Every Morning My Boyfriends 5 Year Old Daughter Wants to Lay with Us in Bed

She's only there every other week; she's only five; she misses her daddy and wants to snuggle with him. Get over it. This is her daddy.

She probably feels the same way - I want to snuggle with my daddy but this woman is in my way and doesn't seem to want me there.

Be careful! If you voiced this to me, I would say don't make me choose between you and my daughter, because you will lose!

How long have been with her dad? over a yr i can understand the sleepovers. Or maybe you live together?
I'd freak if my ex was in bed with hhis gf and had my kids in bed with them. i wouldnt do it.
morals issues
those are the boudaries id set.
You dont need to have sex for those 4 days a month. : 0 )

Frankly I'm jealous!...if you get to have sex anytime of the week without a tiny knock on the door, or a MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM, or a I need somephing! Or a "why do have the door locked are you pooping?"

Get over it! Find another time to be intimate!

ETA: I just want to add...that you sound like you're competing with her...my advice is to not compete with her!

Simple. Don't be intimate in the morning, when you know she will wake. You are a girlfriend, not her mother, stepmother, or his wife. It should be thought of as HER house, first. Frankly, I don't think you should be staying the night when she's there...in all honestly...but that's simply my opinion.

The boundaries start with the ADULTS. When she is there it's about HER needs, not the girlfriend's. She is the priority when she is in the home, not your desire to get busy on a Saturday mornings.

Intimacy on the weekends? Who, with kids, has that?! You have a whole week without her- get your groovy on then or after she goes to bed. She came first. You second. Sometimes you have to take the backseat. Sorry-but that's the way it is.

You're right. Better boundaries DO need to be put in place.
He's her father.
You're his girlfriend.
She wins.
Suck it up and know you'll have complete privacy all of the following week.

Parents deal with this ALL of the time. Surely you can manage this.

She gets to see her dad for two days in every 14. Just live with it and enjoy the intimacy you get on the other 12 days.

It's definitely not your place to even insinuate that boundaries should be placed in this situation. Hate to break it to ya...but you're just the girlfriend. Children ALWAYS take priority.

Well given the fact that she is only 5 and doesnt see her daddy very often, maybe you need to re-schedule intimate times with your BF. This is probably h*** o* her because she has two houses, not just one. Have a little compassion and be a little bit more sensitive. I have to wonder if this little girl will start becoming an issue in your life if you continue to date her dad? If you are complaining now of a 5 yr old who is not legally your step daughter now, what will come in the future? Let me tell you, it get's worse!

You are the adult, she is the child. Pick your battles!

You stated you only get her every other weekend and it's bothersome to have her want to come into your bed in the mornings? really? She's 5 - that's what most 5 years old do. They don't want to lay in bed awake, by themselves or go watch tv or something else alone. I have a soon to be 5 year old - and he doesn't go downstairs to watch tv without us - he doesn't want to be alone. As far as the intimacy issue - you have how many other days a week - why can't the weekends when you have her be about her?

You only have her every other week.
Maybe, make your intimacy time, at night, AFTER she goes to bed and before her midnight waking.
Not in the morning.
For a little child who doesn't see her Dad too often... that is probably "her" quality time... with him and you. Snuggling. Kids love to do that with their parents.
My kids are 5 & 9... and in the mornings, they LOVE jumping into our bed and playing or chatting or hugging.
One day, they will not even want to be near us.
And you will miss it.

The girl is only 5.
Don't make her Dad choose between you or her.
You can have intimacy anytime. She is not there.
She is more important.

My advice is that 1) you are not this child's mother, and 2) maybe SHE would like a little time with her daddy, whom she only she's twice a month. Can't you sacrifice an hour or two every other weekend? This isn't even your husband.

You can lay all the boundaries with kids you like... all they mean is that she'll be LISTENING to the two of you have sex.

Most kids have that radar.

Also:
- Mom needs to pee radar
- Anyone is going to take a bath radar
- Important phonecall = physical tragedy (blood, tears, etc.)
- Anyone has a headache = the perfect time to play drums (before you even reach for the ibuprofen)
- Fevers/ vomitting/ etc always start 10 minutes after the pediatricians office closes
- etc.

It's just life with kids. They have exquisite timing on things they could have no idea about. You only have her every other week... so you get time WITHOUT needing to put her needs first, and without having to deal with kid-timing. If you had her all the time, this would just be daily life. It's not that parents don't WANT to do all the things childless people do (whatever they want, whenever they want), it's just life with kids.

