New Step Mom of a 5 Yr Old Child - Husband Rebeling

You are the grown up here right?? So please act like one. This is a little boy that sees his dad but once a year for a few weeks. I think you can suck it up and let them have a good time for the time the kid is there.

Take it from another step-mom...don't do this. The boy is there 1 month of every year, seriously!!!! My husbands son lives 2 hours away and depending on what was going on it may be 1 week or 3 weeks between seeing him and he MISSES HIM SO MUCH and you need to be understanding of this.

You aren't going to fix a problem (him not sleeping in his own bed) in 1 month, plus think of it from the little child's perspective. He is only there for a short time of every year and he's scared, he really doesn't know your house or you guys for that matter. You acting this way is only going to come in between you and your husband. YOU should NEVER expect your husband to pick between you or his child, which is essentially what you're doing because guess what, YOU WILL LOSE!!! Make this short time you have with this child fun, not a competition between you and him, and that is exactly what your doing.

Also, big deal no intimacy for that month, there are other ways to find the time for that. Be creative, I'm not going to spell that out for you...

IMO, it is wrong of you to expect these things of a child who only sees his father for 1 month out of the year. Of course he is uncomfortable. It is only a month. I think you need to put your own needs to the side and try to make the best of the short time you all have together. Encourage Dad and son to spend as much time as they can together. Is 1 month really all that long in the grand scheme of things. Maybe if your husband spent more time with his son he would feel more comfortable in your home.

You lost me at "I never liked kids". That's fine and I'm not judging you for that alone. However, I proabably am judging your for marrying someone with a child if that's how you feel about them. Poor little boy. I'd be clingy too if my dad married someone that didn't like me and I had to live with them for a month.

His son is in a transition and I suspect it's temporary. He's 5 and in a completely new situation and isn't mature enough to deal with it. As he shouldn't be able to just yet since he's 5. Since it's only a month I wouldn't worry about it. You don't really have the mothering instinct to know what his son is going through and I am sure he senses you really don't want him there. In a regular situation where the mother liked the step child she would comfort him and help to make him feel at ease in this new situation. Since I don't suspect that is you just ride it out.

I am glad the dad is there for his son.

Your husband shouldn't be insulting you, but think of it this way:

It is ONE month out of the year. He is a little kindergartener. The poor baby, for all intents and purposes, lost his beloved dad. He only gets to be with his dad ONE month out of the year. That is something that no little boy should have to go through. When you have a little one of your own, and you know how much he loves his daddy, imagine his daddy being taken away from him, because his parents couldn't get along. That thought should, and hopefully will, break your heart.

You have your husband 11 months out of the year. Your stepson has him 1. You haven't become a mom yet, so I understand that your maternal instincts haven't been awakened, but please, sacrifice for this poor little boy.

It doesn't matter why he "doesn't want to sleep alone." And at least by the time he's a teen, he won't want to sleep with dad any more, probably much earlier.

When you married your husband, you got a package deal. Unfortunately, it's not just about you. That's the situation you married into.

Do it for the little boy's sake. And GOOD FOR YOUR HUSBAND for putting his son's welfare ahead of his new cutie. That's the sign of a real man, and something many (most) men don't do.

You found yourself a good one.

Is it wrong of me to expect a 5 year old to sleep on his own? Yes.

Is it wrong of me to expect my husband to tell his child that he needs to be a big boy and sleep in his own bed?

Sorry, honey, when you married your husband, you married a father with a CHILD.

Seriously, "lack of intimacy" and "personal time" with him for a month out of the year? Big whoop. Grow up. No wonder why the kid doesn't want you around. This post makes it sound like you are a selfish, immature little brat, demanding to be put "first"! Are you? Actions speak louder than words. If a father lives hundreds of miles away from his child and you have to "adjust" for the measly time he gets to see him, then put on your big girl panties and deal.

I've been a stepmom for 25 years. My stepkids were 1 and 4 when we began living together. Don't make your husband chose between you and his son. He will chose his son, and he should.

Is this one month per year the only time this five-year-old sees his dad? If so, then he is staying in an unfamiliar place with a dad he doesn't know very well, and his dad's wife who doesn't like him. Great. And you expect him to sleep in his own bed so your life isn't interrupted. He's 5!

If your husband knows you "never wanted kids, never liked kids", then he isn't likely going to be willing to work with you on this issue.

You have a choice here. You can decide to genuinely like and care for this five-year-old boy that didn't ask for you to marry his dad, or not. This is the biggest issue, not who sleeps in what bed temporarily.

I agree with your husband and feel terribly for this little boy (at least your husband had a choice).

This kid has absolutely no choice in all of this.

It's one month out of the year. You're not talking about 365 days of co-sleeping (which some kids do even when their bio parents are married to each other).

It might be a good idea to seek counseling, and read up on child development. At the very least, I would do my best to avoid harming this child emotionally by making him feel unwanted and by laying the burden on him that his dad is unhappy (because his wife is on his case). Kids personalize everything, whether it's warranted or not.

Please get help if you're going to stay in this marriage.

