Need help...husband's Female Supervisor Buys Him Lunches. . Ok to Be Jealous?

I think it sounds innocent enough. Sounds like she's just trying to be nice. It probably makes HER feel good to buy him lunch since he would otherwise not eat.

IF they were going OUT to lunch just the two of them, I'd say that would be inappropriate. BUT she is buying lunch that is brought to the work place when EVERYONE is eating. It's not like THEY (just the 2 of them) are having lunch together.

Give him some lunch money so he can buy every now and then. It sounds like he didnt tell you because he knew you would say "we cant afford it". I dont think it's anything more than that Honey.

Start packing him a lunch. When I make dinner at night I always make one extra serving and package it up for my hubby's lunch the next day. That way he will not have to let her buy.

If I got jealous about everyone who feeds my husband I would be raving mad. He is lanky (skinny) so people just seem to want to feed him and man does he EAT. His coworkers are always bringing him food. If one person goes to a taco place they just naturally bring him back a taco. Truck drivers bring him cookies, pizza, spice rubs for stakes, you name it, they bring it. His boss's wife is always sending something into work for him. There is even a Mexican restaurant we go to where the owner gives him free food to take home to "fatten him up." People just like my husband and the mom comes out in them so they want to stuff him. I must ask...if this supervisor were male would you still have a problem with the situation? I really think there is nothing behind it except that she sees that your husband isn't eating lunch and so she offers to get him some. She is a kind woman, not one who wants your husband.

Honestly...I would do the same thing for someone if I thought their finances were a little tight. She does not want to make him feel left out...and of course she has noticed he doesn't bring a lunch. There is nothing behind it except a good person trying to help you all out.

If I were in your place...I would write her a little thank you note telling her you really appreciate her kindness, but you have it a "very tight budget" and really have arranged it for him to bring a lunch as eating out is a luxury for your family, and so you feel really guilty about her kind gesture since you don't have the resources set aside to make this a habit. This way she knows you and your husband have talked about it, and if she does mean anything by it (which I would almost guarantee she doesn't)...she knows you are aware, and that your husband is an honest guy and shares this type of information with you. It also let's her know that you have a budget and he has options for lunch he chooses not to use. Then, if she continues to do it....you are off the hook for paying her back since you have stated it isn't an option.

You should not look for problems where they are not. He didn't tell you because he didn't think it was a big deal. Also, he probably enjoys the luxury of it once in a while, and he may deserve a little something once in a while. Additionally, he knows you will read more into it than it is (a supervisor wanting everyone to feel part of the group). She obviously has more of a discretionary income, and if she wants to use it to make her group more cohesive...I say "great." If she were dragging him off to private lunches together, and whatnot, it would be a different story.

I am a female manager. I have bought lunch for groups of employees and I have taken employees to one-on-one lunches to discuss career paths, workloads, etc.

I have NEVER given any though to whether an employee is male or female. It is absolutely my place to buy - I'm the boss. I get reimbursed, but even if I didn't, I would do it anyway.

What you are describing is that she is buying lunch for her direct reports, not specifically your husband, and she is making a point of not leaving him out.

Unless she starts spending off the clock hours with him, you are indeed being jealous for no reason.

My male supervisor used to buy me lunch once or twice a week. He worked long hours and like to go to lunch but not buy himself. We would talk some business, relax a bit, and not rush through our lunch. It was nothing romantic in anyway, we were both happily married, and it was just lunch. No need to be jealous. As my boss, he knew he was in a financially better place AND could also write it off as an expense.

If he doesn't have the money to go out for lunch, he should be taking something from home. If they know he has "something" to eat, they may not worry about ordering him something EVERY time they order out.

I wouldn't be jealous. Sounds like she's just being nice with no expectations of anything. Some bosses (especially women) have that "take care of their employees" mentality. I know mine does. Reserve the jealous energy in case you really need it in another situation. I'd be more annoyed that my husband doesn't take his lunch to work.

The reason you havent heard about it is because its not a big deal. My husbands boss has bought him lunch several times. If she values her employees, and is ordering lunch for everyone, I wouldnt leave him out either. Im not saying he should except, and he should be paying her pack. My husbands boss figures they make more than them so they can spring for lunch sometimes. I wouldnt worry at all.

I don't think you have anything to be jealous about. It's not like she's coming on to him and telling him anything inappropriate.

He should be taking lunch to work daily - I make a lunch for work EVERY DAY - it saves us $200 a month.

