Needing Ur Help

Hi C.,

I am so sorry that you have to be facing this when the joy of a grandchild would normally be your focus. Five years ago my husband of 32 years left me when I found out he was having an affair. It happened only 6 months before my son's wedding!!! Let me tell you that the toughest thing I EVER had to do was go to that wedding and make absolutely sure that the wedding was a joyous occasion for my son and his new wife and didn't turn into an AWFUL memory because of his mom being so upset and hurting. Yes, I did love my ex husband. No, I didn't want to see him there either with or without a girlfriend. The only thing I can tell you is that the focus here needs to be on your daughter, her beginning family and your love for them. Is your new boyfriend coming to the shower? If that is the case, then it would seem awkward to your DAUGHTER not to be able to include HER father. I know that it would be hard on you to see him there and be reminded of all your pain by his presence. The awful thing to me about divorce is that even if our kids are grown and living a new life, they are still torn by the love they feel for BOTH parents. I hope you can find a way to make this about your daughter and not about your pain.

Good luck and if you need to talk or yell or cry..write to me..I have been there and will understand.

B.

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but it isn't about you. Your daughter should have whomoever she wants there at her shower. There will be many many more occasions where you and the girlfriend are going to be attending the same events in the future- the wedding, baby showers, birthday parties with the future grandkids, etc. No one is asking you to like her. Just learn to be cordial with the girlfriend just for your daughter's sake, otherwise, your daughter is the one that is going to end up feeling bad, guilty, stressed out, etc., because of all your issues and baggage.

Hi C.... I can't say I know where you're coming from because I haven't been there but can imagine how uncomfortable it will be for you. However this is your daughters day and if she has a good relationship with her father and his girlfriend then she will want them there too... I see in your "about me" that you stated you're in a relationship... I'm sure it wouldn't be right for your daughter to say that your boyfriend wasn't allowed because her father was going... So despite how hard its going to be I suggest you put aside your differences and help make this day memorable for your daughter... not to say you have to sit with them and chat all day and stuff but just the necessary stuff if even ... You'll be fine... I'm sure you're a strong woman... show them that!

I understand you not wanting to be around your ex's girlfriend, but because she is now part of the family, you need to not say a word and learn how to cope with it.

It really is not fair to your daughter to put guilt her way. She most likely does not know how to handle the situation without upsetting someone. Step forward and tell her that you will not cause her any stress about this, that you can handle it just fine and to invite who she wants.

This is not just about the baby shower. This is about the rest of your lives. Do you want your daughter upset at every gathering? What about when the baby is born? After? Holidays?

There are many things in this life that are difficult and as adults we have to cope with. Don't give your daughter something else to worry about. This time should be a happy and content time for her.

I am sorry if this came across brisk, but I have been in both situations........ your daughters and yours.

For my bridal shower a relitave of mine said "Don't worry about a thing" the other said "I am not going if she is". It was a mess. That same relitive that did not come caused me anxiety and stress over everything........ birthdays, holidays, christenings, family picnics, all of it. When that relative had children, I was no longer close to her. In time, we didn't even speak...... her children when it was time for them to marry asked me how I felt about their mom being at events because they wanted me there also. I told them not to worry about it, I would handle it. And I did.

Was I upset and uncomfortable being in the same room as her? I definately was. Were her children happy and content that I was there and seemed to be having a good time? Yes they were.

I would do it again every day of the week just to see those I love happy and enjoying themselves.

if it's your daughters wish to have her there, then as a parent of 2 and as a daughter of divorce and hard feelings myself... I would have to say you need to be socially polite and let your daughter have her day. It's going to be just as awkward for your daughter, but it's her day, her baby, and she deserves to have her moment. Everyone else involved should take a step back, be socially polite and just be there for the reason to be there - for the mommy-to-be. Otherwise anyone who behaves like their toes are being stepped on would seem to make the day about them, taking the glory off of the mommy-to-be.

I had a very awkward moment at my own shower, with my SIL telling my MIL that they would be moving to TX from NC in 1 month's time... it kindof frustrated me, because during the middle of MY time to shine for being pregnant and having a beautiful little guy on the way, it suddenly became about them and what they wanted or their feelings... kindof missing the entire point of a shower all together!

