands and soft words. Make it fun. Not only will it help him with his feelings, it will help him communicate them later. It will also introduce gentle, loving touch. That way when you give him a warning about his behavior, you can ask him, "Are you angry, are you sad? I need you to use your soft voice and gentle hands and tell me what is wrong instead of crying" A really smart mom on here told me that at your son's age a child better understands and is able to follow directions when you tell him what he SHOULD do, or what you want him to do instead of what he shouldn't. For example, instead of saying, "Don't run." saying "Walk, please." or instead of saying, "Stop screaming." saying, "Use your soft voice." You will have practiced so he will know what his soft voice is.

I listened to Martha, and tried it on my son (who sounded a lot like your son) and she was exactly right.

Hope this helps.

L.

Have no idea what your conversations have been like but I'm wondering if talking about ALTERNATIVES to the behavior is a part of that. If not, it NEEDS to be....over and over and over and over, UNTIL he gets it and does it.

Need to also figure out WHERE and WHO these behvaviors were picked up and put a screeching halt to it, one way or another. Make SURE it's not you or your husband or other sibilings! Discontinue watching ANY TV or shows that exhibit this kind of behavior. If they watch it, they think it's acceptable because you've ALLOWED them to watch it. How do people treat each other on the shows he's allowed to watch?

On top of that, RESPECT for authority needs to also be in the conversation. Make SURE you're consistent with discipline and/or behavior, otherwise, you won't have his respect and he knows you'll end up giving in.

I think one of the BIGGEST problems in society is people don't have conflict resolution skills. That's why you end up with violence, using a gun, etc. to "solve" the problem. People quit, companies, churches and relationships dissolve or split because no one knows HOW to resolve issues. Everyone seems to think they are entitled and their way is the only way no matter who they have to hurt or destroy in the process.

Relationships are about BUILDING, CARING, GROWING, WORKING THINGS OUT TOGETHER. There will ALWAYS be conflict so you need to learn EARLY on how to handle it.

Might want to also acquire a copy of RAISING RESPECTFUL CHILDREN.

My kids were worse at 3 than at the "terrible" twos. What worked for mine was taking away tv time. I only had to follow through once and they knew mom meant business. However, I am fairly strict to begin with and my kids are very girlie girls so you may need to talk to your pediatrician. One neighbor child was awful with tantrums at that age but it turned out he could barely hear due to frequent ear infections. When they gave him tubes in his ears he could hear, his speech improved and he could understand when mom said "no" whereas before he just felt everyone was ignoring him because he could not hear their responses. There may be other medical issues that could be going on that affect him. Good luck.