If you are jealous - I'm not sure why. So just say THANK YOU and press on. When I was working - I would randomly treat my employees to lunch with NO expectations of anything in return. It was my way of saying thanks for doing a great job!

Are you really THAT insecure?
This is a gesture of her being nice. I was in this exact situation a few years ago. I probably spent $100 on lunches for my coworker because I didn't want him to left out of group lunches because he had no money.

That was it. Period.

I would be careful not to let your feelings complicate the situation. I do not think it's appropriate for a female to buy my partner things and I do not accept things from males. So I agree with you and would be uncomfortable too. Try not to make assumptions about the motivations. I would tell my husband I appreciate him talking to me about it and would be more comfortable if he did not accept her offer. I think it is a good sign he is being open with you especially if you have jealous tendencies. If he continue to do it, don't sweat. There could be a social dynamic at work that is hard to over come (e.g. no one else brings lunch). My number one priority would be keeping the communication honest and open.

Sounds innocent enough. No worries here.

My husband is a supervisor and he treats various employees to lunch regularly. Most days I make his lunch (or he makes it) or he uses his "lunch foods" he keeps in the office fridge. I don't think you have anything to be jealous of.

I don't see anything to be jealous about here. From your post, this is not even a situation where the two of them are going to lunch offsite by themselves (which can be very innocent but causes some wives stress)....this is a group of them ordering in. She does not want to see the poor guy go hungry. He could avoid this by bringing in food so she does not think he will be the only one in the office with nothing to eat. If he truly does not want to eat anything, I suggest microwaveable soup/crackers. She will see he has something there to eat..he can choose to never heat it up and eat it and then nothing goes to waste.

Well, in the office I worked in previously (I'm a SAHM now).....there were two of us ladies (myself and one other woman) who constantly felt the need to "mother" the guys in our office......We brought in food for the group often and insisted they eat (we were food pushers too LOL). We even did bagels in the morning and just made them eat...Even our boss (a guy) wasn't exempt. If he didn't have lunch, we fed him. When we went out for lunch and one guy or another begged off saying they didn't have money to buy, we insisted they come and insisted on paying with no requirements for paying back. We had other female coworkers too, but there is something about a guy not eating that just made the mom in us come out...Both of us girls were (and still are) happily married, dedicated wives and moms. Both of our hubbys work and are paid well enough that we could afford to be generous (kind of like paying it forward, ya know). And the nurturer in us couldn't let someone go all day without eating. If any of these guys had their own lunch for the day, it wasn't an issue....but no lunch = we fed them. There was no malice or trying to steal them away type situation. It was just a matter of making sure they ate something.

I'm thinking, based on what your describing, his supervisor is the same way. She might be paid really well (and her hubby may be too) and she recognizes that her employees aren't paid as nicely as she. She is likely a nurturer also (and probably has children too). Her kindness is in no way a reflection on your marriage, feeling for your hubby or your wifely duties. She is simply a really caring person who can't stand to see someone not eating. Whether or not he's hungry makes no difference either FYI. We forced our co-workers to eat by either just getting them something from where ever we were going (when they declined to get something) or (when we brought food) making them a plate, heating it up and placing it right in front of them on their desk.
So, if this is really bothering your hubby (or he is just feeling like a charity case LOL) tell him first and foremost, she's not doing it because she views him as a charity case. She is doing it because she just wants to make sure he's eaten enough to sustain him through the day. And if he wants it to stop....he should make sure to pack himself a lunch (even if he doesn't plan on eating it) and she won't feel so much need to feed him. As for you, please PLEASE don't continue to feel concerned over this....I would have been horrified to know that I was causing problems in one of my male co-workers marriage over food. But, I was also close friends with their wives too... ;)

If he had something to hide I don't think he would have mentioned the innocent lunches she has purchased for him. I think it's totally normal in an office setting. I work in an office where my bosses occasionally buy me lunch too. No worries!!

Well, if it were just a co-worker/peer I would say it would be hard not to be jealous. However, she is his supervisor and it sounds like she wants him to feel included and since she's the "boss" figures she'll cover it, no big deal. I'm sure his co-workers (her included) know that you are a stay at home mommy and knows he is opting out due to money. I think it sounds very nice of her. HOWEVER, I do think that your husband should be bringing lunch from home if you are trying to watch your budget. Maybe none of his co-workers bring their lunch and he doesn't want to be different? If that's the case, he is a grown adult. He should just bring his lunch and maybe just get fast food once a week with the others. ?? Good luck!!