My personal and honest opinion is that this little 5 yr old boy only gets one month out of the entire year to spend with his Daddy and you are (not trying to be rude here) being selfish of his time. This child obviously has fears of being alone and wants the comfort of a parent and with that he is getting to bond with his father. I say try to be the bigger person and definitely dont ask your husband to choose or push his son away just because you are having a hard time coping with the lack of intimacy you have together. Its not like he isnt at home, he is just sharing his time with his son while he is at your home for a very short while. Try to make the best of it and bond with the little guy too

I'm sure you will hear a lot of answers like this but what I would expect from a 5 year old in his own home vs what I would expect from a 5 year old at his dad's house for one month out of the year are two different things. I would encourage you to do everything you can to be supportive of their relationship. Plan activities to do with him - see what's going on for kids in your community right now. I know from my grandkids that sometimes its easier to be out with them than it is to be home with them! Make kid friendly meals. Buy some quiet activities for when you're really nuts like DVD's and coloring books. Do some stuff outdoors - let his dad teach him some soccer or T-ball or get a remote control car to play outdoors with. I would take stories and toys to bed with the three of us and make it a fun family time. He won't want to sleep with you guys when he's 13 anyways. Try to enjoy him.

Personally, since it's only one month a year, I would allow my husband to enjoy his son (regardless of my opinion of whether or not he was parenting properly) in any fashion he likes. It must be pretty scary for a kid to come stay at a more or less strangers house.

If he LIVED with you, well that may be a different story. But since your husband only gets 1/12th of the year to spend with his only son, yeah, concessions need to be made.

:)

Maybe it'd be a good time for you go go visit a family member, friend, something for yourself you don't normally do?

Suck it up it is only for a month and he will out grow it soon.

Your husband sounds wonderful. Please don't put him in a position where he feels he has to choose between his child and his wife, because a good father will always choose his child. He's doing what he needs to do in order to help his son transition.

I think the 5 yr. old is behaving pretty normal. That's very young to be away from home (mommy) for a full month. Respect the fact that your husband wants to be there for him and if that means sleeping with him for a few dozen nights, that's okay. You will definitely miss the intimate/private time, but see if you two can slip away during a nap time, dvd movie time. It will have to be quick, but that's okay. Welcome to the world of having a young child in the house! The more comfortable and happy you make his son, the more his dad will love you.

When I met my husband, his daughter (age 6) was sleeping in bed with him. Now in their circumstance, he had lived in his mom's house and they only had 2 bedrooms and my husband, his sister AND his daughter all shared ONE room. He slept in the bed with his daughter and his sister slept on the other twin bed. They had just moved to a new house where everyone, including his daughter, had their own room but she didn't want to sleep alone so they were still co-sleeping.

I, like you, couldn't believe that a child of that age would not sleep in their own room! AND that the father wasn't making them! However, I have found out a few things.

#1 There seems to be a lot of divorced parent guilt. I see it all the time, and I can't say that if I was a divorced mom that I woudln't also have it. My husband and probably yours both feel guilty that the child was torn apart from having a family by their divorce. So they try to make amends, and they try to make the most of their time together. Now, my SD lives with us so you'd think that he'd have less guilt but that's not true! It's just something you'll have to deal with.

#2 There is step-parent jealousy. I have it at times. Here is this other person that was there BEFORE me, and will often come first in his life over me, and that I'm not a part of. It's something you have to deal with, and find the confidence in your heart to know that your husband loves you, and that love is not something that you can ever run out of. It helps if your husband does his best to include you. My husband, at first, was very protective of his relationship with his daughter and didn't want me to be any part of "their world." It hurt, I admit. But I talked to him about it and now there isn't a "their world" and "my world" but we are all one family. Sure I give them their alone time, but it's less desperate for them now than it was in the beginning. In the beginning they were adament on shutting me out. Now we've all realized that they can have a special relationship without purposely excluding me--a relationship that is EXCLUSIVE is hurtful. One that is INCLUSIVE builds family. Everyone had to grow.

My advice to you is to try to be the bigger person. Yeah, being a stepmom SUCKS sometimes, but you have to realize that all of you have to get used to the situation. Your husband is feeling guilt and protective over his son that he hardly ever sees. You may be feeling jealousy and hurt over being excluded. Your husband probably won't see his own feelings, so it's going to be up to you to handle the situation like an adult!

What we did for my husband's daughter is we turned bedtime into a family sleepover party. We put on a movie and we ALL snuggled in bed together. The deal was after she fell asleep he would carry her to her own bed. For us it was the best of both worlds. She got to go to sleep with Daddy like she was used to, and then after she was alseep and moved to her own bed we got the intimacy we wanted. This went on that way for months. When they moved in with me and she had her own room again, that was when we transitioned her to her own bed. My husband often had to snuggle in her bed with her to get her to sleep, but eventually he didn't have to do that anymore.

See if you husband will agree to that deal. If not, please don't think of it as him rejecting you over his son. You remember that you husband has a lot of issues being separated from his son and hardly ever seeing him. Probably he doesn't even know what to do and he's doing the best he can. YOU be the bigger person and try to approach the situation with compassion.

Also, I've found that if you EVER criticize anything your husband does, or his child, he will immediately attack--no matter how wrong his child is. So always try to be careful how you phrase things or you will ALWAYS lose the fight. I've found that a simple change of phrasing that shows I'm on their side works wonders.

