New at This Stepmom Thing Need Help!

I'm sorry for the difficult time. It sounds like you are working really hard to do what you can for the little girl. I'm not a step-mom myself so I can't speak to that, but I can say that it sounds like she is really nervous (as you say) and that it might help her to have the binky right now. Yes, she is getting old for it but there are a lot of kids who are older who still have it and it is there for comfort for them. Even if ideally you wouldn't want her to have it now, if she is going through some tough times and is sad or nervous or uncomfortable, a binky could really help a lot.
If you think the mom uses it just to shut her up, you could let her have it when she sleeps or is upset or is listening to books, etc. but not let her have it all the time - or don't let her watch a lot of TV so she'll just have the binky when she really feels like she needs it. You are probably right that it would be great if she could get rid of the binky but it seems like there is too much else going on for her to push this too far now.
Just my thought.
Good luck!

Sounds like the child's not getting the care she needs. Go for custody, if you are really interested in being her parent.

I would attempt to get full custody. I would take her to a physician first - I believe a doctor could verify that she is suffering from neglect.

That poor baby - she needs someone to love her and care for her.

It sounds like this child needs IMMEDIATE intervention (and the other two children as well). She is already exhibiting severe emotional and physical problems. She needs a complete physical from a pediatrician. Assuming you have proven beyond a doubt that she is your husband's child, have you considered trying to get full custody? You won't be able to help her as much on a part-time, visiting basis. In any case it sounds like outside intervention is in order,like an attorney, pediatrician, child psychologist, a social worker, or a combination of professionals that can help this poor child.

You could call Child protective Services, (CPS), and let them investigate. As a teacher and a parent of two, if I saw what you're describing I would definately call. This poor little girl needs help! Good luck to you...

Hi D.,
This is heartbreaking to hear. You need to seek more professional help. First, your hubby should take her to see a pediatrician. Second, he should seek more custody so go back to the court. He needs to stand up for his child!!! It does sound from your description that this little innocent girl is being neglected. Third, please give her lots of positive attention such as praise, hugs and quality time (reading books, playing with her toys). I'm sure you are. As far as bath time, maybe she'd prefer a shower. Or put some bubbles in the bathtub to make it a fun time. I wish you the best with this situation. I'll be thinking of you. Take care.

Hi D. -

This is heartbreaking. Has your husband sat down the mother and asked her, point blank, about the issues he is seeing? If so and nothing is working then I would call Child Protection Services and have them go to her house and thoroughly examine what is going on. Thank you for being such a concerned stepmom and keep us posted on what happens.

C.

As a stepmother myself I found this is a real hard place to be. That said I know what you mean about the ignoring the child, clothes sizes etc. BTDT. First you and your husband should talk decide what you want to do in your home and legally in court (do you want full custody?). You may want to consider an evaluation of the child by a professional in combination to seeking more custody. If the child is in an unsafe environment that is putting her health and welfare at risk the courts should take that into consideration and adjust the custody. You will need to document what is going on. If I were you I would take your stepdaughter to the doctor for the rash etc and have it documented. Untreated rashes can become infected. Also dare I ask, are you sure it's just a rash? There are a few other things it could be. Personally for me the birth mother was not cooperative at all, we were not able to get my stepdaughter help which was really bad. She ended up abusing the children I had with my husband both verbally and physically(they are much younger then her) and it almost caused us to divorce. I believe that early intervention and proper treatment is the key. You can't control what the child does when she is with her mother, but you do control what happens when she is with you and your husband. Focus on the things you can control. I would also be aware that the mother may be trying to manipulate you by making sure the child's clothes or shoes don't fit so that you/your husband will buy her new items. I went through that and worse over the years. We had clothes that stayed at our house, I would wash the clothes she came in and that is what I would send her back to her mothers home in at the end of her visit.

I hope that helps you out and feel free to contact me.

Oh, wow! This poor little girl needs so much help! Kudos to you for wanting to step in cuz I'm sure this is a very emotionally charged situation. I'd say you might want to call CPS cuz she definately sounds like she's being ignored & neglected. Of course she's nervous & wants her binky, she's going to a strange home w/strange people. I'd say let her have the binky for comfort & then wean her from it while at your house. Does she go to day care or preschool? If so, talk to her teachers to see how she behaves there & let them know your worries. Talk to her mom, voice your concerns & see what she's willing to take in terms of help for this little girl. Hope this helps & good luck!

