My daughter, 5, hates going w/ her dad. She sees him once a week for about 8hrs. According to her, he doesn't play w/ her. I believe her. I know I made a bad choice and now my kid will suffer. He asked for a divorce when she was 4 months old so she never knew us together. She has always hated going w/ him. She will cry, kick, scream most of the time. Sometimes she will willingly go, but is very sad about it. Last year at the beginning of the year she had 3 sleepovers w/ him. He didn't ask for more. I didn't offer more. Now he wants her to sleep over next saturday. I am so scared and nervous. He is not a good dad. He's abused his older daughter before and she was removed. She was returned a few months later. He doesn't care about dd's feelings or opinions. His older daughter (12) is grounded most of the time which means dd can't even talk to her sister on the weekly visit. When dd is upset about having to go I try and tell her how daddy misses her and how much fun she is going to have. He just stands there doing and saying nothing. If dd wanted to have a sleepover, I would be ok (not happy, but ok) with it. But she doesn't like to sleepover anywhere. I am so nervous about this. I htink the worst that would happen would be she would cry, but to me that's a big deal. She wakes up early, sometimes as early as 5am if not before. He sleeps till almost noon. Who is going to get up w/ her? Not him. He'll just tell her to go back to bed till he is ready to get up. He has visitation for a reasonable amount of time w/ reasonable notice. I could say no, but that would cause lots of conflict and as long as she is not in physical danger I don't want to do that. I guess I'm just nervous and ranting. How do I make this ok for us?
Over the summer dd said her dad hit her sister. I called CPS and so did the daycare. He knows we all called. CPS found nothing and it ended there. dd knows she can and should tell me whenever she sees anyone get hit. She is also going to a therpist to rule out anything going on there. Therapist says yes, her dad sucks, but there is nothing at this time to call CPS about. He's not nice, but he's not being abusive.
If its not in the court ordered visitation than why? Let him go to court and plead his case for over night visits and make sure court knows CPS was called.
If he abused his other daughter I wouldn't allow your daughter to stay the night. I would be nervous about him being unsupervised with her to be honest. Have you asked your daughter the reason she doesn't want to go? Is it because he doesn't play with her and pays her no attention...or something more?
If you're scared of him abusing your daughter in any way, call cps on him. Not sure but if his visitation rights are not court ordered then just say she doesn't like over nights, the day visits are enough until she's older, right now she's just too young. But if it is court appointed, hire a lawyer, go to a mediator & try to agree on less over night stays or even NO over night stays till say 2 year from now then we'll bring up the subject then. whatever you decide in mediation is legal & he has to abide by the agreement. If he doesn't agree with you then he can spend the money to take you to court & probably loose.
Maby before the court stuff you can express her feelings to him? If you don't think he'd take it lightly from you, tell your daughter it is OK to tell daddy that you're sad about something, or ask him when he's ignoring her to play with her. Tell her to ask if she can call mommy if she's sad or just needs to talk. Worse come to worse you could pretend she's sick that day & say she can't spend the night but hopefully she'll be better by next visit (the non over night stay) Don't know if he'd believe you or not but it may be worth a shot. I remember having to go to my "dads" (If you want to call him that) 1 weekend a month when I was little & calling my mom to PLEASE come get me & crying when she said she couldn't because she'd get in trouble by the judge. Finally when I got to be 12/13 I got busy & could call him myself & ask if it's OK if we just wait till next visit because I had a friends house to go to or what not. I really feel for your daughter, I hope it works out in her/your favor!
I'm so sorry:( If you can say no, say no with the expression of what would need to change to say 'yes'. If he isn't spending quality time with his daughter and she's so miserable, a loving papa might want to talk about ways he can make visits more enjoyable and less scary. If you have a say and are nervous about a confrontation, maybe that's better than not at least trying to have a say. It sounds like he's pretty absentee so maybe he would agree to no overnights AT ALL untill his daughter feels more comfortable. He can still have a full day, just no overnights if you have a say.
I sincerely hope this works out soon and am so sorry about the emotional trauma your daughter is going through:(
Would be helpful to know if this was court ordered. If it isn't and you ae trying to be nice, then nicely say, "sorry, maybe another time". I feel for you and you daughter. If nothing is done legally I would take care of that ASAP.
I can totally understand how you feel. My father was never a fun person to have to spend time with.. He was not an abuser, but he had a short temper and had rules like, "never mention your mother or what you all do with her around me".. His apartments were never child friendly and he did not know how to be a dad.. Talk about walking on egg shells.
The first thing you need to do is be as calm and strong as possible around your daughter about her father.
He is and always will be her father.
Since she has concerns, use this as an opportunity to just give him a heads up. Let him know that she wakes up at 5 am and maybe he could have some breakfast bars and videos for her. Maybe send some of her board games or toys with her..
Find a way to have communication with him. If it is through email or phone.
If you are sure about the CPS charges, you have a right to know about it and to be able to go to court and make an agreement for her to have limited visitation, no overnights or supervised visitations.. Do not wait until the last minute.. you will always need to be proactive and not reactive to these situations. The moment she told you about the other daughter and the problems, is when I think I would have called my attorney to look into all of it..
Im sure this isnt what you were looking for but going from what you have written here I would say no she isnt spending the night. Best of Luck for you and your daughter!
