Need Advice with Mil - Am I Being Selfish or Overprotective???

Without knowing your mil and based only on what you've written I too would hesitate sending him. After I read Laurie A.'s response I have a different thought. I spent a month every summer with my grandparents from the time I could first remember (probably around age 6 or7) and loved it. We lived in the same town as them until I was 5 and so I knew them very well.

My mother and grandmother didn't much like each other back then and I think that's the reason we moved. But......I wasn't aware of their feelings until I was much older. My grandparents were clear with me that they were grandparents only. My parents and my grandparents were in agreement about my care.

If you trust them to keep him safe and have a firm agreement about the meds, and he doesn't miss school, I would let him go. You can keep touch by phone quite easily.

It's too bad you don't like the husband. If he's retired military, he probably has a strong code of ethics that I would admire. Your son may actually benefit from a more controlled environment with definite bed times and expectations for clean hands, clean his plate, etc. Often children who are anxious thrive in such conditions. This is not a comment on your way of living. It's a comment, that while you may resent such control, your son may not.

I don't know what you mean when you say he's militaristic. If you mean he's rigid and lacks patience that is a different matter. You have to trust your judgment. Since he's often not around, do you know how he would treat your son? :You said you trust him which sounds like he's OK with your son.

Your MIL sounds like what my crowd calls an "air head," meaning that common sense just isn't there. I'm guessing she needs her husband to keep her grounded and I'd feel more comfortable having him with them.
I'm guessing that if her husband knows your son is to have meds, he'll see that he gets them.

Anyway, I'd seriously consider letting him go.

Re: staying over on a school night. My grandkids don't stay over on a school night, as a general rule. At first I felt hurt, feeling like my daughter didn't trust me to get them to bed on time and to school. With experience I realized how much work it takes to manage them on a school night and am glad she set that rule.

My grandson is now 7 and did spend Wed. nights with me during the summer. He still spends Wed. nights with me and it's working out OK because we've established a routine. Being here isn't disruptive to his school routine. But I would not want him to stay over on a school night now and then. Perhaps, even tho she was upset at the time, she's more understanding now. Having him for 3 weeks will help her understand it, if anything will.

School is important and I would not like that she's not willing to consider it important. Perhaps she doesn't realize how much more information there is to learn in comparison to when she was in school. School attendance is much more important now than when I was in grade school. Missing a week would be stressful on a little boy already feeling stress.

And I absolutely would not like it if anyone talked with my child about doing something before talking with me. It was natural for me to talk with my daughter before making plans with my grandchildren. She goes one step further and requires that I tell her what we're doing while they're staying with me if it's something out of the ordinary and even if it's a spur of the moment plan to do something that will take a couple of hours. I have to respect her request tho I sometimes forget to call. The last time was when I took my 10 yo granddaughter ice skating.

Your mil has put you on the spot with your son. I'd have my husband talk with her about that and tell her to not ever do that again. Actually, both of you talk with her at the same time.

You are not being selfish or over protective. You're being a sensible mother who is aware that this decisions needs careful consideration.

Our school district has taken a very stern stand against vacations during school time. They are considered unexcused absences, and 5 days or more of unexcused absences gets you a visit from the law in the form of a truancy officer.
Your son is on medication for a reason, and whether she agrees with it or not, if your MIL will not see that he takes his medication, then he can't stay with/go with her.
As for your MIL's husband, I think you all need to get to know him better before you can decide whether he's a total jerk or a nice guy, and you need to know this BEFORE trips with the grandparents happen, and especially before he is supervising your kids.
I couldn't let my son spend much time away from me before his 10th birthday. He didn't want to spend time away either. Just in the last few years I've let him participate in an over night shut in/lock down at his taekwondo place. One night is one thing, 2 weeks I still could not do.
Your MIL needs to know she has to work within your set parameters.
These are your kids, and you are the parent now. She does NOT need to be pulling against your wishes.

I think your Husband should approach her and let her know how you and he feel. I would never let my child go on a trip during a school year unless it was with the school and I would go along too... and she's 13. I believe a child's education is extremely important and they should be at school everyday unless they have a doctor/dental appointment or a death in the family. I believe family vacations should be scheduled during school breaks.

