New Stepmom

I was a stepmom and my best advice is give it time and be patient. You don't say how long you have all been together as a family but I know for my step daughters they were very dependent on their dad and wanted to be around him every second especially the older one. I think that comes from having lost what she had with her parents being together and having a different situation. I did get better in time but it does take time and patience. You can help guide her without being forceful. Its tough really tough but worth it. The important thing to remember is that she is the child and thats her daddy. If she spent much time with her parents being together its a security issue for her. The jealousy does get better. Just be prepared for the times that she will be there.

I hope that helps

The walking behind, her sitting next to him, I totally understand as we went through the same thing. I have a now 11 year old daughter (she was almost 9 when we got together) that still tries to pull those things at times, but not so much that it bothers me anymore. How long have you guys been together? She may still be trying to find her place if it's still a brand new thing... if not, I would say she's seeing how far she can take it... how much will daddy still give me? A big thing for us used to be eating together... whenever we went out, it was "I'm sitting next to dad", I don't think so! I flat put my foot down one night at a restaurant and said "I'm his wife and that is my place only, sorry." and from that day on, it hasn't been an issue, she knows. However, I give in at home... because of the size of our table, etc. I prefer to sit across from him, therefore his three kids get the chance to sit next to him.
As for the holding hands while I walked behind... it only took a few times of me not being behind him when he turned around to say something, for him to get the hint! A few times he got mad "why did you take off?"... "well, it looked like you knew where you were going and what you were doing, and I'm a big girl, I didn't think I needed to FOLLOW you." There were also times that I would hold my husbands hand and tell her she could hold mine if she would like... she seldomly took me up on this!

I'm responding as a step daughter since I'm not a step mom. I was the same age when my Dad remarried, and I was talking with my stepmom(we are very close now) and I was the same way. It wasn't that I wasn't able to dress myself or make myself a simple breakfast, is was that I wanted to make sure that I was still Daddy's girl and that these new family members were not more important than me. My stepmom allowed me to be needy, but integrated herself into it. Helped me pick out clothes with Dad in tow, and sat on the otherside of Dad when watching t.v., and grabbed his other hand when we went out somewhere walking. It made it so it wasn't a power struggle, but rather a co-dominance. It worked out since now I am as close to her as I am my own mother. I hope things work out well for you.
D.

Hi C.,

I am a new stepMom also since June 2006 and my husband and my SD(12 y.o) are also very close. I also feel a bit jealous sometimes when my hubby cuddles her or let her sit on his lap for a few seconds while watching TV but i tried my best to cut that feeling of jealousy away because I know it's not productive. In my mind, I tell myself the love he has for his daughter is different from the love he has for me. And besides, when it's time for us to sleep, he would cuddle only me. hehehe

I also have a very close friend who has stepchildren and she shared with me that she had a hard time dealing with the situation when her husband spends time with his children as she is a possessive type of woman saying: she wanted her husband for herself alone". But she asked God to help her go through with it, process it, grow more mature with it and now it does not bother her anymore.

What I am trying to say is, yes - it's human nature to feel what you feel, it's understandable but try to control it or deal with it positively so that it will not cause strain on your relationship with your husband.

Personally, I try to get closer with my stepdaughter as she likes me very much. She talks to me everyday and shares all her thoughts on me esp, about crushes with boys as she can't talk about it freely with her Dad. I told her I love her like my own daughter so she trusts me. At first, it was my husband who appeared jealous of his daughter's time which is spent more talking with me as I'm not working yet. When I sense that, I tried to gradually kept a little distance from her (not very obviously that she would wonder what happened, why I changed) but only so that her Dad would not feel insecure that I have stolen her daughter's heart away from him.

But when her Dad is not watching, or not at home - I build my relationship with her again by listening to her chitchat no matter how irrelevant they are or sometimes she talks nonsense. She's just a kid anyway and she amazed me sometimes and takes away my boredom by making me laugh with her silly comments.

I just wanted to be the best stepMother in the world as i never want to be called a wicked stepMom (remember the FiryTales? :). I guess, it's one of my ambition in life to be a good stepmom when I am given the opportunity. And here it is...

My husband claims that he is a good disciplinarian also and he grounds her for her mistakes or negligence but at the same time, he also spoils her a lot with good and expensive things that she could think about (IPOD, CELLPHONE, etc.)But I don't dwell on it and I focus my mind on other bigger problems and challenges that I face with my marriage.

I am not sure if my sharing with you my own story helps to give you a different perspective. I hope it does...

Happy new Year to you!!!

