Need Some Suggestions to Help Get My Son Motivated for Homework!

Don't give up on this one. It only gets worse. Set a clear expectation that it needs to get done and see what time works best for him as each child is different. My daughter has to get everything else off her plate and do her homework right before bed. My middle son does it right when he gets off thhe bus. My youngest (the 9 year old) needs to play outside awhile and then get down to business after dinner. Find a time that works, but keep after this one.

Hi L.!
Welcome to my life and often 'nightmare' between 4:30-7:30PM M-TH.....We have a third, second, first and kindergartener...and ALL boys no less....fun fun fun....and not one self-motivator in the bunch..yikes...I am a teacher and had all sorts of 'good ideas' when I was childless...ha .....I am not an expert and simply throw out ideas for you to try....many have worked....

-have you tried getting him a timer that HE sets for himself and gives himself the goal to beat...much like a game to race against his time...and then give pts..tickets...extra min to stay up etc. for small rewards when HE beats HIS OWN goal.... I have two that LOVED to be timed and race....the other two could care less...

-I am not sure when you are having him do hmwk but I have to switch from time to time as they NEED to run around for 15-30 min when they get out of school versus going right back into sitting down and working....it has helped lately with the warmer weather creeping in...that has it problems too though as they get hooked into being outside and then you almost have to drag them back in to sit down again.....

-I also save some kids and some assignments on some days for DADDY to sit and do with them as it is MUCH FASTER and without all the whining and drama they seem to dish out to Mommy.....(fun that is...) Like Daddy does bigger projects over the long term....and reads with at least one of them each night....he also drills the math facts as he takes NO garbage and gets through it MUCH FASTER than if with me....

I know these are not BRILLIANT solutions or the miracle cure but keep at it....my older sister in Phx had the BIGGEST whiner/complainer/procrastinator homework doing son pretty much of all time for YEARS.....and he is about the graduate and head off to college in the Fall and he JUST said to her last week when she reminded him about getting a form filled out and turned in..."That's okay Mom, that is not your responsibility, I have it handled..".....okay now is that not music to your hears.....so there is hope for us....perhaps a bit down the seemingly LONG road ahead but none the less hope....if we don't lose our minds in the mean time.
Good Luck,
M.
Farmington Hills, MI

I have a 5th grade son and know other boys who have done this same thing, so its very 'normal'. Try rewarding the preferred behavior as a way to motivate rather than punishing the negative behavior. Rewards can be play outside, play with a special toy, read a book to him (If he considers that a reward), go do something special on the weekend after a week of good homework doing. We say 'work hard, play hard.' Also I have found that if my son is given a 'choice' in the process or has some input things go better, like: "What time will you start on your math, 4:00 or 4:30?" or "Would you like a snack before you start your math?" "What do you want to do first, math or spelling?" Get the idea - the child get to have input, but you are guiding to do exactly what you need them to do. Try it, it works. Just don't let them decide anything beyond what YOU control. And don't reward with a bunch of things or super special stuff because it is the expectation that they do their homework, they shouldn't get 'paid' to do it. But they should be instilled with the notion that hard work brings reward rather than punishment. I would spend the time experimenting now on how to get him motivated so that it doesn't become more of a problem in later years. If you discover what motivates your child now, it will lend insight to the teen years.

H iLisa!

Is this a change in his behavior, or has he always been reluctant to do homework? If his grades are suffering, perhaps you need to look further than a motivation problem. He might need an evaluation for a learning or focusing problem. I suggest you start with your doctor or your school. Call up the principal and explain to them what you have explained here, an evaluation maybe in order. You will need to do this now to get help for next year, the wheels turn very slowly. At the same time, call your pediatrician and explain the same thing to him and follow what he/she recommends.
IF motivation is truly the issue, have you tried a structured atmosphere? If he ahs been given the choice of doing something other than homework, then he will choose that, so don't make it a choice. I know that at the end of the school day, one of my children just couldn't focus anymore, her brain was tired! We tried all different kinds of schedules, such as taking a break after school, snack, play, etc. and what works best for her is just doing the homework as soon as she gets in. If we wait until later it takes hours for her to do what should be a 20 minute assignment. It also requires me to be there with her and not allowing any whining or I walk away. Good luck!