And if your boyfriend is putting her first be GLAD of that. Kids should always "win" over boyfriends and girlfirends. If not, then you know if you have kids, he'll dump them for whatever girlfriend he has next.

It's not about you, it's about a little girl who only gets to "live" with her Dad every other week. She misses him and wants to be close. Of course she has an "intimacy radar" she's a little kid, right?

if she is only there every other week, she most likely misses her daddy and wants to spend as much time with him as she can. Have your intimate times at night when she goes to bed when she is there and let her have her dad in the morning. My kids also wake us up in the morning but we know not to be intimate in the morning because we will have little eyes peeking through the door. I love morning snuggles with my kids. If your boyfriend doesn't have a problem with it, then that's a good thing. You aren't even his wife, so his daughter should be fist in his eyes. It's only every other week, you should be able to be ok with that.

This is also a difficult time for his daughter. Can you imagine being 5 and living in 2 separate households? You don't say how long this has been happening but it sounds like it's relatively new.

I urge you to focus on the child's needs. You can be flexible and work out other ways to be close to your boyfriend. There is no substitute for cuddling up with Daddy in the morning when she feels anxious and lonely.

As a mother and now a grandmother whose grandchildren stay over every week, there is no sleeping in for parents until a child is older. That is just the way it is. You cannot change that, especially when the child is going thru the back and forth that your boyfriend's daughter is going thru.

I think you should spend some time really thinking if you want to be in this relationship. You don't indicate how long you have been involved with this man or the nature of your relationship - so it's hard to tell how much you have at stake. But whatever you have at stake now is NOTHING like what will be at stake if you stay in this relationship with the wrong mindset.

At 5, this will be a relationship with your bf AND his daughter. FOREVER. Figure out if YOU have the desire to understand and be there and sacrifice for a child. At 5, you will have a parental-influence role. It's not like she's a teenager and almost ready to leave for college. You will have her every other weekend (minimum) for the next 13 years.

Can you handle no sex every other weekend for 13 years?

In fact, if he ONLY sees her every other weekend, but wants to see her MORE (most standard custody includes dinner once a week as well. or.... why does he not have 50/50 custody?) you need to be 10000000% behind that.

Having a step-mom-ish-role is MUCH harder than being a bio-mom in many regards. It's all work, but with less of the glory. You may not get a mother's day card, but you'll stay up all night comforting her as she vomits or runs a fever or is scared. You need to be prepared to be asked to leave family functions because of whatever reason and take the high road, because you know it will be better for your bf daughter. You need to be prepared to put her needs FIRST.

Being irritated because you can't have sex on Saturday morning every other weekend is the LEAST of your worries if you want to stay in the relationship and not have it explode in your face at some point.

If not, you need to end the relationship. It will be better in the long run for everyone... including you.

I agree with Bug.

When he is committed to you, you will know it because he will indicate it with a ring when he says, "I do".

In the mean time, the daughter has, and should have, priority over the gf when it comes to cuddle time in the morning. That also means getting dressed again after intimacy so she doesn't see you nude in bed with her dad when she crawls into bed in the morning.

Good luck to you and yours.

Since you have every other week all to yourselves. I think during the weeks she's with you, you can sacrifice your favorite time for "intimacy" and just decide you can have your alone time after she falls asleep during those weeks.

Some people have said not to make your boyfriend chose between you and his daughter as she'll win. I'm more afraid he won't be a good father and he'll side with you and keep her out somehow. She's 5. It's incredibly sad to me that she would be kept from her daddy weekend mornings when she wakes up bc of his girlfriend. If he chose that, he doesn't strike me as a keeper. If you don't have kids yourself, maybe you can't understand that this is normal and especially important for her since she doesnt' live with her father the rest of the 2 weeks. You guys have plenty of time for intimacy when she's not there or is sleeping at night which is the vast majority of the time. Please be kind to this little girl. If I were you, I'd excuse myself and go to another room to sleep more and give them some family time alone which she likely really needs. Perhaps don't sleep over those weekends at all or at least one of the nights...

I don't think I've ever written anything negative on this site before ..... So forgive me..... But my word, shame on you! You are competing with this poor child when you should be bending over backwards to support her. You are doing wrong by her and by your boyfriend. This breaks my heart. She doesn't stand a chance of growing up normal with you on the scene trying to worm your way between her and her father. Do everyone a favor and commit to this relationship .... That means boyfriend AND his daughter..... If you can't get over your feelings of jealousy, than move on.

