Need Advise Raising a Teenager

I just want to say that I'm having the same exact problem with my 13 year old daughter. She's got an F in two of her classes, and grades have been a variety of A's-F's for the last three quarters too. I just got her report card. I've grounded her in the past, and she improved. But then she slipped again. I just informed her that she's grounded again. She's mad because the last school dance is coming up. She hasn't anything more than leave me alone the past two days. I'm upset with the school as well as you are. The teachers just don't seem to be much help. It's not like when I was in school. I dreaded bad grades not from my parents, but from the teachers. In high school when I chose to fail geometry, my teacher helped me! I got a C instead of an F. I fear for how she's going to do in high school this fall. She signed up for French! She's a good kid too, just strong willed. I'm sorry I don't have anything solid to advise. I guess I just want to say you're not alone, and if you find out something helpful, let me know! Thanks.

I am a teacher and a mother of one four year old girl... I was raised with an iron fist and it was good and bad... I made different choices for my daughter and my students... but I had to teach myself a completely new approach... so far we are having excellent results...I have found parenting books to be very very helpful... Go to a bookstore and find a couple that focus on learning through natural consequences... The following list are some of my favorites:

How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk

Raising Emotionally Healthy Children

Parenting With Love and Logic

The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears

good luck...

Although I'm sure that everything he's doing is normal, I'd suggest getting him to a counselor soon. I also recommend contacting Big Brother, or some other mentoring organization. Especially considering that he doesn’t have a father to look up to, or talk about the “guy stuff” with, he needs a male role model to look up to. Try www.BBBS.org or www.calmentor.com (California Mentor Foundation) or Google “mentors for teenage boys”, which got 605,000 hits. In reference to the counselor, I think he may benefit from finding a male, preferably one that shares your faith. You may be able to talk to the pastor at Calvary Chapel to see if he does Counseling. Some pastors prefer not to, but many do and for much less than you get charged by insurance.

May I also encourage you to get back into church? I know that it sounds as if life has thrown you some REAL curve balls. I also know that God will never give you more than you can bear. (Paraphrased from 1 Cor. 10:13) If these curve balls are why you aren’t connected to the church, then maybe Calvary Chapel doesn’t “fit” anymore. One of my friends couldn't handle coming to our church anymore when she and her hubby had separated, then divorced. She said that she felt people were judging her because she was getting divorced, and “that’s not Christian”. Guess what! NEITHER IS JUDGING OTHERS!!! (“Do not judge lest you be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by you standard of measure, it will be measured to you.” Matt 7:1-3.) If this has anything to do with you feeling disconnected, than try some other churches in the area out. They don’t yet know your history, and your future is a mystery. Get your children’s feed back as well. I believe that it is important to have a church that the WHOLE family feels comfortable with. Even if you don’t go every week, having a place that the kids can feel “plugged in” can do tremendous things for their choices and self-esteem. The closest friends I have now are from the church I went to youth group at during high school. (It’s also how I met my husband! :o) ) Giving them a place to “go hang with their friends”, during the week, in an environment you KNOW is safe can do wonderful things for them. (And maybe you too! Who doesn’t want Mommy time?!) I will keep you, your son, and your daughters in my prayers when I think of it.

Please don’t feel that I am one of those “Bible Thumping Christians”. I go to church on Sunday only once in a while, and I had to look up the verses I wanted to include. I am just very connected to the church through mid week activities. Had I not seen you describe yourself as a Christian, I would have written this message in the same manor.

Anyway, I hope it all goes well for you. Gob bless and keep us posted. -J

I truly know how little time there is, but this book is so helpful. It's called Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. She also has ones called Positive Dis. for Teenagers, and Pos. Dis. for Single Parents. It's for teachers and parents. She is the mother of 7 and grandmother of 13. She teaches that misbehavior is a sign of discouragement. She teaches how to encourage children. I'll bet your library has it.

Hi D.,
My strongest suggestion to you would be to contact big brothers and big sisters. He sounds like he just needs a little guidance and with you being a single mom (I've been there), it's hard for you to be both mom and dad as you need to be. BBBS is a great organization that will match your son with a male role model who will spend one on one time with him each week. A really good friend of mine was having the same sort of problem and her son's big brother stepped in and taught him that regardless of how frustrated you get with your mom, she's still your mom and you respect her. It also gave him another outlet to talk about things he was uncomfortable talking to a woman about. I know my own son has a really hard time talking to me about things like puberty but he'll talk to his dad about those things. I hope this helps you!