L.,
Have you tried doing your homework with him? Maybe you could sit at the dining room table together each doing your homework, If he starts to complain, wander, etc, try actually explaining to him that while school seems silly to him, its very important for you and explain why its important to you and why you are attending school full time. Speak the truth, at 9 they understand more than you think.
my kids started about the same age acting up, we had to get into a complete routine, they get home from school, no tv, they get a piece of fruit or a yogurt nothing with sugar. They then start straight on their homework. I used to give them 1 hour to get it all done. If it wasn't done in that hour, then they went to bed earlier, we (my husband and I) decided that the amount earlier would be the exact amount of time it took them over the hour to get their homework done. Since in 3rd grade they had an 800 bedtime, 830 lights off, there was a few times one or the other was off to bed at 7pm... when it was nice out they sure hated having to be in bed earlier than normal....
I was awful about not "following thru" so what I did was set the kitchen timer when they started their homework and when it rang, if they weren't done, then they wrote down the time on a sheet of paper and when they were finally done, they had to tell me how much time they spent over the hour... (mind you the hour wasn't firm, if there was a research project, then we allowed for more time..) but by them figuring out the time, they were doing math skills....
On Friday's we sat down totalled up the amount of time they took over all week....It didn't take them long to figure out that they were spending to much time complaining about doing the work, as opposed to just doing it and getting the work done...
Good luck, Its a struggle, but if you hang in there and be consistant it will pay off, my son is in 7th grade (which they have said is the worst year for homework)and he comes home, grabs a piece of fruit and starts on his homework, no questions asked....

We had a similar problem with my son. He would whine forever. We made a deal that when he got home he got an hour to do whatever (he got home at 4 and we ate around 5:00) After supper, there was no activitiese until the homework was done. There was alot of whining and messing around (looking at the sky etc) but eventually he figured out that we meant business. After a few months he got down to business and could finish his homework alot quicker. Oh, I checked it too because for a while he would rush through and do a lousy job. So there was no activities until the homework was done and checked. Good luck!

Both of you could do homework together since you are going to school too. Plus boys can sometimes get antsy. Maybe let him finish a page or half a page of homework and let him take a small break for five or 10 minutes. Third grade is a big transition year for kids. There is more book work to do. If there is spelling words to practice let him do it actively by tracing words with his finger in flour, sugar or sand. He says the word as he is writing it in the material of your choice. He could stomp out a pattern with his feet but let him know this is only for practicing at home. With some activity involved he may like homework a little better.
DebbieO

Hi L.,

I'm a Learning Coach and am familiar with this situation. Until kids are about 12 and their brain "settles down" for more abstract thinking, their work will look more like play.
My approach is to find out what wants to naturally happen and create learning opportunities that go more with that flow.

Consider that the learning process has two phases, much like inhaling and exhaling. Our minds work best when we have the chance to both inhale and exhale. After school is definitely an exhale time. Also, minds need to "inhale" and "exhale" at different rates. You may be able to concentrate for longer periods of time than I can. You may concentrate better in silence, where I need noise. I find that when kids connect with their rhythm, that doing homework becomes easier.

With the information you have given, I'm not sure if your son is struggling more with one subject than another. My first suggestion is to look at what comes naturally to him and notice what he instinctively wants to do after school. Then try and create ways that he can complete his work using what he does well. For example, if he likes to move, maybe you can play a game of basketball (inside or out) and each shot is worth 7 (to study the 7 multiplication values). If he likes to move but doesn't like to read, invite him to read aloud to you while he rocks in a chair. Believe it or not, my daughter and I sang a mock opera using her biology vocabulary. Obviously it didn't have a plot, but it was fun and she remembered it.