Hi D.,
I was rasied as a step daughter. The one item I can remember is being told and shown how much I was loved. It will take awhile for her to realize. She can get a lot of help from the school at her age to help her with talking. Contact Jackie Brown at Lockeford School who is the speach therapist. She will need a referral from her doctor. Being one of the parents, a doctor visit is all it will take to one. They can take care of her rash as well. The doctors office will take of any tests that will be needed to see what other issues maybe wrong with her. Good Luck

I don't know what state you live in, but if the mother of this child is on welfare, there should be a social worker or case worker. Find out who that person is and contact them to see what is being done to insure the home is safe for all the children. Seek counseling with the three of you and let the counselor see the child alone. It will take time for the child to adjust to this new life style...two different home lifestyles and with time, will build a trust with "new parents". Kids adapt but it takes time, even when 2 1/2. Good luck...keep loving her.

Okay, I don't have enough time to really respond here, but my first impulse is: that kid needs some comfort and stability! If she's used to having a pacifier, by all means, give it to her! Her world seems to be scary enough that she needs that extra bit of comfort.

Find out what is going on in her home: she may be at least being neglected, or at worst abused. it is her father's responsibility to protect her if this is the case. What is the custody arrangement? Could he bring up concerns to her social worker?

Take it very easy on this little one. If her life is so stressful at home, at least your home can be a place of comfort and happiness. Don't force her to do something that scares her: (i.e. bath) she may have good reason to be scared. maybe you can give her a sponge bath with a washcloth or something for now.

I am not a step mom, but I have two of them (long story dad divorced first stepmom, she raised us, married to #2). Anyway, it sounds like your husband needs to go for full custody of this little girl! She sounds very neglected by her mother. I think CPS needs to be called, without mother knowing before they come. They will check out your home too, just to warn you, but they need to go to mom's ASAP! Pictures and documentation are great for a custody situation. Keep it up! Good luck!

My step-kids are grown now, but the transisition between the homes can be much smoother if the female in the house keeps mellow about things. Listen to the kid ( not just words, but if she is fearful, YOU need to let Dad know you can help) Let the kid have fun in the bath (and wash her hair the way she likes- most hate the water in the eyes. It can get extreme/ so don't fight... she seems to have dry skin and may not need a daily bath or at least less soap.)
This 2 yr old is a baby, in a strange place... I hope she is spending alot of time with your toddler...and one on one with her Dad... It will take time. As for clothes, provide them. The more you give the more you get....
Don't measure or compare/ needs are needs... And if the birth mom is a bit crazy, you and Dad are likely to end up the the child in the years to come (Teens often make the jump happen/ even if neither parent sees that yet )
Good Luck!

Hi D.,
I would get that little one to the Dr. first thing for a complete checkup! Her vomiting can cause dehydration and the dry skin. Also-You may think she's too old for a pacifier but if it's her comforting object, taking it away cold turkey or not letting her use when she's with you might really stress her out. Maybe you could wait untill some of her more pressing issues are taken care of and let the pacifier stay for now. Ask your Dr. Most important is to love her and treat her gently. I hope you two realize you may be the ones that save her spirit and possibly her life. I wish you strength and love.

Being a stepmom, and for the little girl, having to live in two different homes is not easy. This is the main key here, the little girl has the opportunity to live in your home, hopefully 50% of the time. Whatever happens at her mother's house is not your priority; unless she's being abused and neglected. It is very important for your family to set the rules at your home and to give her the best that this little girl can have, at your house. This little girl needs to feel safe, loved, important and cared for. She can have her own clothes, her own shoes, her own everything at your house that she will have there when she comes and stays with you. She will feel that she belongs somewhere and someone cares about her. This is important also because of your two little girls, it's best to have a positive influence around everybody than a negative one. There are books out there about this subject, the more you know the better it will be. I really hope this message helps you.

