Need Ideas for Disciplining 14 Month Old

J.,

He is too young for a timeout chair. He won't understand at this age. As far as throwing food on the floor etc.---they do this at this age- he is seeing cause and effect. Its normal for him to do this. What you can do is control how much you give him. Instead of placing the food all over the tray or in a bowl, give him one piece for each hand. Ignore it if he drops it on the ground--any reaction will be exciting for him good/bad. So reinforce the good.

Hope this helps.

Molly

I agree with Molly. It's completely normal and don't react. She will eventually get over it. At this age they are learning cause and effect with more then just dropping things. The reason he's repeating things you've told him not to do is to see if you're going to be consistent every time he does it. He's not doing it to be defiant or manipulative, he's doing to see what happens. I've found looking at it that way makes it easier to repeat the same actions.
I hope this helps,
C.

First off, you need to know that the terrible two's start in the 2nd year of life. The second year of life starts just after their first birthday ... not when they are 2. . Second, many of the things you describe are learning things. He's not challenging you ... he's testing life. According to many of the books, when he throws something off his high chair ... he's learning cause and effect. He throws it, it falls, you pick it up (or the dog eats it). He needs to do it over and over and over and will seem to take much delight in the predictability of it. He can also learn to feel secure if mom picks it up each time ... he will learn you will always be there for him. It's actually a terrific thing for him to do and for you to do too (although every parent knows it's tedious). My advice is to realize these might not be control issues on his part. It might not be that he's trying to be bad but instead be testing his security ... will you be there to stop him from burning himself on the stove every time??? He wants to know this. Will you say "No" every time he tries to push a sandwich into the VCR? What will happen when you don't see him? He wants to know. WHy shouldn't he. He wants to know.

So what I did was read lots of books on the different stuff kids test you with at different ages and Brazelton has some great advice. Then I proceeded to explain again and again, "That's dangerous. You will get an ow-y. I will always stop you from getting an ow-y if I can ... If I catch you before you get the ow-y. Please don't keep trying or I'm afraid you'll get that ow-y." Then if it happens I say, "I know it hurts. That's why I tried to stop you. That's why I said not to touch it. Do you understand now? Yeah, you're not going to touch it again are you? Good. Let's try to make it feel better together. Let's put some ice on it (or a band aid). I know it hurts. I burned myself once too."

Now, that said, I have seen 4 and 5 year olds be this way and then in every case I know of, it turned out to either be defiance with parents who never disciplined or parents who defie each other and the child has picked up on that and so mirrors it or it has been a developmental problem like autism or something else but that hadn't been identified yet. All can be improved by parents approaching it in a new way (see books depending on the issue) and not getting sucked into a tug-of-war with the child. It's empowering to know you can do something even if you're not the cause.

In your case ... it sounds like it's just age-appropriate learning. Because my oldest was a tall child, my first, and very communicative, I kept forgetting she was only 2 and would expect her to act like a 5yrold. With my second child my expectations are more appropriate to her age level. I still have that problem of higher expectations with my oldest and thankfully, my friends and husband keep reminding me, she's only 5 now. It's ok to take it easy on her and not win every battle... in fact, I'm learning new parenting styles that illiminate the battles. It's difficult and it doesn't come naturally to me but it's soooo worth it. I want to spend my days with her loving her not fighting with her. Her teachers and other parents tell me she's really one of the best behaved kids they've met. And she did all those things you mentioned when she was that same age.

I hope this helps.

Hiya, I have a 13 month old son and a 2 1/2 year old son. I have used time out for both of them since they were around 10 mths old. It is a different time out obviously for the younger, but it still gets the point across and surprisingly enough, the one year old does sit in his "naughty spot" for a good period of time 30 seconds or so before trying to get up. I usually put him back down for just a few minutes so he gets the idea that it is NOT a place he wants to be. I keep the spot consistant and it's out of the way a little so there is no confusion about what that spot means.
I also wanted to add, that I don't use it very often with him, only for the major things that could hurt him that are DEFINANT no no's.
Good luck. It's a faze....he's just trying to see how far you're going to let him get before he gets in trouble. Young children are far smarter than anyone gives them credit for. They may only know a little, but they HAVE that little big of knowledge mastered. :)

good luck, it gets better. There is light at the end of the tunnel..you just have to get thru the 2's and 3's to see it :)