That's just life with little kids. I am insanely jealous that you get every other weekend to yourselves.

Wife or girlfriend children are looking for their parents. She is bored and wants someone to talk to. So she knows if there is not any noise in the living room or kitchen she is smart enough to know where you both are.

I had a son from a prior marriage and he came into our room when he was younger (14 now), our other two children 4 and 5 always come into our room. There is no sleeping in for us, unless it is done seperate. Hubby goes into the kitchen starts breakfast. Then none of the children come into the room. Well execpt my daughter, I think she is ready for some girl time with a house full of boys. LOL

I didn't have to share my kids with a step-parent. The thought of the my kiddos cuddling in bed with the new-wife (gf) kind of makes me feel uncomfortable. That is just me though, remember I didn't not have share my kids.

Bottom line is sorry girl it happens. She will grow out of it, so hang in there until that happens. Kiddos are only young once, and this will too will stop. Don't make it a big deal, just hang tough. Dad and daughter will love you later for not making it a big deal. :)

I have a house with 5 bedrooms, 5... yep. I have 3 kids. I do NOT sleep in my own bed, I generally sleep on the couch or in my daughters Tinkerbell bed, with my daughter. My husband gets the rest of hte kids in our California King. The wonderful bed with the theraputic mattress that cost an arm and a leg. humpf. Its part of mommy hood and parenting, if you dont like it, tell him. I think your cold for feeling this way, but everyone has there limits and issues. Be intimate at a different time. SIMPLE.

All my kids start out in their rooms, they stay there for the majority of the night but at some point they all converge on our room, its just nature. I dont stop them, I dont go military on them like a few down below. Neither does my husband, if we want hanky panky, we do it somewhere else or lock the door with the monitor on. For us that kind of "wrestling" doesnt extend to more than 20 minutes.

Get a digital clock for her bedroom and tell her that she is welcome to come join you after 6:00 a.m. (or whatever time you and your BF agree on). Also, close your bedroom door and teach her to knock before entering.

Aside from that, look forward to that child snuggling with the two of you. Another few years and she might not give either of you the time of day. Enjoy it while you've got it.

Being a mom of 3 and expecting another we always have kids in our beds. My 1 year old sleeps with my husband and I. My 4 year old sometimes gets to sleep with daddy while my 6 year old gets mommy every once in a while. Its our way of rewarding the kids. Before bed times we are all in my bed. The kids do sleep in there rooms and understand that most the time mommy and daddy need to sleep in the same bed but if they are good then we will reward them sometimes and then switch. We just schedule our intimate times around our kids and it all works out. Especially since you do not have her full time let you embrace this time with her daddy. If you were a mom you would understand that kids are always going to make intimate times a challenge. good luck!

KIDS have their own rooms and beds for a reason. She needs to understand THAT. I know this isn't rational thinking compared to the majority of the answers, but JEEZ.
I get that she wants to spend time with Daddy, but that time isn't in his bed with whomever he decides to share his bed with.
This boils down to the 'kids in your bed or not' child rearing. And at this house, it's no bueno!

I think some people are reading this as your step daughter lives with you four days a month and therefore the poor thing needs every minute of Daddy time she can get. I'm reading it as she lives with you half the time. Which is correct? These are very different scenarios. If she is with you half the time you should set rules that you both feel are appropriate. She will be fine. We enjoy our morning cuddles with our youngest but have set a rule about what time he can come in. and he sleeps in his own room until 7:00.
I think people are being very critical of you because they think you only have her four days a month.

You can't expect her to have shades of gray at her age, like, "she could come in sometimes, but not all the time."

She needs set rules like, After a certain time, or on certain days, or no sleeping with parents. I personally don't think it would be the end of the world to have her NOT sleeping and cuddling with you guys in bed. You lovebirds could come bounding out of the locked door at ___am and join her for a cuddle on the couch and start a fun day. The bed bonding isn't necessary. I hate to sound old fashioned or prude, but if my ex and his "girlfriend" were cuddling in bed with my kids I would not like it. He can get the hell up and start the day if the kids are up. Sounds bitter...just being honest. Likewise, I wouldn't have my kids in bed with myself and a boyfriend. I think the relationship needs work, and you should start with asserting yourself on this: Child out of the bed.