I think going back to court would be a wise choice. It sounds like the situation at the Mother's house isn't very good. As you probably know from your own experience, her behavior patterns will not change until after she has been out of that negative situation for awhile. Before going back to court try to document all the problems you see. Keep a journal with dates and descriptions, use pictures when possible. With your husband being married to you, the judge may give him more custody since he seems to be able to provide the better home.

It sounds like the first step is to go to the court and let them know you are concerned about the child's welfare and would like a social worker consult to assess the child at her mother's location (be aware you may be observed as well). If the child is having a rough time an outsider's opinion would count for a lot with the court, but only consider this if you are willing to be observed also. Good luck. This sounds like a hard situation.

First of all I think you should be extreamly careful about putting your predjudice of this single mom on welfare above the true needs of this child. It seems that you have some anger and resentment tward your situation. A 2 1/2 year old that lives with other people most of the time and then goes to another house part time would and should, rightfuly so, be nervous espesialy taking a bath. A pasifier at this age is not that uncommon. You can bet that she probably wont have it for ever. And as far as potty training, we all feel we are all knowing and I am the mother of two and have a degree in Child Education and I can tell you that 2 1/2 is not to old to be in diapers. It is not even recomended by the experts to start potty training, unless you have obvious signels, until age 3. Also welfar is not a great income. If you think this little girl needs new clothes then buy them for her without expectiong anything in return. Babies and children really do feel the people around them. Have you ever tried to put a baby to sleep in a hurry because you have something to do? They can usualy sense that you are not relaxed.
All I am saying is relax mom. Watch very closly and don't let your anger cloud your judgment. All children have diferent temperments. If 50/50 custody works for your family then great, but it will only work if that little gril is loved in your home the same as the other children in your home. The way you sound now I am not sure that is the case. I feel very sorry for what you are all going through and wish you the best of luck.

Hi D.. Thank goodness your little stepdaughter has someone that is concerned about her welfare. I am the mother of 3, grandmother of 9 and great-grandma of 1. That doesn't make me an expert, but I have experienced some of the things you are writing about. If you have access to the mom's case number and name of her social worker, I would suggest you call that person and explain what's going on and ask them to make a surprise home visit. I'm not familiar with all that goes on with the welfare system, but it seems they are under staffed and the workers have high case loads. If you could contact that person directly, you might get a quicker response. Like one of your other responders, I agree you should let the little gal have her binky. It is probably her only source of security right now, and it may help comfort her. Also, have that rash checked! It could be a yeast infection (which can look very much like a diaper rash.) If it has traveled down her legs it could keep spreading. My advise would be to keep a journal of reactions and things that make her nervous or upset. If you have a camera, add some pictures to document your facts. You may never have to use this journal, but it may also have merit in the case of neglect or custody issues. Do you have a decent relationship with her mother? If you do, maybe you could express your concerns in a non-invasive way at first. If that doesn't work, then take more drastic measures. Getting CPS involved is always risky, as once the child gets into the system, things can turn ugly. That should be your last resort,(but that is only my own opinion) but if necessary, proceed with caution. Do you have any kind of relationship with the other 2 children? Do you ever invite them to join in a visit with their sister? If they are older, they may tell you about their home life without even realizing it, and it may help them also. Family is so important...step or natural relationships. I truly feel for your position, and hope that things will work out for you. You and your family will be in my prayers! Keep your chin up and your concern constant!

This breaks my heart. My gut feel is that you and your husband need to treat her with as much tenderness and care as you can fit in during her visits and treat her the same as your own daughter. Buy her clothes to wear at your house, bath and lotion her. Try to have her as often as possible. I am a product of divorce and keeping yourself nuetral in regards to her mom is the best thing you can do. Don't say anything negative in front of her. She will love her mom no matter what is done to her or not done for her there.