LOL...sounds like my son!!! Feeding from his high chair is by far better than trying to eat their food like mine does. Forget the timeout...not going to work and you'll really be punishing yourselves instead. His attention span isn't that long. My son pushes the limits daily and I tell myself, that if I react showing frustration or raise my voice, it's a sign for him to continue doing what he was doing, which is getting a reaction out of me. I have learned w/my 16 1/2 month old that when he wants to throw that temper tantrum, I let him, and I 'encourage it'. I'll kneel next to him and ask him if he needs to throw a temper (as we call) and I'll insist that he does it right away, right there and then if he doesn't I will tell him, okay, I'm going to do...(whatever it was that I was doing) and he looks at me like, oh okay, I'm still not getting what I wanted. Or I like to flick his finger or leg as an attention getter. He'll be opening and closing the dishwasher door and I'll tell him no, no and the 3rd no I also ask, 'do you need a flick or swat'? And he'll say 'NO' and I'll tell him, okay then don't do that and I'll move him to something else that he can play w/. And sometimes, when 'no' doesn't work like standing on his little chair, I tell him you're going to bo boom-boom! And when he does, I say, see mommy told you, boom-boom it hurt huh. And of course I'll cuddle him and reassure him he's fine but remind him that standing on his chair he'll go boom boom.

At this age, I would suggest that you start introducing the 1-2-3 and then take it away or remove him from whatever and give an appropriate item he/she can play w/. Also a flick or a 'thick' pinch on the leg/arm as an attention getter is something to consider.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you are consistant with it and follow through. My son knows certain signs for words and believe me your child knows what he is doing and he's testing the waters. He's seeing how far he can go without getting hurt or in trouble.

I hope I've given you some idea's on how I am disciplining my little one. Good luck, you'll be fine.

While I appreciate your frustration with annoying behavior, I agree with others that he is really developmentally too young for time out. (Margot Sunderland's book on The Science of Parenting is a good guide about what is happening in the brain from birth to 5.) He is just learning about how the world works,about gravity's effect on the food leaving the tray, how we react to his behavior. Easier said than done, but staying calm is important. My son threw his cup for a long time, he even left my husband with a scar in the middle of the forehead when he threw it really hard, but each time, we would say no, and tell him to hand it to us when he was done. It took a while of being consistent with that for him to stop throwing the cup. It eventually stopped. Same with food. For me, throwing food is a sign he is done. "I see you are throwing the food, seems like you are done for now" and calmly take the food away. With my son, he usually was done (and I didn't think he was because I thought he should be eating more); if he's not, he learns that throwing food equals food going away.

I read the responses you received before writing my own. I agree with many of the other mothers, your child is developing exactly as he should, unfortunately this phase is frustrating. However, do keep in mind that it is only a phase. One of the other mothers stated that your son is in “scientist mode” when he throws things off his high chair, it’s completely true.
He is also testing your reliability, reassuring himself that you will always be there for him. When he throws things off his highchair and you pick them up you reinforce the idea that mommy can be counted on.
With that said, you do need to teach him that there are limits to this, in doing so you will help him to become responsible for his own actions. It is never too early to help your child learn.
You are a good mother. You are asking all the right questions and you will soon see that this too will pass and your child will be better for your love and patience.

Good luck!

I would agree with the other moms. It is juts a phase and NORMAL. he is doing nothing bad! We just play that game (the one where he throws everything off the table and I pick it up) until I get tired of it and then we stop. He is learning and experimenting with gravity. It is a great sign that he is developing normally and is curious about the world around him.

No need for time outs at this age. Believe me, the time will come! Until about 2, they are sweet and hardly do anything wrong intentionally. They are still learning. At this age, the best thing to do if they are doing something they should not be doing is to remove them from the situation or remove the object you don't want them playing with. OR distract them into doing something else. This is probably the best way to gently guide them. You may want to read Playful Parenting. I found it to be very useful!
Good luck!

Yes, all of those behaviors are cause and effect research like other mamas have said. Try to limit them when you can like put the dogs outside or in another room while he eats so he doesn't have that entertaining distraction.

I agree that this is part of normal development, and that viewing it as defiant behavior is simply looking at it the wrong way.

That doesn't mean that babes can do everything they want, of course. One thing that really had a positive effect on my kids' behaviors at this age was to try to never set myself up in opposition to them. I always set the tone that I am their best friend, with their interests foremost in my heart.

