New Friends Taking over Your Children?

You say, "I don't like how she just takes over and acts like she is the mother." Yet, she's doing it because you allow her to. If you can talk with her, tell her that her behaviors bother you, and ask her to not to do it anymore and she complies, then remain friends. If you cannot talk to her or you do and she continues to do the things that bother you stop hanging out with her.

Personally, I've seen this before and would cut the ties of friendship now before she takes over and acts like she is the wife.

I would bet her intentions are good and she's just trying to give you a break. She probably doesn't realize that she's somewhat crossing the line by disciplining and taking over mom duties.

Next time she tries to take over just say "thanks Sam, I've got it". If she doesn't get the hint say "Sam, I'm the mom I have this under control, thanks". If she continues then you need to tell her to back the heck up! You are in a different place than she is. While your relatively close in age, your life experiences are very different. This might not be the right fit.

Hmm. Some rare people think that when they are around you might like a TOTAL break from your kid. They figure, you ALWAYS have them and LOVE another friend who is willing to be mommy 2. Especially if they want to establish themselves as "really great with kids". Or they prefer baby time to adult time. My husband's cousin (19) is like this. She swoops in on the babies, and takes over. Luckily, we rarely visit them, and I like the break, because literally, I can eat and drink with the adults, and take a break from my kids, which I ALMOST NEVER get to do! Only once did I have to reprimand her when she just took my oldest when she was a toddler on a walk in Manhattan when my husband and slept in. She had no idea she might need permission to "take her out". She woke up super early, went in, got woke her up, dressed her, and took her out!!! ??! But I just told her, NEVER DO THAT AGAIN and it was fine.

Obviously you thought of this person as more of a friend for yourself, and are now weirded out that she wants to parent you daughter. Rightly so.

If you like her and want to remain friends, when it happens, say loudly with a BIG SMILE "Thanks, but I've got it! I'll tell you when I need help." Say it firmly with no wavering. Repeat once or twice if necessary, but she should respond right away if she's a good person. OR be less firm, but only hang around her SOMETIMES so you don't feel like you never see your daughter.

If you're entirely creeped out, then just phase her out.

I think its kind of weird and it would kind of creep me out, but maybe she has babysat a lot in the past and just wants to help u. There r definately some boundries being crossed right now though. I don't know either way I would let her know that although u love having someone who wants to help u that u will take care of and dicpline your child unless u ask for help. And I would suggest that until u get to know this girl a little better don't leave your child alone with her just to be safe. I hate to think of the worst in people but u said yourselfu barely know her. Trust your gut. Good luck.

It's definitely weird and there's no way to know where this chick is coming from on this. She could just genuinely like your child and be clueless about boundaries, or she could be an obsessed nut. I really would have went off on her about undressing the child for bed. That's inappropriate for sure. There's just no way to know what's up with her and you don't know her at all. Two weeks is nothing in the big scheme of things. What kind of childhood did she have? Was she abused as a child? Does she party too much (drugs, alcohol etc.)? Who does she hang with? Does she have issues about a past pregnancy or children of her own you know nothing about? There are so many possible reasons as to why she is hogging your child and disrespecting your authority as her parent. That is why you need to proceed with caution as you start weening her from your life. Sounds like she isn't a good fit for a friend.

In general only the VERY young, and grandparents do this.

((Lots of people 'wade in' with other people's kids, but there's protocol for that. It's the glance to get tacit permission, or out and out asking ahead of time.))

But as for the very young, and grandparents...It's two sides of the same coin:

Either they don't know enough NOT to, or
They know too much and it's just decades worth of habit

She can ONLY do these things if you allow it. Most of us get caught flat footed when a new situation presents itself (first "swooper", first mean kid on the playground, first, first, first, first), because we're learning, too.

Practice the phrases: "Thanks, but I've got it." & "Hey, hon. When I'm right here, check with me first, please."

You can smile, and that's totally friendly / not being a jerk. If she doesn't listen, firmer. And then it's NOT being a jerk at that point to go head to head because you've already TOLD her, repeatedly, and she's not listening. That's not being a jerk, because you're standing up for clear boundaries that you've already laid down.

Either she'll learn (almost instantly, when you're still in the smiling phase) or you'll need to decide if the friendship is worth the headache of "teaching" someone not to usurp you.