Ok, my so who was a co sleeper and is a HUGE cuddler, same age likes to do the same thing. Here is what we did and maybe it will help you.
1. He must fall asleep IN his bed and stay in his bed ALL night (until the sun comes up) or no am cuddle time.
2. He CAN play on the 3DS or watch Netflix on it if he wakes before the sun comes up.
If you want to be intimate in the am then you need to do it before sun up, set an alarm on a cell phone for an optional am wake up call. You can also leave this activity to when she is not with you and simply enjoy your cuddle fest when you get it. Our activities are limited to shortly after our son falls asleep and when grandma takes him for the night - on that front you are fortunate to have two weeks avail to your sex lives.

first of all, you and your boyfriend need to be in agreement concerning what you want. come to a consensus about your expectations for her. then it will be HIS job to enforce it.

he needs to understand as well that if you allow this to happen once, it will become a pattern. it needs to stop cold turkey (again, if that's what you both want).

she is old enough to do something else for an hour and then come wake you up. my daughter is not yet five and she will get up, get a banana, and play for a while, then read the clock and come get me at 7 am. you coulsd also soften the blow for her by getting up, putting on an appropriate cartoon for her, and telling her "do not disturb us until it is over." food is also helpful when they wake up. have some snacks she can help herself to.

good luck!

What would you do if the child was your birth child?

if you posted this a "my daughter" comes in my husband and my bedroom everymorning without knocking. she wakes us up early and has interupted some private times...... I wonder if you would get different answers.
Bio child or not... you are entitled to boundaries. BUT as another poster pointed out you can not expect her to get ok some days.... not others. It is too gray. You and BF need to get on same page and set some limits. I like the idea of setting a time... ok after 7 you can come in. And close the door and make sure she knocks... then waits. I walked in on my dad and step mom at 16 and am still scarred... but that is another post....

We co-sleep so that tells you where I am coming from...but the important thing is that each couple has to agree on the same boundaries. Is it possible to persuade her that you two want to sleep in on weekends, and she can watch TV for an hour or two before she wakes you guys up? So "when Cartoon x is over, you come wake us"?

I'm going to add -- I was in that position years ago when I was in my 20's with a man that had a small child. I think the fact that she doesn't live with you full time gives you lots of time to be intimate when she's not there. I grew to love that child and it was when he and I broke up, it was wrenching because of her. Open your heart. If you're not ready for this, that's OK. But it sounds like there's a little girl moving from home to home, a little insecure, and she could use some extra patience.

I saw this post yesterday and was going to comment but thought I'd wait for the so what happened update since it seems a lot was left out (your intentions in the relationship, the length you've been together, your role in her life...) I think a lot of people assumed you were a new gf or were competing. Also a lot of people on here are very opinionated on dating and living together before marriage with kids. I agree that it does make your role more clear if you know you're in it for marriage and express to your bf and his daughter that you are going to be in her life for good. Then your actions wont be judged J. as a gf but as another "mom" of his daughter. I think from your update it seems you have to J. sit down and both agree on what you want in your household and treat her as if shes your own. I know plent of people who make rules about playing first thing before going to their parents bedrooms.
I do believe it is a serious decision to decid eyou want to be in her life forever and marry (i don't think marriage is key, but the intention to staying in eachothers lives is-some people never get married and make that decision) and if you're not sure now then its probably not good to live with her then eventually leave. However if he is the one for you and she is too then I say J. make the boundries your both comfortabkle with.
From the bio's parents prespective I would say tread lightly when discussing issues and make your love for his daughter clear. I have a bf and a daughter, who is not his, who is 5 ,and I can say that when his love for her is clear I get less protective and listen more to his thoughts. I want him to have an equal say in raising her. I want her to know what a healthy household looks like. The only times it turns into an argument or M. being hurt is when I cant see that he would do the same for his own child (if he had one) IDK if that makes sense if you ever need to talk to someone on the other side (the bio parent in a relationship) feel free to pm M.=)

It sounds like you and your boyfriend need to talk. You need to agree whether this is ok. If it isn't with you and it is with him then you may need to think about whether you can effectively parent this child or any other child that may come along together. I think the point about you being married or not is baloney. Whether you are her bio mom or not, marriage makes absolutely no difference to the parenting of a child. You need to define your role with her Dad and then share that with his daughter and her Mom. Parenting is not something you can do half way, and I'm not criticizing you for this, I think your boyfriend needs to agree that you get equal say where she's concerned otherwise she will never respect you and you will end up a second class citizen in your own home. I'm sure you're very aware that this is not going to get easier as she gets older so put your foot down now. You'll all be happier for it. I wish you all the best.