Don't feel bad for being a great Mom!
Hope all goes well for you.

There's no reason for your mil to take your son on vacation. She sees him 6 months out of the year. It's not like she's a long distance gram who only gets to visit a week or two a year. She will not give your son his medication (no doubt on that one at all) and his behavior will be annoying to her husband which could cause stress for your son.

You can't not hurt her feelings since she's a drama queen. Just tell her thanks but no thanks and deal with the fall out after.

I am selfish and overprotective. I would not let him go unless I could also!!! I would not care what my MIL says. What I says goes with my kids not what she says. You are lucky that your MIL loves your children and wants to spend time with them. My MIL never even calls on her grandsons birthday.

Personally, I think it was sneaky to tell the "child" first. You are the parent. What you say goes. You need to put your foot down and tell her the way you want things done as far as the kids go. Your son cannot just go off those meds at a whim because 1 person thinks they are not needed. Your concerns are huge and you need to do what you feel is right for "your" children. She is an adult so she can take what you have to say, if she gets upset then let her be upset. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just stand your ground. She is obviously just thinking about what she wants and will do anything she can to get her way. It sounds like her new hubby does it to her all the time. So she inturn to feel some control is diverted it to your kids and your feelings. Just stand your ground.

So is this trip during the school year? If it is..then there is your answer...there is NO WAY that I would allow my child to be taken away from school for 2 weeks. Shoot tell Grandma that I will go with her on that Alaskan Cruise...and my husband is retired military so I will know how to get along with Step Grandpa...lol.
I would think that 2 weeks is a little too long for an 8 year old to be away from Mom and Dad and the security of home. Of COURSE your son thinks it sounds like a great idea!!! Who wouldn't? My 32 month old grandson would probably be really excited at the idea of staying a week here with me but I know it wouldnt work because he would never be willing to be away from his Mama for such a long time !! (The fact that he still nurses before naps and bedtime also would complicate matters!!!).
I would first, talk it over with your husband and make sure he is in agreement with you. Then I would step back and let HIM handle this with her....it is, after all HIS Mother!!! It isn't even necessary for him to outline all of the reasons that you all have decided not to include your son in their trip ( IF that is what you decide)....that will just lead to more and more discussion between the two of them and a chance for tempers to flare.
You are not going to change her basic way of dealing with your son...you can't convince her not to talk to him first about things, she has to see for herself the upset that she is causing. My main concern would be her unwillingness to give him the medications that he is taking while she is with him. I would be hesitant to let him spend 24 hours with them..much less 2 weeks!!!

You need to sit down with mil and have a talk. Maybe see a counselor together? She would help the 2 of you communicate. She is overstepping her bounds. 3 weeks is way too long for sonny to be gone from his parents, different if you all were going. Tell her that if she wants to take him next year, at 10, he can go on a 7 day trip. That's it. As far as during the school year- no way. By the way, mine are grown and I have 6 grands and would not think of doing what she is doing. Get your backbone adjusted, she knows she is manipulating you.

WHoa!
That's awfully young to be gone for so long. My 9yr old daughter flew cross-country with her Gram this summer, to visit my SIL in CA for a week. It was a fun trip for her and I had my misgivings about it, of course, but I let her go. It was wonderful for her. But, it was ALL family, and it was one week. In the summer. And she has no medication issues.

Our son is older, and he had gone on similar sounding trips as what your MIL is proposing... sort of. Hubby's aunt/uncle took him along with their grandson (who is the same age and they are great pals, though we live 5 hours away from all of them) for a week on the road. Drove up through VA and into D.C., etc. All total he was gone for about 10 days. Then, they did it AGAIN this summer.. D.C. and Eastern Shore, Chincateague Island, etc. again, 10 days or so. However, he was 11 and 12 when they took these trips, there was not another "couple" along, and the boys were together the entire trip, in the same room in hotels etc. The whole trip was "for" the boys, took them to the Smithsonian, etc. It was less a vacation for Aunt/Uncle than it was them wanting to take the boys to see a lot of stuff, including historical battlefields, etc (their grandson - our son's cousin- is very interested in Civil War history).