Good luck!!

Very sticky, fortunately, i can't relate. but like most women in my family...i am full of opinions. first of all, i would talk to my daughter and see if this "sorry excuse for a woman" (don't say that) is being invited. more than likely your daughter knows how you feel and the other woman may not be invited and you have worried over nothing. second, if she is planning on inviting her, be the bigger person and go and be pleasant. don't you dare let this woman get the best of you twice. this is your blood grandbaby...don't miss this over her! good luck J.- mother of 10mo old and a know it all (ha)

My mother too was married 18 yrs with 3 girls and my dad had an affair with the woman he's now married to. THEY have been married now for 19 yrs. All I can say is try to do what my mother did at every major birthday, highschool and college graduation, wedding and baby shower and Christening....ACT LIKE A LADY and show some CLASS. My mother held her head high, never stooped to my stepmom's level and was poliet and kind to her even when I'm sure she wanted to rip her head off! She did this not only because she has more class than most women, but mainly for her daughters happiness. As adult children, it's very hard to deal with divorced parents and make sure everyone is happy and included. We want to keep our dads happy and that sometimes unfortunalty means including their wives. And we want to support and protect our mothers as well. It's often a lose-lose situation. The stress we kids have trying to keep our parents happy and included is more than most parents know. My mother always said to "kill them with kindness". By being poliet and kind, it will help your daughter tremendously and SHE is the most important thing to think of right now. And other people will notice. My step mother is so threatened by my mother because she handles herself so well and like a true lady, regardless of the situation. My step mother is unable to have that kind of self control. It's your daughters day and she will be so thankful to you that you were able to deal with an uncomfortable situation with class and dignity. Good luck!!

This is a tough one. After almost 25 years of marriage my parents divorced, not over another woman, but just...things. For a while we tried to do things with them together...inviting both to birthday parties for the kids, etc. Finally my mom told us that she was terribly uncomfortable with my dad there & that she couldn't do it anymore. So we had a discussion with my dad & told him that all holiday's and birthday's would be spent with my mom and we would see him afterwards when we could. That has worked best for everyone.

Although your ex may see his gf as a potential step-mom...you are still MOM and your feelings matter. I would discuss this with your daughter, just honestly tell her how you feel about it because she may not be aware that it bothers you. Because once you've continued on with your life, and I see you're in a relationship, she may honestly feel seeing the gf isn't an issue...but it obviously is.

So if she's old enough to have a baby, she's old enough for you to have this conversation with her. There shouldn't be any tension there at her shower and she will sense something isn't right.

Best of luck to you & congrats on being a grandmother.

As a daughter of divorced parents, my opinion is that you should make the best of the situation. If your daughter invites her, that's her choice. You should focus on supporting your daughter and celebrating with her. At least you only have to be around the girlfriend for maybe a couple of hours. Although I'm sure it's incredibly awkward, surely you can be polite even while you avoid talking to her any more than is necessary. You can take the lead in encouraging your family to do the same. Just remember it's not about you or the girlfriend, it's all for your daughter and her baby.

You're in a relationship. Let that drama go. I'm sure she isn't thinking about you and sleeps very well. Don't give them the satisfaction of seeing you act less than a woman.

