Need Advice on "Terrible-Two" Tantrums

I read a book called Parenting with Love and Logic. I used one thing from this book and it has seemed to work so far. My daughter would throw tantrums like no other, ignoring her wasnt working nor were normal time outs or telling her to stop or even spankings. This is what i used: Liberty would be having a tantrum, i would first ask her to stop the fit. When she didn't I would sweetly say to her " oh no, Liberty needs to have some alone time." I would scoop her up and take her to her room where she would be alone. I'd put her down on the floor nicly and tell her to please come play with us when she was sweet. She would come out sweet and loving after that. I do this every time now.

When you say discipline do you mean time out. This seems to be effective on most children if done properly. You cannot cave, stand firm and let her know who sets the rules. Ahh how you say, first start with time out, she is almost three it is three minutes in a chair. put it in a place where here after she does not feel she is being punished when she gpes there to play. the kitchen chair but not her bedroom. then you get to her eye level and let her know since she is not following rules or listening to what you say she has to be punished. no matter what every time she gets down put her back if it tales 10 times it may be exhausting but YOU must win the battle or she will not take you serious. Hard yes. but well worth the effort.
tell her everytime you misbehave you will have time out and STICK to it. DONT threaten and pass it by. also let her experience a bit of independence after all that is the object of parenting is to guide and teach they have to solo a little at a time YOU pick the situation though and let her know okay you can pick this or this start of with choices you select. If she throws a tantrum walk away and do not pay attention to her if at home. If out somewhere pick her up remove her to an area or leave and do the time out. you have got to even sit there until the time out ends you have to show her you will win not her. Good luck

I work with toddlers so I see quite a few tantrums. I have not read the other responses, but here is my advice:

At this age, your daughter has strong emotions and is not quite sure how to show or handle them. So, they erupt as tantrums. You can do several things to help her get through this time.

First, understand that she does not know how to effectively and appropriately handle all these strong emotions. This skill has to be taught. You can help her learn how to do this. It is a learning process. She may need some time to get the feelings out through a tantrum, just ignore it, let her do it and make sure she is safe. Definitely DO NOT give in. This teaches her that what she is dong effectively gets her what she wants.

After she is calm, calmly but firmly talk to her about her feelings. Say, "I understand that you are very sad/angry/mad. It is not ok to scream and behave that way. When you are angry/mad etc. you can use your words to tell me (or whatever you want the alternative behavior to be)." Basically, you are validating her feelings (remember, it is ok to feel that way, but there are appropriate and inappropriate ways of handling those feelings); telling her what is not acceptable; and then giving her an alternative and acceptable way of handling her feelings next time. Be consistent! Validating her feelings and using words to describe them helps her make sense of all the confusing emotions.

Before conflict arises, you can give her choices to avoid the unacceptable behavior. "Do you want to clean up your toys by yourself or do you want me to help you?" Either way she is cleaning up and it doesn't really matter if you help or not. Give her two choices that you are ok with and let her choose. Letting her have more choices throughout the day can help her feel a little more control over her world, but not an overwhelming amount. Other examples might be, "Would you like greenbeans or peas with our dinner tonight?" "Would you like to wear your blue pants or green shorts today?" Then, stick to your choices. If you see it may turn in to a tantrum then at least make her ask nicely (using her big girl voice). Don't let the fit be the last thing that made you fulfill her request.

I think one of the main keys here is to be consistent. You have to follow through with what you say. At her age, and any age really, a pat on the hand or time-out does not teach a child what they should be doing instead, only what they shouldn't do. Try to focus on what she CAN do, like "I can't let you have candy at the store, but we can have a snack in the car. Would you like a granola bar or fruit in the car?" Like I mentioned earlier, after she has thrown a tantrum and you ignore it, calmly but firmly tell her that she can use her words when she is angry to tell you how she feels. Give her examples of what she can say and practice saying them with her. When you see her start to get upset, you can calmly remind her what she can say. Then, figure out a solution that you can both agree on. This might sound like, "I understand you want to play outside right now. That does sound fun. Right now it's nap time and as soon as you wake up, we can get shoes on and go out. Would you like to even eat your snack outside too?"