hmmm....all that you have written sounds very much of "me". "i" this and "i" that...i wonder what your bf thinks of all of this? without his support, you asking for our advice on boundaries will be moot. i happen to agree that the child should not come into "mom" and dad's room uninvited. they should knock if they need you for something (which i have no problem inviting them in when they do...i never turn my son away, although i may tell him, "one minute please!")

i think that she does need to be in her own bed. getting her there, however, will take both of you. and i would work on keeping her in bed in the evenings, middle of the nights, AND mornings. my son plays in his room on the weekends, if we aren't up yet - and he's 5. a clock is also a good idea, even an alarm clock that you can set for when she is allowed to come out and wake you guys up.

honestly, your bf may want to just love on her constantly if he's not a full time dad, but the boundaries still need to be there.

Wow, some of your responses were positively brutal!! I am clearly one of the few who actually read your entire post & SWH before responding & I'm with Jim on this one. You & your bf definitely need to be on the same page on this one about whether or not sharing a bed with his daughter is cool or not. In our house, it's not & it never has been, but it's a personal decision for everyone. End of story.

my advice would be to RUN!! i know it sounds brutal, but trust me, i wish to god someone had told me that 6 years ago when i got involved w/divorced man w/2 daughters. he doesn't have custody, but that doesn't matter. divorced man with kid -- there is a very good reason he is divorced. and if u stick around, u will find out what that reason is. if yr lucky, u find out before it's too late. in my case it was too late. married him and had a kid w/him. it's too late for me, but it's not too late for u! save yourself! u can do better!

I know you've gotten a ton of responses and I didn't read them. I just want to say I'm a mom and a step mom. My kids don't come in our room at all. When my kids were about 3, they would come in around 3am and sleep on the floor on my side of the bed. I didn't make it comfy for them and they didn't wake us. And eventually they stayed in their own bed. Although its hard for her having 2 homes, she doesn't need to "feel loved" by being in bed with the 2 of you. She is old enough that if she gets up early enough, she can put on cartoons and have a glass of milk and a yogurt until you guys get up and join her. She doesn't need to be catered too. I understand a lot of moms are all for the co-sleeping but then those same moms are asking advice on how to get the kids to sleep in their own room. My kid from day one have slept in their own cribs/beds in their own rooms. So I think you just need to tell her she's getting older and she doesn't need to come in your room. You guys can impliment a "family movie night" maybe where she can come in your room (if you have a tv in there) and you can all snuggle and watch the movie in your bed. But honestly, I would not allow it everyday. I hope you find some good advice and something that works for you. Good luck!

Updated

I know you've gotten a ton of responses and I didn't read them. I just want to say I'm a mom and a step mom. My kids don't come in our room at all. When my kids were about 3, they would come in around 3am and sleep on the floor on my side of the bed. I didn't make it comfy for them and they didn't wake us. And eventually they stayed in their own bed. Although its hard for her having 2 homes, she doesn't need to "feel loved" by being in bed with the 2 of you. She is old enough that if she gets up early enough, she can put on cartoons and have a glass of milk and a yogurt until you guys get up and join her. She doesn't need to be catered too. I understand a lot of moms are all for the co-sleeping but then those same moms are asking advice on how to get the kids to sleep in their own room. My kid from day one have slept in their own cribs/beds in their own rooms. So I think you just need to tell her she's getting older and she doesn't need to come in your room. You guys can impliment a "family movie night" maybe where she can come in your room (if you have a tv in there) and you can all snuggle and watch the movie in your bed. But honestly, I would not allow it everyday. I hope you find some good advice and something that works for you. Good luck!

I completely understand how this makes you feel. I have found myself in a similar situation and I couldnt agree with you more that being a "step mom" is one of the most difficult things I have ever encountered. My boyfriends daughter is now 6 and although she rarely does it anymore, there was a time when she wanted to sleep with us or would come and lay with us early in the morning. I found it to become annoying, being that we have a queen size bed and there just isnt enough room for 3 people. It helps that my boyfriend is very clear with her that she has her own bed for a reason. So I would suggest maybe starting there. In the mean time, I would suggest finding another time for intimacy. There is also probably a jealousy issue between the two of you that you will need to figure out if you can get over. I'm still working on it! Goodluck!