I know this will be hard to take...but the honest truth is the best thing is to put aside your differences, for everyone's sake. I am also divorced after 19 years. It has been 14 years since that happened. My ex-husband is remarried and has been for 7-8 years. I am a newlywed. My husband has 2 ex-wives. While I won't say we are all best friends, we do all get along. I am also a stepchild and I know how hard it is to be pulled in different directions by your parents. Your daughters love you both very much. If your ex is going to be in a long-term relationship with this woman your girls are going to need to get along with her to continue to have a relationship with their dad, without worrying about hurting you. If your current relationship becomes long-term, they will need to do the same with you. As impossible as it seems, once you decide to let go of the pain and hurt, this whole situation will become easier. What's done is done and you can't change the past, but you can make a different future. I am thankful that my ex-husband's wife loves my children. She is a nice lady. I look at it that she has made room in her relationship with my ex for our children, which she didn't have to do. Makes things so much easier for my children. My kids are grown, but there are still a lot of firsts to come - first grandchild and all the first that follow. I don't want to miss a moment, and if that means sharing those moments with my ex and his new family, then I will do so. My husband has 5 children, the youngest is 15. We have a very good working relationship with his ex, and it took some doing as she was resistant at first (I didn't even meet my husband until they had been divorced for a year). I am fortunate that my husband feels the same way I do. I guess what I am trying to say is that life will be so much better and with less anguish if you learn to put aside the past and embrace the future. Nobody is saying you have to have a close relationship, but no matter how you cut it, you and your ex are still parents. Don't split your girls by forcing them to make decisions between the two of you as to who gets to enjoy getting to be "family" for each special ocassion that comes up. Hey, it's even kind of fun once you get past the "garbage". Kat

C.,

Yep, that sucks. It IS your daughter's shower, though, so she should invite whomever she would like to share the event. Please go to the shower, ignore your ex's girlfriend as much as you can, eat some cake, ooh and aah at the cute baby stuff, enjoy the shower as much as you can - particularly for your daughter's sake - and prove that you're a classy woman. Best of luck to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

C.,
Ever heard of kindness kills? :) I know it's tacky, but it's so true! Be the bigger person and let your daughter enjoy her shower and just be cordial to the g/f. You'll make the g/f feel more comfortable and you will less likely feel so awkward! Just don't go out of your way to avoid her. I think if you did that then you'll end up feeling completely uncomfortable and probably miserable!

I'm sure you'll be fine! Good luck!

Even though some of us may have been in your position, none of us can speak to your specific situation or understand all the personalities involved. Best case - Take the high road. The shower will probably last an hour, maybe an hour and a half. Absolutely do not put your daughter in the position to have to choose or to feel guilty. She will love you all the more for thinking of her and her special day. After all, you are her mother and always will be. One more opportunity to teach her by example. The more she grows into the role of mother herself the deeper understanding of that relationship and your love for her. When the time comes for the grandchild to spend time with your ex this woman will most likely be the one caring for the child. The more accepting everyone is the more open she can feel to care for and love this child. This will be better for all concerned.

As I am a grandmother myself and also from a family of divorced parents, siblings and children. I've been married for 30 years and consider everything to be a choice. My opinion is the girlfriend didn't break up your marriage your husband did. He's the one who made that choice. I would be civil, but show that I was a better person than that and in a round about way wish her luck with him, because in my opinion what goes around comes around and if he did it once he'll most likely do it again. :) I've always told my husband if he ever finds someone he loves besides me I want to be the first to know and I'll turn him loose because I don't want anyone that doesn't want me. Not sure how fresh your break up is but I wish you the best of luck. Enjoy life to the fullest and live today like there was no tomorrow. And get ready for that grandbaby as they are truly a blessing.

C. you must remind yourself that this is a very special time for your daughter. It is all about her and her child. You have a right to have your feelings but you do not have the right to ruin this special time for your daughter. You should only be thinking of the things you can do as a Grandmother that will lighten your daughter's load. You should also remind all family members who have sour feelings about the other woman that is not about any of that foolishness at this time. It is ALL about this beautiful new life that is coming into this world. You all must handle this like rational, considerate, selfless adults.

Be the bigger person. No matter what! He got what he deserved, no one likes her. So just be yourself! and have fun

I have some what been in your position. a woman broke up my marriage to my now ex husband of 5 years and he is still with her. well we have to children together and when it came to my sons birthday, that was the first event that came about where him and her would be coming together. The best way i got through that was just smiling and focusing on my sons birthday and making sure he was happy that day. I know its a tough situtation but do it for your daughter and just focus on her being happy and have a fun baby shower. If you have to speak to this woman just be cordial. Good luck

My father left my mother after 25 years for another woman who is now my stepmom. I know how incredibly painful this has to be for you because I saw my mother go through what you are about to go through. Unfortunately the only thing I can say to you is "It's not about you." Your daughter should never be put in the position to have to choose between her parents (and that now includes her father's significant other). She did not choose to be in the situation she is in. She is the innocent one that just wants to love her parents and have them in her life. I am assuming that she loves her father because she is willing to include the girlfriend. It is going to be REALLY hard and I am so sorry for your pain, but do this for your daughter. Smile through it and be gracious. Show her that you are a loving parent that only wants her happiness in this exciting time in her life. Then yell about the girlfriend to your friends when no one else can hear or see you. You will be the winner in the end!!!!