Things will improve as all of you grow and find your place as a family. I promise that the first year or so can be bumpy--but there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, check out smoms.org. The other stepmoms there helped me keep my sanity the first year, and also showed me that I have it GOOD compared to what else is out there!

he's 5, my daughter still falls asleep next to M. (shes 4) and my ex spoke to his therapist who specializes in kids and said we're the only country who makes a big deal about this and that she'll be fine and many countries do this if the kid needs to until 6 or 7, and not to rush her if shes insucure after our break up....if it was for a long time and it hurt your relationship i'd say you have to compromise in this sittuation it';s only a month he spends with his son, and his son is ripped from his home...he didn't ask to have divorced parents....i say let him fall asleep there then your husband can leave the bed or transport him and hang with you and you can be intimate other places in the house...at other times, make it fun...and also he should work on including u at some times during the day....this is tough, becuase he only sees his dad for one month...you get his dad all year and you're not his kid, even if you don't like kids imagine being little and an adult getting your one parent more time than you do...

Understandable for you to want him to sleep in his own bed......Reasonable to EXPECT that? No....he's away from his mom for 1 month a year and is still young. Maybe he sleeps with his mom. I would ask your hubby to make a compromise. Ask him to have his son go to bed in his bed (he can lay with him if he wants) but if he wakes up, he can sleep with BOTH of you. No need for you to get booted....or if he doesn't like that, tell him to sleep in his room with him.

I., I do understand where you are coming from, now, take yourself out of this situation for a moment... There is a 5 year old little boy, who has co-slept all his life with his mother or father... He parents are separated now, so when he sees his daddy for one month out of 12, he's in a place where he's not use too, with a woman he barely knows. So don't expect him to even want to sleep in a room he's not even used too all by himself. This little boy isn't use to it and that's not right to force him to...

Secondly, the son did come before you. You are his wife, but his son is child. You can give your opinion but I don't think you should be telling him how to handle his son.

I can tell you love this man very much and this is a little hard for you. Let the boy sleep in bed with is daddy if that makes him feel comfortable... When he falls asleep (deep sleep) you can still have some quiet alone time with your hubby in another room of the house (if you ever want kids in the future, you have to take advantage of all moments no matter what time or what room).

He's only going to be there for a month, but you could try, the first week and 1/2 (10 days) let him and daddy sleep together. Then try the next 10 days with his bed in your room and he sleeps on it. then the last 10 see if he's ready to sleep in his own room... just try it out... Maybe be longer on the first co-sleeping part. Just mention to your husband and see what he says... Also, talk with him, let him know how you feel which I'm sure he knows. But say this is a little hard on you, so please work with you, that you do want him to have a great time with his son and you support him. You want to be on the same page with him.

Kids do change your life. To me, they are worth it, but the freaky nights aren't as many or as long as they use to be, the family time makes up for it (most of the time). Your legacy will live on through your children, my kids have given me more than anything in the world could give... to love you unconditionally, never think there is anything wrong with you, if you get fat, it doesn't matter to them, your are the best mommy ever, makes you feel like a queen... Then they get older and they bring home a picture they made, you see the love and time they put in it, how proud they are, and your heart melts... to watch them grow into these adults is a beautiful thing, it bring tears to your eyes, you remember when they were so tiny they fit in your arms...

Hang in there, take some deep breaths. Don't put such high expectations on this visit, he's only 5 years old, that is still very young. Everything is a change for him, so make it as comfortable as possible...

You don't have children of your own.
Thus, with all due respect, it is hard to understand... a young child and a parent's emotions about it.

This boy, is typical.
Also per his age.
A child, this young, does NOT have coping-skills nor the ability to self-direct or understand their emotions. He is also from a broken home.
Thus, it is hard for him. In many aspects.
It creates, a TON of insecurities and 'fears' in a child. They need their parent. They need a foundation. They need, to know... that they are loved and that they are wanted.....

You can have intimacy elsewhere in the house. That is what MANY parents do. And with parents that co-sleep with their kids.
Typical.

"Expectations" upon a child, has to be age-appropriate.
He is 5. Not 15.
Sleeping with a parent... I did that too. My parents let me. I grew out of it.
All kids do.

You are not only with your Husband, but with him and his child.
He does not exist in isolation.
Being a parent, means toggling EVERYTHING... to please everyone. All the time. It is not easy.

Again, I slept with my parents too as a child. I grew out of it. They made NO big deal of it.
My kids slept with me too.
We have a floor futon on the floor of our bedroom.
My kids can sleep there, anytime or if scared at night or sick.
NO biggie.

One day, a child will not even want to be near their parent.
At this age, it is precious.
They need, their parent.
They are a child.
You are an adult. Thus, you have the cognizance, to compromise and make adjustments... and to have intimacy elsewhere in the house.

You are not 'competing' with this child.
You are living, WITH this child. And his father.
Big difference.

Please, do not put your Husband in a situation of having to 'choose' between his child and you.
A child, is not negotiable.

You, should be proud of your Husband- because he cares about his son... and is not being a Dead-Beat Dad. He is, there for his son.
What if your Husband was a Dead-Beat Dad who just shunned his son? Would that make you happier?