Steph

Hi D., I feel for you Sister. I am having some trouble with my almost 13 yr. old son. As a matter of fact it seems as though you were describing my son. I had the same issue w/ my son's school not responding to my many many pleas for assistance. Nothing has ever been done. I just gave up. Calvary Chapel is a great church and I am sure that you may be able to seek guidance from one of the many people who attend. I know that they have classes and activities for both you and your children. Like I said my boy is the same way and his father and I are together. I will keep your little family in my prayers.

Hi D.,

This is really the make or break point for your son - sad but true - the whole concept of jr. high really sucks - seen so many good kids throw away their futures there... I would consider transferring him to a new school and having him start fresh...

remind him that he is setting the example for the younger two - and that his education is his greatest asset in life - no one can take it away and that it will open the doors for him to have the financial stability to enjoy a long happy life.

keep on top of his school work - find out if the school is enrolled in school-loop - if not - demand a weekly progress report from the teachers - make sure he catches up on all missed work on the weekend - might mean no sports, TV, etc..

Yes, the other kids are going to suffer a bit - just the reality of single momming it - when my teen is being punished the other 3 have to sit around - but in a way - it gets her off her butt because she feels bad for them...

Keep the respect level at home as high as you can - treat him with respect and he will treat you respect as well. Because my children also don't have a father the respect thing is big in my house. There is no man around to bark orders and put the kids at attention - I will never be a man - so we focus on respect when we talk - - - it helps...

Ugh!! I know how you feel. I'm also a single mom raising 2 daughters and pregnant with a boy. My oldest is 14 and is attending middle school. She does good in school so I have no problem with that but it's what she does outside of school is what bothers me! So I've had to put her in after school activities to take of that problem.
There is no right or wrong way of raising a child. We learn as we go! Nobody is a perfect parent.
As for his behavior at school, I have a few ideas of what the problems might be. It could be the teachers that he doesn't like, or maybe some of the students, or maybe the classes are not challenging enough for him.
The reason why I say this is because my 10 year old was not doing well in school and it was because of the teacher and some of the students that were bothering her. Although I talked to the principal at school about the problem he didn't seem to care. So I moved her to another school and put her in an aftershool program that the city provides called CDC and got her a tutor for her homework. I have to tell you the improvement from last year to this year is incrediable. Also I have kept great communication with her teacher and he's great in helping me with her and giving great advice. There are just some teachers that don't care.
So just keep trying to talk to him and ask him what the problem is and maybe say "well son maybe we can change schools so you can have a fresh start" because maybe the problem is to embarrsing for him to tell you or anyone else.

My 2 daughters are from a previous relationship and their father is rarely involved in their lives. I've been doing this on my own and it's been hard and I know my daughters do wish their dad was there but overall they've done good without him.

So give yourself a pat on the back because you're doing a great job and your kids know that. They might not always express it because after all they are just kids but in their hearts they do know.

I hope this helps and feel free to contact me anytime.

S.

Hi D., I just wanted to let you know you are not alone out there!! I also have a 12 year old in the 6th grade with many of the same problems. He is failing all his classes and just got suspended for fighting at school. My sons dad is kind in and out and its sad to say but he des better when he is out. Unfortunatly I have not found any tricks to cure the trouble we are having, but I have found that sticking to the rules works the best!! Put together a set of guid lines.. If you do/don't do this... this will happen.. and STICK TO IT!! With NO EXCEPTIONS!! for example.. my son is on a daily performance log at school.. he has to take a piece of paper to every teacher every day and get it filled out.. If he comes home and 1 teacher has not sighned or he gets a bad remark he runs 1 mile and spends the rest of the day sittin on his bed with no radio or TV or cell phone.. HE HATES THAT!! sometimes he comes home with an excuse.. well my substitute would not fill it out... I just tell him that regaurdless of the reason he still has to pay the conciqunce.. His behavior at school has gotten better and because he gets bad marks for not turning in homework his grades are starting to improve. You just have to STICK TO THE RULES with NO EXCEPTIONS!!! regaurdles of what they are! Good luck! and PLEASE share with me any tricks that you have used that worked or didn't! Together us single parents can raise great young men!! Tiff

hun its a hard age i have a 14 yr old girl whos doing everythang she not supposed to so i ubnderstand we have my daughter in counseling and after school activitys the that keep her mind busy