I've been through this and it's not fun. 1st take her to the doctor. Make sure nothing is going on with her speech, diaper rash etc. Really mention all of your concerns and the red flags. If there is something wrong your doctor can help point you in the right direction. Next buy her clothes that you keep at your house. That way she doesn't have to pack everytime she comes over and it feels more like she's coming home instead of leaving home. Have things at your house that are hers: a place for her things, teddy bear, a special cup, blanket etc. Don't talk badly about her mother to or around her, you never know what they hear. The coughing and gagging thing might be for attention but I would mention it to the doctor just in case. The bath thing she could just not be comfortable having a male even if he is her dad give her a bath if that is not what she is used to. Remember she is just getting to know you and her dad since it's only been 6 months. But take her to the doctor especially is she still has a rash he or she can prescribe something (and maybe you can get 2 one for your house one for her mom's house) so that when or if she keeps getting the rash you'll have the medication to take care of it. Some rashes need something a little stronger than what is in the baby isle.And if your husband wants 50% custody get it, the more she feels loved and secure the better. Hope this helps. Like I said I've been through this it's hard but this little girl needs a soft place to fall.

Its sounds as though you're really concerned about the child. If you really think that she's being neglected, you and your husband need to go and get 50/50 custody of her and be there for her as much as possible. The best thing you can show any child is warmth, so reach out to her whenever you can: play ball or other games with her, sing with her, teach her songs and read to her. If there is a serious issue with her being neglected you need to get her help right away. The sooner you start seeing her more, the better. She may be feeling nervous because she doesn't have a stable home life. You can offer her that.

I am a mother of grown children. I once went through a period of difficulty in my family life that was just as overwhelming as what you describe. It seemed an impossible puzzle to figure out. I can tell you my experience if it is of any help to you. It seems that how to help this little girl and how to be in a situation which is really not under your control, is the real question.

During this difficult time in my own life, I began to remember my dreams. It was as if something inside of me that was far wiser than my logical, rational mind, kicked in to show me a way through alot of suffering. I can only say that this was the beginning of the healing that would take place in my family.

I began to trust the wisdom in my dreams. They were practical in that they addressed the very things that most weighed on me. When I was completely confused as to how to bring any kind of resolution or healing to our family, they would show me what I needed to know. Sometimes the dreams would bring me a strength or feeling of love that I could bring to the family situation. They were like an inner compass showing me the most effective and practical way to change the situation. I realized that if I wanted to help, then I would have to be willing to change myself too. You already can see the similarity of this girl to something you experienced in your own childhood, so you can help her now.

My experience is that the wisdom from dreams helps us to see the core of a problem, and to show us what we can do to help the life around us. If you ask at night before you go to sleep for help, you will be surprised at how help is given.

Of course you and your hubby need to take any steps to ensure the safety and security of this child with her mom. But there is also something else which I learned was just as important.
This kind of knowing is something that no one else can tell you, because it will come from inside, and especially in dreams if you know how to understand them. This wisdom knows how to heal life. I wish you well.

I think you need to get off your high horse. Obviously your dear hubby thought this women was good enough to sleep with but didn't care enough to stick around and deal with the consequences. How do you expect a 2 year old to react when she is thrust into this environment with a dad she barely knows and you. You work full time and can't possibly have time for a third child. Maybe you should stop being so judgemental of her mother and your husband could help her out a litte more. I think he needs to spend some one on one time with his little girl if he is really interested in having a relationship with her. If her clothes don't fit buy her some new ones like you would do for one of your daughters and stop thinking of her as a "step" child.

You need to call CPS immediately. ###-###-#### Tell them what you have observed and have them come to YOUR home when this child is there with you. Make sure you're husband is there, too. God bless you.

Hi.

First, this child needs to know that she is safe and she needs to feel secure. Let her have the pacifier for now. It is something that is calming to her and something she knows. She is going though a lot of changes it sounds like, and that is rough for anyone; especially a toddler. As she learns that she is in a safe and supportive environment, she will start to open up and then you can start weaning her from the pacifier.

Bath time may sting. If she has terrible diaper rash, and scaly skin, bath time may be a miserable time for her. Perhaps she as excema? Use A&D ointment for the diaper rash. Use a nonscented, moisture rich body cream (not lotion, but cream) all over her body. If you don't mind the Johnson&Johnson label, get the Aveno Baby Cream that is non-scented. It works quite well. Once her skin begins to heal; bath time will get easier...Again, you may have to teach her that bath time is a fun time (toys & play -- avoid bubble bath as it may sting) as she probably associates baths negatively right now.