If you keep, competing with his Son, you will have a very unhappy marriage.
Once you become a "Parent"... there is no carte blanche in terms of your own needs. And if you expect that, you will be making your "family" very unhappy. And your Husband.

Okay first of all I understand where you are coming from with not having any kids but I also think given the situation there are concessions that need to be made. Your husband does not see/sleep/hangout with his son everyday like he does you. So for one month a year you need to step aside, this is your husbands son and as much as you dont want to admit it you are trying to make him choose and sadly the plain truth is in the end you will lose this war. He is 5 he is in a strange place as he gets older he will move into his own but right now and probably forever when this boy is in your house your job is to make his visit and time with his dad as easy as possible for the two of them because honest to god at this point this month is just NOT about you. Buck up let the two of them have their time there is only room for one child in the house, your life will be back to normal in a few weeks just deal.

Never been in that situation. However, there are countless studies about children and co-sleeping. There are view points from both sides, and pros and cons. One question that I would have, is where does he sleep at moms? If he sleeps with mom that's a bigger issue - but in this situation it's also irregardless. So, with that said. Here's my opinion.

My children have NEVER slepted in bed with us. Rarely, and that's very rarely, we'll wake up to have one of them on the floor. They got scared in the middle of the night, so they made a bed on the floor. They know that if they even crawl into bed with us, after bed time has been called, they are in trouble. Before bed time they are welcome to come into our room and hang out on the bed if we are there - but not when it's bed time.

So, it is not wrong of you to expect a 5 year old to sleep in his own bed. Even if he sleeps with mom at home, he is old enough to understand that there are two different sets of rules for each house. It is also not wrong to expect your husband to enforce the rule of sleeping in his own bed.

At the same time, I'm going to play devils advocate (a role I often play at home and it often helps to see every angle of a situation). Looking at it from your son's point of view first. He lives with mom 11 months out of the year, and lives with dad for 1 month. That's the only time he sees dad (based on what you said). Basically, you're taking a 5 year old, taking him out of his normal environment and bringing him to a somewhat unfamiliar home for one month. If I were a five year old, I would be a little uncertain, a little scared and not sure of the "new rules". It might take him time to work through this. But again, if dad lets him get away with sleeping in your bed, then it's not helping him. Someone should sit down with him and talk about his feelings. Help him adjust to the new place, not just be the "bad person", but show that everyone cares.

On your husbands side of things, he only sees his son for this one month out of the year. He's basically the absentee father. So, when he is with his son he doesn't want to be the "bad person". His response is to give him what he wants, so he'll want to come back every year. That's not going to work either - he's going to end up spoiling him beyond belief and causing more problems down the road.

At the same time, you said that you don't like kids - could this be influeincing your feelings towards this child? Keep in mind, I agree that he should not be sleeping with you all the time. However, you do need to separate your feelings towards kids in general and the situation at hand. You love your husband, and you knew he had the son when you married him (I'm assuming), and he's part of the package. But like any new parent (step or otherwise) there are always learning and adjustments through the process.

Good luck!

I sympathize with you not being supported by your husband so I am not trying to insult you; however, a person who does not like/want kids should NEVER get involved with a single parent because the kids are part of the package. You chose to marry this man, this child did not choose to be born, be part of a broken home, or have stepparents. He didn't choose to live one place 11 months of the year and then be shipped off for one month with his dad that he doesn't see, a new stepmom, and a strange place.

My guess is that either he is left alone at home and doesn't like it or he just feels out of place/insecure in your home. Or a bit of both.

For one month of each year I think you should be more sympathetic to you stepson. I am not saying you should leave your bed but could you set up a cot, sleeping bag, or even move his bed in your room for the first week and then transition him back to "his" bed? Remember, it doesn't feel like his bed but rather a strange bed. I suspect he will grow out of it but until he does, I suggest you not make this a battle...he will feel the tension/hostility and it will only make matters worse and everyone miserable.

You're doing the right thing in reaching out to experienced moms for opinions since you dont have much experience with very young children. It is very normal for a five year old not to want to sleep alone in any place other than his home. We just spent a few nights at Grandmoms and my six year old woke up crying every night and insisted on sleeping with one or both of us. He ALWAYS sleeps in own room at home but not in strange places and not even at Grandmoms! and this is a child who is with his mom and dad in a familiar place. In this he is acting like an average five year old. However If this is a strange place to him or you are a new person in his life expect some major regressions and do not be surprised if he occasionally acts like a three or 4 year old. That too is normal when a five year old feels stressed. Please post again if more problems arise during this month he is in a new situation and more problems can arise but again you are doing the right thing in trying to figure out what is best for your step son. (please ignore if anyone gives you a hard time-sometimes mothers criticize step moms and vice resa, just like SAHMs criticize working moms and the other way around. Just ignore harsh criticism and you will get great guidance!)

Truthfully - I still co-sleep with my almost 6 y/o...

But that really doesn't matter because that is not something you chose to do and your husband needs to at least consider your side of the issue. I'd say fine - then I'd leave for a month long trip elsewhere - either with family, a place I wanted to visit, etc... if finances allow it of course.

