Need Some Advice from Step-parents

Kids will always fantasize about their parents getting back together. I did. Do you know for a fact that she was meaning her and not you?

Yes and No. I've had my step daughter since she was 4. She is 12 now. We've gone through times when she saw her mom very seldom to very frequent. I do all of the "Mom" jobs...from decipline, "girly" stuff, school work, room parent, going to friends houses, friends coming to my house...we pay for everything...we get a minimal court ordered child support from her, but you can get much when someone doesn't work. She loves our daughter. I don't doubt that, she is good to her when she is with her. And no matter how much I do and how little she does she still gets to call her Mom and I am step Mom. As a general rule, I do not refer to her as my step daughter because I couldn't love this child anymore if she were my own...I treat her no differently than my own. I was lucky enough to get her when she was pretty little so we were able to form a tight bond. In the end, the gratification is when she comes home to me from Mom's and says, I have a rash..did she tell mom..no. She knows where her home is and she knows who takes care of her...I do. She tells people she has two moms....but will say, no that's not my Mom, that's my step mom. Ouch...that hasn't gotten easier for me...but it's the truth. I will never be her mom... I used to resent her mother for doing so little and not being the parent my baby deserved...but in the end I've come to relize...she does the best she can with what she has, however different it is from me. as long as my daughter feels loved from her mother, thats all i care about. as long as she gets kisses and hugs and encouragement, feels safe and secure, what else can you ask for, right? So, once you become secure in your roll as her Parent it will get easier..she should heart her mom..but she hearts you too...remember she doesn't get much from her mom so when she does she is super excited...she expects to get a lot from you so the excitement isn't there because it's a given to her. does that make any sense? lol...It sounds like from your post you are doing a fabulous job of bonding with your new children...(i hate the term step) keep doing what you are doing and it will keep getting stronger.
Hang in there...you'll get a I <3 too...it just may look more like a hug and a kiss... :)
Good luck. :) D.

I'm a step mom and my kids have a step mom. You are the mom of your house, you do the very best you can to help those kids have a happy life. My kids happen to have a step mom who isn't very nice to them but I try to tell them to be nice to her and maybe she will be nice to them. Their issue is a struggle with their dad and step dad (my hubby). My husband is much "better" for them than their own dad. Their dad really just has them over to his house every other weekend and they spend the whole time playing video games (which we don't have at our house). My husband actually talks to them, takes them on walks and to the park, plays with them and spends time with them. They are torn between loving their dad and loving their step dad. They feel like its a betrayal. And their dad has put even more stress on them by telling them they can't call my husband "dad". So long story short, your kids are in a very difficult situation. They have a mom that basically can't bother with them and is going thru the motions and they are old enough to KNOW that. So be there for them, love them and continue to do the best you can for them. Also google "blended families". There are a lot of great articles out there. Good luck!

I'm a step M. too. For me, the right thing is to always encourage a positive and loving relationship between the child and birth mother. I have learned to keep my opinions to myself. I have learned my role as a step mother is to back up the parents and realize that no one can replace them. I also learned to love from my heart and not compete. It may get easier and it may not. All you can do is love the child, be there to listen and love without any expectations. I would always encourage the child to express love to her mother even if M. isn't living up to her responsibilities, as it may someday snap M. into reality. It's not an easy situation to be in but you can't go wrong by showing love and support for your family. My dad made many mistakes when I was growing up and kept his distance but I always loved him and now that I'm older we are very close and I harbor no resentment. In my case my dad loved me but just didn't know how to show love to his children because no one did it for him when he was a kid. The hardest thing to do is not judge M.....I know!

Up until kids are teenagers they really just love their parents unconditionally, even when abused. Don't let it get to you. She loves her mom no matter how badly she's treating them. She might always have a soft spot for mom, maybe she's living in fantasy world where mom is nice and loving, because its too hard to deal with the reality of her being a jerk. Whatever the reason, just don't take it out on yourself AT ALL.

Best wishes!

She's probably hoping her mom will read it . . .

If you're going to stay in these kids' lives you are going to need to develop a very thick skin. JMO.

Think long and hard before you commit permanently to this situation.

Good luck.

kids always will have a natural love for the absent parent no matter how badly the parent treats them. case in point my 21 yr old went 4 yrs without seeing his dad at all. but his dad is his idol. he dad downgrades him when he is with him and he still idols him. I don't understand it but when they get older they will realize you are more of a mom than she is. my son has admitted his step dad is more of a dad than his own blood dad and still idols his blood dad. one day they will suprise you out of the blue and tell you that you were a better mom than their mom. and you will feel so proud. but for now ride the storm and dont take anything to heart. they want to love their mom and want their mom to love them and will do anything to make an imaginary relationship with her. but you and I both know where the real relationship is even though they dont want to admit to it.

dont let your heart be broken the face book thing is the relationship they wish they had with thier mom. it will get easier but from a step mom experience and a mother experience being a single mom it will get harder first and then it will get easier when they are older and relize what life is really about. all parents go through heartbreaks and steps are no exception. they may act like their mom is number one but one day out of the blue they will floor you by something they say or do. hang in there parenting is the toughest job in the world. :)

Being a stepmom SUCKS when dealing with the mom that is never there but shows up just enough to turn your step-kids life up side down again. All you can do is realize how great it is that you have that kid in your life and that they love you and respect you. In their hearts they know you are a better mother figure, but will always love their mom's. Unfortunately no matter how much we cry or hurt for the way they are treated they look past what's happened. Maybe fortunately, after all..all we want to do is protect them from heartache. If having blinders on it what it takes for that to happen, i guess it is what we have to accept. Fair trade for our blessings!

Their mother will always be their mother. Even if she commits the worst crime in the world, they will probably love her forever.

This has nothing to do with you. It is just like your daughter, she would always love you the most, even if something happened to you, no other person can change that or take your place..

These children have been through a terrible divorce. Therapist will tell you a divorce to children is just like a death. You never get over it, instead you learn how to deal with it.

On top of that, their mother has essentially abandoned them and only sees them at her leisure. Can you imagine knowing this in your heart, but not wanting to admit it out loud. The implications of the entire situation is heart breaking.

You love their father. You love your daughter. You care about these children and want to love them, but they are in terrible pain. They have lots of guilt. They want their father to be happy, but they may secretly wish he was still with their mother. This has nothing to do with you, you just happen to be the one there.

Please be yourself. Please speak as a family about goals and responsibilities. Let the children know how you feel about them and let them know you are never going to take their mothers place. They are free to speak about her, about their old life and speak with their mother at any time. Let them know you are fine with this. This home needs to be a safe place with open dialogue and real feelings.

Also let them know you want them to be happy, you want them to be safe and you want them to be the best they can be. This may mean that the times that you and their father make need to be followed. You parents are not there to hinder their lives, but to help guide them. They are too important to let run wild and not have rules.

It may take many years for you to realize that they are ok with you. Have low expectations so that any progress is great progress.

You are allowed to have feeling and to express them, just make sure you always start with "I feel like" .. "I need,,,"

I am sending you strength. They are lucky to have you in their lives.

It will get easier. But kids love their birth parents no matter what happens. She's likely trying to get her mom's attention any way she can. She knows she has yours. She doesn't have to fight to get your attention. She knows you love her.

That's what this is about. I knew I never had to fight for my stepdad's attention. But I sure did with my dad... And I gave up at about 13yrs old. He finally apologized to me when I was 23yrs old.

So the only thing "more" to her comments is a simple fishing for attention from someone that SHOULD be giving her attention. Like I said, she doesn't have to fish for attention from you.