Have fun, let your creativity flow and work with your son to figure out ways to make the learning either more meaningful (where he sees the reason to learn it) or more playful or both!

I hope these few basic ideas help.

I would try setting a specific TIME for homework.. for example.. play when you get home from school cause you've got all that pent up energy, have dinner and then at 6pm or whenever works.. you do homework.. I'd imagine it will be a stuggle for a few nights, but if you stick to the specific time it will become a routine and his body will start to just do it. I agree with Linda though.. kids should be able to play and learn on their own after school hours. Honestly this is why I was homeschooled and plan to homeschool our son. Kids should be able to learn by playing, not having hours of homework.

Okay one more tip. My son was the same way. He would sit for hours before starting his homework. I went to the teacher's store and invested in a great timer that has a green, yellow and red light as well as auditory cues. He knew when the light got to yellow he had better step it up it he wanted to beat the timer. If he completed his work within the alloted time then he got a reward (ie extra computer time, tv...). We even used the timer for chores and nightly baths because that too was a challenge. We did that for a while and boy did it help. I think at the age of 7, they don't realize how much time they are wasting. We have not had to use the timer once this year, yeah! Good luck to you and your son...

As you are a student as well, have you tried sitting down with him and doing homework together, just the two of you? Make sure it's at the same time each day and make sure he understands that he cannot do anything else (watch TV, play) until after homework time. If he's having problems with the work itself (and doesn't want to admit it), you might try a tutor. Sometimes a person "outside" the situation has better results. Also (and I hate to say this), but he might get sick of/embarassed about going to the tutor and decide to do the work on his own. I have a 14-year old son and went through the same thing. It wasn't that he didn't understand the work, but that he wanted the attention. Also, be sure to praise/reward him when he does get good grades.

Hi L.,

Don't worry, it's normal. Your son's problems with homework are because, he's a boy :) It seems many boys have a harder time getting motivated in school. They're not as eager to please as girls, and they don't see the point.

I don't have a grand solution, but I can sympathize since my 8-year-old son has a similar issue. We've gotten advice from other parents and have worked closely with his teacher to help him get on track. My husband understands the problem, since he was the same when he was in school! We both have read the book "Ending the Homework Hassle" by John Rosemond, and highly recommend it.

I don't think you can get your son to really care about education, but you can get him to understand responsibility, and get him to have pride in a job well done.

Good luck!

L.

Hello L., This suject is one that all three of my children went through. What I did was not allow ANYTHING before homework was done. No tv, phone, snacks, toys, period. They sat at the kitchen table until it was done. If they CHOSE to stay there and not do there work, then that was their punishment. If dinner came around, and work was still not done, then they went hungry. It's not being mean, it teaching them that life is all about choices. They can chose to sit there, and go hungry, or get there work out of the way so that they can eat, play, etc. If their behavior is no longer getting them what they want, then they will change their behavior. I hope this works for you. It worked very well for all three of mine. Also don't talk to them while they are at the table. That in itself can be a reward in their eyes. ATTENTION! Just go about your norman routine. If he forgets to bring home his homework, then he should have to stay at the table anyway. It will be the last time he FORGETS it! Totally ignor him when he whines. Let him know that he choses his own disapline, not you. The grown up world will teach him this if he doesn't learn it at home. He is half way to adulthood already.

Can't help you. My son does the same thing. You are NOT ALONE! I try praise, bribery, punishment...nothing works. I think it must be part of life.

Good luck!

S.

He whines for hours because it gets him what he wants. Does he have other responsibilities besides his homework? At this point, it's not really about homework because kids (more boys) just don't find it fun. However, the important thing is responsibility, not necessarily the homework. It's likely not hard for him and he can get it done quickly.

Check his backpack immediatley after school so you have time to go back and get the homework, if need be. I do this and my kids absolutely HATE it. Eliminate ALL activities until homework is finished, immediately after school. This is the set time period. Nothing else can occur during this period for anyone else, either. It's not really an negative motivation since he can have everything as soon as homework is done and backpack is ready for tomorrow.

