Need Advice to Help My 4 Yr Old Cope with the Break Up

I am the parent of a 16 yr old daughter. I have raised her myself since she was 2. It seems the absent parent is always up on a pedistal to the child. They are not the ones making them learn the daily things kids have to learn. We went through this for years. I let her go most of the time when she wanted, and spent lots of holidays alone. She has in the last 5 years or so realized I am the parent that loves her unconcitionally and has sacraficed for her all these years. Hang in there. I know it seems like a long way off, but she will understand one day. Good luck

E.,
Boy oh boy What a mess for that little girl. I have been through a divorce myself, And I will have to agree with many others on here, if The father is a good father to her, then I would schedule a meeting with the 3 of you to sit down, if nothing else then have a metator there. A metator(or family counsler) is a third person that has no sides yours or the fathers, just the best interest of the child. I am not sure where you are but I know of one that is awesome around Springfield. You three need to discuss guidelines and discipline with your little one and agree to how you are going to handle situations with her. As for her calling you names, Dont take it to heart, But do let her know that she hurts your feelings when she says bad things to you. Most of it she is trying to fit in somewhere, and she is not sure where she fits in. Unfortunatly, she will play your three against each other at times, you all just need to realize that she wants the most attention from all of you. It sounds to me like you are a wonderful mother and you want what is best for her. But the Father needs to stop putting you down in front of the child. And the Step Mother needs to realize that she is just that the Step Mother. Right now She maybe just trying to win the childs love also and just does not realize that she is going about it all the wrong way. I certainly hope for your sake and the childs sake that this can be resolved. This is a rough time for the child, she is not only trying to figure out who she is but now where exactly she belongs with you and then over at her fathers' and soon to be step mom. I wish you all the luck in the world and Take a deap breath every now and then you will need it. May God Bless you. Let me know if you need any help with finding a third party and I can help you try and find one or let you know where you can look.
L.

It is probably a phase. My 4 year old has been doing the same thing...same type of situation...her dad and I split when she was 2, now he's getting remarried.
As for him telling you his fiancee is a better mother, that is out of line! I'd tell him that is not acceptable for him to say to you or your daughter. If he continues with stuff like that, I would go back to court and get the custody changed. My divorce decree provides a code of conduct that makes it illegal for my ex to say stuff like that.

HI E., First of all, your x doesn't need to discredit you as a parent. Second, the "soon-to-be stepmom" should be a friend to your daughter, not a "mom". Your daughter is playing the field when it comes to emotions, and I think maybe she is confused about the relationships. I would hope that your x and his fiance is not misleading the child. definitely monitor the situation. You may need to get legal advice.

I am sorry to hear that they are giving you such a hard time. If I were in your shoes I would call and set up a time that the 3 of you can meet without your daughter there. I would take this time to explain that you are all 3 going to be her parents and you need to have some consistancy for your daughters sake. There shouldn't be any hard feelings or your daughter is going to have a harder time adjusting to everything than she should have to, and they are not looking at the big picture. You all need to try to remain in her life as much together as possible because your daughter is going to need all of you to remain stable with all the changes in chilhood.
Good luck. For your daughter and your sake I hope you can all come to a peaceful resolution.

I am going through a similar situation with my two kids. I was married to their dad for 7 years. My boys are 6 and 3 (soon to be 4). I now hear whenever they are in trouble, want to do something, or DON'T want to do something that they want their dad. This is VERY frustrating. The only thing I can say is that you are doing the right thing by not getting her everything she wants...stay within YOUR budget. That's what I am doing and my kids are fine. It's a battle and with my kids I think they are trying to see how much I love them by getting them what they want but they know I love them MORE because I don't always get them what they want...if that makes any sense. THINGS aren't important...it's quality time with you and you being the best parent you can be. I think it sounds like you're doing a fine part. My kids have been going through this "phase" for about 6 months now. (I've been separated and/or divorced for 1.5 years.) The only thing I tell them is they need to love Jacky (their dad's gf of 4 years that I just found out about 6 months ago...keep in mind my youngest is only 3) because she treats them so well. What helped me in my situation also was I talked to Jacky and told her how much I appreciated she treats my kids as well as she does. She said it was no problem at all, they are good kids. It seems like things are actually BETTER, more comfortable I guess, between the 3 of us. On the other hand I know the boys absolutely ADORE the guy I'm dating now so that makes it easier too.

I don't know if this helped but if you have any more questions feel free to get ahold of me.

Good luck with this. It is hard but I'm sure it will pass...and remember...she loves YOU more than anything too!

B.

Have you tried to talk to both of them and explain that they are not helping your child any by encouraging this attitude? Regardless of who he sees, you will always be her mother, and it is not failing if you can't buy her everything in the world. She is at an age where she can't understand this yet, and it is not fair for them to use this manipulation against you.

Dear E.,
I've been there and understand how you feel, all you can do is the best you can. Your daughter is young and right now she maybe a little confused. I believe you must have faith in yourself. Your ex is wrong, but it seems you are powerless over his action, Have you tried explaining to him how things are. I know when I am upset I say so many things wrong, they don't come across correctly, or have you tried talking with his bride to be. Maybe you could try getting along with her, she is going to be the step mother of your child. When parents fight it just makes it harder on the child. I believe we all must remember who this is all about our children. What is best for them. Good luck and may God guide you in the right direction.

OH, honey! This just brought tears to my eyes. I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. That has got to be the worst gut wrenching feeling in the world. My advice is to stay strong. Put this in God's hands. You must be the one that is stable and sticks to their word. I would not stoop down to their level and start playing this game. She is the one that will be hurt in the end. I would make sure that when she says those awful things to you that you tell her how that makes you feel and that you will always love her with all of your heart. I will be praying for God to give you strength and patience through this.

Blessings,

M.

E.,

I know how your feel. It hurts when your child says mean things to you even to deep down you know they dont mean it. It still hurts no matter what. After reading all the great advice we all have said the same thing sit down and talk to them. My ex and I have a child together and I was the one that got remarried. We made a packed long before we ever broke up that no matter what we would never say bad things about one another to our son. He used to accuse me of using our son to show off. When it was not me. I was young when I had him and I let him live with his dads parents (where he lives today). Out of both parents (us) I am the one that see's and talks to him the most. He used to hold his dad up as this great guy till about a year ago. He finally realized that he was not his hero. He calles his step dad "dad" now. I think what hurts the most is that his father only comes around when he has a girl friend. He says he does not want any more kids and thinks I am crazy for having 3 others but that is the diffrence between us. He is now dating these women that have children around the same age as my son. I don't approve of it but what can you do! I am lucky as well. I NEVER have to talk to him :) Since he travels for his job he is never around to show up for all the basketball games, or the birthday parties. He tires to make it up for holidays and late bday presents. I sat back all those years and my son realized I was the more stable one that would be there regardless.

So I would diffently sit down with either your ex or both of them and tell them no matter what you are her bio parents. When it comes to any matters pertaining your child it is you and him. NOT her!! Tell him lets make a pack no matter how bad we hate each other we wont say bad things around or to our daughter. As for the new step mom has she ever had kids before? If no then what makes her such a good parent. Any body have have the title but it takes great people to actually be the role! She needs to calm down on the gift giving she won the approval of her boyfriends daughter. Now it is time to set into a schedule. If this does not work I would just go back to court and cut there visitation in down. There are awlays lessons to be learned :) GOOD LUCK!!