Another thing that might help avoid some of these situations is telling her ahead of time what to expect. Like in the examples above, remind her BEFORE you get to the store that you are not buying candy. And, talk about the plan for the day in the morning, so she knows she can play outside after nap. Giving her an idea of what to expect ahead of time in most situations can help avoid tantrums.

Remember that having a strong will is not always a bad thing. Later in life, she will never be a pushover. Your job right now is to help her learn how to use that strong will in a useful and respectful way. As an adult, you would probably want her to be able to voice her strong opinion with co-workers respectfully without offending them, and also be able to get her ideas carried out. Think about what you can do NOW in order to hep her learn these skills. Help her to also learn about other's ideas and opinions as she grows. Look for opportunities where you can describe what another child may be feeling. For example, if at the playground you see another child get pushed or hurt, explain to her that the child must be feeling pretty sad right now. What's something you could do to help them feel better? Talking about and naming her emotions and other people's emotions (on TV, in public, etc) can help her work through this.

You can also model respectful and polite behavior in your tone of voice and they way you talk to her. This will be the best example for her.

Hope this helps a little, let me know if you want to talk more specifically about your daughter. I have helped many families with tantrums and it's great to see a positive result!

Best wishes! C.

I agree with the "Love and Logic" idea...great ideas to manipulate your child into thinking they have control when they are really choosing things that make little to no difference. You do have to do a lot of thinking outside the box. For instance, my two and half year old daughter refuses to hold my hand in parking lots so I give her choices of other things to hold onto, my purse, jacket, etc. She feels like she won b/c she didn't have to hold my hand. The key though is consistancy! After working all day I'm too exhausted to listen to her tantrums over milk vs. juice so I'll ask her to please go to her room and to come back and talk to me like a lady when she is done. Amazingly it usually works. Another phrase that seeem to get used on a daily basis is, "Please use words instead of tears". Getting a handle on the tantrums at home helps when we are in public but there are still good and bad days and occasionally some shopping trips cut short after some major compromising just to get to the car. My mom is often shocked that I talk to my daughter as though she is an adult but by compromising and giving her choices she feels empowered and respected.

We also start a lot of conversations with some deep breaths to help calm her down first.

We have the same tantruming issue with our 2-year-old and at home sometimes all you can do is ignore it or put them in a safe place. I try to talk to her if it is possible and sometimes asking her to look at me and getting her to look me in the eyes so I can explain the situation or offer and alternative really helps calm her down. You could practice the "look at mommy" and explaining things to her while she isn't upset, then when the time comes maybe it will help. Even though my daughter isn't really talking yet, she understands so much that sometimes I can talk her through it with an explanation. A friend with similiar issues recommended the book "Love and Logic Parenting," I've requested from the library, but haven't read it yet! What she said was most helpful for her from it, was giving your child LOTS and LOTS of choices, like to you want to put your pants on first or your shirt, do you want to change your diaper on the floor or the bed, do you want to wear the green shirt or blue, etc., etc. Lots of choices that are really unimportant, but give your child a sense of control of her life. She said then when it comes to something that you want/need her to do, like it's time for bed, and she says no, you say, "you made a lot of choices today, do you remember them?", then go over all the choices she got to make, and then say, "don't you think it's Mommy's turn to make a choice?" and then your choice is it's bedtime. My friend said this was a miracle-worker for her! I really think it's about giving them a sense of control as they are just starting to understand they are a separate person from you who can affect their own world. Giving her more control on the unimportant things can help her give in occasionally to you. So we're trying it, and hoping to read the book!