I think that it is hard enough being a young teenage today, let alone having trouble in school. I would like to refer you to www.referralco-op.com for your son to have a 25 minute free tutoring session from your home computer, anytime 24/7. This is for all students 4th through 12th grade. There is time to brush up on subjects from last year to prepare for fall 2008 school year which will be here before he (and you) know it. It will help his self-esteem to start to be more successful in school and then I would help him find what really interests him - what he is passionate about (whatever that may be) I would make it my mission as a mom to help him have activities that are in that field. He is also getting to an age where he can volunteer, and volunteering in somewhere that he can have a positive effect in the lives of others is a sure way to have a positive effect in his own life. Your church may be able to help with the volunteering as well. God bless you all. All will be well.

Hi D., my name is C.. I was reading your request for help for a teenager and like a mom myself i went throught some of the same things you are going through with your son. My son is 16yrs. old and he was giving my all types of problems at first, then he just grow out of it. I am not sure what the problem is with these teenagers but at a certain age they seems to go through this little tough guy stage and get to the point where they want to talk back, somewhat be a big bully and other little things they call themselves going through at the time. Just give him a little time and he will grow out of it. My son wasn't the only one a couple of other girlfriends sons were going through it as well and they all have grown out of it. It isn't any thing your doing, i think it's just a way of call thereselves finding themself. My sister son is acting out the same way as we speak, so your not alone. You know the school tried to put him on drugs, i can't think of the name of the stuff they were trying to give him but he didn't like it. He had tried it because he had seen that he was going through something and after mybe a couple of weeks taking it, he didn't like it or the way it made him feel. He said that it made him feel really sad and other little side affects that it was giving him, so i took my son off that mess. Your son will be alright just bear with him and you will see.

Hi D., I live in S.E.M. too. and have the same problem, maybe we should move!! jk. My oldest daughter is also failing most of her classes. She is in high school. I dont have the behavioral prolems, shes a good girl. Her last report card had 2 fails, but this one that just came is fails all the way down!! We've done the counsling, we've done therapy!! but the problem with that is that she doesnt have a real problem, but the fact that shes being lazy. In the past I would just take away a few items like a cell phone, or no friends over. This time I took it all...no cell phone, no house phone, no internet, no friends over, no going over friends, the only rights she has is breathing and school. I guess because there are no major underlining problems, this method seems to have worked. She's been doing homework, and extra school work. She's been attending Saturday school every Saturday. I really hope this continues. Maybe this would work for your son. I do have to say that the advise on getting counsling is good. For some reason our kids are more willing to talk to a stranger about what bothers them, than to us.

Dear D.,

I have been thinking about you and your teen son all day. At first this morning I just had no idea how in the world to give you any guidance. It is a very seriously hard problem that the two of you have together - you and your son both have this problem. You have to work it out together - he just will not cooperate if he is forced, harrassed, or feel put down. He has to feel that you respect and support him, being angry at all with him is not the way to fill his heart with confidence. O.K.?

You both, and maybe the 11 year old too, if your son agrees, need to sit down to make a plan for him. Talk about what he loves to do, what he is truly comfortable doing, what he wants to do with the rest of his life. Just talk, talk, talk, and listen, listen, listen. It may take a while to come up with a plan.

One part of a plan could be for you to find a tutor for him. Not anyone grouchy or mean, But maybe a high school jr. or sr. Someone that your son respects, and that has good grades. I don't know if you can pay a little or not. If you can't, then ask around in your church.

The reason that I came to this idea is that I was asking one of my husband's daughters how a teen in the family was doing now. She wasn't doing her homework, she was so far behind that she couldn't possible catch up by herself, and her parents couldn't help with the algebra or the Spanish - So now, many months later, she is getting decent grades =Cees are fine - and is enjoying h.s.. You could try it.
Good Luck, C. N.

I am raising two boys myself. I have nine year old really tested the water at home and school last year. I thought that I was going to loose it or him to the bad influences of the world. Only by the Grace from God, I was able to get him in counciling. My son has not seen his father since he was 3 years old. Since he has been in counciling,he is able express his positive and negatives feelings to me where I can understand. His feeling was that of abandonment from his father. Jealousy of the other kids who fathers would pick them up from school, or playing at the park. What an awful feeling for a young child, teenager, and even adults to feel abandoned(even if they do not relize God has never abandonded them).

