Struggling with a Stepmother/stepdaughter Relantionship

I belong to an online stepmoms group through Yahoo! called stepmomsinneed. I get great support and advice there, if you'd like to give it a try.

Dear Patty,
I have lived a very similar situation with a Stepdaughter. She is grown now and the mother of 3. Let me tell you that in no way is she like her Mom. We remain close and I sincerely love those grandkids !

Continue to do as you have always done because it is the right thing to do. When we do the right thing, we never have any worry or regret.

Best Wishes !

Dear Paty,
I can't imagine what you are going through.
However, as a step-daughter I can only give you advicebased on my personal experience.

Love her. No matter what, love her like your own and learn to forgive, forgive, forgive.
When my step-mother was introduced into my life I was not happy. I felt like she didn't love me as much as her own children and she had stolen my father away.
As an adult now, I realize that she loves me just as much as her own. She loves my son as if he were her own and after some years of hurt and turmoil, she is now one of my best friends.
Believe me, I hurt her. I said things that she could have held against me. My sister and I would do things to try to get rid of her. I am ashamed to say that. But in the end, my relationship with her is one of the most valuable ones I have.
She has never brought up the past or the pain that I caused. She has never spoken one bad word about my mother. In fact, she was always very positive about her and would let me talk about her openly, whether it was good or bad.
She has simply loved me. She always said, "I am not your mom. I am your dad's wife. But God put me here not just for your dad, but for all of you. I hope that one day we can be friends and maybe you will even look at me as a confidant and someone you trust like a mother."

I will never forget those words.

I pray that God will give you strength and wisdom in this situation and bring a peace that passes understanding to your heart and life.

Ü

Paty B,

I admire your courage to ask for help in this situation. I was a step mother of 4 for 12 years, have since divorced but still have a relationship with them. The oldest daughter lived with us for most of the marriage and she acted out starting at 12 or so. It is probably not personal just part of being a teenager. She is now 26 and has even apologized for being such a "horrible teenager" her words not mine. I love her dearly and am as proud of her accomplishments as those of my son. She still introduces me as her mom without any reservations or explanations. Just keep loving your stepdaughter and realize that even though it might not seem like it she is paying attention to how you live your life. You are her best example regardless of the words her mother uses. Stay positive and keep loving her.

Ex step mom in Texas

First and foremost, I am sure alot of the pulling away you are feeling is normal teenage girl stuff. Gaining her independance and such. I often feel like I have to make an appointment with my daughter & step daughter just to get their laundry baskets!!!

Secondly, even if her mom is putting thoughts into her head it is only a matter of time before she will realize how much you love and care for her. It may take some time but as she matures, she will come to see what an important part you have been in her life and how you have always accepted her as your own. If you say anything negative about her mom that is only going to villianize you in her eyes so its best to let her figure it out in her own way and time.

You are exactly right...all you can do is keep loving her as you always have and let time work things out.

Hi paty, I am K.. I too am 33 with an 11 yr old daughter. And I can tell you the hormones or pre-hormones are taking over. I am recieving a lot of feed back from her at times and I AM her bio mother, yet that makes no difference. I think it is just partialy the age. They are coming into thier own and it is a scary time. The peer presurre at school begins to mount and the self image they have of them selves is so crucial to them. She may be feeding off her bio mothers attitude, yes, but it may be partially her trying to find out who she is for her self. It is a tough time for a girl, remember how hard it was for us. The changes in body, feelings about others, wanting to be accepted no matter what. If she is trying to feel that she is totally accepted by her mother, then the neg. thoughts from her mom are probably making her feel like she isn't being true to her or the fact that SHE is her mother if she runs to or shows affection towards you in the same fashion. You relationship is still there I am sure, just being masked by her own desire to be her moms number one. If you have a relationship with her, it is still there, just buried under the clutter of life right now. Be true to you and don't play the tactics of the other mom, and she will one day see that you are there for her, and that another womans opinion, can be the greatest asset she has. ALL Moms, are awsome friends and your step-daughter will realize that at some point. Just be there, and there more than likely, will come a time that her bio-mom will not give in or will take sides against what she thinks she needs or wants, and she will come looking for a second opinion and yup, you will be there for her. That is what is most important I feel. Never give up, never stop loving her :) As my own mother keeps reasurring me, THIS TOO SHALL PASS !

