I'm under the impression I should wait for this step until I am with someone who I'm planning on marrying. I don't plan on doing this any time soon BTW I'm just asking when you did. I have a door that leads to outside from my bedroom so in the future when I'm ready I guess there s a possibility of "sneaky sleep overs" but I'm not sure I want that. I've been with my bf for 10 months and plan to conitinue to as long as things continue the way they are, we've talked about eventaully moving in together but not soon for my daughters sake, b/c as we know life has no guarantees. So I guess my question is, when did you start sleep overs, did they sleep in the same room with you or a diferent one (i ask b/c I've thought about doing this once when he stayed way to late helping putting together furniture and I felt bad asking him to leave so late, although I did) and did you explain why they were sleeping over to your child. My 5 year old daughter asked me the other day why my one friend who visits sometimes doesnt sleep over and eat breakfast with us. She thinks hes just a friend and doesnt know why he HAS to leave at the end of the night on the occasions he does come when shes awake. I just said maybe one day but in the mean time I love out breakfast and time time together in the morning. Also when did you start showing signs of affection in front of eachother?
I spoke to a child therapist about this and he pretty much thinks I'm making a bigger deal out of it then it needs to be, he said if it is a serious relationship you plan on staying with then its ok to do both and to start very slow....because yes things could end but such is life and I just have to give her the tools to cope. Also I think his answer would be diferent if it ended and then there was another guy, I think then he'd say be VERY cauteous, but he knows I am not one to date around.
Sue I agree thats why I was leaning aganst sneaking, and by sneaking I meant hed stay until she was in bed so she wouldn't be suprised he'd stay if she needed me in the ight, i'd just try and not let her know he was there if she didn't need me
Denise I agree with you. I don't speak with him all the time, hes my ex;ss therapist but specializes in kids so if I think of doing anything that may affect her I have my ex ask him or I do first, but I tend to agree with you. I was thinking that it shouldn't happen until i'm planning on marrying or moving in together with the intentions of lasting forever
I think that you should J. be sneaky until you decide that the two of you will permanatly be together. Besides, sneaky sex has its fun benefits.
Well, since you speak with a child therapist all of the time and seem to like what he says.....
Personally, and since you asked, I think when you're married then he can sleep over. Call M. crazy.
When I dated after the girls were born (which was rare and far and few between), there was no need to have sleepovers, because I was sooo not having sex, LOL!! BUT, when I met my now husband, he and I both agreed that he wouldn't meet the girls unless we thought it was going somewhere.
We DID have sleep overs. I used to sneak him out AFTER the kids went to preK... he was late for work a lot ;)
One morning, he sat at the top of my stairs and whispered down 'R.! Are my socks down there?!'... my daughter Emmy, who LOVES people, pricked her ears up and said 'person?!' and ran to the bottom of the stairs and shouted up, 'well hello there! Good morning! C'mon down, mommy makes breakfast!'... my poor (now) husband had the 'deer in headlights' look, but I laughed and shrugged my shoulders. He came down, got tackled by my girls, and about a month later, we moved in together... the rest is history :)
Personally, I think it's important to live with someone and your kids before making the decision to marry, ESPECIALLY if they don't have kids of their own. They need to know exactly what they're getting themselves into, and your kids need to make sure they're okay with this person.
Take it slow, listen to your mommy gut, and follow your heart... you'll do the right thing :)
ETA: Not sure why everyone is pushing until after marriage, THAT would be a shock to the kids brains!! Even if you do get married, who's to say you won't get divorced? Then what? You're J. never supposed to let the kids know you sleep together? Even if you're together for 6 years... you're never supposed to sleep over?! Ever?! I think it's more fair and less traumatic to all parties to live together and see how it goes... what if the kids hate this guy, and you waited until you married him to find out?! What a mess that would be!
Follow your heart, you won't do your kids wrong :)
When you're married.
IMHO - he can sleep over in your bed after the wedding. In the meantime if he stays too late helping you put furniture together he can sleep on the couch. Whatever your kid see you do - your kiddo will consider is on her "approved list" X 10. So if you and your BF are sleeping together after dating two years, your child as a teen will think it's no big deal and won't understand the serious consequences and intensity of that kind of intimacy. I see so many teens who, based on mom or dad's unspoken "approval" (e.g. example) have begun sexual activity at 13 or so. It would make your hair stand on edge. Of course there are kids who won't - but more will. Be overly conservative with kids. Kids learn more by what's caught than taught. They watch everything and learn by example so you have to keep youru example pristine.
don't think for a minute that your child won't pick up on "something" if you have middle of the night intimate encounters while she's sleeping down the hall - kids wake up for noises that are different than the norm. They don't understand it, they won't instantly recognize it - but they will know that something is going on - and the lack of transparency will trouble them.
Wait until she's sleeping over her grandma or aunt's house to have your BF overnight rendevous. However I don't think sleeping on the couch is a big deal as long as your daughter won't be intimidated by a man on the couch in the morning.
I have to say the child therapist you spoke with seems out of the mainstream of those that I've heard speak or write about it.
good luck this parenting stuff is J. not easy!