I wouldn't be jealous but I would be annoyed that my husband refused to pack his lunch when he knows that is what spurs his boss to offer him lunch. Not jealousy inducing but annoying when on a budget. O--and you should not be the one who has to make the darn thing either! He's a grown man! When I worked full time and my then fiance was only working part time, I didn't expect him to make my lunch!

I've had men and women supervisor's they've bought me coffee's, lunch, treats not once did I think I was having an affair with them nor did my husband. I think you are reading too much into this and allowing emotions to take charge. I had a brother in law who never would make his lunch and if he took one my sister made he'd forget to eat in and go out with whoever to talk over whatever work stuff, for some it's not an option to eat in.

She is just trying to be nice, relax. If she is married I am sure she understands how it feels to struggle financially. It just lunches, its not like they are going out for candlelit dinners just the two of them. I think you are projecting your stress of money issues onto her. I say relax and let it go, this sounds totally innocent. I am sure hubby didn't tell you because he doesn't want to make you feel bad and he might even be a little embarrassed that this women is "paying" for him. Make sure he gets her a nice card at least for xmas to say thanks for being a great boss!

I haven't read the other responses so I am sorry if I am repeating or stepping on toes.

Your husband is working to provide for his family. You say you already have a jealous bug and he has given you no reason to be jealous. If you push this, you are letting him know, even unconsciously, that you do not trust him.

If she is a supervisor, she has an expense account. The lunches are more than likely comped. This happens all the time, nothing to it, nothing wrong with it. They go to lunch, etc, discuss business, it is a business lunch. MANY people in corporate world have business lunches/dinners and it does not make for cheating spouses.

The most important thing is to keep communication open with your husband. Do not confront him.... If he had something to hide, he would not have told you about it. He is trying to communicate with you.

Do you really want him to be the only person on the team, sitting in his office alone eating lunch from home with the team is meeting at lunch and discussing what is going on for work. You take him out of the loop, then he will be one of the first to go when cuts come around.

Try to wrap your mind around something else which is more productive which is being his cheerleader, getting some activity for yourself so you can have some adult conversations, etc.

Best wishes.

I had a male manager that would buy my lunch often he knew I was having money problem, when he would buy himself lunch he would bring me something. Trust me nothing was going on. When I worked at a different place the maintenance man would buy one of the girls there something everyday she was a single mom trying to make it on her own and again there was nothing going on he felt good doing it and she really appreciated it. If you can afford it buy her a gift or even just a card and tell her how much you appreciate it. Take it from someone who knows about affairs there would be more signs then that and he wouldn't have mentioned it if that was the case. Trust is a big part of marriage if you trust him it really shouldn't be an issue. He might not feel right taking lunch if everyone eats out it might be a case of pride for him.

I wouldn't be offended at all. It's probably that he doesn't bring anything in, so she doesn't want him to go hungry. Hungry employees are less productive employees...by buying his lunch, she's boosting his productivity, thus getting more work out of him and increasing the company's bottom line.

Why would that make you jealous? I say forget it and move on. If it makes you jealous, make his lunch in the morning and make sure he leaves with it.

If it happened every day, he'd be taking advantage of her, but if it's once in a while, it really is normal. Regardless of the sex of the supervisor and supervisee, bosses sometimes buy lunch for the people who work for them. My supervisor buys me lunch if we go out sometimes, because she makes a lot more money than I do and it's her way of making sure I am not left out, and thanking me for my work. I'm sure this lady would do the same for any of her employees, she is not after your husband.

The only thing I would be jealous of is, he got a nicer sandwich than me, or bowl of noodles or whatever.

Other than that, there's nothing to worry about. For all you know, she may be expensing it on the back end or taking the money from a slush fund and not actually out of her own pocket in an effort to keep morale, not because she has any designs on your DH. And who buys lunch as a way into someones pants anyways? A drink is cheaper and more effective.

Side note, I miss expensed lunches and dinners. Sigh. Back to my whole wheat bread and turkey slices.

There may or may not be something going on between your husband and this woman....BUT, they are certainly sowing the seeds by creating this relationship where one buys the other things on a regular basis.

Why doesn't your husband want to brown bag his lunch? That sounds a little childish to me. I would think, as an adult, he would want to take pride in his own ability to, well, feed himself and not rely on something to buy for him as he is a child. I think it is a little strange.