This will be painful for you, too, since you have to listen to him whine. However, if he sees you sticking to your guns and not letting him off the hook, he'll come around. I'm not sure how old your other children are but try to remove any distractions in the house while it's homework time. It's only going to get harder with more activities and nicer weather. There is so much focus on sports and other things that homework does really get put to the side.

By the way, don't let him slide in the summer. It may just be 30 minutes, but keep up the habit of sitting down and doing something.

Good luck!

Have you tried looking further into the problem? Maybe it's not that he doesn't want to do it, maybe it could be he is struggling with how to do it, and just avoiding it all together! You did say that he won't do it at home or at school, and that his grades are not all that great... I would look further into it. Talk to his teacher and maybe even the Principal and see if they have any suggestions with a class or a tutor who could better help him to understand.

Good luck!
A.

L.,
This is how we do homework at our house and most of the time it gets done pretty stress free. Immediately after school we all sit down and have a snack, this is when everyone has a chance to tell the details of their day. Then as soon as the eating and chatting are done (never more than 30 minutes) whomever has homework sits down and does it right then. I stay at the table or close by to make sure progess is being made or to answer any questions.
I think the fact that it is routine is key. Sometimes reminders are needed such as you know if you just get it done now you can forget about it. Good luck to you!

As you have seen, punishment, threats and other tools for control aren't working. They aren't going to work unless you break his spirit, which you may or may not wish to do. That is the purpose of those tools: to force or coerce a child into always succumbing to the will of the adults in his world. What he needs and wants must always take a back seat to the much-more-important needs and wants of the big people. Doesn't really matter if you agree with that, or want that to be what happens. It's what the tools of control say to children, and it's what they're for.

Little boy bodies (and human bodies in general) are supposed to move, be active and need to be so in order to circulate oxygen to the brain -- exercise is the best tool to aid concentration. After a day of being coerced or forced to sit still doing what someone else thinks is important, a protracted period of free play and big-muscle movement will vastly improve his ability to focus on the task of once again sitting still and doing what someone else thinks is important. Meaning: insist he play outside at recess, lunch, before and after school so he gets lots of running-around time, and don't even talk about homework until well after dinner when he's getting tired enough to sit still again.

It has been clearly demonstrated that people learn best when they get to sleep on today's lessons, so perhaps starting the day with the rest of the homework is a better plan than trying to enforce 'more' late in the day.

Alternatively, you could read The Homework Myth, by Alfie Kohn, for an in-depth, evidence-based argument about how damaging and useless homework is. I have known a number of parents who told their children's teachers that they can do what they want with the 6 hours they have the children, but after that, it's 'family time' which will not be polluted by work that was not completed in the 6 hours they already had.

I have the exact same problem only my daughter is in kindergarten. I NEED help too. Her teacher keeps telling me I should not move her on to 1st but I don't feel she needs to be held back and think some of the problem is her teacher is 90 years old. ok, 60

L.,

Have you checked out the student control journal that is posted on the Flylady website? Here's the link for all of the journals: http://www.flylady.net/pages/control_journals.asp

This is a great tool that you can make available for your son to use. Ask him to use a timer and do his homework for 15 minutes, then take a break for 15 minutes. Don't threaten, don't punish, but insist that he has to focus during the working 15 minutes, then he can rest for the next 15 checking email, video games, reading, etc.

Also work with him about his afternoon routine. Does he come home and veg on the couch for 3 hours? Play with his friends for hours on end? Ask him what he thinks would be a more appropriate amount of time to rest after school and then come up with a compromise. Something like 30 minutes to an hour. Then he needs to start on his homework. If he can get started earlier in the day it will be done and he can play for the rest of the afternoon / evening.