Yes, try to be patient and understanding and never, EVER, get in between your hubby and his son, your hubby will grow hard feelings for you. Plus, it's easier, you'll learn, to let him call his shots with his son and you stand in the background until the natural "fine tuning" process of this new family ends. This poor boy (ONLY 5 y.o.) is getting adjusted to a different situation, he's away from home, from mom, and it's normal to be overly attached to what he knows (dad) so much that he would never leave him, not even to sleep. I think it's a phase, you are the adult and should accomodate this child's needs until things settle and he feels more comfortable with you and in this new family. You and your hubby can help things along with all the things other mamas suggested, but I would definitely NOT force him to sleep alone if he's scared or even anxious about it...he's just a little boy. I hope you can find it in your heart that neither the boy, nor his father, are doing this TO YOU...a step family is not a "natural" family and it takes time and understanding for children to get used to it.

You need to put more of an effort in this relationship with your step son. Saying that you " were miserable " last year, speaks volumes. Maybe if you showed more compassion to his situation, and make him feel more comfortable he wouldn't feel the need to sleep with his father every night. He is doing this because he feels neglected, and needs comfort. He misses his father. Being 5 years old and also having parents that are divorced, is such a hard thing for a little one to go through. Do something with him alone, take an interest in his interests, show that you care about him. Give him lots of hugs and pay attention to him. Kids are like sponges, they soak up everything, and are a lot more intuitive then you might think. He probably feels very uncomfortable sleeping in an unfamiliar place. He needs to feel safe and protected, hence the sleeping with your husband. It's not wrong of you to expect a five year old to sleep on his own, but this is a very different circumstance. Your husband will probably be more open to discuss this issue if you were more sympathetic to it.

I think you have to think of the 5 year old - yes he is old enough to sleep in his own room, but 5 is still very young, and he is away from everyone and everything he knows.
You should not be kicked out of your bed though, not acceptable.
The kid should be able to sleep in the room with you, on a mattress, or cot.
I think things will settle down, it's hard to be a step child/parent - been there, done both.

The worst thing I am seeing here is that you have been kicked out of your own bed by a 5 year old's request. There is no reason that you should have to sleep on the couch.
Also a problem is how your husband walks away from you when you are talking instead of acting like an adult. That would NOT fly with me.

We don't co sleep (we tried but it made me miserable), but we have spent many an hour sleeping in our kids' beds if they have a nightmare, are sick or have trouble sleeping. That might be a better option for your husband instead of him going along with a 5 year olds demands that you not sleep in the bed with them.
I am all for little ones feeling secure, and I am sure that your step son does feel out of balance with leaving his mom for a month, but you shouldn't be treated like an outsider.

You need a workable compromise. You may have to deal with in your room but not in your bed. What about a sleeping bag in your room for him with a foam pad or cot under it. Or could put his bed in your room (my 2.5 year old is still in my room in her crib). Start him in his own bed and if he comes to your room later he has his own space. If you can talk to your husband calmly explain you don't want to be kicked out of your own bed (or sleep in the kid's bed if you have to).

My son is also 5 and hates to go to sleep alone (and he has had a pretty stable life). Either my husband or I read to him and sit with him until he falls alseep (a bit of a pain but doable). 5 is still pretty young. My friend has a 7 year old that also still sleeps in her room. Other firends who planned to cosleep ended up with a twin bed next to their king size bed for enough room. I know this is a little uncomfortable since he is not your biological child or with you most of the time but I think it is possible to work something out.

First off, it's never okay for anyone to insult your way of thinking just because it's 'different' from their own, whether it's coming from your husband, one of us, or anyone else... you need a large dose of self esteem and confidence my dear :)

Second, I'm like you. Whether you're my kid or not, at 5, go sleep in your own bed. You might need to pull out the mighty 'I'm the wife and stepMOM card', and put your foot down; draw lines. For starters, instead of your stepson sleeping in bed with you guys, put him down at night in HIS bed and read bedtime stories laying next to him. Ask him what would make him more comfortable and feel safer by himself in his room. If he answers with 'a flashlight, a dinosaur, a nightlight, a tv'... whatever it is, oblige this once. He can't complain about it if he gets what he wants. Take it upon yourself to start this, then make sure your husband sees the progress. He needs to be on your side with this one.

Good luck :)

If you really love your husband, then try to think about his best interest too. He only gets one month out of a whole year to be with his little boy, let him have his time, why ruin it with fighting or making him choose or being unpleasant. He is only five, away from his home and his mom he probably needs the comfort and wants to be close to his dad. Instead of fighting for your husbands attention why not try to form a bond with this little boy, put his needs first, don't try to get between them that will cause resentment. He sounds like a good man, and good men put their children first not their new wives. Please support your hubby if he wants the extra cuddle time allow him to have it. He will grow out of it. And remember the experiences(and the bonds formed) this child gets now will last forever. Hang in there its only a month...

My 5 year old still sleeps with us... he sneaks in around 3am almost every night. Drives me nuts, I usually kick him out of the bed, or tell him he can stay in the room but he needs to sleep on the floor, and he will bring his pillow and blanket and lay on the floor. But some nights I'm too tired to deal with it and I let it slide.

