What to Do with My Teenage Son?

I totally recommend getting thetotaltransformation.com parenting series. Perfect for raising teenagers.

This is quite common with boys of this age. They get lazy at school and home. I made my son get his teachers sign and give his grades every friday. He picked up a paper in the office that he took to each teacher. This determined if he was going to have a weekend of doing things or sitting with us while he did school work all weekend. It worked eventually after losing his fun time and sleeping in on the weekend.

You have a lot of great advice. I will say that sometimes getting a bad grade in PE is different. It may have to do with him not wanting to dress out in PE, or not being able to do the things in PE well so he is embarrassed etc. I got straight A's in JR. High, but in 8th grade did not want to dress in the locker room because girls were being so harsh on everyone. Just a thought.
Also in High School I did not want to swim so I got a D in that semester, with a 3.5 GPA, my thinking was so off.

Oh teenagers, I think that "curse" that our moms put on us to have children like us, just may work.

I think that the best advice that I have heard is to take EVERYTHING away. Leave a few clothes and a bed in the room and take away everything else. No T.V., no video games, no nothing. The "things" can be earned back in time. If nothing else, he will remember this when school starts back up and that you follow through with the punishment. I bet if everything was gone until summer school is over and he passes it just might change him.

It is so hard, this parenting thing, they are all different and need to be disciplined differently. I am excited to see what others say, and what ends up working.

Hang in there!!!

Dear K.,
Getting on track is always a lot of work, but here are some suggestions; Sit down and ask what is going on with him and just listen. If he's like everyother teenage boy he'll probably say nothing, so have some questions ready and try to stay unemotional as possible.(easier said than done) Say what your concerns are about school, chores etc. and ask him what he can do to stay on track. Than when you're giving him things to do this summer, follow up to make sure they are done before he goes out. As far as school next year your going to have to set up something with the school or teachers to check in with them during the year or see what they suggest.
Try to not reinforse negative behavior and put him on the spot with your family. Family gatherings should be possitive fun time that makes everyone, specially teenagers who are going through so much, a sense of unity and feel good.
And try to clean the slate and start fresh. I hope this helps and good luck.

The trick is to NOT get mad at him! My son went through this a little at the beginning of 7th grade. He thought I would be furious. Instead I told him, "I am SO sorry for you!" He was bewildered and wanted to know why. I said, "You are ruining your future! Don't you want a good job, nice house, cool car, etc?" When he nodded, I told him that if he did not care about his grades and the pattern continued, he would end up with bad grades in high school and would not be able to get into college and would end up working at McDonald's or as a laborer and would probably be poor his whole life. :D I also let him know that MY job was to take care of the family including going to work to make money to support us all and save for the future. HIS job is to help care for the family (chores, etc.) and to provide for HIS future by getting good grades in school. I then asked him to write me an essay regarding why his grades were falling and he was not completing the work, what HE would do to fix the problem and bring the grades back up and what his consequences would be if he didn't...I warned him that if the consequences he chose were not good enough, I would choose them. :D It turns out he was jabbering with his pals instead of listening and then did not have the information to complete his assignments. He felt badly about not listening and would not go back to ask the teacher questions. His solution was to have his teachers move his seat AND to apologize to them for not paying attention to their instruction. He realized that his grades are directly related to what he wants for HIS future and that HE needs to motivate himself toward HIS goals.

I also let him know that I would be checking on his assignements and progress online to "help" him do better and encourage him to ask his friends or teachers when he didn't understand things. We also discussed his assignments and I checked to make sure they were all completed by the due date. I told him that "He is a smart boy who is more than capable of getting decent grades." I let him know that I did not expect straight A's and if he tried really hard, asked for help and still got a C or D, that was okay because not every person can do well in every subject. After about a month, I quit checking on him so closeley...I still asked about homework and usually he would volunteer up his planner and the assignments for me to look at and by the end of the semester, I was only asking "Did you complete everything that is due tomorrow and have you worked on any long term projects?" During his 8th grade year, all I did was ask if his homework was completed because he was back on track. I will probably start off in the fall checking up on him again since he is starting high school and carrying a "heavy" load of college prep and honors courses.

The teenage years are SO hard...for them and for us! Encourage your son...let him know that you want to help him help himself and that you know he is smart enough to do well in school. Good luck!