As a child of two sets of parents, I had difficulty growing up and deciphering who exactly was 'Mom' and who was 'Dad'. My mother's husband never coerced me to call him anything but his name. As a choice when I grew older, I called him 'dad' simply because he was. My father did not like this and it hurt him badly. My stepmother did not come into the picture until I was 16. As an adult, I love all my parents. I go to my stepmother more and have a better relationship with her than my own mother. As a parent whose children have a stepmother, I am greatly grieved that they are told to call her 'mom'. She is NOT their mother, though she has been a large part of their lives. The point isn't what you are called or not called, the point is that the child is loved. The more love the child is offered, the better chance at a healthy adulthood he/she has. Continue to reach out to this pre-teen and when you have the chance, talk openly with her (but do not interrogate nor expect much response). Remind her of all the love you have to give her and that you would never try to replace the love of her mom...you would greatly like to add to the love she receives. Tell her that you have noticed a change in your relationship and that you understand that she may be going through some tough situations in her pre-teen life. Remind her that you are there for her when she needs you, even though the distance between homes has extended. NEVER speak poorly about her mother to her or around her. That will only separate her from you, as she will be hurt. Don't give up. Continue in your love and support of her. The Word says to grow children in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it.

You are dealing with two different issues here- first off your stepdaughter is a preteen, what this means is that one day you walk down to the breakfast table and find a complete stranger sitting there and you will wonder where that sweet little girl went. It has nothing to do with being the biological or step mother. They pull away, they say hurtful things- in general are a royal pain...and this is where we teach them the lesson of unconditional love and what family is. Trust me, most times when people need love the most in their lives is when they are the most unloveable. This sounds like a fairly confusing situation to start with and this little girl is in the process of trying to find herself- it is not going to be an easy task for her either.
As for her calling you Mom last summer- well, try putting yourself in her Mothers shoes for a moment, how would you feel if your boys started calling someone else Mom?. For her Mom it was like a giant slap in the face to give her title to someone else. Perhaps her mother is not trying to poison her against you but struggling to hold onto the relationship they once had also. It is obviously important to her mother, is it that important to you?.
Let her Mom be her Mom, her Dad be her Dad and you be her step mother...each of you have a very important roll and impact in her life. You all need to work together to the best of your ability for this child without letting the child use you against each other.

FYI...you are right to keep doing what you are doing, which is to love her. Also, suggest that she calls you Mom Paty instead of just Mom, that would help her deal with the negative that her biological mother is telling her. It is also possible that her mom has told her that her father left her pregnant for you. Also, get your husband to talk to her about the situation. She should be happy that you are loving towards her daughter and proud of the relationship that the two of you have.

Keep loving her. You can't fault your stepdaughter for her stupid mother.

Don't take it so personally, she has reached the age for this. If you had a good relationship with the MOM, she would probably tell you that the young lady is doing the same thing at home. I have an assortment of step kiddos, ages of 19,22,25,27,29,and 30. Then my 3 ages 17,14,and 6. I've been with their dad for 8 yrs. I will be with him till death do us part. I have lengthy experience, with ungrateful little (shits), and pristeen MOM's.
You have done all that you can. When MOM wasn't an option you and she should have discussed it and found another significant name.
Her mothers selfishness will be put to hte test as the rebelious years set in, it is important that your husband not step up now anymore than he has before. Make the mom deal with you about the situations that are coming. Like it or not, it will take combined efforts.
Just don't let this affect your kids at home. They are watching and learning from how she treats you and how you respond.

Hi Paty,

This is really a difficult situation to be in, and I am sorry that despite your efforts you are going through this. I actually have 2 different views on this so I hope I can help.

My brother and I grew up with my Mom but visited my biological father fairly regularly until he started his third family. I inherited a step mother that was 22 years younger than my father and had no children, so you can imagine the struggle. I had a similar problem, but the roles were reversed. My mother still to this day, despite any history of wrong-doing, will not speak a negative word about my dad or his wife (she really just doesn't even think twice about them). But growing up and still as an adult my step mother and father have taken issue with my Mom and my step-dad (who I call Dad). My best advice to you is to remain positive. My father and I communicate/visit three times a year at best and that is because my Mom convinces me to do so for my daughter. Throughout our issues as children and adults, my Mom has still remained positive about the situation and never sank to their level. Even when we came home from their house and had to be "re-programmed" to act as we were expected around my mother's house - with our bad attitudes from discussions with my step mother and father about my mother - she remained positive. Now as a divorced (re-married) mom I have learned from their mistakes and can see that it was a jealousy issue all along.