I think you should begin the sleep overs when you know he is genuinely committed to you and your kids and not before.
Like someone else said, your children will see what you do as the proper thing to do. If you tell them that you and he are sleeping together because you love each other very much and are committed to each other. Your kids will interpret that in their own experiences. When your kids meet someone they love very much and are committed to they will feel justified in sleeping with them . . . at age 13 or 14 or 15.
How can you tell when he is truley committed to you and your family? When you and he are standing side by side in front of a preacher and he J. said, "I do." Then you know he is truely committed. Then you can allow him to sleep over.
Good luck to you and yours.
I guess it all depends on the example you want to set for your daughter. If you think you're going to be fine with her having "sleepovers" with men she isn't married to, then go for it.
To M. the answer is when you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him. That doesn't mean marriage, engagement, because even those things do not guarantee you will be with them the rest of your life.
There are not guarantees but so long is there is no glaring issue hanging over you that cast doubts about the viability of the relationship you are fine. What I mean is don't have sleep overs because you think it will strengthen the relationship it should already be strong on its own. I always hate the people that know the relationship is doomed but this step will fix it all, not that I see that in your relationship mind you.
Other than that there is a heck of a lot more stability in knowing what is going on rather than sneaking around behind your child's back.
Let M. put it in terms of my life. Troy moved in with us after we had only dated a month and a half, we are now married. The kids were excited to see him in the morning, they loved him. That is stability knowing what will come next.
My ex who was horrorstruck by my decision let his "friend" sleep over and our younger son found out about it in a most unpleasant way. That was a month ago, he still thinks he may throw up! They don't want to be around their dad right now.
Take that for what you think it is worth but know kids aren't stupid they J. don't always tell you what they are thinking.
I agree with your therapist and everything in your last paragraph.
I would at least make sure she knows him well so there will not be any fear should she find him in the morning, and be prepared with answers to her questions.
My short answer would be - when you're married.
At least wait till you're engaged. Affection is fine, but if you want to model the behaviour you want HER to exhibit - i.e. pre-marital sex, etc. that's what you have to do.
My response was "when you get married" which surprises M., because I'm not usually judgmental or even particularly conservative about sex. But (and this is J. IMHO, since you asked, and I don't expect anyone, including you to feel the same way, so no judgement), it is different when you have kids. Not that you can't have sex with this guy, of course, but I would be extremely uncomfortable having his around my 5 year old, until you are sure (as sure as anyone can be) that this is a forever thing. I may, also, be overthinking it, but I would be worried about her forming attachments to someone who may not stay around.
Again, JMHO.
I would not sneak. No matter the age of your daughter, she might suddenly need you in the middle of the night and you wouldn't want to then have to explain things.
I have not had a man sleep over when my daughter is with M. (she's with her dad 1/2 the time) since I was divorced almost five years ago. I've been in a casual dating relationship for over three years now. My daughter has briefly met him three times. If I felt that a relationship was going to lead to living together/marriage, I would consider moving to the sleepover stage before that commitment happened. I'm J. not considering remarriage any time soon.
I think the main thing is for your child(ren) to know the person, be comfortable around him and gradually include him more in your day-to-day life. It should feel like a natural time for that to extend to breakfast.
I didn't read many of the responses but I am on the conservative side since having kids. What used to be normal is no longer normal. I would not let a boyfriend sleep over to have sex. I would not have sex until we are married. So it really wouldn't be an issue. Being a single Mom, who has never been married, i didn't always feel this way. Having kids in the house changed everything for M.. I would definitely advise waiting until you sure you will be marrying him. Personally i wouldn't before marriage but I don't see why you couldn't if you are engaged. If you are going to move in together, the same applies, but I would not move in together unless there is a commitment of planning on being together for life. I don't think you NEED to be married to have that commitment, but I do think there needs to be that commitment. So basically what i am saying is when the two of you decide you will be together forever, whether that is through marriage or not, then it is okay. Sex is a very emotional thing both for you and for your children who know about it. It is very intimate and the message is that it is for family(husband/wife or life partners). and the that is the message I want to send to my kids. I don't want them thinking it is okay to sleep with boyfriends/girlfriends before they make a commitment. It is too hurtful. JMO.
Hi, Jen:
It sounds like it is something to do rather than a commitment to
love each other and meet the needs of each other.
I am not hearing about responsibilities such as household and financial.
I am not hearing about falling in love, affection, and caring.
It sounds like you are not ready for living together.
J. a thought.
D.
I think if you had him stay over, on the couch or in another room, it would be ok...especially one occasions where he's already stayed very late because it isn't safe to have people drive when they are tired. As for an explanation I would say "He's J. visiting with us"...make it short, sweet, and honest. Depending on why you plan to teach your child (regarding if it is ok to live together before marriage or not) will determine if it is ok to have sleepovers in the same bedroom.
I let my boyfriends sleep over when I was ready for sex. I have always been open with my daughter about the fact that I had a sex life. She doesn't seem to have been traumatized by it.