I would agree with the other mom's. Keep working with him, but don't expect immediate improvements. Boys this age generally don't feel school is a high priority. There are too many other interesting things running through their mind. Usually by about the end of sophmore year they mature more and start thinking about college and what they will do for the rest of their lives. That's when they realize that they better focus on grades or they won't be in the position to be able to do any fun things the rest of thier lives because they will be stuck in a minimum wage job.
M.

This may sound extreme, but it worked in our family. My cousin kept getting in trouble at school and the last straw was when he was suspended from school his freshman year of high school because campus police found drugs in his locker.

So my aunt decided enough was enough and she became his shadow. Literally she went to school with him and sat in the back of the classroom. Then she would walk him to the next class. Walk him to lunch. Walk home with him. Sit there while he did his homework (and she knew if it was all his homework or not because she'd sat in class with him). She did that for 6 months (until the end of the school year). He thought it was horribly unfair but my aunt told him that if he'd been a good kid and followed the rules, she would trust him to do everything by himself, but having been arrested took away that trust. In other words, he'd made his bed and now he had to lie in it!

So the next year, she didn't come with him to school but she did have weekly meetings with his teachers to make sure he was on track. The 2 years after that she would have monthly meetings with the teachers. He graduated on time and with a 4.0, and actually has a great relationship with his mom to this day. I think if my aunt had not intervened, he would have dropped out and continued doing drugs etc. (His older brother went down that path before him, and to this day the older brother is in and out of jail and just a complete loser - clearly just grounding him and threatening him did not work.)

So when I was in junior high and started giving teenage attitude to my parents, they decided that for high school they were sending me to boarding school. At school we had constant supervision and any slip in grades was followed immediately by a meeting with the dean of studies and they'd start taking away privileges. It was very structured and that helped me develop good study habits.

So the point is, whether you do it yourself or send your child for someone else to do it, I think the key is CONSTANT supervision until you're sure your child is doing what you expect of them. It doesn't matter if he likes it or not. What matters is that he is on the right path for his future!

Dear K.,
I am 23 years old and remember that stage very clearly. I was capable of getting the grades and I really wanted them as well, but I was so determined to fit in with my friends I would just to it to I guess "REBEL, LIKE I DIDN'T CARE." And the more my parents would ground me and yell at me I would want feel worse. And feed into my "FAILURE ATTITUDE".
Finally we met with my teachers, principal and my parents for a round table like discusion, were everyone praised me and let me know that they all actually wanted me to do well and they were all on my side. Then the principal said "Do you know what MISERY LOVES COMPANY MEANS?" I replied "NO" ANd then she explained to me that just because my friends are unhappy with themselves, that shouldn't mean that my future should suffer.
After she explained that and we all aggreed that I will succeed I was put on a daily CONTRACT, were all my teachers would sign and comment on my progress(Put any assignments or projects) as a way to communicate with everyone including myself.
Then at the end of each week my parents were happy, my teachers were happy and most of all I was happy.
I found that with all this positive feedback it kept me on track and even if I hung out with some of the worst kids you can imagine, I got even closer to my parents and actually did well in school.
I dont know if this will help at all but I do believe that the sooner it happend, the better it would have been for myself and my parents.
So don't worry... He might just be trying to get attention, but just in the wrong way.
Good Luck,
K. B.

K., this is a time when your son is trying to figure out who he is, and it sounds like he is not applying himself to the goals, priorities that you would like him to have. I would check with the school he will attend in the fall. The counselor could help you with resources, books to read and any other ideas they may have. I would ask about a system where each of his "core" teachers would have to sign off that he did his homework all week, or listed what he didn't have and then your son would have to show you the completed work over the weekend. I wouldn't let him slide at all. Now is the time to let him know that you won't tolerate the lying...you should have harsher consequenses for the lying, than the bad grades. If he were my son, I would have him signed up for summer school, or at least some tutoring over the summer. Also, I would very, very carefully monitor his friends and activites over the summer. I wouldn't give him much freedom, he has already shown you that he is too immature to make good decisions when presented with choices.
I probably would NOT allow the other family members to participate in the "consequenses" of his actions. You don't want him to stop talking with him, he may need to reach out to them with his questions...and you need to be the "bad guy" and let them have a normal relationship with thier nephew/grandson etc..
Is his biological Dad in the picture? You should be talking with him and involving him in these decisions, does he share your same concerns? Having him on the same page with you will give your son a clear sense of expectations, and you both should work together to help him achieve those goals.