Really though, his child is 5. He wont be doing this in a few years and it's only for one month out of the whole year. I would grin and bear it. I would privately talk with your husband that you are okay with him sleeping in the room, but that it is unfair to make demands for you to sleep on the couch. You guys need to foster a strong front together so the child doesn't grow up walking all over you, but still be sensitive to the little boy's needs.

There is a compromise here somewhere, just calmly and lovingly talk to your husband about it. I would say the child needs to be put to sleep in his room every night.... this is something you guys agreed on before the son arrived. But, make allowances for when he comes in. I think a palate on the floor next to the bed is a good compromise.

My husband is the step-parent of my daughter... It took some slow workings to get her to sleep in her bed every night all night... But she's with me a ton more than your step-son is with you and your husband.

At 5, he needs to be sleeping in his own bed (just my personal opinion). I know people that bedshare up through thier kids 10th bday.

The way we got my daughter to completely convert to her own bed, room, and all night was I'd lay in her bed with her for awhile... Basically compromising with her. Would your husband try that maybe? That way, he's not having to choose, but you still get private time too.

As far as not wanting kids, never wanting them, and not really liking them... If your husband knows this, he's in super defense mode. Specifically when his son is there. Just try and be gentle. He only gets to be with his son for one month out of 12.

If you have any other questions, PM me!

eh, you're both wrong. He's a little boy and in a strange new place, and rarely sees his dad. So yup, he's clingy, it's just a month, count the days, but try to make the best of it. On the other hand your husband needs to set up some rules. There is NO reason you got kicked out of your bed. That's plain wrong. For a husband that doesn't want to choose between you guys, he sure as heck did right there.

How about suggesting a compromise, very nicely, something like the child goes to bed in his room and can come into your bed when he wakes up but he has to sleep in a designated spot and accept that it's your bed. The less you attack your husband and the more willing you are to bend the more open he will be to listening. or you could suggest setting up a bed next to your husbands side of the bed for the child to sleep in, so everyone has enough room.

I know that doesn't solve the problem, but you aren't going to win the battle of getting him in his own room all night every night. As for alone time, sneak to the living room or another fun location after the child goes to sleep and steal some time, it's JUST a month.

The 5 year old should be sleeping in his own bed. At his mom's house and at your house. Hello, he is 5! You are completely not in the wrong here!

Well now you know why the first marriage failed more than likely. No seriously you are correct in the fact that a 5 year old boy cannot sleep alone. More than likely he sleeps with his own mother because she doesn't want to sleep alone which in a sense to me at a certain that will become a "sick" thing. He obviously has done so with his dad or his dad gives into him for whatever reasons.
Personally if a 5 year old child told me I couldn't sleep in my own bed there would be a serious problem. That child is telling you what you are going to do and the dad is allowing it and now so are you. You are his WIFE and that is his child from a previous relationship and just because they give into the child's every single request doesn't mean you have to but let it be known you will be the step witch mom because now here you are and here he is who has never been told that he can't do something and now he is ONLY being told by YOU that its not allowed!!??? IT doesn't matter if you have kids or not.....this child is ruling over everyone else's life and you know what I think it all boils down to the fact they feel guilty. Alot of times parents who divorce feel guilty for the children and they try to make up for the "break" within the family by various things. Buying them whatever they want, giving into their every single demand, etc. it all stems from guilt.
You have a choice my dear. Either you can put up with this for one month out of the entire year and let things be OR you can tell your husband you are not happy and that you WILL NOT accept this and if he is not okay with that well then you got yourself an even bigger decision to make. Why was this subject not approached when you were dating?? You had to of known beforehand this was the case.....did you both discuss it? I don't really understand. Your husband would not be choosing between you or his son. It's a simple matter that your husband has a hard time telling his son NO and he wants to make you seem like the bad guy because you are the one telling him his parenting techniques are wrong. First no no for any parent is someone else telling them they are doing it wrong. For the most part I realize that oter mom's and dad's will see nothing wrong with a child sleeping in your bed but I personally don't believe that is where a child should be-unless they are sick. It's a pet peeve of mine and I'm sorry if other's don't share that opinion but no child needs to be sleeping in the bed with dad -especially at the age of 5!!!! Just my opinion take it or leave it.

As a child of divorce, it's NOT fun, and I was older so I had better coping skills. This poor kiddo doesn't have them yet, so his actions are not surprising. Your hubby is probably beating himself up guilt-wise for his son's sake, which is also understandable. Sorry, but when you have a relationship with a parent, you're not just having a relationship with one person. You made the choice to get married and become a co-parent, so you have to deal with it and do your best to think from the child's perspective - not to SPOIL them, but to understand how they feel. A family counselor who deals with blending families might be a good idea - approaching it from a "how to make it work the best it can".

Yes, you can expect son to sleep on his own, and hubby to have his son sleep in son's bed, BUT with the divorce and living far apart most of the time, there is a lot of emotion here - it's not a happy, easy situation.

I think a compromise would work. Approach hubby from a place of love and sympathy about the situation.

My son sleeps in his own bed - he is 4 - BUT little ones do sometimes need extra comfort. My husband and I have made our bed OURS - but our son's bed is a twin, so one of us can fit into it if he needs the comfort.