Hi A.,

I know it must be hard time for you. This is a difficult stage for both you and your daughter to get through. My Mom says that my sister also used to throw TERRIBLE tantrums as a toddler. She would lay down on the floor and kick, scream, and cry if she didn't get her way. And it didn't matter where she was. Needless to say, my Mom ended up leaving her at home with the older siblings often, and my sister still resents it to this day. Even now, they still are not very close. I tell you this story to try and convince you to do the opposite. I'm not suggesting you give your daughter everything she wants to avoid the tantrums, but just be patient with her during these times. I agree with the other moms in being compassionate. I know it's hard to give her a hug when she's acting like this, but if you do, she will come to realize that you love her unconditionally, no matter what, even if she is acting this way. It is especially important that you try and stay calm when she is having a tantrum. Speak to her in a calm manner. Be soothing to her, and she will learn from you. You can sing or hum a soothing lullaby to her. Some children readily respond to music rather than conversation. I know it may sound like a quirky idea singing a lullaby to a screaming toddler, but I have witnessed that this actually works for some kids. Unfortunately, other than that, you will have to live with some embarrassing situations every now and then until this phase passes. Different children have different temperaments. Just know that your child is not a bad kid. She's just going through a difficult time of trying to get some control in her life. This is a time which will really test your patience as a parent. I know you can get through it.

You have to watch Super Nanny. This looks like one of the regular problems she solves. The thing is, your daughter has learned how to take control of things. Because she can, she does. She needs to know her parents are in charge, not her. Time outs are the right thing to do, but you have to stick with it, even if it lasts for hours. Put her in her naughty chair and tell her she has to stay there for two minutes. Every time she gets out, put her back. Don't give up. This could take hours for her to decide it's better to sit there two minutes than it is to scream and yell and be put back over and over again. She needs to know that you and dad are in charge and you mean what you say. Once she knows that, she will actually feel more secure and be better behaved. As much as toddlers like to be in control, it also scares them because they are not equipped for that.

Sounds like she has combine her terrible two's with her horrible three's...The stubborn stuff usually comes with the three's...lol...I always thought three's were worse than two's...(got 4 kids, been there...).
My suggestions are to be consistant...find something and continue to do it...for EVERY problem... (time out, stand in the corner...). Make her look you in the eye...Tell her that her behavior is not acceptable...tell her in simple terms why...then ask her if she understands... If she looks away at all during this, make her regain eye contact and start again... This may seem stupid, but it has made a big difference with my younger kids... For one things it calms the situation usually...(Sometimes I have to take their hands in mind and hold them firmly to make them stay put..I've even gone to get them when they wouldn't come to me...If I say come here and they don't, I get them and bring them to the spot I told them to come to...). Talk in a calm, but stern voice, then give the punishment for the behavior...(I'm setting the timer for three minutes, you will stay in the corner until the timer beeps, if you talk or throw a fit, more time will be added...). It may not work at first very well, but after a while they get tired of it...My son frequently says "Oh no. not again...!" But he cools down and gets back on track... Mainly be consistant with whatever you do. Good luck.

I have to agree with Christine G. she said it all! This is an important step in your childs growth and you must set it the best for all of you for the future. Try everything Christine says and remember to be patient as there will still many trials for both of you. In the long run you and your daughter will have a great relationship and be able to talk about everything! Keep up the good work.

My daughter also had terrible temper fits about once a month. the only way to make her stop was to bear hug her on my lap. she would yell and scream along with fight for about 15-20 min then calm down. this lasted until she was 3 1/2 she still is stubborn but now is 28 and a vet. they all try our limit but do not give up. i would also let her pick out an outfit between 2 or 3. give her a few limited choices. i remember going out of a mall carrying her screaming help me when she was 2.