From the aspect of a divorced mom: my daughter asked my husband this year if she could call him Dad. He ofcourse was flattered and accepted. Yes, my daughter's father filled my daughter with negativity, but only because he thought I was attempting to push him out of her life. After a discussion with my ex-husband's wife I cleared up the misunderstanding and also learned that my daughter calls her step-mom "Mom." As far as my little girl is concerned, if she changes her mind and reverts back to their first names, so be it. We have left that entirely up to her, provide the example of my own life where her grandpas on my side are both my dads, and am happy to say that we couldn't be happier for her. If she is that comfortable with her step mother and step father, I can't help but think that she will benefit from the love and support. Please don't get me wrong, my relationship with my ex is certainly not a bed of roses (we don't speak - I communicate with his wife), but I had to acknowledge this issue and try to work through a solution for my little girl's sake. If at all possible (which I know in many cases it is NOT POSSIBLE), try to talk with both your step-daughter and her mother about this. Explain that you are not trying to replace her because it isn't possible, and you wouldn't want that for your step-daughter. It's okay to have two moms or dads, and no matter what you call them their feelings for you will never change - that is the most important part.

Sorry so long, and hope this helps,
B.

WOW, it seems that we are sort of in the same situation. Except for it is my boilogical daughter, and she is now living with my mother and step dad, and it seems as though I have become the outcast. the only thing that I can say is that I feel for you. I too have been a step-parent, and that job alone is very hard to do, let alone when the biological parents starts putting negative thoughts into a childs head. the only thing that I can say is that you are right in hoping that one day she will grow up to see what you have done for her, and that you have always been there for her. just as I hope that one day my daughter will be able to do the same thing.
my daughter left me, after my son (her half-brother) passed away in 2006, i divorced, and then there were some family issues that came up. so for us it was a very stressful time for about 2yrs. we got to a point where we did not know how to deal with each other anymore. and she wanted to go live with my mother and step-dad. I allowed it, thinking that i was looking out for her own best interest. That desition seems to blow up in my face on a daily basis. but its what she wanted, and i am the one that is truely left alone. no husband, no children, a outcast to my family - just simply alone........... I feel your pain, and i am sorry that you are going through such a rouph time. you are a mother, so just keep Mothering......

You keep loving her and treating her fairly and lovingly and she will grow to see how vindictive her mother is. It's sad, she seems to be trying to please both of you. (I am a step-daughter, I know how it feels to be in the middle of adult problems- it's devestating!) The best thing you can do for her is this- try your best to have a relationship with her mother (despite how she treats you, you treat her well.) and also do not put her in the middle! Make a point of saying nice things about her mother and not being negative about her. When she's there, do a craft and say, "Let's make one for your mom, how about that?" Help her get a present for her mom for Christmas or soemthing. Let her know that you have no bad feelings about her or her mom and she will come to learn that YOU are her ally, friend, confidant, & mother and not her messed up biological mother. Also talk to hubby about making a point to his daughter that he also has no hard feeling towards her mother. If the 12 year old child thinks for a second that she is the cause or that something is her fault, she will take the burden of your adult problems on herself and it will be disasterous. Ignore your true feelings of this woman (clearly she's messed up.) and treat her kindly. It's the best for your daughter... Good luck and many prayers!

Hi, I am a stepmom. My 2 stepkids are grown now & married & have babies. I met them when she was 12 and he was 9. Their mom talked bad about their Dad's family and I believe some of mine as they accepted them both as family. I never said anything ugly about their mom, always positive to things they would say about their mom & her family. Only once within the 1st year I told their mom, as well as their Dad, don't ever make the kids choose between you, they can't do it. She continued through the years to say & do things. I left it alone and was always polite. It did stress the kids some especially through the teenage years, but they did both figured it out and understood. It backfired on her really.
So keep loving your stepdaughter, always be honest with her, never say anything bad about her mom, only positive. Keep your time with her about your family, this is her home too. She is at an awkward age and is dealing with loyalty to parents and obviously understands how much you truly, not superficially care about her, like a mom. Don't stop, she will get there. The choice is hers as to what she wants to call you and let her know how honored you feel when she calls you mom. If mom persues you about it, then let mom know she needs to take that up with her daughter. But let your stepdaughter know whatever she chooses, you are always there for in any capacity (mom, friend, stepmom)and truly love her as if she "were her own".