What activities does your son participate in after school? Is he involved with sports, Boy Scouts, church? Too much time spent "hanging" with friends is not a good way for your son to spend his time. All kids need a structure for high school, and they need sturctured activites with thier peers. You need to encourage and foster those activites, they will help you keep your son out of trouble. This is a great time to find a class, camp or drama group for him to take this summer and give him some confidence that he can be ready to join that sport, or class in the high school.

I am a Mom with 3 boys, my oldest is 20 and from my first marriage. My ex walked out when he was 18 months, and came back to my son's life when he was 3 yrs. old. I remarried when my son was 6 years old and he graduated with honors from high school and is doing well in college. Sounds great...but it was always a challenge! I was always the Adult in charge, and my husband is a great Dad. The friends of my son never realized that he was the "step-dad" until his "real" dad came to a game. We all worked very hard to be united in our goals for our son, but I had to chart that course and be in charge. You can ask for support from your new husband, but he isn't your oldest son's Dad...and you are the Mom. You are the one who has always been there for your son, and you will need to be the one to lay down the law now. You can do it!! Good Luck!

hmmm...i'd suggest MORE involvement - for example, you're on point with the discipline, but absent when he is DOING his homework? he still needs HELP and STRUCTURE around his homework from his parents! also, help him generate positive relationships by ENCOURAGING and ENGAGING with him during those family parties with EVERYONE! he is at a very awkward phase of growing up - does your husband have any memories about how confusing that time was for him? we forget how fragile our egos were when we were younger...anyhow, i don't mean to suggest that you're a bad parent, it's obvious how much you love your family: i am just always of the opinion that our bad behaviours are usually a cry out for love, and loving attention...i say that love, patience, understanding and compassion, plus discipline with a firm and fair hand, are the best prescription for wrangling teenagers! good luck, i know quite well (i have two boys 19 and 20) how difficult reaching understandings with him is and i'm glad you're working on some positive solutions NOW :)
with respect and peacefull wishes,
S.

Hey, K., take heart. This is really a phase that all kids his age go through, the lying, the not doing homework, etc. You can't let it go on, however, since none of the punishments are working, I do have one suggestion that we used with our now 19 1/2 year old.

We gave him choices. We told him he could either do things (and you have to spell them out, otherwise they will find ways to get around them)the way he is supposed to, or he can suffer the consequences. Also spell out the consequences. That way he cannot say you are being mean, or unfair. You can just tell him that it is his choice how he wants to live his life, and these are the choices. There will be some resistance, but as long as you and your significant other keep a united front, and do the same with all of the kids, then, the resistance will fade after some time. Most kids his age are feeling restricted and are looking for ways to make their own choices. Maybe let him decorate his room the way he wants, let him color his hair, things that are not detrimental, but give him a way to express himself.

I really hope this helps. Good luck!

Not to make lite of the situation, but you're just beginning the phase of the transition from little boy to young man. Teenage boys tend to want to test their moms and see if they can push the boundary lines. Don't let up, especially now. They need our guidance more than ever even though they make us feel like they have no need for us anymore and worse yet that we don't know ANYTHING. I've been through this twice. My oldest son is 28 and my youngest is 19. They both shared with me that they were grateful that I didn't let up on them and didn't back down when they challenged my authority. YOU'RE the parent. Also, letting him tell you about his grades is unacceptable anymore. Establish a daily relationship with any teacher he's failing with. I went to school with my son for a whole week to EVERY class when he started acting up and his grades were dropping. That ceased IMMEDIATELY because I embarrased him. There's a program called Powerschool that you might want to inquire about for your son's school. It allows the teachers to post the daily homework and class assignments online. Get your teachers home and cell phones and use them frequently. You'll be a pro by the time son #2 gets to this age.

F. D.

K.,

Good luck first of all.

When my daughter was in school, she was doing the same thing with the homework as your son was doing. So I took advantage of their program. They had a homework hotline were I could call in everyday and get the homework assignments for the day. Then I would ask my daughter did you do this homework and that one and then I would ask her to show me to make sure she had actually done them. The teacher also would email me when she did not turn in the homework and I would tell the teacher she did the work because I saw it, the problem was she was just not turning it in. Her excuse would be she forgot. So check with the school and see if they have a homework hotline for each teacher.

Now according to Dr. Phil you need to strip your sons room of everything except for the bare essentials, a bed, covers, and pillows. And he would have to earn items back into his room.

There was a suggestion about PE. That was a good suggestion by talking to the PE teacher. Your son might be shy or he could have been teased when he had to change for PE. Usually when you get an F in PE is because you refused to change and participate. You definately need to find out what is wrong.