Get her some shoes, clothing and a coat that fits her.

You cannot control her mother. You can try to communicate with her, try to make some agreements. But you are limited by what you can do. You can attempt for 50% custody as you mentioned. If you feel she isn't in a safe environment, you can attempt for full custody.

Approach her gently. Show her affection but let it go at her pace. Be there for her. Listen to her. When she does something inappropriate talk to her calmly about it but still make sure she knows you care and love her. She is in a difficult position too.

Hardest of all: whatever you do...do not 'bad talk' her mother in front of her. You might be suprised how much resentment children can pick up even if we do not think we are being obvious "Why would she put her child in shoes 4 sizes to big!" Just remember to be careful. If you say things in a negative note that relate to her mother, you would be doing several things: 1) This child knows that she comes from her mother, if her mother is bad then she must be bad too 2) loyalty conflict; the child feels conflicted because they want to please everyone but then they don't know how to please all parties involved...someone is always going to be 'mad' 3) trust issues. If she doesn't like my mommy, then I don't like her/can't trust her... I am not saying you do this, I am just saying be aware of it. People who do this end up having it backfire on them.

Best of luck to you. Hang in there. There is always an adjustment period when families are combined.

D., I have a few suggestions that may help. I also have two kids and also work with children and treat similar problems. You'll probably never know what your setpduaghters fear is but to try to reduce her nervousness, which may be from her interactions with her Mom and not so much from being with with you two, assume she does not know what you all want. The "rules" may be different in both homes so sweetly tell her. Like, taking a bath every evening... Then, the key is to reinforce her doing any part of it well. As I tell parents, catch her doing something well. It may be how well she let you put her clothing on after the bath. Tell her, and tell your husband in front of her. She will start to pair the bathing with positive feedback. It takes a while and it may feel like you're over-doing it but it does work. Plus, she will start to pair the reinforcement and positive praise with you two.

As for toilet training, all kids learn at different times. Many parents force the learning by starting too early. Again, encourage her, and give her stickers or something when she does well.

Her Mom is another story. It's hard to guess at what is and is not happening but for the sake of your step-daughter, you might want to assume that she simply does not have the clothing to fit and either does not understand how and why rashes occur. If you do this, it eliminates putting her on the defensive and allows you to offer her clothing, shoes, even how to treat the rash. My guess is that if the Mom feels like you and your husband don't see her as a fit Mom, she is more likely to take it out on her daughter and less likly to discuss it with you.

I wish you the best. You've got a lot on your plate.

K. H.

Reading this e-mail breaks my heart. That poor little girl. Could she be autistic? Is that why she is so nervous, hates baths, rocks back adn forth and does not talk? It sounds like it is more than nerves.

In terms of the passie - she is not too old for it. It may comfort her and she needs some comforting. If it calms her nerves when she is with you let her have the passie.

It sounds like some adult in this situation needs to step up for this child and ensure she will have a good future. It sounds like she will not have a good future if things continue as is.

Maybe your husband should try for full custody if things are as bad as you report.

It is not the childs fault that her parents are not togetehr and things are screwed up between them.

You may want to consider having CPS do a welfare check at her home. Let them know what is going on and your concerns. Don't worry about stepping on anyones toes because the mental and physical health of a child should always come first. But let your husband be the one to do the work...wouldn't want anyone to say that the stepmom is butting in.

If her mother won't cooperate with co-parenting, then go back to court! The girl is obviously not getting the attention she needs. Good luck!

First, my stepmom was is is still m-one of my best friends. I was so hard on her at first, but she stuck it out, and now that I'm 45, she is Grammy to my kids and so wonderful! so first be ready and committed for this relationship for the long hall. sounds like the little girl is still getting to know you and your family. surrounding her with hugs, and lot's of love, will go a long way. I'd explore the issues of child neglect. I see nothing wrong with passing down clothes, as long as they're still in fine condition, and fit properly. If bio mom has many children that are not being properly taken care of, why not shoot for 100% custody? It's a human life that is in the process here, and if bio mom can't or won't get it together the little girl needs someone to speak up for her and be her advocate. the courts want what's best for the child. Document everything, date time, pictures, witnesses. It all matters. I know kids can be well taken care of in a home not perfectly kept, runny noses, etc. but the reality is, it doesn't sound like the basic care is being done, especially with the physical diaper rash. It coudld be a food allergy or something else, Again, pictures speak volumes in court. Could the children have been physically/sexually abused to bring on the reaction with bathtime? I have 8 children, and certqain ones at certain times didn't like baths, but there has always been a way to work around it. Also the diaper rash may hurt more in the water? Many blessings on you for reaching out and trying. You and your husband have a long road ahead, but sticking together, and being commited for the welfare of the child will not only strengthen your family but also hepl this newest member of your family grow into the person she's meant to be. hugs~~K.