The first year I was leary, but he matured SO much while he was away. And yeah.. I missed him lots. BUT, he does not take ADHD medications. His only medications were daily allergy meds, and carrying his inhaler in the event of any asthma issues. Which his aunt has more experience with than WE do (she has it severely, and her eldest son has had it just about forever, along with allergies to just about everything), so I knew she would be on top of it. Certainly not trying to undermine anything. You MIL trying to undermine your son's ADHD treatment in and of itself is reason enough to say "no thank you". Knowing that she will do that, in combination with her overbearing/rigid husband's influence while your son goes unmedicated for 3 weeks is NOT something I would sign off on.

I'm curious, too... what is her hubby's take on the whole thing? He doesn't sound like much of a "kid lover". Is his only interest in taking your son so that his friends' grandson can be entertained and out of the way?
Just a thought....

I'd say no. You really don't have to go into any specifics about why, either. (I'd be really ticked about her telling your son before she had your okay, too, especially since she never spoke to you about it at all.) I would have your husband tell her that you just don't think it is the best for your son right now. The end. No need to say, we don't think you'll give him his meds, or that you think her husband is too gruff or rigid or whatever. A shorter trip when he is a little older might be something you could look at for next summer if she is still interested in including him in her travels then. :)

hth

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I wouldn't let him go either. That said, I think it is ok to let an older child go and younger child not as long as the younger child got some one on one time and/or got to do something similiar when they got older too.

I would tell her that you and your husband are not comfortable with you children being away from you for that long or at that distance or missing school for that long. You and your hubby should probably tell her that together. You should also mention that in the future, these types of invitations should be accepted by you before your children are told of them. IF you are ok with a weekend trip closer to home tell her that...with clear ground rules.

I'm all for adventure. Last year my 7 year old went to El Salvador with my MIL. I trusted her completely, and I believe in providing opportunites like this for your children (I'm sure many mommies think I did an irresponsible thing, but it was a fantastic experience -- and that's how my parents lived with us and it was the most incredible gift.)

With that said, I would not send my son anywhere with your MIL. It sounds like she's less than perfectly stable and not willing to observe your rules. It's also FINE for you to feel like your family is not ready for this kind of separation.

This is your child. Follow your gut and don't worry what she or anyone esle thinks. The last thing any mom needs in her life is regret. There will be plenty of opportunities for adventure on your terms.

Good luck.

A cruise is not somewhere I would want my kids to be without me. That might just be me? You are on a large boat with a lot of people, surrounded by water. Also, Alaska is a long way away from TN. I don't think you are being selfish or overprotective. I also don't think that 9 years old is old enough to go on a trip, that far away, without your parents. I guess I would approach it as if we can make the trip when school is out (for you and your son) then you would all go on the cruise together. Has your son ever been on a cruise? How do you know how he will do on a cruise? And the step FIL would be another issue with me. If you don't like him why would you want your son to spend a couple of weeks with him? I wouldn't, and I wouldn't care if he was married to my mil. lol And what about these people they are visiting in Portland? Do you know them? That would be weird for me as well. And then there is the med issue. She doesn't think he needs them? What if she tells him not to take them and he has a sudden outburst in the middle of the ocean? God only knows what could happen. All I know is, if you give in to this trip, it sounds like there will be more of this expecting him to be able to go ANYWHERE with grandma stuff. If you let him go to Alaska with her ...how will you ever be able to say no to her when other trips pop up? I would just tell her flat out you are not comfortable with him being so far away without you or your husband. You need to make sure your husband is on board with it (no pun intended). I would not want my kids to go on such a far away trip without me and I love my mil too but ...forget it. I don't think you are being overprotective, I think you are being a good mom. Overprotective would be if she wanted to take him to the zoo and you wouldn't let him go with her. If you don't feel right about it, don't let him go. You will never forgive yourself if something happens and you didn't want him to go but gave in to the pressure.

In a general sense I don't agree with many adhd meds either (for children). That being said, YOU are the mom. You are the one who has done the "due diligence" on all these issues, and you are the one in the best position to know all the facts. You (and your husband) are responsible and therefore you have the power to decide.