Once again I wish you good luck.

My 13 year old daughter started to fall behind in her honors English class. I thought everything was fine until I got a call from her teacher informing us that she was getting a D. When we sat her down and talked to her she admitted that her class load was really heavy and she couldn't keep up with it all. Her school has PAMS which is an on-line website for parents. You can check your childs grades and homework. It's been a great tool for keeping our daughter on track. Maybe there's more to what's going on with your son then you realize. This seems to be a really difficult age because of the hormones, emotions, etc. Talk to your son's teachers to find out if there's something going on at school that you aren't aware of. You'd be suprised what goes on.

I was a pain at this age and struggled to get my work done at school. Not because I could not just because I did not. My mom made me come home from school everyday and sit at the dining room table and do 2 hours worth of homework even if I did not have it. I missed being in a commercial and doing lots of fun things. She made me do this for one quarter and then based on my grades she let me off the 2 hour work load. I ended up studing more than I had and brought my grades up from D's to C's and B's. I know this was as hard on her as on me because she had to make sure that I sat there and did my work.
Good luck.

Hi K.
well first of all you have your work cut out
wow
the only thing I can say is wheres his real dad I have a friend that is going through the same thing her partner is great
dad figure the problem is your sons knows that he not his real dad and thats hard you have to get a hold of your ex if and only if hes not abusive or wouldn't harm your son and asked him to step up to the plate and help out with his son and that you need help he needs his Dad so much is going through his mind his body and theres just somethings a mom can't do even if you talk about everything
I wish you the best of luck God Bless
Danielle mother of 4

K. ~ I would try having the teacher fill out a progress report each week. If he comes home on Friday without it, he is grounded until the next week when he gets his progress report on Friday - If any assignments are missing - if any teacher puts a negative remark or whatever - he is grounded until the next progress report. I would also take all stereo, computer, video games, etc.... away from him, start checking his homework every night, and take the door off of his room. He needs to earn his priveledges, and he will not be able to hide stuff as easily if his room has no door. If grounding doesn't work with him, I would try to find something that does. You know your son best. He could be going through a difficult emotional time also - sounds like his bio-dad is not involved, and there may be some issues with feeling unwanted/unloved.

Your son sounds so much like my son back in 8th grade. He's 25 now, and just graduated from college, but had a rocky road all the way through school. He always acted like it was no big deal. But now I know, it was, but he didn't know what to do, so his way of dealing with it was to pretend it didn't matter, to convince himself that he didn't care. Which made me crazy back then, and we had a lot of conflict all the way through school.

But think about it. How bad these kids must feel when it seems that they are always letting us parents down. Of course, they're not going to admit that they are on the wrong track, though, to us. They're teens, and teens don't do that! Thinking back on it, all my anxiety, my punishing, lecturing, the grounding, etc., didn't have much of an effect. I wish I had been more supportive and encouraging and focused less on being critical and on punishment.

People with younger kids sometimes ask me what I would have done differently if I could have, with my older kids, and my answer is, I wish I had not focused so much on the problems, but could have been less anxious about everything, and enjoyed the good things about my oldest more. I am the mother of five, and my parenting style has changed quite a bit over the years. My youngest is a lot like my oldest with the school work, but I don't make such a big deal about it, and it's much more about, "how can we do this better next time" now, than about punishing for not measuring up. I'll let you know in about 10 years if that approach is more succesful! (She's 9). I can tell you that I am much less stressed with my youngest, and I like it that way!

Right now I am reading a great book called "Staying Connected to Your Teenager" by Michael Reira. I've only read a part of it, but I like what I've read so far, and highly recommend it. It explains the teenage mindset better than anything I've ever seen, and is written in a very compassionate style. I wish I had read it a long time ago, when my older three were still at home! It has softened my approach, and I see improvements with my relationship with my 14 year old daughter because of it.

Good luck. Hang in there. The main thing is that no matter what is going on, that your son knows that you love him unconditionally. Everything else is secondary.

K.,

I was a PE teacher until I had my daughter, so I will give you my recommendations from the PE teacher's perspective.

*First - with the school year being over there is not much you can do or change, but you can get an understanding of what went wrong. I would recommend emailing the teacher very politely and asking if you can find out all of the things that brought his grade down so that you help him fix these problems in the future. Most teenager's do not give their parents the whole story and you will gain a more complete understaning by talking to the teacher. Once you have the information you can address the individual issues and know what to look for in the future.