Hi Paty,
Keep doing what you are doing; especially now that she's in puberty "trying to find herself". She sounds like she already has a one bad influence with her biological mom - don't you betray her also. Yes, she has hurt you. That's what step-kids, ex-wives, and pubescent kids do. If she keeps coming back with the "mom" thing - sit her down with a talk stating how much you love her, think of her as yours. I always have told kids that babies come from many places, ie - some come from the angels, some from test tubes, some from their mom's belly. Tell her you were blessed because you got to choose her! She will come around, someday, some place, and it may not be for many years - I have one 31 y/o that I raised that has come back many times with regrets on how she treated me; kids should never have to grow up with regrets when it comes to family. It's not her fault she is being brain-washed, but it is your fault if you turn your back on her when she probably needs you the most.
God Bless ya; step-parenting is one of the hardest jobs there are!!!
K.

Check out the website for www.divorceandchildren.com. Christina McGhee is a step-mom of 2 and mother of 2 and happily married and has EXCELLENT info on her website. I think you can sign up for a newsletter which I get and you can also write her a note or call. This is Parent Alienation in an odd form but the pain is still the same I'm sure.

She has given me some great input in dealing with an exwife and trying to feel a part of my husband's children's lives.

My father-in-law became a step parent of 6 in his 40's and his advice to me was as you said, you be consistent and loving and supportive and she will know the truth one day.

In the meantime, get some support from Christina's website.
Good luck. And the girl is lucky to have a Mom and a Dad who is willing to love her and accept her -- and she may be testing to see if you will abandon her. The reassurance she gets from you will affirm to her she is indeed loveable.

It looks like you are doing all the right things - continue to be your caring self. Contine to email and call, and consider your step daughter part of the family.

Yes it's true, her mother is most probably the roadblock with the relationship - that is why you need to stay consistant with what you've always done. Understand it may take YEARS. Usually in these cases, the child involved will come around. As the child ages, she will see her mother for what she is. Sometimes it takes a friend who they confide in, to plant a seed. As a kid, we dont' want to think negative things about our parents

I know it's difficult! Hang in there! We all know how cruel kids can be with their comments and actions. When the daughter makes you feel bad, just remember what she has to deal with at home - that awful mother. Who knows what she has to deal with at home? It would be good if you could get your husband to say something to her when she gets out of bounds. Would he do this?

Hi Paty
I don't really have any advice for you. I just wanted to say that I can see that you're doing the best you possibly could with the situation. I am kind of in the same situation myself except my bf left his wife and then shortly after we hooked up and his ex thinks I seduced him away from her. He has 2 daughters, one is 13 and one is turning 15 in a week. I met them about 3 yrs ago and in the beginning things were wonderful. They took a quick liking to me and we got along well. The first year was great. Until, kinda like your situation, when their mom found out that they were having a good time with me, us, whenever they came over (every other weekend), she started making them feel bad about coming to see us. From what we gathered from the kids, she'd repeatedly tell them "dad left us" and refer to our house as the house of the devil. After that, things went downhill pretty quick. They wouldn't come to visit us anymore out of fear that their mom will be upset. She'd also purposely plan things for them on our weekend and make it difficult. She's gone as far as to giving them a hard time whenever they did come over. She'd ignore them for days or snap at them. I totally understood cuz if I were them, I'd be afraid too. I understood that they come to visit us every other weekend but have to live/deal with her and her wrath on a regular basis. It wasn't worth the hassle for them. Now, about 2 years later, things aren't the greatest but they are definitely getting better. They're much better than what they were. My bf and I always said that we're just going to keep doing what we do, treat them well and never bad mouth their mom like she does us and hopefully one day, they'll see that their mom was wrong to have made them feel bad about seeing their dad and for turning them against him. I think it's a matter of time before they realize all this. They are getting there gradually as they mature. There's still a long way to go to recoup the lost time/damage but I believe one day things are going to be good. The same with your 12 yr old stepdaughter, just give it time and continue to do what you do, love her and treat her well as you've been doing and she will come to understanding everything in due time. I read somewhere once, "They say parenting is the toughest job ever. But step-parenting is even tougher".
Best Wishes to you!
HJ

All I can say is, don't blame her, she is a 12 year old girl in a very tough situation. Starting puberty and living in such confusion cannot be easy for her, and now with you and her father moving away, that has to hurt her badly.

