Need Potty Training Help

My son is almost 5 and is just now potty training--he does have autism though...but I went to a seminar about potty training and we are throwing a Potty party for him a super hero theme and bought plain white underwear and are doing iron-ons in pirate/super hero themes and making a big deal out of this whole potty party. He is helping clean up himself, flushing, etc. and will help with the underwear decorating party tonight...hope all goes well--but he is excited...try some of these ideas, if he feels special maybe that will do it? Good luck!

I know that you are tired of cleaning up, but if it is a control issue, you have to get it back. You tell him that if he makes a mess, then he will have to clean it. It will probably be a fight but it is a fight that you must win! Start all over..no diaper or underwear, sit him on the toilet every hour, ect... Keep the rewards going, but it sounds like you are back to square one. Let us know how it goes

C. B.
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Take away all the diapers and pull-ups...go Cold Turkey. It sounds like he's trying to be in control, so take it back!

Perhaps he has developed a connection between going in his pants and you mothering him more. It says you have two boys 17 months apart but not if he is the older or younger child. If he is the older child and his brother is still in diapers, he may see you changing brother and wanting what he has so he goes in his pants. If he is the younger child it may be that he feels a sense of loss because still being in a diaper or pull up gave him a special connection to you that big brother did not share. Set-backs are not abnormal. Get rid of the pull-ups and the bedroom door lock. Develop a new connection with him that is a positive for going in the bathroom and make going in his pants more negative. Having real underwear will make an accident in his pants less pleasant. When he does go in his pants make a big deal about how he is dirty and that its yucky. When he needs to get cleaned up, make him clean up himself as much as possible. Have him pull his pants off himself and let him try to wipe himself. It is great reinforcement for when he needs to clean himself after using the toilet. Also, since it is less pleasant than Mommy taking care of all of it, this can break that association. Also, when he has a bowel movement in his underwear, have him empty out the contents of the underwear into the toilet to associate where it should really go. The next association is to build up a positive relationship between going in the toilet and the incentives he gets for doing it. It is great that he likes getting rewards such as stickers but perhaps getting some attention from you will be more fulfilling. A great big hug and something the two of you can do that he finds special will help him form a connection between doing what you want and getting what he wants.

On a side note, just to be sure you are aware of this, sometimes a toileting set back is a sign of something else going on. If someone else has access to your son in an unsupervised capacity and has done something to him inappropriately, this may be a way for him to "protect" himself. The fact that he doesn't care if he is wet and dirty all day and the fact that he wants you away when he is pooping, even locking you away from him seems a little unusual. If this were the case, the idea he might be thinking is that if I am smelly and dirty, no one will want to mess with me. My own daughter was molested by someone from our church and she had a major set back in potty training. She insisted on wearing pull-ups or diapers because they were a protective layer between her most private areas and the world. Even when children cannot tell that something has happened, they leave clues to help us parents figure it all out. Sometimes as parents we don't even want to consider things like that could even happen and it takes someone else to see it for us. I certainly hope that is not the case with your son but just wanted to bring it up as a possibility so you have the best information to help him.

As the others have said, put him back in underwear. The pull-ups are a convenience for you, but they will continue to set him back in his efforts to use the potty because it is OK to go in them - no reason for him to go to the potty.

You are going to have to deal with the clean up, but it will be better and easier in the long run. Spanking or punishing him will only set things back as well. He is very young and is still learning and needs encouragement, not punishment.

Be very matter-of-fact about it. When he has an accident, remind him that he needs to tell you before he goes and he needs to use the potty, but don't berate him or yell at him or try to make him feel guilty - this will only cause him to shy away from you and avoid confiding in you. You can certainly have him help with the clean up if he is able (you are his mother and you know what he is and is not capable of.) Just don't make a big deal out of it and move on with your day. If you make a big deal out of it, it will be a big deal for him. But if you just clean up and carry on, he won't get any extra attention and the pottying will just become part of his daily routine.

Good luck!

-N.