Be the bigger woman.If the g/f gets invited be polite and nice to her.That doesnt mean you have to sit down and have a conversation with her.Just treat her as you would any stranger you would meet at this baby shower.Prove to your ex that you arent bitter and that you have moved on..even if you havnt..he doesnt need to know.In public,like I said,treat her as you would any stranger on the street.At home dont belittle or put her down in front on your daughters or soon to be grand children.

I am in the same boat.I treat the other woman very sweetly when we happen to be together or what ever.To prove to the ex that after 16yrs I am the bigger woman...good luck..
S. B

Unless your daughter shares the same thoughts as you, I would leave it alone and deal with it. I understand your pain, but sometimes being around that person in a completely different setting helps. Meaning, if you are around her, but nothing relating to what happened in the past is going on at that moment - maybe it will help you put closier on it. Perhaps you will leave there knowing that he could not have done better than you and he didn't, or perhaps you will see you husband and decide - what was I so upset about - he is a loser. You never know until you try. Besides, your daughter is the most important thing at the moment - not you. Hate to sound gruff, but I really don't mean it that way. It is what it is. I wish you the best of luck.

Since you can't control what others do, just live your life the best you can and be there for your daughter and your new grandbaby. This is a sticky situation and you would hope that your daughter wouldn't invite the girlfriend, considering the circumstances. I'm sure she feels pressure in this situation as to what she should do, but don't make it worse for her, be the bigger person and roll with the punches. Good luck and be strong!!

C.,
I went thur this 4 years ago with my first child. So I would be in the same spot as your daughter. First of all it is never easy on the moms or daughters. My parents were married for almost 27 years. I talked to my mom about it (my mom and me are very close now but were not so close growing up because of my Dad's putting her down so to speak)(finaly figured that after after 33 years), but it was not easy because she is still hurt (after 7 years now). My mom knows she is better off without my Dad but the memories are her hang up. I work with my dad so my position I thought was even worse. I invitied them both to the shower because I felt I had to and I only had one shower. I was so worried I felt I didn't enjoy my shower the way I wish I could have. I But in the end it work out fine except for all of my worry. But I suggest talking to your daughter and working out the feelings before hand because she might be going thur it too. Other thing I would think about is thinking about two showers one for each side. I hope this might help you and I hate to begin this up but the hospital the day of delivery the same emotions will be there. I was so upset and still get upset at births and birthday as a child of divorced parents because two birthday partys two births don't work out well it you know what I mean. Just talk it out with your daughter because it might help her more than you think and working it out know will help her and your grandchild's birth be what it should be a time of happiest not worry.

Good luck
B.
Married Full time working mother of two 4yr boy and 5 month daughter. (the second time was easier but one of my parents was out of town on a trip on the birth day)

C.. if it is over let it go , you are in a relationship now and are leaving it all behind or are you?? Just pretend she isn't there you can block her out of your mind..She will just lose him to someone else on down the line , then you can laugh at her when she is broken hearted..

Well, C., Until I read all the good advice, I was going to say...If she goes, I wouldn't be there. However, who gets punished? Not her. it's you and your daughter. So...go, have fun, ignore her and just make this the best day of your life. The best thing is that it will frost your ex, and make you a STAR! Take the new guy too, that will be even better. No one wants to see their ex-wife with a new guy.
But more than anything, keep the relationship with your daughter positive and upbeat and enjoy your new grandbaby...That part is the absolute best. Life isn't always easy but when your handed a bunch of lemons, make lemonade!! I am sure there are plenty of people that have run into these kind of problems because of the high divorce rates so you aren't alone. As many of these wonderful ladies have expressed, be the bigger person, it's for the good of your children, heck with the EX! Let us know how it goes...