*Second - If your district offers it, immediately enroll him in summer school PE (preferably with a different teacher). Do this even if he has summer plans!

*Third - whether it is summer school or next school year, require him to bring home a grade/progress report each week for you. Check in with his teacher's via email or phone (find out what his teacher's prefer) from time to time to confirm or ask questions.

*Fourth - When you recieve the grade reports don't just glance-n-toss at them, sit down with him and have him read it to you and explain it. Make him accountable for understanding what is on the page and what is going on in his classes.

*Fifth - Create an incentive program for positive reports. For example: For X number of positive reports he can earn back something that was taken away from him. That way he is working for himself. If he does what he needs to do in school than he can have the toys/privilages that he wants.

*Sixth - DO something (don't buy something)! DO something fun that he will enjoy, remember, and that will make him feel good about himself when his Quarter/Semester report card comes and he has made positive improvements. Positive reinforcement goes a LONG way!

*Seventh - Encourage him to get involved in the school - join a club, or a sport, or drama(depending upon his interests there are a lot of clubs - he could even start one!). But don't use that as leverage. His involvement with the school and other kids who want to be involved will drive him be more tuned in, interested, encouraged, and sucessful.

*Be Positive, encouraging, show him how to be accountable, promote his positive self esteem, and stay involved until he shows that he is mature enough to manage his education on his own.

FYI: High school teachers do not see enough parent involvement! But remember - you are not taking sides - you are working with your son and with his teachers. There should be a solid partnership and nobody should feel like they have to defend their position or that they are being ganged up on.

Good luck!

D.....let me know if you need more suggestions or advice.

Hi K.,
I am a high school teacher & teach a lot of freshman classes. I see this frequently so I can truly empathize with you. With regards to school, you are more than entitled to a grade check as often as you like. Talk with his teachers and ask them if you can do a weekly/biweekly grade check & I am sure they will gladly oblige.
Maybe it's time to get a little creative - since school is his "job" maybe these grade checks can become a pay check - whether you pay him money for passing grades (deducting for bad grades) or privileges, this "pay check" becomes a life lesson as well. Since he is going into high school, he is more than likely going to want a social life, so you will gain leverage.
The other thing I will share with you is you can take EVERYTHING away from him until he can prove responsible. According to the law, you are required to provide him with a roof over his head, an area to sleep (even if it is the couch or a sleeping bag), and food (even if it is a cup of top ramen). Maybe start taking his privacy away (no bedroom door). It sounds harsh, I know, but this is a last resort when you can't get their attention any other way.
Hang in there. It sounds like you are doing everything you can. Hopefully you can implement some of the good ideas you receive that will help! Good luck!

I would have to ask...how much time are spending with your son? Are you at home alot? If not, maybe this is his way of getting attention from you...whether positive or negative. How involved are you with his teachers? Do his teachers know you? From a teacher's perspective, I like to know the parents of my students. It helps me help them. In regards to the chores and homework...that is something you have to personally check on every night until he gives you reason to trust him again. It's a pain for you...however with email access....his teacher's can be contacted everyday if necessary to see what his homework was...or you can require he bring home a signed note from the teacher each day stating what he needs to do that night.

I hope I haven't come across too harsh. I'm not trying to be mean by any means. BUT I DO work with teenagers on a regular basis and find that following through, consistency and spending time with them, really help it encouraging them to be successful. They are my favorite age group to teach...because they are so challenging. Good luck.

So, you know all his weaknesses. What are his strengths?
Time to start building from there. You have to reshuffle, rethink, and restart from the bottom. Like rebooting a computer.

1) find out what your kid is good at. If he's really truly not good at anything, even in passing, maybe he's actually depressed or has ADD or something else that can be evaluated by a professional clinician.
2) Summer is the perfect time to get your kid into summer school. I'm not sure how bad his other grades were, but either get him retaking classes and keeping busy all summer with the reward of a trip to some theme park after it's completed (whether or not he does well in the redone classes!!! This reward is purely for sticking with it.), or get him into something like art, drama, music, or science camp. Something without pressure that you know he can excel in because you already checked that he's good in something like that.
3) your kid is not responding because the punishments are too often and the rewards for success are not great enough.