I don't think you need to be concerned but if I was your husband and I didn't have the money to go out for lunch with the rest of the group I pretty much wouldn't or if I did I wouldn't allow someone to keep paying for me. It might have been a nice gesture at first so that he wasn't the only one not eating but then she might feel like it's expected of her? I don't know, I just wouldn't like for someone to keep buying me lunch if I wasn't going to pay them back especially if he refuses to bring his lunch. Another thing, my husband wouldn't take lunch with him if it was anything that needed to be heated up and would smell up the place so try making him a sandwich with some chips or something and see if that would be better for him...

It sounds like she's trying to be nice and make him feel included. My husband and I are in the same situation. I stay home and so our budget is VERY tight. The other 3 guys in his department are always badgering him to eat out. We've budgeted for him to be able to eat out a couple of times a month (cheaply) because I know the comaraderie is important. A coworker gave him money to eat out last week and I felt uncomfortable about it simply because I don't like to take hand-outs. I would think eventually the boss will get tired of footing the bill for him.

It sounds like he has a really nice boss! I am the type of person that would do the same thing for someone who works for or with me and there is no need to be jealous believe it or not there are good people out there that don't expect anything in return and aren't trying to get in bed with you! : )
Maybe you should send her a Thank You card to show her you appreciate her doing this for him. Also just pack him a lunch if it still bothers you and make him take it!! hahaha
Good luck and God bless

She see's he has no lunch with him doesn't want anything ordered put 2 and 2 together he has no money he is hungry & doesn't want him to feel left out she is being nice.Work brings in food all the time for an event,Holidays, meetings or just because there is extra money floating around.He should bring his own lunches to eat,not depend on someone else feeling sorry for him,decline in the future & pay her back.

My guess is the supervisor is buying his lunch because she feels sorry for him because he doesn't bring a lunch and doesn't have the money to eat out. I wouldn't worry about an attraction but I really don't think it's a good situation for him because he's making himself look pathetic. Is he embarassed by this? If it's not in the budget for him to eat out on occassion, figure out a way he can take some snacks to work...cheese and crackers or something. Oh dear, I feel sorry for him, too.

I think it is silly for you to be jealous, and why don't you make your husband's lunch for him, that way he always has a lunch and has no excuses to be getting a lunch from her. After all, if he doesn't take lunch from home, what is he eating during the day? What are your expectations of lunch time? Everyone needs to eat during the day, so I say you should make his lunch for him and nip it in the bud.

I wouldn't worry about it - I have done that before when someone here cannot/doesn't have $ for lunch. I have no intention of straying, nor do I find them attractive or want anything from them in return. I just feel that food is essential, plus it makes their day. I would feel horrible if their wife thought that I was trying to hit on them by doing that or felt insecure about it, so maybe I should re-think doing that in the future? If she was doing it every day, then you might want to be concerned, but every once in a while when everyone in the office except him is going somewhere to pick up lunch, I would not be concerned. But, you could just make him a lunch every morning for him to take with him and that would solve the problem. I pack my husband a lunch every day before work. If I miss a day, I make sure to give him cash, but I wouldn't be upset if someone from the office picked him up lunch.

What kind of work do they do? Business lunches are sometimes necessary when there arent enough hours in the day for our fast paced society. Jealousy is a very evil emotion and can make your mind go wild with "what ifs". If you want him to always be honest with you (which he is right now) you can't let insecurities build a wall or you will lose that communication.
I've had lunch with coworkers, male and female, many times and never "cheated" while doing it. It's pretty normal stuff. If you are worried, you need to ask yourself why. Why would he want to cheat on you, if you have reasons, fix them. Most jealously is because we feel we arent good enough and someone else is better than us. I realize if youve been cheated on before you would be more alert to it as well, but if he's innocent it really makes them mad that they cant convince you that they arent cheating.
I've never been the insecure type, but I have many girlfriends that have blown their marriages apart with their insecurities. Just be careful and dont accuse him unless you really think there is a reason.
You could tell him you arent comfortable with it and ask him to stop, some men would find that "caring" of their wives and would oblige it, if you have one of those guys good for you.
I'm assuming most of the gals on here will say "if you arent comfortable with it he needs to stop". It's a respect thing, kind of like asking them not to look at other women when you are with them.
If you feel he's trustworthy, I'd just say that the lunch dates are probably harmless. If the lunch dates are not work related and he knows you are uncomfortable with it, he will probably stop if you ask him to.
You say you have jealous tendencies..... so I'm assuming you will ask him to stop. But you should work on those tendancies and ask yourself why you have them.

First of all, you DO NOT write a thank you note to your husbands boss, for purchasing HIS lunches.. He is not 5 years old and you are not his mother. Your husband can/should write her a thank you note..