I don't understand parents who are the way her mother is, my philosophy has always been that a child could never have too much love. If I were her mother (even though it would hurt for my child to call another woman mom) I would just be happy that the person caring for my child loved her.

I have a 5 year old stepdaughter and I feel about her the same way you do about yours. I've been in her life since she was 3, she doesn't call me mom, but I don't encourage it either. I figure she has a mother. Its going to be a little more complicated when our baby arrives because we'll have one in the house calling me Mama and one calling me K., but thats OK :)

After being so long winded i guess i'd just say , let her know you love her and are there for her then take a step back and let her sort it out, or get your husband to talk to his ex....

Who knows, she'll be 13 soon and she can then choose who she wants to live with, maybe it will be you guys :)

I have two step kids. Blended families are NEVER easy! The only blended families I see that don't have issues are the most disfunctional. Ones where the step parent does not parent but buddies up with the child and buys their love or becomes a sibling rather than a parent figure.

It appears to me from your email that you may need to set some boundaries with your husband. It's not fair for you to be the one to rescue his child from a crazy biological mother. I set the boundary early in our family dynamic that my husband was to be home when his children were home. I was not willing to raise his kids for him. It needed to be a joint/united effort. So it's been six years and it's rare that he's gone on business or what ever when the kids are with us. That is his reality and he has to live with it.

Also you said your stepdaughter has hurt your feelings a couple times in the past year. Well it gets worse. She's at the age where she'll be trying to see what sticks and what gets stopped. So make sure you are addressing issues as they come and then letting them go. You love the girl but not always her choices!

Hope this helps.
T

Paty,
Unfortunately, I am in a very similar situation. My husband has had custody of my 12 year old step daughter since she was 5. Her mom lives in Iowa and we are in Texas. She certainly does not have the relationship with her mom that she would want, due to her mom's irresponsibilty and lack of parenting skills. I have been in our (step)daughter's life for the past 3 years and we have been married since September 2007. During our engagement, she asked if she could call me Mom. I told her she can call me whatever she felt comfortable with. She made a huge effort to call me mom after that. After a few months, this stopped. No explanation, just stopped. I kind of hurt, but I let it go. On Friday of last week, she shared with me that she had to tell me somethign but didn't know how. We are very open (within boudaries) with one another so I told her to go ahead and say it. She shared that if I wanted to know why she stopped calling me Mom was because her Mom told her not to. Though I had let it go before, now I was angry. ALl night I stewed in calling her Mom every name in the book in my head. She has a tendency to "poison" our daughter the same way your husband's ex does! After an all night and all day process of the situation, I came to such a conclusion:
No matter what she calls me, I am her Mom. I have all the responsibilities of a Mom and she gets all the "perks" of being my child. I had to ask myself, what was more important? That she calls me mom or feels that I'm her mom. Even though she glorifies everything her Mom does as if she walks on water, I know she appreciates the role I play in her life. I know your daughter feels the same. Hopefully, when they are 18 or 20 years old, we can get a big thank you for the way we continue to treat them. Until then, as "Moms" we have to keep trucking along, do our best, and nurture them the way we would any other child in our life.
Best of luck to you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there! We "Moms" have to stick together!

Hi,
I'm a mom, grandma, mother of 4 and step-mother of 3. My story is different from yours in that I didn't get step-kids till they were grown and their mother is a fairly nice woman. That said, I'm concerned that your husband, the girl's father is not taking a more active role in helping you through this. Twelve is such a fragile age when all sorts of stuff is happening to her body as well as her thought process. Yes, keep on loving her - if you really love her, how could you stop?
If she hurts your feelings, tell her. She has to recognize the consequences of what she says. Tell her also how much you love her.
If you have the financial resources/health insurance, seek some counselling to help you understand the dynamics of this whole situation and to get some feedback to help YOU. What do you boys think of this?

Dear Paty,
I really do feel for you hon about this situation. I have never had to deal with the 'step' relationships, but I have two grown daughters of my own with kids of their own now and it was often a very rocky ride with them. It is very important that you continue to love and support your step-daughter no matter what. She is approaching those roller-coaster teen years and she will have mood swings that NO ONE will be able to understand. This is not a personal attack on you...it just the way it is. You are really gonna have to keep that sweet tender heart of yours, but develop a much thicker skin to get through the teen years. Since the "Mom" thing is such an issue with her biological mother, the two of you (you and the step-daughter) need to have a heart to heart and come up with some name that is personal and special between the two of you. No matter what happens (and believe me a lot is going to over the next few years) you keep loving this young lady and when she's grown she'll figure out the whole thing and you'll be happy about every investment in time and love that you have made in her life. God Bless You in this journey...D.