Sounds like he's got some idea that you don't care about him, and now he doesn't care about himself. 13 is a ridiculously rough age. Hormones, school changes, new responsibilities, changing voice, embarrassing situations, all these things add up and really mess with kids. It challenges their worldview and it is going to take awhile to get him back into gear (if he ever was. If he never was, you have got to reboot a few times.) But here's the thing, if he never was in gear, then it's up to you to teach him how to get there but leading him into some successful opportunities to show him he really CAN do things well and not have to lie about it.

If he was working well in school and at home prior to his hormonal adjustments, then maybe a visit to a professional who he won't feel is judging him is in order, just to get him back to himself and teach him some coping skills he's not picking up from you. You have to be the one to remind him what he was like before. I know it's hard with two tiny children, but I think you may not be seeing the forest for the trees. In that, you probably have an awesome kid who has forgotten just how awesome he really is.

Punishments after the fact don't really work.
You need to be more pro-active.
Certainly chores at least are easy to check.
Don't ask him if they are done, try "Show me" instead.
Schoolwork you may need to contact teachers, or at least monitor all paperwork, to be able to track assignments.
Again, don't ask if homework is done, demand to be shown something for every class, every day.
At the moment, fibbing works for him: he doesn't feel like doing it now, and giving you the easy answer makes you stop bothering him.
If there are consequences they happen later, after he's already had the free time he wanted, and they depend on you to notice and have the attention to carry through on them too.
You need to make the lies not work right away.

My step daughter (13) has had some of the same problems. At her school all the grades are online so when we were having a big problem with her not turning in homework we would check her grades everyday and it would show if she was missing an assigement. If you do not have that (I would call and check some kids don't tell their parents about it) in the past we have talked to the teacher to send us a e-mail if she was missing an assigement. Some teachers are willing, not all but some. We also notice that with our daughter an increase in love helped a lot more than all the punishment. We do both but will let the small stuff go. Good luck I know it is hard!!!

Like most 13 year olds, he now wants to do what he wants to do and doesn't care to do what he's told. You are going to have to develop direct communication with his teacher so you stay on top of the school work/behavior. When my daughter was in school, I developed a very short, simple daily progress report that my daughter was responsible for having the teacher complete EVERY DAY. It was simply a "mark the box" type form so I would know if her homework was turned in, her classwork was complete and if her behaviour was acceptable. Any day that she didn't have one for me I assumed the answers were all negative and she was punished that day for her behavior that day. That way she didn't get away with anything for the entire semester. You do, however, have to make your own forms and make the just check the box type because the teachers will not take the time to do anything more detailed on a daily basis. I have to be honest, I found that cooperation on the teacher's part was hard to obtain and I actually had to go to the principal more than once because I couldn't get cooperation. I found that the teachers like to complain to the parents about the child and they expect the parent to have an arm long enough to control the child while they are at school, but the teachers themselves are not really willing to do anything to help you. This is your problem and you have to be pro-active. Anyway, I would most definitely get on him like hair on a pig and stay there. You look at his homework every night to be sure it's done; you check his chores every day to be sure they're done; you open communication with his teachers so you know what went on each day at school.

My kids aren't teens yet, but I nearly always (especially when there has been difficulties in compliance) check homework over and check to see that the chores are actually done immediately after so there is time for it to be done. This takes time and effort, but is effective. Right now consistency is key.
I would also highly recommend a carrot to go with your stick. We have used a "Reward Wheel" where we as a family choose the rewards that go on it and set up the guidelines of what has to be done to earn a spin at the end of each week. There is a "Consequence Wheel" as well. He might be a little old for a wheel, but it does take the emotional component out of disciplining because he is choosing his own rewards and consequences in effect. Check out www.better-behavior.com.
As for P.E. I would be curious as to why he is doing poorly. It may pertain to something going on socially.

Hi, K..

13 is a hard age for anyone because the body is changing so much and sometimes the child does not understand what is going on. Perhaps you could talk with a counselor or your doctor or someone to maybe find out reasons that this may be happening.

One thing I would check out though is... is he using drugs? Drugs seem to throw a monkey wrench into life in general and nowadays more kids are starting so young with drug use.

I wish you the best.