I suggest having son's bed be big enough for dad to fit into with him. Dad can snuggle with his son as much as he wants to, and come back to his marriage bed when son falls asleep. If son wakes up, dad walks him back into his room and puts him to sleep, or can even fall asleep in his son's bed (I've done that when I'm dog-tired). They get the extra cuddle time they need together, and YOU get the cuddle time you need together. You're not the bad guy cause you are saying "YES, of course be close!", but you are also saying to your hubby "I love you and want to be close to you too."

This is a hard one - but, it all seems to come down to communication and understanding.

What strikes me first is that your husband shuts down and won't talk to you. You need to find out why. What is going on, really? Make sure you are having this conversationb after hours, when the child is bed. Make sure Hubby knows that you care for him and for his son. It seems that you do. Then focus on your feelings, being sure to use those "I" statements - that you are feeling hurt by his current actions.

Then, you need to get him to address the issues with his son. You need to approach the son together to find out why he won't sleep in the room. Is there something he has at home that he doesn't there? Also, you may have made the room comfortable in your opinion, but how much input did the child have? Involving him makes him part of the family. Also, maybe the child is worried you will try to take his Dad away. I mean, one month a year is not a lot of time, and has to be confusing for a child.

The best thing you can do is try to be understanding, but you need some answers too.

Good luck.
~C.

Without knowing all the details,

It is likely that his Mom allows such, so it would be best if Mom were also involved with resolving this issue. It might be a security issue for the little guy too.

He may also be going thru the Monster under the bed/in the closet phase.

Yet as the summer gets to fall and the beginning of school I think it might be best for the 3 ADULTS to come up with the same plan, ie big boys sleep in thier own room throughout the night and if something scares you then it is OK for you to yell for your dad or mom, but it is not Ok to just crawl into our bed in the middle of the night. Remind him he is a good boy, but that he is getting older and not a baby anymore.

Hello I.,

It sounds as if you're in a tough spot and I applaud you seeking advice from parents as you've said you have "no children." Technically you have no bio children darling, but you do have a step-son that you gained when you married his Dad. 1st and foremost give yourself credit as you step into the roll of parenting. I have never been in your position but I do have a 5 y/o. Our daughter sleeps in her own bed in her own room and has since she was 9 months old. However, if she is sick, has a nightmare, or it's storming out and she becomes scared she does come into our room and climb in bed with us. We NEVER turn her away when she is truly scared because she is looking to us to make her feel safe and secure. It is our job as parents to provide safety and security for our children. There have been a few times where she's tried to fake being scared and we've called her on it because we absolutely know when she's faking. Those times she is sent back to her bed. That being said, I'm trying to imagine if my daughter was in the same situation as your stepson. If my child only saw her father once a year for a month I'm quite sure she would be feeling scared, insecure, needy, and possibly unloved. He would be a virtual stranger to her after 11 months of separation. While I do not agree with your husband insulting you or walking away from you when your trying to talk to him, I can certainly see his frustration. I do NOT agree with you being sent to the couch, this is your home too after all. I'm quite sure there is a happy medium for all of you. Perhaps if you initiate a few family bonding activities for the three of you, your stepson will see that you are not trying to separate him from his Dad. (Keep in mind you have no idea what he has been told as to why his parents separated. He may think you "stole" his Dad from his Mom and may resent you for it. Also totally normal for a child of his age.) Make the effort to show the child that you care about him and will be there for him just like his Dad and Mom are. Whatever you can do to make him feel more secure in your home will go a long way to him gaining the security he so desperately needs. And it will not happen overnight, this will probably take several visits to iron out completely. In the mean time, perhaps he could sleep in your room in a sleeping bag or blow up mattress. Most importantly you and your hubby need to have a united front at all times with your stepson. NEVER argue about him in front of him. Try to approach your hubby with a compromise and make it clear to him that you understand how difficult this is on your husband as well as your stepson. I get the feeling what you're looking for is to be included not eliminated when your stepson is visiting. Perhaps some of the problem is you resent being pushed out when his son comes to town. If your hubby is constantly pushing you aside and excluding you when his son visits, I imagine that must really hurt your feelings as well. You all must work on integrating into a family unit not you and dad against stepson or dad and stepson against you. Good Luck and God Bless.

You're new at this and an adjustment time for all of you is normal. I am a stepmom and have my own kids as well. At this stage in the relationship, with the age of the child, and given the condensed time he is there, you are best to just step back and let hubby and son do their thing. It will not turn out well at this point if you challenge your husband or make demands. Things will stabilize as the child gets older and as all of you fall into your familial roles. This takes time, and the one thing you have to remember now is that the 5 year old comes first every time. Right now it has to be about the child and not you or your hubby or your marriage. You and hubby and your marriage will be fine as long as there is communication and understanding. That does not mean you should be kicked out of the bed and it certainly does not mean your hubby should insult you and walk off. He has a responsibility in this too. Since the child is there now, and Plan A did not work, it is not going to work very well to try and scramble for a Plan B. That would be unfair for the child to have to go through that. It is for one month. You can do this. The child is going to be a part of your lives, and as I said it does take time for things to fall into place. Your hubby and the child need to see that you are going to be loving and understanding. Your hubby is feeling defensive and protective. There does need to be some intervention for him to be able to listen to you and at least make sure you are not kicked out of the room and that he is not insulting you. With all the changes, being in a new home, and only being 5, the child's needs simply have to take priority. He needs all the reassurance and love he can get. It's not easy for him making this huge transition and he can't be expected to handle things like a big boy just yet. We all know there are times we must sacrifice for the sake of the bigger picture, and for you this is one of those times. Just hang in there and have patience and grace.