My cousin who is my dearest friend does this with my 2 year old daughter not to the extreme that Sam is taking it, wich honestly I feel like Sam is out of bounds by disciplining and comforting her in your presence I'd be pointing at myself saying "HELLOOO!!! Mother right here, I went through the painful labor of having her, I got this". Ok so you don't have to be rude like I would but you definantly need to tell her it's an issue especially if you want to maintain a friendship with her. I figured out that my cousin does this because her biological clock is pounding not just ticking and she is sort of playing mommy with my daughter. It can be annoying at times but it is also a huge compliment that she enjoys my daughter so much she wishes she was hers. She didn't realize she was doing it until I talked about it casually with her and now she is aware of it. We even had a laugh about it cause one day we were shopping and a lady commented on how cute and friendly my daughter was, my cousin and I said thank you at the same time and the lady told us we were both doing such a good job with her. Later we realized she thought we were a couple and Reagan was both of ours. Just talk to her she may not realize what's she's doing. My cousin now asks before doing certain things and she is an awesome babysitter.

No you're not over reacting. I've had in-laws (MIL and SIL) do this along with my teenage daughter. I speak up because it drives me NUTS!! It helped. They stopped. =)

I think it would be kind of weird to tell this girl you don't like her behavior. I think you probably should have just stepped in to the situation, and taken your daughter's hand and took charge. For example, "Thanks for helping Sam, but I would like to put on her pajamas, so please don't bother." I think it is nice that this girl is so fond of your daughter, but you need to set boundaries. this doesn't require a big dramatic talk. I know how you feel, but you really need to step-up in the moment.

think this girl is young, really a child herself. It may sound weird to hear that, because you aren't much older, but there is a world of difference from late teens and early 20s. She is young and enthusiastic and doens't get what it is to be a Mom. Your daughter is more a plaything like a niece or a girl she is babysitting. She doesn't have a clue your feelings are hurt about these things.

You are young too, and still a new Mom. I am 38, and I have these things happen too, for instance my MIL led my daughte around trick or treating last night. I pick my battles because I know it is good for my child to interact with other adults. But ultimately, when I need to be in charge I step in and take control. You need to learn to do the same. And don't feel guilty about it. You sound like a great involved Mom.

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I think it would be kind of weird to tell this girl you don't like her behavior. I think you probably should have just stepped in to the situation, and taken your daughter's hand and took charge. For example, "Thanks for helping Sam, but I would like to put on her pajamas, so please don't bother." I think it is nice that this girl is so fond of your daughter, but you need to set boundaries. this doesn't require a big dramatic talk. I know how you feel, but you really need to step-up in the moment.

think this girl is young, really a child herself. It may sound weird to hear that, because you aren't much older, but there is a world of difference from late teens and early 20s. She is young and enthusiastic and doens't get what it is to be a Mom. Your daughter is more a plaything like a niece or a girl she is babysitting. She doesn't have a clue your feelings are hurt about these things.

You are young too, and still a new Mom. I am 38 and have almost 8 yrs of parenting experience, and I have these things happen too, for instance my MIL led my daughte around trick or treating last night. I pick my battles because I know it is good for my child to interact with other adults. But ultimately, when I need to be in charge I step in and take control. You need to learn to do the same. And don't feel guilty about it. You sound like a great involved Mom.

Hmmm. Gives me a bad feeling. I mean, my own mother who is very involved with my sons life would not step on my toes like that. I have many close friends, some with and some without their own kids, and none of them would ever step on my toes like that. Nor would I ever do that with a friends child. Who knows what her real issue is, but bottom line, if you are uncomfortble with anything having to do with your daughter, you should follow your instincts. I mean, how well do you really know this girl? If you can't talk to her about it, I would either schedule only adult-only time with her, or cut her off entirely. Never, ever let anyone do anything you are uncomfortable with!

I have a different opinion: this is too much. She should not act like the mommy or assume you want her to. My advice is to distance the visits she pays you (let her come less often for a while) and to redirect her attention when she tries to step in inappropriately, for example just when she's getting ready to discipline or teach something to your daughter, you could simply say: "Sam, would you please hand me the baby powder..." and then tell her: "please, let ME do the scolding, I don't want for the baby to get confused". This girl reminds me of a movie where this lady who could not have children became obsessed with her friend's child and kidnapped him. Just a movie, of course, but still, obsessions are a real thing. You need to keep her at bay, you don't know her long. Her behavior would totally weird me out. Just don't leave the baby alone with her before you understand what type of personality she has.