I have a 15 yr old daughter. I can totally understand what you are going through. I have read a few books that have helped me quite a bit. they are: Back in control by Gregory Bodenhamer, Get out of my life, but before you do can you take Cheryl and I to the mall by (don't remember the first name) Wolfe, and Postive discipline for teenagers by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott. this last book has helped me tremendously. I would recommend it.
although this info won't help now, but for next school year:
I don't know what school district you are in, but in high school, some schools have this great thing called school loop. it allows you to see day by day what your child has turned in and what projects/homework is due. if you do not have that, I would talk individually to each teacher next year and make sure they contact you if there are any issues with his school work. you might also talk with his counselor to see if they can help keep you informed about his school work.
on another note, if you think he is hanging around with friends who are not a good influence. when I restricted their access to my daughter, it seemed to discourage them from wanting to be friends.
my husband and I have often had conflicts over raising our daughter, to the point that he would just like to leave until she is grown. if you both take the time to read some of the books that might help and you both would be on the same page when it comes to discipline and follow through for your son's actions.
feel free to email me direct if you would like more info on the books or heard about what I have tried and found to work. too much to type here.

Hi K.,
I am a therapist specializing in teens, and you are not alone. How long has this been oing on? I happened to notice you have a really young one in the house-- did the problems start around when the baby came? It sounds like everyone's gettning frustrated, so I think your best bet is to back out-- explain to your son that his grades are his affair-- only he will be affected by the chances he loses with bad grades. Let him know you're ready to help if he wants it, but you'll no longer be taking on his responsibilities here. You will probably be surprised how quickly he'll step up to the plate (if you can really step out of it). Most kids, when realizing they're 'on their own' because the parents have stepped out, take school much more seriously.
Good luck!

Where is the real father? That may be part of this. I would get him into counseling right away. He will say he doesnt want to do it but make him. There is a bigger issue going on and you will have a hard time finding out what it is. I would sit down with himevry night until he finishes his homework. Talk to his teachers too. This is a make it or break it age. Good luck!

Hi my name is K.. I have a 16 year old son and an 8 year old daughter. My son is great and my daughter is a handful. We don't have a blended family, but my daughter is adopted and her brother, who is my nephew has lived with me on and off for most of his life. He is now with his Dad. We had more problems with him but my son has shared with me how he has felt about some of the things he has gone through being in this environment. Since my daughter and nephew are siblings, they are a family unit in some way and my son is the one who is different or at least from his perspective. He has felt left out and wanted us to know that he is just as important as all the other kids. I noticed you have a new baby and that also may make him feel that he doesn't have your full attention. I would take some time and have some one on one time with him every week. I would also not listen to you relatives. They are not his parent and really it isn't their concern. Don't disrespect them, but just stay away from that even if it means getting up and moving to another chair or couch or whatever. It is your life and that is how you should handle it. For the most part it seems kids act up when they want some sort of attention. Let him know he has your attention both negatively and positively. Hope this helps.

From one mother to another

K.

they say that adolescence is a 'rebirth', they have to be taught the skills to be an adult and be independent, just like babies after birth have to be taught how to live...

Your kid may need to learn how to be independent, and some kids need to be shown how, by holding their hands, step by step. That may mean physically staying close to him and helping him with homework or giving him specific tasks or working backward with the timeline on projects with deadlines, etc.etc. Some kids may develop these skills independently but not everyone, esp. the ones that are not confident in themselves, they may feel lost or don't know how and not try at all...

You must have your hands full with your little ones, it may be hard to give unhurried time to him, but it is very important at this stage of his life to set good habits... Good luck to you!

I teach high school. Let him read this.

What he does in high school will affect his pay check the rest of his life.
He is responsible for his learning.
Make a copy of major assignments before he turns them in.
He cannot blame anyone but himself for his grades.

You need to be strong and consistant. He has shown that he wasn't responsible in the past. Ask him to bring a progress report home weekly or biweeekly. No progress report no freedom on the weekends. Any F's or D's no freedoms on the weekends. Make email contact with his teachers weekly we do care and don't mind.
J French
Central High
Fresno

Hello,
My daughter is going on 17 and I can tell you that she has been very head strong and difficult to handle these days and sometime before...But She is getting older and I wish I started this system in her earlier years and that is What we call a Date Night! She is the oldest of 2 brother's age 9 and 4. (So the normal life routine takes affect on all of us and as well her Father is not in the picture unless convenient for him or on Holidays etc. Which she tell's me from time to time she can always go live with him...) When it is Just Her and I (MOM)alone together once a month, We go out for Lunch, Dinner, Bowling or something in her interest with JUST HER AND I having only 1 ON 1 TIME TOGETHER...What a difference it has made, If only I could of started this the begginning of her teenage days...Don't get me wrong we still have the normal Teenage/Mother fights but at least She can vent on me and I am there to listen to her on her terms 1 ON 1...I have a lot to think about afterwards but it does give me some insight on where and how to deal from there! It's not easy by no means but after a few "Date Nights" It does get FUN LOL...The Best of Luck to You. God Bless

What is going on with his real dad??? Sounds like this is a lashing out for his real dad....