First of all, if you are content and happy in your new relationship, it shouldn't matter whether the girlfriend is there or not. Second of all, you failed to mention who was having this shower. If it is a family member, they should have the common sense not to invite the girlfriend. If it's a friend, it's common for the whom the shower is given to construct a list of people to be invited to the shower. If this person is just a girlfriend to your ex, I see lots of ways out of this, but once they get married, not so easy. Am in the same boat, my mom and dad are divorced and my dad has remarried, but thankgoodness, my mom and my step-mom get along.

hey C.. what a tough situation! you should try talking to her and telling her how you and your family feel about the girl and how it will upset you if she invites her after all she is your daughter and YOU are her mother not the other lady. however, it is your daughter's shower and it is her choice so you may have to "be the bigger person" in the end if she chooses to invite the other woman. one thing you don't want to miss is everything to do with your grand child. however, hopefully, you daughter and this other woman should both understand that you will be uncomfortable, it is your grandchild and your child and you should be a part of it.

I divorced after 17 ABUSIVE years and another woman broke us up, however, it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have often wondered when my child gets married or has children what would I do.
I might.... and I say might because you just never know till you have been there.
I might let the daughter know that if her step mother is there that I will make it by her house later after the shower that I just don't feel like feeling uncomfortable and raising my blood pressure. That will put her in a hard spot but you are the mother. Surely her father knows what he has done and realizes that it is going to be hard and his wife might get left out.
Good luck. I have been there so I know what you are going through.

C.,
What a sticky situation! If it were me, I'd simply ask who is on her guest list. IF that homewrecker is on the list, ask nicely if she could be removed as it is a family-oriented function, and her presence would make many of her guests uncomfortable. It would be in bad taste to invite that woman anyway. Good luck and congratulations!

Simply ask your daughter not to invite the home wrecker. I'm sure your daughter will understand. And if the home wrecker doesn't respect your wishes and crashes the shower go midievel on her! :)

C. I don't know what to tell you but I will pray for you and your situation

I hope it's not too late, but i just wanted to post my opinion. Wether you use it or not is totally up to you. As far as I'm concerned and I've been in this position both ways wether I was the one who didnt want to be somewhere because of someone else, or i didnt want to invite a few individuals because they didnt like one another. BOTTOM LINE IS,it's not your event. This event is a joyful event for your daughter, i say suck up the way you feel and be happy for your daughter and be supportive of who she wants to celebrate the welcoming of her unborn child. It's not your party and I think once you realize that you'll feel like the better person. And your daughter will have a whole new respect for her mature mother. :)

Don't let her steal this special time!! My Mother-in-law does not attend any events with her grandchildren if the ex and his new wife are going to be there. Their marriage ended after 37 years, he is now married to a much younger woman, it hasn't been confirmed but I am pretty sure that the relationship was going on way before the marriage ended. I love my mother-in-law with all of my heart and we are extremely close, we have a 17 month old, they are very tight as well. She has been the biggest help to us since his birth through adoption, I don't know what I would have done without her! I made it a point for my husbands Dad and his wife not to attend his first birthday party so that she could be there, I know that sounds terrible but they make no effort to be a fixture in our childs life so I don't make any special effort for them. My husband's sister has a 5 year boy and a 2 year old boy, my mother-in-law has never attended any of their birthday party's, she is so close to them and helps out tremendously but there is no special effort made for her to be able to attend. I tell her all of the time "don't miss out on these memories because of them". I know that it is difficult due to the circumstances but think of what you will miss if you let "her" dictate your special times!! Hope this helps, good luck!!

I agree totally with Joann H. Regardless of the history, you are in a relationship and I am assuming you are happy. Let it go, get over the past & forgive not only yourself but your ex too & you will be much better off in the long run. Although your daughters are grown & you are about to be a grandmother, they will benefit from the peace you will get. My mother was very bitter & resentful & always moaned & complained anytime my father was visiting one of my older sisters. The kindest word she ever had for him was a__hole- and when I was 17 years old & she was on one of her bitterness trips, I told her the same thing. She did take my advice & although she died a few years later she was a much happier person once she got over the past. Good luck, and your expecting daughter deserves not only no confrontation or uncomfortable feelings at her shower, but also to see her own mother happy & at peace again.

