Need Help/advice About an Adult Sister

Dear K. B,

First, here is a hug for you! You seem like a responsible young lady trying to do the best for yourself and your child. Your sister is less mature than you are and she is not taking responsibility for her life. You are stuck in a classic CO-DEPENDENT relationship. There is a great book called BOUNDARIES by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend to help you learn about what is yours to control and what isn't. Also as a parent, you are teaching your child by being a role model whenever you use good boundaries or have weak boundaries. Boundaries teaches you that saying "NO" to someone is not the same as being "mean" or "unloving" or "cold-hearted."
You say that you are stuck...but you are not. You have a choice to love yourself enough and respect yourself enough to protect yourself and your child from the influences of a "toxic person." I know that these words may seem harsh but if your sister respected your kindness she would NEVER take advantage of you. Try to look at this objectively. I've had teenage babysitters able to follow my directions to care for my kids better than you describe your sister's ability to care for her child and your child. You have a responsibility to yourself and your child first. Your sister wants to be rescued from her bad choices but it doesn't sound like she wants to learn how to live a successful adult life. You can't force someone to learn and grow and "do the right thing." Your emotions are clouding your sense of reason and I understand that you are worried about your sister's child's welfare but your sister needs to have some of that worry. Once you file for divorce the legal system sets up a parenting agreement and child support and spousal support. Let the attorney do the paperwork to protect the child and if the Bio-Dad violates the agreement your sister has a leg to stand on. When you rescue an irresponsible person they have no motivation to straighten out. This is a wake-up call for your sister. As for you, stay strong, stay grounded, keep on keepin' on and continue to learn and love and grow...your child is depending on you.

Dear K.,
I am a 43 year old mother of 5 year triplets and I have a 24 year old son and a 25 year old daughter. My daughter has a 5 year old daughter also. They lived with me the first 4 years of my granddaughters life and I went through the exact thing! I had my daughter watch my babies while i worked 2 days a week and I would call at lunch time and she wouldnt answer. I would panic and run home to see her asleep on my couch. thats with my triplets and her daughter as infants in carseats alone. I was furious but mostly frightened and she didnt seem to get the severity of the situation. Well ofcourse I got someone else to come in watch my kids and I paid them and the whole time my daughter would be sleeping while her daughter would just be getting into everything. She was lucky she wasnt hurt.
My point is, get her out now before something happens! You are paying for your family. Your sister hasn't benefited from you taking her in. That best thing you can do for her is to tell her she has to leave. Give her a deadline and if you have to make up some excuse do it. I understand not wanting to put her out but trust me its the best thing you can do for her. If she goes to a homeless shelter it might wake her up. My daughter got to the point that our way of living was what she could afford. She wouldnt work! She finally moved into my rental home and I paid the house payment everytime she couldnt come up with the money because I HAD to. she left me with a $1500 utility bill because I had to make her leave (she also has a loser boyfirend she picked up that has her and him on drugs now) So everything I did to try to help her get a jump start backfired. now she is on drugs and her poor 5 year suffers. OFcourse she acts as though I did her awful and will not let me see my granddaughter at all. Her wonderful boyfriend took the eaterbasket I made for her and took over there and shut the door in my face while my grand daughter stood there and then i called and asked to speak to her he just hung up on me. wouldnt answer when i called back.
its been so bad now it stresses me out. I am not saying your sister is like this. I saying you are not helping her by letting her stay, you are hurting her. God Bless

I admire that you want to help her, but you need to take care of yourself and your child first - even if it means she goes to a shelter to live. You are enabling her to be dependent on you, rather than her husband (which IS a better choice)but you are co-dependent. She is an ADULT sister and needs to find her own way. Simply read those definitions and do what is best for you. Hopefully, you can still offer some help without it taking you down with it. Good luck.

Hi K.,

It's obvious that you care for your sister and her daughter, but I agree with the others that you need to protect your own family first. I also agree that you need to set boundaries for your sister. You need to let her know (before you butt heads over it) what your expectations are. If you want her to help with cooking, cleaning, etc., let her know what part you expect her to do. If you have differences in parenting, let her know what is acceptable in your home. It might help if you write something up and both sign it and post a copy on the fridge. Make sure you include a section that states that if she refuses to abide by what you have written or agrees and doesn't comply, that she will leave.

I have a sister in law who often rents to those who no one else will rent to. She won't evict people with children during the school year or near Christmas. A sheriff once told her that allowing people to take advantage of her like that taught her children and the children of the people she rented to that not being responsible and cheating people was ok. Good luck and let us know how things go.