You're not alone!! That sounds totally normal for 2 1/2. 2 of my boys are very head strong and we've had many tantrums and I also struggled with taking them out in public (still do some days:)) We found that by offering LOTS of choices throughout the day really helped. Do you want the red or blue toothbrush? It's bed time...do you want to walk backwards or jump to your room. It took a bit for them to understand the idea of choices, but we stuck with it and it really worked well. The biggest thing was to give them control over what was going on. Giving a warning before doing something really helped, also. In 2 minutes, we're going to get ready for bed, or you can race your cars 1 more time before bed. The heads up really helped with the transition. As for out in public, just remember, you're not the only mom who's child is having a temper tantrum in public. I remember being in Target and my youngest threw a huge tantrum...I had the courage to haul all 3 kids out of the store, drove around for 20 minutes, so he (and I) could calm down, them we talked about appropriate behavior in the store and tried again. It worked! Trying to ignore the tantrums the best you can is the easiest. With one of my boys, I had to put him in his room and hold the door shut for him to throw a tantrum without hurting himself or anyone else. We had to remove everything except his bed and a few soft toys. It took a few months of consistently doing this, then, he was able to calm himself on his own without hurting anyone. It's a learning process and you'll have to just figure out the best way to help your daughter calm down. Hang in there, it will get easier. Some kids are just more head-strong than others.

I'm sure you're probably good at this already, but consistency helps a lot. It doesn't alleviate the tantrums, but it helps your toddler understand when she will not get her way and when she can.

I personally find that the earlier I catch it, the better it is (unless she's tired). So if she's geting close to doing something I don't like, I give her a reminder. Sometimes she still does it and gets the consequence but it keeps the tantrums down a bit. They still happen, but they are almost cursory at that point....like 'now I have to be mad, mom.' You may have a harder time watching her that closesly since you have two that age - whew!

Also, consider how much sugar she's getting and see if you might want to cut back. There's sugar in everything now (even ketchup) and they can get over sugared so easily. I know I feel jittery when I eat too much, and I can see it in my daughter too. Before I gave her sugar, she hardly ever had tantrums.

Another thing I find helpful is that I don't indulge the tantrums much. I frequently walk out of the room at home. They seem to need an audience to carry on and it calms it down sooner. Out in public, I let her throw it. Sure, it's a little embarrassing but anyone that's ever had a 2 year old knows that it's part of the cycle. Sometimes I carry her around as if nothing is going on (she's not a biter though) or I let her lie on the floor and kick for awhile as if it's no big deal.

It's still frustrating, don't get me wrong.... but maybe if you can get a little control and let go of a little worry you can find a mostly-happy middle ground before you lose your sanity. :)

I completely understand. I think my 27 month old started the "terrible-two's" at about 3 weeks old. She always wants things her way or no way. One thing that my husband and I try is to give her some choices. This seems to help her feel that she has some control over certain situations. Not too many choices, just two. Do you want the pink shirt or blue shirt? It takes some time to "train" them to comply with your wishes, but it can happen. Be patient and give her lots of love too!

Hi, A.. I know tantrums can be embarrassing and frustrating! I would decide on a method to use for discipline and stick to it in every situation. I would also let your daughter have her tantrum, but do not subject others to it- including yourself. When she starts throwing her tantrum, let her know if she does not get under control, she will go into another room until she is done. She can control how long it lasts, but she won't interfere with what is going on with you. You need to do your best to ignore her when she acts like that. I would guess that she does a lot of her fits for your benefit. If you are out in public, I would pick her up and take her to the car until she is done. If you need to stand outside of the car with her inside until she is done, that works too. This will teach her that she can control her own behavior, but her behavior will not control you. Good Luck!

Well, first off if you don't get some kind of control over this now, you are in for a long hard battle. This sounds like possible control/attention issues. I see that you are alone with two small kids alot of the time when your husband is gone. Do you have anything special that the two of you do together? Find something that she really enjoys, be it story time, or puzzles or coloring. Something that the baby is too young for so it could be just her and Mommy. Then use it to your advantage, if she throws a tantrum, she loses her special activity that day. She is young enough that she will probably outgrow this. Maybe toughening up on the time outs. You say that she looks at you and goes right back to what she was doing, don't let her. Make her sit, and yes this requires a great amount of effort at first, but if you are consistent she will learn. Good Luck.