E.,
Welcome to the wonderful world of potty training. = ) I have a boy also and I think this is more common for boys. Little things, like constipation, a stomach bug, or even stress can cause toddlers to have problems going. If he was constipated, and it hurt to go, the next time he would try to hold it in because of the fear of pain. My son did the same thing because of constipation, then again when he had experienced diarea. Sit him down and explain that he needs to tell you if it hurts to go to the bathroom. Make him understand that it's ok to tell Mommy. The more comfort you give him (no matter how frustrated you are), the more likely he will be open and honest with you about it. Don't go back to diapers or pull-ups. That gives a child mixed signals and makes them think it's ok to go in their pants. 3 year olds are very smart and learn fast. You can try to reward him with little prizes or stickers, maybe ice cream for going in the potty. The bottom line is that it happens. You aren't doing anything wrong or bad. All you can do is turn it into a learning experience for the future. STay possitive with him and encourage him to succeed. If you explain to him that it won't hurt everytime and that he can get rashes and such from diapers, then he may be more willing to try again. Good luck!

I agree, no diapers. Also, just let him wear regular underwear. Real big boy pants. Try buying some cool underwear with pictures on it that he likes. (spiderman or something) and tell him that he needs to make sure he keeps "Spidy" clean, he sure wouldn't want to ruin his new big boy underwear!! It worked with my twin boys.

Hmmm...I personally think that spanking (as a previous post recommended) never resolves a situation but rather escalates it. My son had a similar issue and struggle and what worked with us was: we stuck with underwear as he really couldn't 'feel' when he went in a diaper or pull-up and then the best tool was an interactive chart...but hear me out... dry-erase marker wipes right off of a mirror so I just drew circles in a stack on the bathroom mirror with a super-amazing treat (my son watches almost no TV except for a movie on the weekend) so our treat was the Curious George Movie. Ten numbered circles with a bigger circle at the very top that said "Curious George" (these are his favorite stories so the idea they could be on TV was novel). When he put his poop in the potty we would fill-in a bubble (building toward that special treat...like the little fundraising thermometers that reflect progress) and when he put his poop in his pants we would empty a bubble. The goal is to take the power struggle element out of the equation and empower him to take control of himself. You want to build his confidence and let him know that he can accomplish something difficult...but not because it pleases you...because he can then feel proud of himself and his own hard work. Once you do that...it's no longer a 'you versus him' campaign, it's a "Wow! You worked really hard buddy! You should feel really proud of yourself"...and he will :)

I had so many setbacks on potty training my daughter that I can't even count them all. I did have to back up to using diapers a couple of times because I really didn't want to turn potty training into the control game it was becoming.

Finally, at three, we decided to take serious action. First, we got her to agree to stop using pull-ups. Then I had to deal with a lot of accidents.

And this is what worked in the end. We let her pick a BIG reward that she really wanted (Painting her room pick). Then, we got four sticker charts and pasted them up on the fridge. When she filled up each chart, she got a smaller reward, and when she filled up all four, she got her room painted pink.

I purposely broadened the rewards chart from JUST the potty, because I didn't want to make it too big of a deal. She got stickers for going pee pee on the potty, going poo poo on the potty, an extra one for going without me asking her, for asking for things in a happy voice (instead of whining), asking to be excused from the table when she was finished eating, sharing toys with her sister, or doing things the first time I asked.

In three 1/2 weeks, she had filled up all the charts. She was back on the potty every time, she asks to be excused at the end of every meal (so we can wash her hands before touching things) -- but we're still working on whining and listening :).

And she loves her pink room.

I agree with the control issue thing that is how my 3 yr old is . he is not potty trained yet waiting till january for the cold and wet. you need to do what ever you feel is neccessary and works for your child, people should never judge how disicpline works in each individuals house it is just not fair. good luck I was hoping to find some advise on your question. maybe try this one . my sisters daycare suggested putting his underwear on
under a pull up or his diaper cause then he would stay wet. this still involves some cleaning but maybe it will help just a shot.good luck dear

I can't help you with the potty training, but I will tell you that no 3 year old should be able to lock himself in a room alone. How would you know if he hurt himself and how would you get into the room to check on him? Get rid of those locks and you'll be doing everyone, from the child to the 911 operator to the EMS personnel.

Is he the older or the younger child? If he is the older, maybe this is something to do with the baby? Also, you don't mention if he goes to any kind of pre-school. My SIL found that her problem toilet trainer straightened out pretty quick when he realized he was the only kid in his 2 day a week preschool that was still wearing pullups. I would go ahead and talk to his pedi to rule out anything physical, but otherwise it sounds like some kind of emotion/control thing. I do think he is old enough to help clean up the mess. If you can have him help you clean himself and rinse out his clothes and pick out a new set of clothes without giving him any emotional response, just a very matter of fact approach, it may be that he will lose interest in this fight. Good luck!