If he has a favorite show that he likes to watch in the evenings, work with him so that he knows his homework has to be completed before he can watch the show. Ask him if taping it will help. Then when he is done, he gets a reward for working as hard as he could. If however it gets to be bedtime, he lost the chance to watch the show that night and maybe he can watch it the next night if he works harder or faster.

I hope these suggestions help.

Good luck.

Hi L.,
I can totally understand what your going through. I went through it with my son. I had thought I tried everything to get the homework complete at night. It got to the point I was fustrated with him....he was fustrated with me. Not a great way to spend my eveings. Somehow in dicussing this problem with his teacher we came up with a solution. If his homework or class work was not turned in or not turned in complete he received what we called detention. He basically missed receses or sat in the classroom during lunchtime. He may miss a field trip or an assembly. It did not take long before this worked. Maybe you and his teacher could work together and come up with some kind of plan. Best wishes!

has he ever been evaluated for add?

L.

I know you are all set with responses already...but I just had to point some things out since I completely understand and have a similar situation with my 2nd grader. If you go back and re-read the first sentence of your advice request...listen to how funny it sounds. Of course he is more concerned with playing and having fun than schoolwork. What normal child his age wouldn't want to play more than work?

My son goes to Bloomfield schools and his very capable teacher actually agrees with my husband and I when we say school is just "too much" these days. The state has made our teachers cram SO MUCH into their curriculum that even the teachers are feeling frantic about getting it all in by the end of the school year. That is just such a testament to how intense the day can be for little minds. It is so hard for them to have to concentrate and take it all in all day long (sitting still, mind you)and then be expected to do more when they get home. Clearly, third grade for your son is not what third grade used to be for you/any of us. So although it still needs to be done (he can't fall behind either), try to remember how valid it is that he would rather play. Our kids truthfully are overworked these days.

That being said...I do tell my first and second grader to do their homework right when they get home. I tell them that I don't blame them for not wanting to do it, but that they have to and it may be harder to do it in a half hour. No outside or TV until we're done (although when it got dark fast I would allow them to go outside first but no TV). My son whines about it and my daughter doesn't. But his 2nd grade day IS more intense than her first grade day. Either way, I tell him he can whine but he is still going to do it and whining is just taking up his time (wasting playtime). It is still never pleasant, but it goes much more smoothly when I try not to show my frustration and instead just shrug him off and stick to the program ("don't leave the counter until it is done"). I basically won't entertain his whining, but instead say that I understand his brain feels tired and say I will try to help him...which can be challenging with another child needing help and a baby needing a bottle at the same time. But I think just knowing that I will help him makes him feel that it is not going to be as hard (and most of the time he just does it by himself). And though it does not always go smoothly, this method seems to work for us most of the time.

Good luck L.. It must be overwhelming having all this added to such a full plate already (three kids/school). Just try to remember he just wants to be a kid and kids like to play! I don't think I ever knew the "importance of school" at nine years old. Maybe just focus on making him understand the importance of "knowing 'A' and 'B' so that when he gets to fourth grade he will therefore be able to understand 'C'"...and the only way to do that (fair or not) is getting his work done.

Just my 'two cents'.

Hi L.,

I can only advise you as to what I do with my daughter who is in the 3rd grade and soon to be 9 years old. I make sure that everyday when she get's home from school that she does her homework right away. I have made it a habbit---no going outside to play---no TV---just a snack before dinner and she must do homework. It was hard at first but now she is use to it. I started this when she was in the first grade. I stay on top of her in regards to her school work. Your son may not recognize the importance of being a good student and getting good grades now, but he'll thank you later. You have to make it a priority, a habbit now. It will pay off sooner or later. Good luck!!

L. M.

As a teacher, I've often found that students who refuse to do homework are often in need of help but don't want to ask for help. You might want to consider finding him some extra help (without making him feel like he is incapable by saying he needs help). Suggest that he and another classmate do homework together-- just be careful to watch for
a) one doing all the work and the other making a copy
b) identical assignments
This is a good opportunity to teach your child how working with someone else is still a two person job.

I wish you the best of luck.
J.