I wouldn't flat out ban the pacifier if you are trying to get her to trust you- maybe you can set limits: only at nap time or only if she sits in a particular place, or set a timer... Without knowing the mom's situation, it is difficult to comment on the baby's clothes. Maybe the mom really CAN'T afford the proper clothing... maybe you could get her a pair of shoes that fit and a jacket. You can get her some very inexpensive clothes or suggest to her mom where to get them. This is a great month for sales!!

That said, however, I think you or the Dad need to talk to her about changing the diapers (or pull ups or whatever) more regularly, and threaten calling CPS on her. Since she waited so long to let your husband know about the child, maybe she's hoping he'll just keep her all the time?

I think the bath freak out is probably normal devcelopmentally speaking. If you offered it as play time and give her some little plastic cups or bowls and spoos or other bath toys. Can she verbalize why she's upset? Maybe it's too cold or too hot (you know, in her mind) or she doesn't like her hair wet... You can wash her with Cetaphil or other non-soap wash to avoid drying her skin more, and Eucerin Cream is a good moisturizer.
Best of luck.

Start documenting and taking pictures of everything that you see. If you are willing to take care of the baby to, then go for the 50/50 custody. Something is going on. Don't talk bad about her mom and let her know that you love her to. There is going to be lot of work to get her to feel comfertable. A really good friend had this situation (she was living with me) We got her step-son for a few weeks or more at a time. When we sent him back to his mom he was talking, eatting good, playing with other kids, not wetting the bed being a normal boy. Then she would get him back and we would have to do all the work al over again. He wouldn't talk, wouldn't eat anything but fast food, wouldn't play, actting like a very scared baby all over again. Good luck sounds like that baby needs you both

D.... your msg speaks loudly. It's not about being a stepmom that is the question. Rather... it's about being a "parent" to a little child who has no voice to speak for herself. Your descriptive observations are telling, and your own experience gives you the empathy you are connecting with. You ask, "how do we stop her being so nervous not only around us but in general?".... well, I don't think by what you've described, that it's going to happen unless you get to the source of the problem.

What is the voice inside telling you? You write that she reminds you of yourself when you were a little girl. What would you have wanted for yourself? What if you can stop the trajectory of pain this little girl may be on and heading towards? Yes, it may feel like you're opening up a can of worms, and you may well be. But it's a little girl's well being at stake here. What would it take right now from you and your husband to do what that voice inside is already telling you to do?

For what it's worth, my recommendation is to follow the steps of other strong parents who have been faced with similar situations and decided the right thing was to be proactive and take care of a child who just simply cannot not for herself. Is it going to be a lot of hard work? You know the answer... yes it is. But the fact that you're reaching out for direction says it all. Step into the shoes of this little girl and do what you can to help. Make a difference and have no regrets.

I would definately report what is going on to someone! And for sure take her to court, that poor little girl doesn't desirve what ever it is that is going on at her Mom's house. Her Mom clearly needs to get some help, how are her other choldren being taken care of? Are thier Dad's in their lives? Don't wait until it is too late, do something now!

This story breaks my heart. Please do anything you can to get that poor child away from her neglectful mother. I know that rocking back and forth is a sign of understimulation and neglect. Maybe the mother is even abusive, too, given the child's nervousness. Please help that poor baby!

Your descriptions break my heart...this sounds very hard. Going to court sounds like a good thing. You could also make a report to CPS and get mom hooked up with services and support.