I had a similar situation. My father left my mother for another woman and I had mixed feelings about inviting her to my shower. I knew my mother would not like it but all things concidered, she was always nice to me. She was excepted by everyone on my fathers side. It was only my mother, sister and me on our side. I asked my mom if she would be too hurt if I had her there and she said it would be ok. I did however tell both of them to be on their best behavior. After all, it was my shower and I didn't want either of them to ruin it for me. I think your daughter is probably torn too. You should be the bigger person and tell your daughter that it's ok with you if she invites her. It may be tough for you but I'm sure you love your daughter and you wouldn't want to ruin her special day. If anything bad happens, let it be on your ex's girlfriends head and not yours. Your daughter will respect you for it.

C., I'm sure this is a very uncomfortable position for you to be in! (Ex) family stresses can definitely have a way of souring moods at what would otherwise be occasions to celebrate.

Can you talk to your daughter and express you concerns about this particular guest? Maybe she hasn't thought about how your feelings will be affected by inviting her.

The important thing is that this is her pregnancy and her shower- it's all about her! So ultimately she does get to choose who will and won't be invited. Once you let her know how this invitation may affect you, if she still decides to invite this friend, still... just have fun and celebrate your daughter's pregnancy without holding resentment!

Hi C.. I also come from a seperated household and I can guarantee you that your daughter is having a hard time with this, for your sake, as well. Unfortunately, I have to agree with most of the other responders when I say bite the bullet. I know it's hard but if you're a Christian woman, pray about it. That ALWAYS helps. I am sorry you're in this possition but it's not going to change and everyone has to live with it. Just stay away from her as much as possible and be as polite as possible when necessary. Do this for your daughter's sake, trust me on this one.

This is sticky. This woman is going to be in your grandchilds life whether you like it or not so take the high road. Be cordial to this person but you never have to be her best friend. If she attends the baby shower sit with your friends and family and have a pleasant time. you are stuck with this strange relationship so instead of being afraid every time she is around hold your head up and live your own life. Don't ruin this special time in your life by dwelling on your ex and his wife.

Hey, C.! My children are not old enough yet (10,8,4) but I do have some advice since my parents divorced when I was 10. I have a HORRIBLE step-mother. I cannot begin to tell you just how horrible she is. All she wanted to do was fight with someone at all times and my dad can't see it. I just wanted to say that if you want to have any type of relationship with your daughter and grandchild, to bite the bullet. If you start causing problems your daughter could be like me and just say that I have a wonderful husband, child(ren) and I don't need you anymore! I have cut ties with both my parents. Have not seen my mother for 14 years now (she has NEVER seen her grandchildren by me) and haven't seen my father for 6 years now. He has not even seen his youngest grandchild! I will not allow my children to go through what I had to go through and when the drama continued, I said enough is enough! If adults cannot act like adults, then you don't deserve to see your grandchildren. I know it is awkward, but if you are the one going to your daughter complaining or whatever, she isn't going to remember the act, she will remember the complainer! It is true, people don't remember the cause of the reaction, they just remember the reaction! If no one else can stand her, just band together that day and avoid her surrounded by others who feel the same about her and keep your mouth shut! Listen to what others say, but don't contribute! It could get back to your daughter! Just remember that this is your daughter's day -- do not ruin it for her. I remember on the birth of my 2 oldest children (didn't happen with the third because he wasn't around!) my father had snide remarks towards me about how I was going to give birth to my children and he left me in tears both times. He literally ruined both days by his little snide remarks. Don't ruin it for your daughter. She may not like the woman either, but let her be the one to make the comments and you just stay out of it. I hope this advice helps you.

we, in a similar situation, wound up having to have two showers. it worked well. one with mom's family and one with dad's side of the family (or the girlfriends and family of "the other woman"). the bonus: more presents for the new baby without having the chance of a complicated family situation tainting what should be an amazing time for your daughter.