C.,
I myself have 2 step-kids and 4 kids of my own. I will tell you like my Pastor told my husband and I. You get to spend the rest of your life with your husband not the kids. They will grow up and move away from home and than it will just be the two of you. You need to talk to your husband because if you don't than your jealousy will turn to resentment towards your husband. I treat my step kids like their my blood kids for the simple fact that if I don't than I will end up playing favorites and I don't want to do that. You both have to be on the same page when it comes to things and you have to be able to enforce the rules and not just leave it up to him. I was always told that my children come first but I have learned that your husband comes before the kids and also for him you must come first. The reason for that is like I said you both will spend the rest of your lifes together. I had a hard time with that when our Pastor told us this because I really didn't feel that was right but as I read my bible and prayer more I began to understand it more. My husband and I called a family meeting and explained to the kids that we loved them but that there was things that needed to be said and done etc. My step-kids are great with me now my kids on the other hand are having trouble with dealing with my husband. When they disrespect or back talk etc to my husband I stand up and tell them not to talk that way about or towards my husband. It's a long and rough road but it's getting better.
Your step-daughter sounds like she maybe feeling like she is losing her daddy or that he may love his new daughter and you more. These feelings are normal as well and what daddy needs to do is talk with her and let her know that his love for her and everyone is unconditional and you may want to have a talk with her also. Things will get better this I promise but it will take time.

Hi C.. I too am a fairly new stepmom. My husband and I got married a month ago but I've been in the girls (8 and 6) lives for over 3 years. I think what you're feeling is completely normal. My husband used to cater to his daughters like that too. We've had a few blow ups over it. The oldest actually knew what she was doing because her mother was coaching her. She would squeeze in between us if we were sitting together or if we were talking she would purposely interupt us. I don't remember how we found out about the ex interferring but because of her ways, we ended up having a very upset little girl with a ton of issues and now she is seeing a therapist.

As for the youngest, my husband's catering ways had her not learning things on her own and very dependent of everyone else doing things for her. This has been slow to change because now she is "afraid" (I use that term loosely) of trying new things and not used to failure. We pretty much have to push her to "give something a try" or tell her to give it a shot first and then we'll help her.

Believe me, it does take time. But we're in this for the long haul so time is definitely on our side. Best of luck to you and yours. I'm sure you'll come out on top and it seems like your husband is at least listening and understanding that this isn't easy for you either.

C.,

I think those feelings are very, very normal and it is good you recognize them for what they are. It sounds like your husband is a kind, loving person. As far as him doing everything for his daughter, I think you'd be best served by keeping your mouth shut and leading by example. At 9 y.o., she's not going to want her dad to help her with anything for much longer. And the more she sees your daughter doing her own thing, the more she'll likely want to imitate that. If you make a big deal out of it, you could turn it into a power struggle and just prolong it. And since your husband isn't asking you to do it, it is probably better to just let it go.

I'm wondering why you have to walk 5 steps behind when you are out and she's holding her dad's hand. Can't you hold his other hand? Or even offer occasionally to hold her hand? She sounds like a pretty insecure little girl and there are a lot of changes going on for her. She probably just needs the reassurance that she hasn't been replaced in her dad's life. It all sounds really normal to me. Give it time. As for your feelings of jealousy, they may or may not go away. That is really going to depend on how you decide to look at the situation. But I would think as she (and you) get more comfortable with each other and the situation that everything will get easier. Change is hard for everyone. Good luck!

T.

I am a full time stepmom to two and part time to one. First of all please hold this in your mind: don't go by the book. An older friend of mine (also a stepmom) called the stepfamily the "normless norm"... meaning that we are all over the place; and no two are even remotely similar. I would suggest trying to redefine what works for your family, rather than try to adhere to what one author might say.

More to the point, however I'd say that your jealousy is very normal under the circumstances and how your husband is treating you is completely undeserved and inappropriate. One thing I have always appreciated my husband doing for me, was that he made sure that the kids knew that I wasn't first, but I was closest. You don't take away from the relationship your husband has with his daughter, but at the risk of being really rude, I must say that your relationship with your husband should come first. In doing this it will create a sense of stability for both girls; knowing that you two will be a constancy in their life as they near their teen years. I really must commend you on not trying to assert yourself. Honestly, you have the right to pull her hand away and say "I want to hold Daddy's hand" but that doesn't really solve anything; it might just aggrivate it further. Talk to him openly about how this situation makes you feel, because these feelings will NOT go away. Trust me, I know.

As far as your stepdaughter not doing things for herself it may be just her trying to get added attention from your husband. Yes, he should make her do these things herself; but it may be time he's not quite willing to give up either. I agree that you should set a good example and simply not cater to her when she asks you to, and I commend you for letting your husband raise his own daughter. Maybe if you openly praise your daughter for doing things on her own and subtly show your stepdaughter how doing things on your own earns your more privalage (ie: showing responsibilities with little things earns you responsabilities in big things)then she will naturally strive for it. Not in a vindictive way, but just as a natural consequence of her living with you and your daughter.