Rule number one - and one of the hardest lessons to learn - is learning how to set your boundaries. You, as a person and friend, need to learn how to do this and as a parent it's absolutely necessary to master the skill. I've struggled with it myself and it can be tough to stick to your guns but as you're finding, if you don't people, even friends, will tend to make it their way rather than your way. Something no one wants to see happen and especially in a situation that involves your own children. You need to let Sam know none of this is okay and if she can't respect that then you may need to see her only for casual lunches occasionally or something similar. She sounds like someone who is quite lost herself. By setting this boundary, she may resent it but you're actually doing her a favor. Good luck and stay strong - for yourself and your family!

I would not have this lady around anymore if she continues to do this. I would have nipped it in the bud early though, like "Really Sam, thanks for helping, but I enjoy parenting my daughter."

It all was annoying, but then she undressed her and got her ready for bed.... I would have marched in there and sent Sam home. She has absolutely zero boundaries, and it's really creepy to me.

I once had a kinda creepy friend like just this, zero boundaries. She came over to hang out and I went to make lunch and she then disappeared, it was really weird, I thought she went home. I went in my room like an hour later and she was asleep IN MY BED, under my covers> I woke her up and sent her home.

It could be that she does just want to be helpful and enjoys the fun side of caring for a child (while not really having the responsibility). Maybe she's lonely. It could be she wants a child of her own and maybe struggles with boundaries. I would say limit your time with her when you have your daughter with you and maybe try to tell her "Sam, I am glad we've become friends and I appreciate your help w/ Suzie but I really prefer that you let me handle things unless my hands are full".

Hello,
I would suggest when you & Sam are alone, you politely tell her to please wait for you to ask if she can lend a hand, that you are DD's mom & it is your place to discipline her, to get her ready for bed, feed her, etc... Let her know you appreciate her help, but that she is not giving you a chance to do your motherly duty.

I hope this helps.

Best of luck,
C.

Maybe she is just lonely. Look at this in a positive light: You found a friend that you get along with, who is great with your daughter although yes, a little over bearing but thats not so bad either. You need to let her know her place. When she does this, just say "Mommy's got this but thank you so much for your help" and she will get it.

It's nice that she wants to help, and you sound like you found a wonderful babysitter for the future.

Does she come from a big family? Or just has baby fever?
She sounds like she just loves kids, and is happy to have found one that likes her back and in the big picture, is that so awful? Doesnt sound like it.

Have a small talk with her, and just be nice and friendly about it. Doesnt need to be a big deal just a little something to let her know you appreciate the help and its welcomed just to let you do your Momma thing.

Dont sweat the small stuff girl!

The first time anyone else tried to parent my child would be the last time I hung out with them. This is flat out weird behavior. I have a feeling that talking to her would not work, it sounds like she is just an off person. If I were you, I would slowly remover her from my life. Just call her less and less, not make plans with her, etc. Eventually she will move her "weird-self" on to someone else.

I am sure you have other friends you can hang with that do not have this desire to parent your child.

Good luck!

P.S. Never feel afraid or worried how you will look if you step in and say something to someone that is a bit uncomfortable. Your responsibility is to your child not anyone else out there. Trust your gut.

I wonder if to her, it's like playing with a doll? Like she's enjoying picking out pajamas and dressing her? My guess is she's pretty immature? At least most 19 year olds are. But it's still nutty behavior, with no boundaries. She needs to go make her own family.

I really think you need to distance yourself from her. Under no circumstances is it ok for someone you don't knowwell to dress your child. Pedophiles will ingrain themselves in your family and try to gain your trust before they do something to your child. It is called "grooming".
She may just be a lonely girl, but your child is too precious for you to take any chances!

I wonder if she has younger siblings and was a caretaker for them? Then this behavior would be natural for her. I would just be honest with her in the nicest way possible. And maybe don't invite her to special events...like the FIRST trick or treating. She probably thinks she is helping you out. And also if you have only known her for 2 weeks maybe you should slow down. It takes me a while to trust someone and let them into my family.