I am sorry for your situation. The only advice I can offer you is you need to follow God's path and forgive your ex-husband. This is a very difficult process and I am currently doing a bible study on it (a part of the "Companions in Christ" series... "The Way of Forgiveness" This book may be very helpful to you). I can, however, offer insight from your daughter's perspective- my parents divorced after 28 years and my mother has been married to the man she left my dad to be with for 4 years. I'm sure your daughter is well aware of yours & the family's opinions. She is probably torn between you and her father also. Be the bigger person and do the Christian thing, put your feelings aside and support your daughter. After all, it is about her & her baby... not you, your ex, or his gf. Celebrate & share in the joy of her new baby and look at it this way... that baby will have one more person in his/her to love him/her & no baby can have too many people in their life that love them!!! Blessing to you :)

Love you daughter, her husband, and their precious new baby a thousand times more than you dislike "the other woman".

That will get you through.

Best wishes to you and your family!

Dear C.,
While it takes an amazing amount of effort on your part, be the better person. I realize it is hard, and I feel for you, this isn't about you and that is what you need to keep telling yourself. You'll have to deal with the "other woman" in other situations, so look really, really hard and try to find something about her that doesn't disgust you and focus on that.
Your ex and his girlfriend don't deserve the power you are giving them by allowing them to wreck what should be an amazing time in your life. That doesn't mean you have to be best buddies, but it does mean you have to find a way to be okay with you. Holding a grudge (which is a nice way to say hate) takes an awful lot of energy. They don't deserve your energy, but your daughter and new grandbaby do.
Make it okay for your daughter to take the best that the woman has to offer without worry that she is hurting you in the process. If you recall, she has a lot on her plate at the moment.

If the woman shows up act gracefully. You do not have to talk to her or mix with her. But this is your daughter's babyshower. Remember that. Let the past go. I know it will hurt. But show that you have more class then she does! Congrats grandma! Enjoy your grandchild!

If you are seeing someone now and are happy then don't worry about it! That is what I did. My aun had been married for a long time and a woman had come between them. Well they ended up getting married and I worked with her. So when I was haing my first baby I wanted everyone there for the shower. So I invited the other woman. Over time we had become friends. I would have felt wierd if I had not invited her and invited everyone else I worked with. My aunt was a little upset at first but she got over it when I told her I could invite whomever I wanted and that it was not about either of them it was about a new life. Once she realized it everythign went smoothly. So I guess I am saying that I do understand but you need to accept the fact that it is her dads "friend" but you will always be her mom. Try to make the best of it. She is stressed enough with a growing belly and many long nights ahead of her.

This shower is for your daughter and for the joy of her new baby, and your grandchild. You do not have to socialize with the "other woman" but it is your daughter's choice to invite or not invite this person. Don't ruin this wonderful occassion for her by making demands that she not invite her. Just say "hello"(or not) and do not say anything else to her. The other woman knows very well what the past is and would be very uncomfortable at the shower but may chose to go anyway, if invited. DON'T RUIN THIS FOR YOUR DAUGHER OR MAKE HER UNCOMFORTABLE by having her make this choice. This shower is about your new baby and your daughter, not you and the other woman. Enjoy the day. It will be so wonderful getting ready for this new addition!

Hi C.-
This is probably not the advice you want to hear, but please hear me out. My parents divorced when I was 3 years old due to "the other woman," who became my father's wife as soon as the divorce was final. That was in 1976.

My mother went down exactly the path you're describing-- my stepmother was (and still is) the enemy. Every childhood event that I can recall was filled with anger and conflict and confrontations and horrible immature behavior.

Your daughter and your granddaughter don't need to have every single happy event in their lives tainted by the memory of that.

So take a deep breath and take the high road on this one. Everyone will know it's uncomfortable, but if you are gracious and just remember that this is your daughter's day, you can do it.

Because here's the thing--no matter what happened between you and your husband, he is still your daughter's father. It is completely unfair to expect her to choose sides on this, and by expecting her to exclude a person who is an important part of her father's life.

