Need Help with My Sensitive Daughter and In-home Daycare

Hi J.,
I think the fact that you were okay with your daughter being put in a baby bed at first led the caretaker to think it was okay.
Maybe if you explain to the caretaker that you know you were okay with the baby bed thing at first, and that you are sorry you agreed to the "treat her like a baby if she is acting like a baby" thing, but it is obviously not working and if you two can come up with something else.

I have to say that your comment:

(and let me say that I think 50% of what all small children do is for attention)

is a bit hard. Children need love AND attention. That is how they are made. If she were 10 and doing this, that would be a different story. Maybe your daughter doesn't feel like she is getting enough attention. You said she is sensitive. I have a very sensitive child, as well, and sometimes he just needs that extra hug and kiss and to be told everything is okay.
I don't mean to come off harsh, but I was a bit shocked that you agreed to the baby bed in the first place.
4 is still so young.
R. B.

I read this request then read it again to make sure that I was not misunderstanding it. First off you are a good Mom for being concerned about this. Second off there is no way that I would want to take my child back to that daycare. I don't quite understand why your caregiver would put your daughter into a baby bed. Frankly that just upsets me and she is not even my child. Sounds like the daycare provider is not using a positive method to help stop your daughter from crying but actually a pretty scary method!!! Not only that it sounds like she is trying to push the blame off to you such as not coming around the daycare etc.
Daycare providers are suppossed to effectively deal with children that cry when their parents leave, as it happens quite often. And they certainly should not be doing something that they should have to tell the child not to tell Mommy or Daddy about. Redirect not scare them about putting them into a baby bed or making them stand while the other kids sit.
Good luck

Not too long ago, I watched a 3 year old who cried alot. She was fine by some redirection and I don't think that a child should be treated like a baby. Has she tried time-out? It always worked for me.
I also recently was watching a 4 year old who threw alot of fits. She knew that time-out is where she went directly if she misbehaved. I can't imagine putting her in a baby bed! I have nieces who are 3, and they are fully aware of what's going on around them and the way that they are treated. If you have asked the caregiver more than once to stop this behavior, and she hasn't bothered to listen to you, the MOTHER, then maybe you should start looking for someone who is in tune with this age group.
Redirection and time-outs are all your daughter needs to realize that this behavior is not appropriate.

Have you asked Caelyn why she is choosing to cry?
At age 3 she should know why she is crying and therefore she is old enough to understand that choosing negative behavior means she is choosing a negative consequence. Choose a negative consequence that she will receive, when she gets home, for a crying episode, and let her know what it is. Pre-coach her ahead of time, (at the beginning of the day) then follow through with the negative consequence (not watching your favorite show, not eating your favorite food, not playing with something, etc.), when you get home.
If she makes it through the day with no crying she will be rewarded with (a,b,c) something important to her, but relatively small.

Make up a story with her when you are together where you role play in a hypothetical day care and you be the child and she can be the care giver, more than once. If there is something inappropriate going on it will most likely come out. Don't ask her questions about the role play relative to her daycare even if it does reveal possible issues at the daycare. If you feel there are issues I would just move her.
There are some daycares that now have a camera set up where you can view your child from a remote location any time of day. Something to think about. S. W.

I somewhat agree with Regina. If you do agree she cries for attention...then why is she needing to cry for attention?

As for the sitter, just be honest. Let her know you were troubled all weekend because you noticed the other kids are starting to make fun of her and that she said she had to sleep in the baby bed again, and that is breaking your heart. Sit down and ask if the two of you can come up with a plan together. During this time, you can let her know that you now realize the baby bed was a bad choice and you feel only made things worse. Also, see what she has to say on her approach. Ask her if she has any suggestions. Maybe listening to what the care giver has to say will let you go with your instinct on whether you want your daughter to continue going there or not. As for me, i know you have to be tough sometimes..but I would never let my son or daughter be miserable all day and learn to feel ridiculed at such a young age. Of course...I'm only reading one side of the story ;)

I know its hard finding a good sitter. Good luck!

I didn't read your other responses so forgive me if I am repeating what's been said... I DO NOT think that you are overreacting. I can tell you that my child would not go back again, ever. First of all, the caregiver did not follow through with your request, of ignoring Caelyn, and then she told her not to tell mommy! I don't think so becuase then it makes me think what else is she telling them not to tell mommy. I know that it is hard to pull them without having somewhere else to go but to me, this is unacceptable and the fact that there is no one else there to hold this lady accountable, it just scares me. You would never forgive yourself if something happened to her. I do believe that the crying is perhaps a phase but also, it's not normal to continue on either...perhaps something triggered the onset of the crying to start with. JMHO.

J.,

I agree, trust your instinct!! You will make mistakes as a first time mother (we all did) but a child should NEVER BE HUMILATED LIKE THAT. Your caregiver should help you and the child work through the issue.

Maybe a church preschool or MDO might be a better option. They are smaller than the big franchise centers like Children's Courtyard. There was a child in my son's class once who did this and what they did was put up a chart with stickers. It was divided into times of the day like chapel, circle time, centers, music, lunch, nap etc. If he didn't cry during circle time, he got to put a sticker on the chart, they also rotated a "special spot" sitting next to the teacher among the kids at circle time. When it was his turn to sit in the "special spot" the teacher matter of factly said, "I am so excited to have Aiden as in our special reading spot today. And as we all know, we need to sit quietly to everyone can hear the story." He got a pick a small, medium or big "prize" based on the number of stickers he had on his chart that day.

It seemed to work. I liked the way they focused on the positive (getting a sticker and telling the child exactly what he had to do to get it) instead of "punishing."

Good luck!

I think I would be very weary of a childcare giver that uses humiliation as a discipline technique. You are definitely not out of line. I would be furious as well if the woman told my child not to tell me something. If your daughter is upset about going there and her cousins are noticing unfair treatment as well, I would start seeking out a new childcare situation. That way your daughter can start from scratch somewhere. Go with your gut feeling. There are plenty of ways to deal with an upset child and I don't think she is implementing the positive ones. Good luck and get all your facts and write them down so you are fully prepared when this conversation starts. That way you are more likely to stay cool and make the points you need to make and not look like some insane mother. LOL Good luck

J.,

You are doing the right thing by requesting to speak w/your provider.

You daughter is throwing up a lot of red flags . You may need to find a new daycare provider.

The baby bed is a BIG no no in my book.

I once watched a child who cried a lot (the first couple of weeks). I would just get her involved in what we were doing or she would "help me" set the table or something of that nature.

We also gave rewards 2 pieces of candy for a great day and 1 piece of candy for a good day. I think it is important to make a child feel they are special. Sometimes it just takes the child care provider to pay alittle more attention to that one child. Everyone is different and you can not treat everyone the same at all times. Some kids may need more hugs than the others. Don't get me wrong THEY ALL get hugs!

Good Luck to you and your little one!

Truly,

Eliyah

No you are not overreacting I cannot believe a caregiver would ever act like such a child herself. As a mother of a little girl it saddens me to think that this women is humiliating your daughter. Who gives her the right!!! If it were me I would probably just move her to another daycare. I know this might not be the easiest thing to do, but sounds like she is very child like. If you say something to her she will probably still take it out on your daughter. Little girls need lots of positive reinforcement not negative. You don't want this women to change who your daughter is by hurting her emotionally. As far as telling your daughter not to say anything to you about what is going on at daycare I would worry what else is she making her keep from you?