My Scared Child

My heart aches for your daughter, and for you. AND your daughter will survive visitation with her father. When something cannot be avoided, it's usually helpful to make the best of it and stop dramatizing the worst.

Especially if your daughter hears you begging or arguing with her father, you can only make the situation worse for her if she knows you have so many negative feelings. Please do everything you can, for her sake, to make visits with her dad seem as normal and positive as possible. Her dad may be better for it, too.

I would talk to him about possibly easing her into staying the night with him- and not having the girlfriend spend the night. It took a couple of years of my husband's daughter to finally not cry or be upset at bedtime with him. When he and I were dating, I did not spend the night it she was there. They had a "morality" clause in the custody agreement to prevent- it was a joke though because she has had two kids by two different men and multiple live-in boyfriends in the 7 years since they divorced. If he won't budge, I would go to court- they will probably send you two to mediation to come up with an agreement that will benefit the child. However, they may also appoint a guardian ad litem to represent your child's interests impartially. I would also consider a few session with a therapist to help determine the root of daughter's anxiety and teach her ways to cope with/ overcome it.

Do you have an attorney lined up that you can discuss this with? Is there any way to have paperwork with doctors recommendations that state your daughter has an anxiety disorder and is not to spend overnights away from you or her own home? I would be documenting everything (what he does, conversations, etc.) and then discussing this with a lawyer.

It's so hard when the last image we have of our kids is them crying as they leave.

How do you help her w/ this? Do you play into her fears and anxiety? Or do you try and make it fun for her? Do you try and tell her how much fun she is going to have? Pack a fun bag for her? Pack a special light for her to have in her room there so she's not scared (cloud b twilight turtle is fantastic, google it, they have them at barnes and noble and I've recently seem them at target). Have you read the Kissing Hand w/ her? Read that and then give her a kiss to carry w/ her. Let her take her special stuffie and blanket if she has one.

My daughter will still cry sometimes when she goes w/ her dad (she's 5) and it breaks my heart. She usually stops a min or two after they leave.

Try talking w/ him in a very calm manner (without her hearing) and ask him to help make this easier on her. Ask him to stay w/ her in her room until she is settled down and almost asleep. Let him know, in a very calm manner, that this is about making it ok for your daughter.

You need to go out of your way to also make this ok for her and try and build it up for her. Don't let her know you are worried about it.

Awww, that is so sad. My heart goes out to you and your daughter; however, I kind of agree with Angie G. Since it seems like your hands are tied and you can't really do anything about what the judge ordered w/your ex-husband (for now!) maybe you should try counseling and/or a therapist to find out what's going on with your daughter and why she gets so upset when she had to go w/her dad.

Sometimes, children are really sensitive to what's going on around them and if she see you getting undone or anxious about the upcoming visits, she will ultimately become nervous and upset. You're her mommy (the MOST important person in her life) and she loves you, so I'm sure she picks up on that... if you can, don't let her see you whenever you are upset or concerned about something in regard to her dad, because she may just actually be recreating your actions.

I know that's probably something you don't want to hear, but unless you get more on her dad or get a better lawyer, this seems like something you're going to have to deal with. However, I'd stay diligent and watchful, just don't allow your daughter to know too much in respect to that, ya know what I mean?

Plus, if you get her into counseling, maybe something will come up about your husband and that's something more you can bring up to the judge. And, if he still doesn't recognize the potential damage your husband can and/or has done, get another lawyer to appeal or maybe overturn that judges decisions. Just because he is a judge, doesn't mean he knows what is best for your child... FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT Girl, but only if truly necessary!!!! Only do it if you truly suspect or have concrete evidence about something more going on. Don't do it if this is all just bitterness about not being w/your ex and such... NOT, saying that it is, just saying be truthful to yourself and your daughter and things will work out.

I a praying for you and your daughter - God Bless! Please keep us updated.

J.

I'm sorry for your poor daughter's situation, but I agree with Peg.

hi R.. i agree with dvmmom...can you consult with an attorney or family services...I am sad that your daughter was crying and screaming so much. Is there something else going on at his house? Can you ask her why she does not want to go: Does he yell at her? Does the new girlfriend not treat her nicely????

please keep us updated.

jilly

I feel really bad for your daughter as well as you and dad. Three years seems like such a long time to have an issue spending time with dad. What is being done to help her with her anxiety problem? Since the visits are court ordered at this point it would probably be best for you to support it and make it easier on her. Unless there is some awful information about him we don't know about, a child should spend time with dad as well.

I think maybe the problem is that your daughter feels your anxiety, and the fact that for the past three years you all have been coddling her and allowing her to run the show and accommodating her when she says she wants to leave her father's house. She needs to see you being confident in her father's ability to take care of her and keep her safe. She needs to know that you trust him. You need to stop begging him. You need to talk to her and reassure her. Any issues you have with your ex and his girlfriend should be completely suppressed and hidden from your daughter.

I'm sorry for what your daughter is feeling right now, but I can't help but feel that her fear and anxiety are a monster you all created and fostered. Your ex is handling things the right way, IMHO, by moving ahead as if all is normal because frankly she needs to move ahead and realize that this is the new normal. It won't mess her up for life. It really won't. But she needs to know that you're not home crying and upset that she's gone.