For instance, when my baby would throw her fork on the floor, I would sympathetically say "Uh oh! Oh no, now it's on the floor! We can't get it!" I reassure and comfort her when she fusses and objects. Then I give her another chance very quickly - acting as though it's some fresh new idea: "Hey! Would you like to use a fork? Great! Here you go, sweetheart!" If she threw it on the floor again, we'd just do it over again.

It only took a few times to learn that if she threw her fork, she wouldn't have it for awhile. But the important thing is that she didn't ever think that *I* was the one keeping her fork from her. In fact, I was always the one sympathizing with her and helping her to start over. So she learned a lesson without it being soured by angry feelings toward me or between us.

Later that really pays off because it seems like my kids are so much more likely to adjust their behaviors so that we stay happy and in harmony. I don't ever have to 'discipline' them.

He's way too young. You are overreacting. Tell him "no" when you feel like it, but otherwise lighten up. He's practically an infant.

All I can say is to make the dogs go into another room while you're eating. My 21-month-old feeds ours, too. And I grew up with my mom running an at-home day care--and EVERY little one fed the dog from the high chair. You just let him know you'd rather he didn't, and `he'll eventually at least mostly outgrow it.
Yes, he's still a few months young for timeout--and what he's doing is perfectly normal. At this point, all you can really do is to keep redirecting him. I know it feels like you're not getting anywhere, but believe me, you are. Sometime soon, that whole groups of synapses will come online, and he won't do the things that are driving you nuts right now anymore. Instead, he'll have thought up entirely NEW ways to drive you crazy! :-D

I agree with everyone else! He's normal. He's finding it interesting that when he drops stuff it ALWAYS falls down. He is also testing boundaries. Grown ups fear boundaries, but children crave them. Just ignore it. When my son starts throwing food, I take it all away and tell him dinner is done. I explain that if he's hungry he needs to eat and not throw it. That being said, he's 2 and you cannot reason with them at this age. However, model the behaviors you want him to learn! He is too young for timeout. Try redirecting his attention. When he starts playing at the table (feeding the dogs, throwing food, dropping the cup) take him away from the table. Let him do something else. Redirect his attention. Try doing "experiments" such as making bubbles with food coloring (blow through a straw in a big plastic cup) you can do this same thing with a piece of paper over the top to create art. He really is ok and it is completely age appropriate! Good luck!

http://www.chefwalton.com

My personal feelings is that developmentally, it's way too early for time out. I'd suggest reading the book Positive Discipline 0-3. The author talks about how kids this early are really following very basic developmental imperatives. she's much more articulate than i am about it, but please do check it out.

Your little one is in scientist mode when he throw things off the high chair. It's not that he's trying to be difficult. It's just that you put something in front of him, and he needs to test gravity. Keep in mind, it's a phenomenon he's still getting used to. Kids this age see something, find it interesting, and test it until they're satisfied. He's looking to you to watch him figure things out. Look what happens, Mom! This is amazing! Check out Gopnik, Meltzoff, and Kuhl's book, "The Scientist In the Crib: What Early Learning Tells Us About the Mind".

he's at the perfect age to start testing his boundaries. throwing something off the highchair and being told no doesn't make it worth it to stop doing it to see it fall from the chair. he is learning cause and effect. feeding the dogs...well, my little still does that occasionally. :) i would say your son is healthy and doing exactly what he should be :) i agree with the first post. don't make a big deal about it, because it really isn't a big deal. be happy he isn't hitting etc...good luck!

Hi J.,
I remember those days and I have to say it took me a long time to realize that it's not the action that they care about, it's your reaction. Once I finally just stopped responding to what my daughter was doing and completely ignored it she stopped. If she would throw her peas off her plate I would ignor it and then distract her. For example I'd start singing a song or ask her if she had a good day or what would she like to do after dinner and essentially pretend that it didn't happen. It was amazing,all her bad habbits just stopped after that.
Good Luck

If you haven't already done so, you might try scheduling his meals and snacks. The general rule of thumb is a meal or a snack every two hours. Then stick with those time frames and when he is just throwing the food down and not eating, either ask if he's done eating or say "it looks like your done eating" then clean him up and send him off to play. If he gets the idea that he isn't going to be allowed to do these behaviors at the table, but is still hungry, he'll get the idea to eat rather than play. As long as he has a meal or nutritious snack coming up two hours lataer, you don't have to worry that you're depriving him of food, yet are giving him the idea that you mean it when you say 'no' about throwing it down. And, as others have said, this is a very normal thing for a 14 month old to be doing. Keep calm, and don't respond with an upset or angry tone, but you can still be firm in teaching him not to do it.