Oh, I'm dreading this. My 11-mo old is already having fits so I'm trying to prepare myself! So far it sounds like people have made some great suggestions. One other thing I would add is something that I heard on the Family Life Today radio program. It concerns the being in public part. They said that you need to be consistent and explain your expectations and consequences very clearly beforehand. Young children can't understand broad concepts like "Be a good girl while we're in the store." And it's really not fair to punish them for something they don't really understand they are doing wrong. So they suggest if you are going somewhere, like to the grocery store, before you get out of the car, you address a specific issue you've been having like, "We are going into the store now. We are not buying any candy today. Please don't ask me for any. If you do, you'll have to go in time out when we get home." Then you ask them to repeat that back to you (if they are old enough). Basically break it down to their level so they know what you expect and what the consequences are. So when you go in and the child inevitably does whatever you don't want them to do, then you say, "You are asking me for candy. Before we came in the store, I told you if you asked for candy you would have to go time out when we get home." Then when you get home, put them in time out. This helps them understand that being in public doesn't change the rules. It's hard not to be embarrassed and give in when you are in public, but it's important to be consistent.

They also recommended giving your child the chance of a do-over, kind of like the other woman suggested where she said she took her kids out of the store, drove around, discussed the problem, and went back. That might be better for a child that young.

Hopefully this helps a little. I wish I could remember the name of the guest on the show and her book; I am wanting to get it myself. We'll see if I can adhere to this advice myself when we get to that age. :) Good luck!!!

My kids threw some big fits as well and my only advice is to remain consistant with your discipline. After a while it will sink in that mommy and daddy aren't playng around they mean business and the fits will fade. It will get better and then one day you'll be able to look back and laugh. Good luck!

My daughter is now three, but when she was about 18 months she started throwing HUGE tantrums. She would get so mad she'd make herself sick. This would make her even more mad. Then, she would throw herself backwards no matter where she was. She was usually on the hardwood floor. She did this when I was up to my elbows in raw chicken or something else that I couldn't help her while doing. She also did it in the middle of games or whatever, but mostly when she really wanted my attention. This is normal, but it really started to get to me. So, I decided not to deal with it. I told her this line every time she did it, "Brooklyn, you need to sit down until you can calm down." Then, I would take her to some corner out of the way and sit her on her bottom. When she was all done, she could come join us. This method took a LONG time to work, but we still use it today and it is very helpful. It doesn't stress me out and she knows that she can let her emotions out so long as she does it where she won't bother anybody else. Now that she has words she comes to me and says, "I'm all done crying, Mommy." Then we talk about what it was that bothered her. I couldn't (and still can't) understand a word she's saying during those fits. Sometiems if the fit isn't so bad (they have calmed tremendously) i will say, "Take a deep breath and use your words". That works too.

With my story out of the way, I'd like to say that you are about to get a bunch of advice. These kinds of questions get moms to thinking that they have all the answers or can at least help because we've all been there to some extent or another (or we've read a good book that will solve it all). Here is my advice. Take the advice you receive from this question that you think fits your personality the best. Then, BE CONSISTENT! This problem is going to take time - lots of it. And, just when you think you've got a handle on it, you are gonna feel like you are back in this boat because she is going to turn three (if two is bad, hold onto your hat for three!). So, take the advice that you like and be consistent over a LONG LONG period of time. I mean months, not days, because nothing is going to work after a few days.

Also, I have read a book called The Happiest Toddler on the Block. I read it and didn't necessarily believe in the methods it subscribes to, but I did like the insite on what my children (now 20 months and 3 1/2 yrs) are going through. I found it very insiteful and it might help you with the understanding as well. Also, I have heard TONS of moms who have used the method and found it helpful. It might work for you too. It just didn't match my personality, that's all :)

Good luck! The hardest job in the world is raising productive, happy, and well-rounded future citizens. You are doing a great job - it's just a very tough one.