Seek someone who you trust to speak with your child and vice-verse. Yes, he is still a child, please keep that in your mind. Sometimes as parents, forget they are only children, we are the parents. Not the other way around. I will keep you in our prayers. God Bless.

Hi D.. Contacting Big Brothers sounds like a great idea. I know I was thinking as I read your post that he really would benefit from having an older guy to bond with -- someone who's not going to compete with him (like peers) but who will just offer a role model and acceptance.

I'm rather shocked that the school is being so unhelpful. Generally there is a school counselor who is happy to meet with the family and the young person and offer some guidance.

Something else you might find helpful however is a couple of books that I have loved as a parent (and that, as a teacher, I often recommend to parents). The first is "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk", by Faber & Mazlisch. And the other is "P.E.T. -- Parent Effectiveness Training", by Dr. Thomas Gordon. In fact in most areas you can find a P.E.T. workshop to go along with the book, which gives you someone to ask questions of and get feedback.

Both books offer excellent tips for how to talk to your child, especially your teen, in a way that cuts down on the drama and starts getting things done (chores, homework, etc.)

You can find the books in your local bookshop or order them here:

http://www.earthskids.com/behaviorbooks.aspx

Good luck!

D.,

Hi! I have two teenage girls and a 12 yr. old son. There are different ways to go about raising teenagers, non of which are easy. My advice to you would be to spend quality time with him as much as you can to see if he starts opening up. In my house my kids are not aloud to hang out in their bedrooms with their doors closed. I don't care what people say about giving kids privacy. I tell my kids they can have all the privacy they want once they are on their own. It is imperative that you know where your kids are and what they are doing at ALL times.

I am very loving and spend a lot of time with my kids, but I also have a zero tolerance policy. I am in charge and they know it! They are not aloud to back talk, and/or disrepect me or the rules in our house. It sounds harsh, but if you can follow through and be consistent it will save you and your kids from total chaos as they get older.

In a nutshell - be loving and firm. Let him know you are always there for him no matter what, but he must follow rules, get good grades and be respectful to others.

Also, I always talk to my kids about their futures and how I see them successful and happy. See what he is interested in and encourage him to start working towards that goal now with good grades. Let him know he has a wonderful future ahead of him.

Hope this helps.

T.

It's good to hear that some of that improved. I am a Christian, now, but was not as active when raising my first teen son.. and challenges. Some kids just hate school? I was a single parent, working full time and going to college at night. I made sure I gave my child quality time every evening right after making dinner. I would do my h.w. after I've put him to bed; around 8:00 or 8:30 pm.. This gave me time to work and relax. before this, I noticed he would act up and then one day he said, "you always say that, later later, that you're busy now"! He was trying to get my attention and he did. I realized he was right, I was saying that! So, I changed that during his time. I also took parenting workshops in nearby community churches that they give for free with certified counselors; I too was trained and certified to help with the workshops.. One of my majors; Human Services; 2nd major media. But most of the lessons were "at home" life trials and errors. Dinner together is an important quality time; It's a time to talk and share as well.. I believe. And if you can, spend a little quality time with each of your children. And make time for a "group" fun at least once a week. It helps build bond, communications and more. Now married, I have a teen daughter (as my son is an adult now) and it does not change.. The challenges, we just have to be open to listen and understand. But we also have to be structured and have some rules. I know some people would not agree, but school and h.w. is work as well. Besides food and shelter, I let my child earn some $$ from her "quarterly grades". She gets $10.00 for an A.. Okay, a bit extreme, but if you knew my past with her and her outgrown medical history; I would say, it's okay with us. She works hard for her grades.. Of course a F gets her $0 and a D = $1.00. I let her earn some of her bucks. Her job is to work hard in School! She will thank me when she sees that life is not easy without proper education in her adult future years! So, if you can get some parenting classes; like my local church does.. that can benefit as well. Parents; single or married, can use all the help you can get. And remember, you should apply what you think is best for your family. Not every advice or parenting workshop; every detail; is going to work. But 80% of it can. Last but not least; as a more active Christian; Prayer has helped lots and my child is actively involved with the youth group; that is a plus for us! Blessings;