Dear Paty,

Let me help you here by giving you the only advice that I can, your step-daughter will grow up one day and discover the truth about her relationship with her mother. If she has deen deceitful and manipulative, then she needs to uncover this on her own.

I tell you this because I am divorced and my sons know that I love them, yet their father has tried his best to put me down, etc. My sons are learning on their own that mom tells the truth.

My ex cheated on me and now he is married to her. I am happy for him. I have moved on in my life. I have had to work extremely hard at being nice to my ex for my children's sakes.

You reap what you sow...you sow love, you'll get love.

Good luck to ya darling!!

P.

Wow, that is tough. You know I think she is going through a lot right now. She is probably dealing with a bunch of hormones and begnning to search for her own identity. I think you are right you just have to love her and try to connect with her as much as you can when she comes over as well as not put any added pressure on her. Even without this situation she is at an age where pulling away a little is natural. My father was pretty terrible but one thing my mom did was she made sure she never said one negative thing about him in my presence. I came from him and she never wanted me to feel there was something wrong with me. I think that really helped my self esteem. And you know I have broken my mom's heart a bunch of times and now as an adult we have a great relationship. She just hung in there and kept loving me and giving me the guidance that I needed. I think as you love her and do your best to nurture her, even if there are some rocky roads ahead in the end you guys will make it. I also want to encourage you to talk to God about it, because he can change her mom's heart in this matter and He is really the only one who can. I think that all you have done for her and how you have received her in your life will be something that she will really appreciate someday even if it takes a while. :)

WOw, that's a tough way to start a relationship, but at least you have been involved from the beginning. Does the daughter know the situation? Unfortunatley, you have no control over the ex-wife, and the ex-wife has total control over the step daughter. How far away do you live from her? The teen years are right around the corner, and the relationship will probably worsen before it gets better.....Only because it sounds like her mom is a friend to her, and you are a mom to her! Just hang in there, I am sure it will get better....just tell her you love her every time you see her or talk to her!

I am going through almost the exact same thing with my stepson. His mother is just as you describe her mother to be. He is starting to pull away from my husband which cuts him deeply. I have come to the realization that my stepson (about to be 13 years old) is a child that doesn't know whats best for him. We are the adults and have a better idea of what he really needs. In the end, you have to ask yourself, what decision won't keep me awake at night? What can I live with? The day your stepdaughter realizes the truth about life or when she becomes a mother herself, she will know, without a doubt, that you were always there for her. Even with all she put you through, your love was true and constant. Nobody ever said motherhood would be easy, but it's definitely worth it.

I'm sorry your going thru this, rejection from family is so hard. Continue to be there for her. Loving her doesn't mean being a door mat either. You have your own kiddos that are watching. She has a mom so don't allow her to call you that since it affends her mother. Her mom may would have been a little less quick to cast stones, probally not likely from the sounds of her though. She will figure it out own her own when she gets older so keep being loving and understanding and sadly enough she'll figure out what her mom is about. Hopefully she has been with yall enough that goodness sweeps her instead of her growing up to be sneaky like her mother. Please always let her know that your there for her but your not her mom. God instructs us to obey our parents, it doesn't say if they parent good. So God will bless you in your situation if you steer this child in the right direction. Good luck, and you've done a really great job, your husband should feel so blessed.

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. It sounds like your step daughter is entering her teen years and your relationship is headed for a bumpy part of the road. Try hard not to wear your heart on your sleeve for a while but don't harden your heart to her either. Just put on your "parent" hat and realize that you being someone in her life that she can count on to be consistent is the best gift you can give her. You'll both come through it with a greater respect and love for each other.

I went through a very difficult time with my own daughter and she hurt me like I never thought possible. I just held my ground and loved her through it the best I could. Our relationship is on the mend now and it has trasformed into an adult/adult child relationship instead of parent/child. I also read a book called something like Love & Logic that helped quite a bit.

Best wishes for you both.