I agree that is business bosses purchases lunches for employees all of the time.. It is just a way to make sure everyone is included and not going hungry.

I do not know where your jealousy comes from, and some men are flattered... for a little while.. then it becomes a weight around their necks and they begin to wonder, why you do not trust them, when they trust you?

We have been married for almost 30 years and my husband can become jealous, I think it is cute sometimes, other times, I think he has lost his mind.. I am easily 60 pounds over weight, loud and opinionated.. Who on earth is going to be attracted to me and love me the way he loves me?

Plus George Clooney has a girlfriend and most of the time lives in Italy.. Hee, hee

It would bug me. My hubby either wouldnt accept or wouldnt tell me, beacuse I'd get mad. I make him wonderful lunches, bake his snacks (brownies, banana bread muffins), all easy but good stuff. Try that, and he wont want her stuff.

What a nice gesture, seriously relax about this! Bake her something for Christmas that would be the nice thing to do. Why doesn't he take a lunch?

She is just being nice. When she wasn't a supervisors she probably had supervisors pay for her meals at times when she couldn't afford to pay and she is just passing on the kindness she recieved.

I see what you're saying - I would feel a bit uncomfortable about this as well. I like the suggestions others had about inviting her over for a meal. It will be a good opportunity for your hubby to feel like he is paying her back, plus a good chance for you to meet this woman. I also agree about packing a lunch if you can swing it.

I do not think that it is jealousy that you are experiencing but guilt b/c you can not affoard to send your hubby to lunch on a frequent basis. My suggestion is to invite her over to a home made dinner, probably after the holidays as a thank you.

The supervisor needs to be careful. Does she buy lunch for other people she supervises besides your husband? Favoritism or the appearance of it can be a dangerous thing in a work place. If I were your husband, I'd accept occasionally, but no more than once or twice a month unless she routinely buys everyone lunch because then she's not playing favorites.

Personally I would not be jealous because over the course of several different jobs I have had many different supervisors and bosses provide lunch for one or all of us as a treat. If you are bothered by this maybe since you are Not working you could Make your man a lunch...do you do without lunch? I make my husband a lunch for when he works even if it is left overs or a sandwich.

It sounds to me like she felt bad for him because he doesn't take lunches. Does he not take them because he doesn't want to take the time to make them? It's hard to turn down a meal when it's free and maybe he knows that she doesn't pay for them herself so goes along with it. Honestly I think a woman would be more attracted to a man who buys her lunch not the other way around and if it were something more he wouldn't have told you but he did let you know. That means it was nothing and he felt comfortable talking to you. Keep it that way and he will tell you more. I made the mistake when I saw an email from an ex coworker to my husband. They supposidly ran into each other after a work meeting because she was there to meet one of his employees. I showed him it and ever since he will not leave his emails open anymore and it still bothers me. Even if you don't like what he tells you just listen or you will be shut out if he doesn't like your responses.

Seriously? Can't people even be nice anymore. No big deal....but why doesn't he just take a lunch or answer that he has a lunch?

You just kept thinking "why is this the first time I've heard about this?"...
Probably because the first odd time or two that it happened, he didn't think it was any big deal. Because it wasn't.
But, if it is becoming a regular issue (if he "owes" her $30 worth of meals, if they are eating fast food, then this has happened 4 or 5 times!) then your husband felt it was something to discuss with you b/c he is uncomfortable accepting free meals. Nothing more.

I would address THAT aspect with hubby, and leave the rest (the fact that his boss/benefactor for meals is a woman) alone.

Perhaps YOU should pack him a lunch? My husband takes his "lunch/dinner" meal (depending on what shift he has) to work almost daily. Often he makes it himself, simply because he can, he's home, he's in no rush, etc. But he prefers for me to do it for him, because he feels more loved when I make his food. I think most guys do. ;)

It doesn't have to ride with him in a brown paper sack. You can buy a good quality lunch box/sack for under $20, with a chill pak or 2, that you can pack him a healthy salad w/a side of dressing, and a cold bottle of water or tea or whatever he prefers. My husband usually takes a turkey or ham sandwich, but sometimes if there is leftover steak or chicken breast in the fridge, he puts (or I do) it cut up on top of a green salad and packs a fork. :) His work site has a cafeteria, sometimes. There always seems to be one opening and going out of business. To be replaced by a new vendor who also doesn't last. So, he just takes his own and doesn't worry about it. Lots of his co-workers do the same. And these guys (and gals) are all pulling down over 100k annually. There is no shame in a packed lunch.