Find out if the HS he is going to has either School Loop or Power School - if not - transfer him to a school that does... You can then log on every night and see what homework he has and make sure it is getting done....

Try more positive reinforcement - less negative - he is trying to get negative attention for some reason and you are providing it. Sounds like he doesn't want this relationship to work and he is doing everything in his power to destroy it - - -

V.

Being the oldest child is very stressful. There is already a pressure for the oldest to be the best at everything inside of his EGO. My neighbor has three sons and her oldest is always worried....about his siblings grades etc.etc. etc.
If I had an oldest third child I would read up on how to help the oldest have healthy expectations of him/herself. I have an oldest girl but she doesn't suffer at all by worrying about anyone else.

His responses are due to a cry for attention from you because of his younger siblings. As the little ones take up a lot of your time, you should program some "me and him" time, when they are napping. This will help the situation. The punishment of him sitting with you at family functions, is not really punishment, because he has what he wants - to be with you. Some teenage boys re-act this way, not because they are jealous of the younger ones, but they no longer have Mom to themselves. Hope this helps.

So do you sit down with him and help him with his homework? Have you talked to the teachers? Maybe he is struggling and needs help in school? I am not sure punhishment will make things better.

I am assuming that your son will still get promoted to 9th grade, which is usually the case. When he gets to high school and fails classes he will not get automatically promoted and if he fails a few classes he will not get a diploma. I don't think you need to be his shadow on campus (previous response) yet based on what he is doing. I think you can threaten to go with him to school if his grades don't improve and that might be enough. But you should be communicating with his teachers by email or phone every couple weeks. I am a high school teacher and I have parents that email weekly or monthly to check on the status of their child. I don't mind this at all and it doesn't give your son the chance to lie to you about his grades, because you are getting the information from his teacher. A lot of kids will shape up when they realize they can get out of their responsibilities. At my school the counselor can also set up a meeting with the student, parent and all the teachers to talk about some strategies or modifications classroom teachers can do to help him be successful.

I agree with the other two moms as to possible steps to take but I have to add this: since all kids are different --

Is it only his grades? And he's good in other ways? My oldest son TRULY used to think he did a lot better in school than he ended up doing. He seriously used to think he'd done at least most of his homework, and was surprised that his grades were less than he thought they would be. So he really wasn't outright lying when he said he'd done this or that. He is smart but a very slow-moving, relaxed kind of person. A little too relaxed. He did manage to weasel out of chores a lot because of his slowness. You just couldn't wait that long. I battled with him a lot over school work, believe me, but overall his personality is such that he would have dug in his heels and done worse if I had made the battle too big. So ultimately I had to let it be his thing. He just finished his first year in college and definitely improved his second semester grades, but he's still learning. But if I had followed him at school, for example, which I certainly thought of and threatened to do a time or two, it would have been a disaster and he ultimately would have won by doing NOTHING. So less was more with him.

Just in case your son has a similar personality, I had to offer this perspective.

The schools almost all have online access for parents to track grades. Check it out. You don't have you wait for the report card or progress report. Also most schools have the students write down there assignments in a planner of some sort. Look at his planner and check his homework. Since you have younger children that need much of your attention he may be needing a little more positive time from you and your partner. Good luck and don't give in. Remember you are the parent.

Hi K.,

Sounds like there is definitely something going on with your son. Assuming you have followed through on the consequences you set up with him, have you spoken to him about what might be going on? You didn't mention anything about how he is feeling, what he says is wrong. I would recommend a good talk where you tell him you are concerned and just listen. If he says "nothing," I would either ask some other adult that he might have a good relationship with to speak with him (his "stepdad?"), and if that goes nowhere get him some counseling.

BTW, in case you're wondering, I am a former middle school counselor myself, so I have known lots of kids in a similar boat. Communication is crucial.

Good luck--

L. :)

Go to the teachers directly, get their emails, and email them periodically for progress reports. Ask them to email you with any good news too, so that you can have a reason to praise your son when applicable. CC your son on any emails, not as a punitive measure, but so that everything is out in the open and he is in on it. This may or may not help with his behavior, but it will at least ensure that you're aware of what is really happening at school.