Believe me, I know how tough this is on both sides. I was the kid, trying to deal with being pulled back and forth by my parents, and unfortunately I am now a divorced, single mom doing everything in my power not to do the same thing with my kids.

You really can do this. It's not about you. It's about celebrating your daughter and your beautiful grandchild who is on the way. Take a deep breath (and a drink before you leave, if necessary!) and just sit on the other side of the room. Believe me, she'll be as uncomfortable as you-- if not more so, because she knows she's the "bad guy."

But one final thought-- if she stays part of your ex-husband's life, she will also be a grandparent, so you need to get used to being in the same room with each other. There is a baby who needs to be surrounded with loving, supportive role models.

Good luck. And thank you for hearing me out.

A new baby is so exciting and for your daughter its the most wonderful time. She wants all her family and friends to be there and though you don't have a relationship with this woman, your daughter probably does and it is her day. I hope that you can be gracious and make it about your daughter and not about issues of the past. Your daughter, your ex's girlfriend are probably afraid too. I think it is so sad that families, and we as individuals, make our love and participation conditional to our own needs. Good luck!

my advice is to just suck it up. i really understand you're feelings. my step mom had an affair on my dad after almost 15 yrs together and is now married to that guy. as much as I can't stand her, i treat her with respect and kindness becasue she is my little sisters mother. if she shows up at the baby shower, be cortial...it shows a lot of class on your behalf. besides it's not about you and your feelings that day...it's about making your daughter happy and celebrating the upcoming birth of your grandbaby...which also happens to be her step grandbaby. you're not going to have to spend time with her very often, but when those situations do arise, just make the best of it...you don't have to be her friend, but you don't have to make a sceen either.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I would not hesitate to talk to your daughter immediately and just make sure she is not planning to invite her. Had I been in this situation when I was having wedding/baby showers it would have never crossed my mind to invite the woman who broke up my mom;s marriage. We did not keep in good contact with our father after my parents divorce but I cannot imagine your daughter wanting to hurt you in that way. HTH!

Unfortunately, I think you just need to let what happens happen. You can't really tell your daughter who she can and cannot invite to the shower. Maybe you could bring it up lightly, just ask her if she's inviting her. Maybe if your daughter is having multiple showers she could invite her to a different one. I would just try to be supportive of your daughter if I were you. Don't give her ultimatums like you won't come if she invites the girlfriend; those kinds of things just put stress on the soon to be mother, and no one should do that to a pregnant woman. If she comes, I'm sure you can stomach it for an hour or two. Plus, who cares about her? She's now with a man who was unfaithful to his long-time wife. Odds are that he'll cheat on her eventually too, so really she should be pitied and not worried over.

You are in a relationship now. Let the old baggage go. If she comes say hello and move on. If she doesn't consider it a blessing. Either way you are about to become a grandmother. This is your baby girl about to become a mother. Do not let your husbands past ignorance interfer with this happy occassion. Also, look fabulous :)

My parents went through the same thing. Dad married the "other woman" however. It was hard but eventually we had to accept her as his wife, even though she was a TOTAL b****! But then came my wedding....We did invite her to the shower but she didn't come nor did her 2 daughters because my mom was hosting it. THEN she wouldn't ALLOW my father to walk me down the aisle because it was an adult only wedding and her grandchildren weren't invited. Makes sense, huh? So for 2 years after that I didn't have anything to to with her OR my dad (for being such a wimp) until my baby was born. I invited my Dad ONLY to my "meet the baby party" (which I had instead of a shower because I live out of state)..he didn't show. Then I invited him ONLY to her baptism and lunch after. He did some to the church without his wife, but wouldn't come to lunch. He alone, was invited to her birthday party...didn't come. I will never have anything ever to do with that woman again. I send him pictures and cards from my daughter and I send them to his office. SO that woman KNOWS it is NOT for her!

Long story short...even if your daughter feels obligated to invite this woman...I would guess she wouldn't come! There will be a time, especially if they get married, that your daughter will probably have to include this woman...to "give her a chance". If she is a nasty horrible person...give it time, her true colors will show and then your daughter can always say, "well I gave her a chance and she blew it!"

Good luck though... I know it's hard!