It sounds like you are trying very hard to be fair and reasonable with your MIL. Trust your own instincts. It would concern me if my mom or MIL planted seeds about a trip without talking to me first. That undermines our authority as parents. My grandparents would have never done such a thing and this next generation of grandparents needs to recognize their place (as cherished as it is).

Good luck - again, it sounds to me like you are trying to be loving, fair and reasonable.

First, this is your mother in law....you and your husband discuss the issue together, make sure you are both in agreement on what you should do and then do one of 2 things....let your husband deal with his mother and leave you out of it, OR go to her in a united front - without the kids. You may want to get a sitter and take the MIL and her new husband out to dinner to discuss these things....

I love my MIL and FIL dearly, there have been some VERY rocky issues between my MIL and I over the years. It didn't take me long to realize that the best way to "deal" with my MIL was to let my husband "deal" with her. Yes, there are times that he is unable to handle sticky situations (like when he is out of the country) - and then I will deal with them...but generally, I let him handle is parents and I deal with mine.

In the end, these are your kids, you and your husband need to decide what is the best for them.

Good luck,
T.

K, first of all, you are an excellent Mother.

Next, I would not send my child on a cruise with ANYONE other than me of course for WEEKS, probably not even his father (tehehe).

But none of that matters since, technically it's against the LAW to take your child out of school for vacation (true I have taken kids out of school for small short things other than drs appts and illness).

But for me it would just be a no go because of the missing school thing. It would be singularly about taking him out of school for so long...no reflection on her there. It's just plain against the rules is all.

You are definitely not being overprotective!! It is your job to take care of your kids and you should follow your instincts that these are not good ideas your MIL is suggesting!! There is a lot of good advice from other moms here so I won't repeat. I just wanted to say that from your post it seems like it is really bothering you that your MIL does these things. While you cannot control your MIL, you can control your response to the situation and how you feel inside. So don't let this stuff that she does get to you!! (E.g., not talking to you for 2 weeks and saying you don't love her because you wouldn't let your son spend the night on a school night. It is ridiculous that she doesn't understand that and her response seems like she is just trying to illicit a response from you. Don't give her one!) It seems like your MIL has problems with your/your family's boundaries. You just need to set the boundaries and stick with them. She will learn.
Trust your instincts and good luck!!

I would tell her no. He can't go during the school year. School comes end of discussion. If she wanted to go on a cruise during the summer for a week. That would be fine.

She seems only to be able to see her point of view.
Please try to work it out. I wish I had a better relationship with my MIL and now she is dying from cancer. The cancer has gone into all her bones and brain.
Try to come up with a solution that everyone will be happy with.

I do not think you are being too sensitive. I had a wonderful relationship with my mother in law, as a matter of fact I cared for her in my home when she was terminally ill. I truly loved her as a mother. Difference was she totally respected me as a woman, a mother, and she never tried to undermine me, she her place as grandma. She really was one in a million, and I mourn her everyday. Your mother in law although seems like she loves her family, and has great intensions, in my opinion does not know where to draw the line. Therefore, I like you do not trust that she will honor your wishes and decisions while your son is in her care. The medication situation is big to me. And I am confident that it would be very dangerous to your son to abruptly just stop his medicine, which if she feels about it the way you said she does I am sure she will stop giving it to him. I think you need to have hubby set some boundaries with mom. Coming from him it may be better received. The whole blood is thicker then water def applies here. Grandparents need to realize that they had their turn to raise their children, and unless their grandchildren are in harms way they need to learn to keep their opinions to themselves. I would not feel comfortable sending my son. As far as not taking your daughter, I get what one poster said about this is life and she has to learn and all that, but I think if grandma chooses one grandchild and leaves one home, how could the child feel being left behind anything but rejection. Sorry, but I was very overprotective of my children so maybe I am not the right person to comment. Good luck!!

I would just tell MIL that your son's school will not allow him to be gone that long - if he misses that much school he could be made to repeat the year. Put the blame on the school rather than taking all the heat yourself.

(Some might disagree with this but I found it very helpful when my mother was in a nursing home for hospice care and was making all kinds of unreasonable demands and getting angry when I told her I couldn't fulfill them - the staff told me to just tell her it was against the rules and let her be angry with them instead of me. I realize it's not exactly the same situation but you get the idea.)