-c

If paternity is established I would go for primary physical custody and allow the mom weekend visitation. Then you wont have to pay her child support and the baby will be in a secure, loving and safe environment. I am not against welfare, there are people out there who certainly need it and deserve a little help. But if this woman is truly living and raising her child in poverty for no other reason than sloth and greed...get the baby out of there immediately. Just my thought.

WOW! It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and I appplaude you for sticking by your husband and being there for this little girl. It sounds to me like a case of neglect. I would have social services check out her home situation along with going for custody. The other children deserve more as well. Keep your head up an know that you are already helping this little girl ny being there and loving her.
Best Wishes
J.

Clearly there are some serious issues going on here - many appear to be emotional. The rash is probably yeast and needs appropriate treatment. Take her to the Dr. It sounds as if she also needs emotional therapy.

Coming in clothes too big and too small and a baby freaking out over bath time...not good. Sounds like some neglect going on. Give her the binky. This is NOT the time to be making strong changes in her routine. If the binky calms her let her have it - it may be the only emotionally calming thing she has and she needs it. It can be done away with later when her emotional state is stronger and more healthy. At this time don't push the child past her tolerance level - if something really freaks her out - DON'T DO IT! She needs to learn to trust you and if you are always pushing her past her ability to cope - she won't learn. She will continue to fear you.

Of course one reason she is nervous because she is suddenly being taken away from her mom by strangers. She didn't grow up with you - however, you might want to consider taking the child 100% of the time. Babies who rock, and won;t make eye contact are emotionally traumatized for some reason and by the sounds of it so are the siblings. I'd talk to the attorney about suing for 100% full custody on the grounds of unfit parenting on the mother's part. She needs therapy, you need therapy to learn how to help her. Probably the best thing you can do for her is to get her out of that house she's been growing up in. Sounds harsh...but it may be true.

Good luck...

J. Simpson, IBCLC, CIIM
www.Breastfeedingnetwork.net

You sound like a compassionate, concerned stepmom, and that is a great starting point. A couple of thoughts--it sounds like these are not great circumstances this baby is coming from, so you have an opportunity here to make a substantial, life-long difference in this child's life--so important! My focus right now would be on safety and loving. Try not to focus on clothes (too small or too big)or binky discipline. Instead, give her as much loving attention as you can, and let her use whatever tools she needs or has to overcome her nervousness with your help. I would use cream to attend to her scaly diaper rash. I would use hugs and love and fun and attention to address whatever else is going on. Start with what you have--don't worry about the other children right now. If you have the resources to help more than 25% of the time, try to do this. I would also take the child to a pediatrician to see if you could get some additional expertise and shed light on your particular situation--how to make her more safe and comfortable.

Good luck! Your time and attention to her are worth it!!

D.,
Quickly, it sounds very much like neglect at best. I would contact CPS (Children's Protective Services) and explain the situation. They will tell you if it is appropriate to file a formal complaint, and what other options you have. This girl is being abused in some capacity, from the sounds of your story, so please help her and get HER some help. Your husband and you may wind up w/ 100% custody unless the mother gets some support. Good luck!!
-R.
Mother to Zahara & Matai 6/18/06

Firstly, thank God that you and your husband are in this child's life because she obviously needs rescuing. Secondly, the child has been blown out of the water by suddenly being left (in her head it would feel like abandoned) for hours/days (?) with you guys who were strangers. She needs first and foremost to feel safe (give her whatever comfort/attachment object she needs - her blanket, whatever). If she's rocking, she's really, really stressed out. She's also NOT too old for a comfort object, many, many kids use them for years longer. Forcing her to give it up when she obviously needs it will just make her more insecure. The child sounds like she's being neglected (at best) if not actually abused. Her mother obviously doesn't care about her or has limited intelligence or a lack of education about how to care for a child. I would DEFINITELY go to court to report what you're seeing (I'd start documenting it - dates/times and situations so you have a record), and, if you're willing, get as much custody as you can so she can be rescued before more damage is done. Thank you for caring for her...somebody needs to.

Hi,
This must be very difficult for you. I definitely think your husband should go back to court or contact CPS. It sounds as if his daughter is being neglected and/or abused in some way. She's lucky to have you two to help her.