Well, just like people are different, kids are too. So I don't know if this will help or not, but while my then 7 year-old son was having one of his fits about doing homework, I stopped him sat him down away from where the homework was & helped him to settle down first since he was crying& proceeded to explain to him that had he not thrown a fit and just sat down & applied himself & got the homework done he could've been outside over an hour ago! Now he still has homework & it's almost time for dinner he may not have time to go outside. I explained how if he simply got his work done every time that he had homework right away he probably would have had an additional 2 to 4 hours of playtime that week alone!
The use of how many hours of play lost was the kick my little guy needed- no life isn't perfect but that calm talk made a huge impact on my son!
Hope this helps, Good luck!

I'd talk to the school administrators for motivational possibilities.
Just, however, stay with the 'buy it back' concept. If he wants privileges back, get moving on the homework. Kids these days DO sit for hours on end playing computer/video games. I have a senior in high school who does it too.

Use privileges as leverage. Clean the room buys back X amount of game time. Homework buys back X amount. YOU set the rules and guidelines.

If he's got some hidden issues, scholastic I mean, then maybe the Sylvan learning center could help motivate and improve.

This usually will improve with age, but if you are very concerned maybe get a tutor. Tutors can get kids to do many things parents can't.

GL:)

Hello, we experienced this with our oldest daughier. She was diagnosed with ADD this year. She is 12. This struggle started in 3rd grade when there became more homework and more independance with schoolwork. We thought that all she wanted was to watch tv and play with the other kids. We would fight for hours trying to get her to do her homework. The teachers reported she was not getting the schoolwork done in class. We were at wits end. This went on into 6th grade. We started with counceling and then added meds. It has been a positive change. We still have some struggles because she is now behind acedemically. By the way, she did not have behavior problems. It is worth it to get him evaluated to see if there is anything hindering his ability to do homework. Good luck, hope you figure it out.

First, allow me to say, "I can relate!" I am also a mother of a 9 yo boy who is in 3rd grade! I surely can empathize with your predicament.:-) I also am an elementary school teacher.

Have you tried any positive reinforcements? Instead of taking something away, why not try an incentive/reward system. Use a visual. Decide (along with your son) on something that he would like to earn (new game, go some place special, etc) and determine how many checks/stickers he will need to earn to receive the reward. Start small and allow the goal to be reachable so he will feel successful.

Do you have a consistent time each day set aside for homework? Does he need help or get frustrated? Determine a time when you or your husband or other caregiver can work with him. More times than not we come home from school, eat a quick snack, and work on homework. These are the expectations that I have developed since K. Some days will be better than others, but hang in there. Summer break is just around the corner! :-)

Hi L.,

As a third grade teacher, one of my tricks is to set a timer. Set it for just 5 min. and tell him he has to get x number of problems done in that 5 min. and he can run around or take a small 2 min. break doing something he likes. Then, set the timer again and keep it going until the work is done!

The nice weather will hopefully motivate him to get it done faster so he can go outside and play!

Hope this helped a little...good luck!

L.,

Maybe set up a meeting with his teacher and your son together to discuss the importance of doing homework. You don't say how he is doing overall in school, but sometimes kids are more inclined to follow their teacher's rules about schoolwork than parents, if that makes sense. He/She may also have suggestions based on his learning style and what he/she observes in class. Good for you for working on this now!

T.

That is a hard one. When do you have him try to do his work? Right after getting home or later in the day?

It's hard for most kids at this age, to understand the importance of schooling, but consistency is something they understand when drilled in them long enough. I would start by putting him in his room if he starts whining and complaining in front of you. As long as he has an audience that listens to his bickering, he'll continue to do it. He can dish it, but you don't have to hear it. Try putting him in his room with no tv, ipod, or activities--just his homework. I had to do this with my now 13 year old. It takes patience and consistency on your part, but after awhile, he'll get the message. Don't let him outside until you've checked to make sure his homework is done. Play time is a privilege.

MC