It's wonderful that she wants to do these things, but I agree, she is overstepping her boundaries and you have every right to be frustrated. I would agree that it would be best if both you and hubs sat down and had a talk with her together, so it's not just coming from you. You may need to gently but firmly remind her that YOU are the mom - she's raised her kids, and her only concern at this point should be enjoying her grandkids. You are doing what you feel is best for your son and she needs to just support you in that regard. Otherwise she is crossing the line. If she gets all bent out of shape about it, too bad. On some level she is choosing to respond that way and you can't always feel guilty over it.

If you want to give your son an adventure away from home, look into summer camp. He could go during summer vacation and not miss school. They should be great about making sure he stays on his meds and give him a really positive experience. And he can just go for a week at time and not be gone 3 weeks. Plus, you MIL can pay for it if she wants to.

I do realize it is hard to let your kids go on trips, especially long ones right off the bat, but if you consisitently deny him being able to go, he could rebel soon. My son has a friend who is a little less than a year older than him. My son is 16 and has his drivers license, he got his permit before his friend also. The other parents reasoning has always been I am just not ready to let him go. The older daughter had never gotten her permit while in high school, she went to college and got her license after her first year of college. It was the same reason, she was not ready to her go. The parents never allowed the children to ride in another teens car. What ends up happening is that they rebel and start to do things behind the parents backs. This is true for all children, and people. Look at adult drivers, the speed limit is 55 but how many ppl really do that consistently? Wehave 3 sons that are now 23,19 and 16. We have found that allowing them to do things that we may not always agree are the best it helps them to see that for every action there is a reaction. As far as your son's meds, you could explain that his medicine is important and without it his behavior is not good. You can also explain to him that grandma may try to get him to not take it because she does not think it is necessary. If he knows how important it is he may be more willing to initiate taking it properly. As far as your FIL, explain to your son that he is used to doing things very differently than he is used to, so he needs to really listen and try to do as he is asked the first time he is asked to make the time with him more pleasant. Learning to do this will also prepare him to deal with other people that he will encounter during his lifetime that are not so easy to get along with.

I know you will miss him but it will also give you an opportunity to spend some one on one time with your younger daughter. See this as an opportunity to let your son grow up and experience things that most kids his age never get to experience. It will also give your daughter something she probably does not get very often, an extended one on one time with parents.

God Bless and Good Luck!

I have not read all the answers but the cruise is not the problem. The main problem is that your mil will not follow your parenting decisions; she is usurping your authority and you and your husband are letting her. If she will not support your decision to treat your child's medical condition and respect the importance you place on his education, she should not get any privileges with him. It's not a question of feelings but of boundaries and you and your husband are not clearly setting and enforcing that you are the parents. Until you do that, the subject may change but the behavior will not. It's your job to put your son's needs ahead of her wants. The sooner you start and the more consistent you are, the quicker you will have success.

Hi,

I understand your dilemma. But you should never give in to be polite! He is your child--not hers. Talk with her and tell her you appreciate her advice about the trip but you will need to discuss it with your husband. Ask her in the future to not ask your son if he wants to go, she needs to talk to you first! he is a child and of course he is going to say yes! You are the parent and even though she is the grandma, your the parent and make all of the decisions.

As for the trip, I think your concerns are very valid and I would not allow my son to go either-- it is way to far away and your daughter would feel left out. Sit down with her and tell her you and your hubby decided that your son will not be going. Tell her you appreciate her thoughtfulness but he is too young. She doesn't have to like your decision or agree with it. You don't need to explain any further. Your the parent. Let her have her feelings-but you don't have to stay and listen to her blab about you not loving her etc. She is playing a power trip game with you- and testing you. Its time to end it.

M

first off whats the big deal about him spending the school night at his gmas? if she gets him to school and to bed at a reasonable house who cares? my daughter spends at least one week night at her grandparents. hes not too young to be gone away from you that long my 6 year old was gone from me for a week and didnt want to come home she had such a good time with grandma! what do your kids think about your mils hubby do they think hes mean if so then i would worry about it but if not then let it go and dont let your kids see you react to him like that. let the kid go to alaska this is pretty much a once in a life time thing and hes old enough to appreciate it!