Paty, Never stop loving or being nice to your step-daughter because you are a positive constant in her life. With her mom having so many character flaws she needs to know there is someone she can count on. She has been in your life for a very long time and as hard as it might be you need to ignore her mother's attitude or it will eat you up inside. Just because your step-daughter does not call you mom does not mean she doesn't have respect for you or love you. In reality you are not her mom and she should call you something else. If you were to encourage her to only call her real mother "mom" then I think you would save yourself a lot of grief from her mother. You two have a special relationship and I suspect her mother is jealous of that and there is nothing you can do about her bad character flaws. Your step-daughter is entering a new stage in her life and her hormones are going to get in the way of things. Sometimes she will get mad and not even know why - just like we did when we were that age. But she needs your support more then ever now. Be the kind and loving person that you are to her so that she knows she can always count on you. If you are having tough times with her I am sure her mother is having even worse. Children need to have a stable "normal" person in their life and she needs this from you. Please don't give up on her because someday she is going to grow into an adult and it would be far better if she picked up some of your traits instead of her mother's. Good luck.
A. J

My sweet sister,
It's hard to love a step-daughter like your own and have them turn in their teens. I am struggling with that, as well. The bottom line is love. You must continue to be faithful to her, even when she hurts you, because that's what mothers do. Be faithful, continue to write to her even when she doesn't return the favor. Continue to speak truth to her, and don't speak badly about her mom. This is a time when she's struggling with loyalty. She loves you, but sees that it hurts her biological mom, so she has to do something to keep that home safe, you know? She wants to make everyone happy, but can't, so she takes what seems to be the route of least resistance. She's always been able to count on you for love, support and understanding and she's counting on that now. It's kind of a back-handed compliment. She trusts you to love her even when she's not lovable. Show her she's not wrong. Then, when the time is right, share with her the truth about how we treat those we love, and that you love her enough that her actions affect you. Make sure she feels secure - that's the greatest gift you can give her during this time of stress. Be the light for her. My best wishes to you,
M. :-)

It sounds like you have done everything right. Please do not take this out on your step daughter. At the age of 12, she could turn on you whether she was your own biological daughter. That is a tough age. Just hang in there. In the end she will know who treated her right. I speak from experience. My son was raised by his stepfather and myself. He saw his father on occasion. I always encouraged a relationship with his father. He is 24 now and does work for his biological father but adores his step father and says that is the man who raised him and gave him all of his good values. As far as the calling you Mom. It really doesn't matter what she calls you. Pick a cute nickname. My son did call both of them Dad but he always lived with us. You can try talking to her mother and explain it is like having more than one grandparent. Mor love to give. Anyway, good luck and please hang in there. Don't take your hurt out on the girl. Like I said at that age they can easily turn into th Loch Nest Monster. Especially when she has one for a birth mother.
PS. Remember, divorce is especially tough on kids. They never really get over it. Having to go from house to house and deal with the whole picture can be overwhelming sometimes. Whatever you do, don't insult her mother in front of her because her mother is a piece of her and you might as well tell her she is no good too.

I myself am a step-mother of 2 daughters. One is 19 years old and the other will be 11 years old next month. Both girls have different mothers which can be very difficult, but my oldest step-daughter and I get along great. The youngest onthe otherhand can have its moments. Like you, our problems were with her mother. I have found over time that even though it can be extremely hard, you will have to be the adult and talk to her mother. The only way you will be able to have a healthy relationship with your stedaughter is to get her mother on board. She will have to learn that you will be a great step-mother in order for her to allow her daughter to become closer to you. Beleive me it isn't a matter of her not loving you it is a mtter of her not wanting to hurt her mom by loving you. I hope this helps and beleive me when I say... I understand because I am there myself!!

My stpdaughter, who was actually the person who got me to join mamasource, went through several phases before she was grown. As the stepmom, my heart was broken many many times as I watched her grow away from me and then back towards me. My love for her cannot even be expressed in words. Her mother was jealous of our relationship. And I can understand that. Had my son had this close of a relationship with his stepmother, I would have been hurt beyond repair!! Luckily that did not happen. Try to see how scared your husband's exwife must be. You would be too.
Be patient. Even though my stepdaughter is 36 years old now, I NEVER refer to her as my "stepdaughter". She is my daughter!! And her children are my grandchildren in every sense of the word. They have no idea I am not their "real" grandmother. I am just "Nana" to them.

There are so many things in life that you have absolutley NO contol over. AS cold as that sounds.....get over it! Enjoy her when she is with you. I wish I could tell you that whe will eventually see "the light" but, sadly that is not always true. My daughter still tries so hard to get recognition, love, and approval from her mother. The nice part is that she does not have to try to get this from me ...she already has it, and she knows this.