Need Advise for Out of Control Daughters

I would get them some councelling. I would also back off of your relationship with your boyfriend in front of the children. They are in turmoil, and they need you right now, and you need to put your focus on them, and making sure that they are alright.
Trust me, I am not speaking from a high horse, I am speaking from experience.
My two oldest girls live with their father. They are 13 and 10. Not only were they unhappy with my new relationship, but it was fueled by thier father, who doesn't want to see me happy, but what it really all came down to, is they wanted me.
When they act out like that, it's a cry for help, not only professionally, but for you.
I now understand that my happiness doesn't matter as much as theirs, and that when I decided to have children, I made a commitment to them above anybody else, and I didn't see that. All I saw was why can't I be happy, and what about me.
My 13 year old will not even talk to me right now, because she feels like she was abandoned.
They only want us around for a short time, and then they don't, just like that. I wish I would have held her more, and read her more stories, and just listened to her.
If this man loves you, than he will back off, and not force himself into their lives. Let the wounds between you heal, and over time they will.
Get a babysitter twice a month, and go out with your boyfriend, but keep it seperate, and one day, they will be ready for you to have one.
You can hear what I say or not, but there is a hole in my heart where I wish my daughter was.

I don't have advice, per se, however, I do have an observation--you say that your youngest does not live with you. I assume that this means she lives with her father--your ex boyfriend. In the eyes of your older daughters this looks like he wants her, but not them. They are too young to understand that biology and the legal system play a part in where your youngest lives. It is a similar process as when children blame themselves when their parents divorce.

You also say that their biological father is not in their lives--this is now two different men who have left them with the mistaken impression that they are not worthy of a father's love and commitment to them. It is no surprise that they are resisting the idea of your new boyfriend. Why would anyone want to be seen as unworthy a third time?
Have you or anyone in their lives let them know that it is okay to be angry, that the anger is a normal reaction to this situation? The anger is how their hurt is being expressed. Most of us--adults included--tend to behave as if the person or situation we are angry about is WRONG WRONG WRONG!! It takes some effort to look within at what hurts and expressing that. We are almost trained in this country to look at who or what can we blame. There is no power in blame, however there is power and strength in being able to authentically feel what you feel. ( if that makes sense )

I recommend taking things slowly with your new boyfriend. Allow your daughters to make up their own minds about him. And good luck.

Treat this like you just became divorced, because to your daughters it is as devastating as a divorce is among married couples. They probably see you as the reason for the breakup and so they are angry as heck. Because they blame you, they are not listening. They have lost respect for you because of this. They obviously love their dad very much - as much as they love you - so they are acting out their pain and grief. They probably see you as betraying the family in some ways. I suggest counseling for them. Make sure that you make visitation arrangements that work for everyone and assure them that he won't be out of their lives permanently. This is a very serious family breakup, and needs to be treated as such.

I am not an expert in this, but I can see from my own life (this having happened to me as a child) WHY they are acting out. Their stability is gone. That being said, they are angry and feel a sense of abandonment and loss.

What worked for me as a child was consistant hands-on love and consistant boundaries; with a direct cause-and-effect discipline method. My mom became overly-active in my life, almost as if to prove that SHE wasn't going anywhere and that WE were always going to be a team.

I know this worked for me as a child, but every child is different as we all know.

Jillian has given you great advice and ideas. And when advice is based on personal experience it's even better. But as she says every child is different. Every child in your situation will feel fear and anger. They still need discipline (not punishment) as well as understanding. To work effectively the discipline needs to be consistent in manner as well as enforcement. And it needs to given in love, not anger.

Sometimes, when I'm watching my grandchildren and I've reached the point that I feel that I can no longer deal in a calm way usually when they're hyper and bouncing off the walls) I tell them to go to their room until I'm more calm. Then when I am calm I tell them what their consequence is. Often just sending them to their room has ended the problem. If they come out calm and remain calm while I talk with them about what has happened there is no need for a consequence.

I recommend a book by Foster Cline entitled Love and Logic. http:www.loveandlogic.com/
This address works for me. I don't understand why it won't be shown in blue.

This is a very stressful time for all of you. Perhaps having a new boyfriend is helpful to you and does help the girls in that he does do things with them. But his presence most likely adds to their sense of insecurity. Two father figures have left. When will this one leave too? They may not have the sense that you, alone, can take care of them. They need lots of reassurance and stability coming from you at a time when you are building a relationship and naturally focusing a large part of your attention on him. I'm not suggesting that you "get rid" of him. I'm suggesting that if you are aware of this need for your children to have more of you, you can focus more on them.

I have been at my wits end often. I learned that I must deal with the problem before I reach that point. One way is to have a family meeting. Decide what rules to have and what the consequences will be. Write them down. It might be best to have one of the girls to write them down. The more that the girls are involved in deciding on the rules the more apt they are to abide by them. And then be consistent about enforcing the rules. And enforce it before you get upset or angry. It' the guidance with love that builds a sense of security.

Your girl's might also benefit from counseling. They have lost 2 dads and a sister. That must hurt an awful lot. Same goes for you. A counselor can teach ways to deal with all that anger in a more positive way. Counseling may be available at school or a county office if you don't have insurance.

You are all grieving. Therapists say that it takes 1-2 years for grief to resolve. Grief counseling has helped me to heal 3 years after the event.

My heart goes out to you. M.

Hi B., sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. they are acting out because the stability they had as a father figure has left.maybe sit down with them and explain that this is no way their fault,but that things just did not work out between you both.is the father of your older one's in the picture? if so maybe work something out with him so that the older one's can spend some time with him even if you have to split the costs for travel or air or bus.during the summers. if not just try to understand that their little worlds have taken a turn.and don't push the new boyfriend on them, let them come to him on their time. be consistent with the punishment but with love but firm.consistency, consistency will pay off. you lack you loose the control. don't give up mom it will work it self out, be patient. just remember mom they are going to be hesitant because they don't know if this new boyfriend will stay around.you are a great mother. so take it day by day.good luck! ~L.~

I felt the same way when my mother left my father.

There is a sense of betrayal and loss.

Be patient, talk to them, and though you've told them that you 'can't be together', make sure they know that you are sorry. Take some responsibility for actions made. It might make them feel better.

Also... especially for your older two who are absolutely of communicating age... Try family therapy. It sounds as if they're expressing their feelings through anger and rebellion. Give them a healthier alternative.

Therapists can be great. Don't go to anyone you know. Make sure he/she can become a party in the middle that can mediate between you and your girls.

Wow, how sad for your daughters. It sounds like they are desperate (trying to hurt themselves). This probably isn't what you want to hear, but it sounds like they are responding to an out of control situation, where boyfriends come before they do. It's pretty much a guarantee that they are going to be having sex sooner rather than later, and looking for father figures via boyfriends, and aren't going to be able to pick good ones. Their lives should be joyful and simple, with at least one parent who has them as a priority and spends time with them, rather than the latest stud. Do they have stable grandparents or other extended family role models they could spend more time with? My heart breaks for these girls, and it's easy to see that they are going to follow the same pattern for their own lives. They deserve better. I'm sure I sound harsh, but this is how I see it, and we only have to look around our society to see how kids from these situations end up (drugs, sex, poverty, depression, bad relationships, suicide, etc.) I wish you all the best; these girls don't need punishments, they need stability and a mother.