A child is coming for 4 weeks, to a place that he only comes for short visits. He is in a strange place, nothing is familiar, he wants his dad. Dad should put him back in bed in the bedroom and lay down with him. Then expect to keep doing that over and over. He will get tired of it and just decide to sleep in the kids bedroom though. Eventually the child will mature and not want to sleep with dad at all.

I say it's only a month. Dad needs to keep putting him back in his bed but he needs to lay in there with him. The kid is probably scared spitless at night, even if there are night lights and everything to make him feel comfortable and really just needs his dad.

Yikes, watch out when you read any comments people are getting kind pushy here. I can see where they are coming from, you gotta do what you gotta do to keep the peace. Maybe try to make it fun for the two of them and use this time as a little vacation for yourself. Set them up to do fun boy things that will get them out of the house -movies, baseball games, hiking, the zoo, set up movie nights so they can camp out on the couch (get the bed to yourself), or even outside. Take it to the next level and serve easy made meals, so you aren't left with dishes, and have even more time to yourself. Then spend some time going to the spa, or seeing friends, shopping, visiting realatives. I'm sure your husband would appreciate all the effort you put into his kid, when in reality you just made it so they spend quality time together, and you didn't really have to be involved (since you don't like kids). As for the intimacy, I can't help you there, if the kid is going to sleep in the middle of the bed, he is going to sleep in the middle of the bed. Also, if your husband INSISTS that you attend some of these activities do one or two, but set up appointments during the times for ones that you just cant bare to go through (maybe the baseball game since those are really long). Good luck

Hi I.,

It sounds like all this is good reason to find a couples counselor, today.

I'm changing one part of my answer here, in that it's irrelevant what *I* think about age-appropriateness here. I think what I read in your post was confusion: you wrote "Before my step son came up here last week, my husband and I bought a bunch of things for his room to make it more comfortable, bought him a new bed-the works. We also made an agreement that he was going to make his son sleep in his room. " It sounds like there was a plan, you were both on board, and then things were suddenly switched up without any conversation as to a 'back-up plan'. I can see where this could be frustrating for you. Many men feel this way when their wives bring the new baby to their bed or room to sleep, so I understand how this does feel hurtful and confusing.

I do think the onus will be on you to help your stepson find activities that will engage him enough to keep busy on his own, and if you are the one home with him in the daytime when he visits, you will need to learn how to create structure and routine. This site can give you some ideas, as can small local workshops or websites. You might consider this a crash course in parenting, and feel free to PM me if you need ideas for kids his age. But it is a new way of thinking, being a parent or a caregiver, and I understand that it's a whole new bag for you. (I still remember my life at the start of working with kids. Many revelations about myself and the world and the kids all together. Growing pains! I can honestly say I didn't want kids for *years* even after I started working with them. At least 6 or 7 years, to be truthful. It was hard work and lots of learning and has become much easier.)

That said, both of you need counseling together to figure out how to make sure your marriage stays strong during these visits. You need to feel that you aren't the last person in the equation. And if you are feeling insulted by your husband, that's another issue. You two need to learn to communicate feelings about this without attacking each other.

Go to counseling. Find out what's really behind your husband's ambivilance around his son sleeping alone. Find out what he's needing from you, what are appropriate expectations for everyone. I've been part of blended families growing up. My mom married 5 times, and with her third marriage, brought a stepdad and his 2 kids, plus one of theirs together, into my sister's and my life. It's a huge change and there's *no shame* in asking for support. I wish my folks had. You can only strengthen your new family by doing this.:)

My son is 7 and just this year is comfortable sleeping by himself in his own room...but only if the light is on. Some kids have fears. My son is still nervous about it if we are in a place he is not used to. We just visited Grandpa and Grandma and he was pretty freaked out about sleeping alone away from me in that unfamiliar house (he's been there before but it has been a while). After the first night he was fine to sleep alone but I still had to lie with him till he fell asleep. Since your stepson only comes once a year you should really work with him to make sure he is comfortable. This might mean he sleeps with his dad this year but next year maybe his dad can lie with him at night in his own room till he falls asleep. Maybe the year after that he will be able to sleep alone. Every kid is different and some kids are extra sensitive about things and just need some extra time. This is one thing that sucks when your children are young -- your personal time with your hubby sometimes goes out the window!!! Since you are a stepmom now you are now a part of the parent club and you just have to be patient. It's hard! Now that our son is 7 and is going to sleep great at night we have a 20 month old and are starting all over! Yikes! I sincerely hope our little one does not take as long! I am sure she will be more into copying her big brother and will be much better about sleeping alone. I hope so anyway.