On a lighter side it is good to know that there are other stepmoms out there... we seem so few and far between!

I go through the same thing and my Stepdaughter is 9 and is very similar to yours and your situation about being dependent all the time, I get so frusturated when he would drop everything when she calls for Him but when our Son is crying he would just ignore him. My SD always needs to be next her Dad too when Watching TV and stuff, don't think that you are alone in this because you are not. I know this may be hard but I just get my Son and play with him myself and tend to him anytime he needs his Dad and let him know that Mommy will always be here, I understand that your Daughter together is older and you should just remind her that she is Loved and that although your SD may need her Dad all the time you will always be there for anything she needs. There would be times where my SD would come over and we have 6 TV's in our Home and should would always come down to where we are at and her Dad would change the Channel to what she wants to watch just because she is not with us often, I feel that she is old enough to Watch TV in her room or her Dad should go with her. Please keep in touch.

hi new stepmom.
congrats on being a stepmom. Its a difficult job but sounds like you are doing a good job. I am also a stepmom my stepdaughter is 15. It seems to me like you need to sit down with your husband and suggest that if your stepdaughter starts to do things like get her self dressed, this way she gets to pick what she wants to wear to school. and get her own breakfast he can tell her good job and if she can do it for a couple of weeks in a row then maybe he can treat her with maybe some candy or playtime at the local park on the weekend or something like that. Also see what her friends are doing and suggest to her that maybe she wants to do the same as her friends and be more independant. Then maybe you will be able to spend more time with your husband too. Don't worry about rocking the boat talk to them both, may be if the birth mother is around or you can talk to her, maybe she can help you. I would think that she would like an independant child too. Also what works in my house is they set a specific time and day of the week where they go out just the two of them and hang out together so they can talk without me around. sometimes step children don't like bringing things up when the step parent is around. hope this helps remember you are doing a great job keep up the good work.

Hello C.,
I am a stepmother to two boys that are 13 and 7 while my children are 4 girls that are 12(13 in january), 8,6 and 3. I went through these issues as well. My oldest stepson cannot do anything on his own mostly due to some sort of neglect on his mothers part. I sat my husband of 4 yrs down and laid it out for him in plain english. Told him that he needed to control his sons outburts(rude comments etc) and make his son be more independant. After tryin to come up with a million excuses for why is son is the way he is my husband finally took a step back and gained some control. I was a bit upset that he took his sons side more than mine at first but when i started to ignore him like he did me it dawned on him what happening.
As for the sibling rivalry, it happens and for the first 3 yrs of our marriage our two oldest kids hated each other until one day they realized that they can help each other in so many ways. let them bicker but set them both down and explain to them that each other has different tastes, etc. Give them time, it will work. Heck I even took on foster teenager with my six other children and things worked out. It will for you too, it just takes time.

Hello C.,

Im not a step-mom, but my husband is a step-dad to my two sons, who are teens and we have a 2 year old son together and a 11 month old daughter. I think the best way to "hopefully" change your step-daughters habits are to do it by showing good examples. When your daughter, dresses herself,fixes her meals or whatever other good thing she does, praise her out loud for all to hear and make sure you mention how wonderful you think she is for taking such grown-up steps to do things on her own. I think in time, the step-daughter will also want good praise for achieving these things as well.

As for the jealousy thing, I can completly understand how you feel. My two nieces are that way with their dad who is divorced from their mom. I think in a way, that the children as well as the father used eachother as a crutch in an awful situation and are now used to relying on eachother. There is nothing wrong with being close, but when you feel ousted every time, that IS NOT good. I would hold your husbands other hand if walking, or sit on his other side and let your step-daughter know that you are all a family and that their is room for everyone. I think above all, you need to constantly communicate your thoughts and feelings to your husband and hopefully things will start changing. Best of luck, D.

I think you need to start raising her. if she is that dependent on him the 2 of you as a couple are going to have problems when she gets older. If she wants breakfast teach her how to get it herself I mean commong my daughter is 3.5 and gets her own cereal in the morning. And the getting her dressed is nuts. My kids do it there selvs and they are 2+3.5 I know that there just babies but if you don't want them living at home till there 50 then this stuff has to be done and before age 6 becuse after 6 they are there own person and it's harder to teach an older kids new things. Now that holding hands and sitting next to daddy thing is not something to get jelous over. I'd be glad he's that close to her becuase that means if later you have kids together he's gonna be a great dad. don't change that. Just go do something else if it's bothering you. clean house or do some laundry while there watching TV. I know it feel like he's pushing you out but really if he lets you take over the "dependent" daughter will rebel and you'll end up with more problems and jelousy issue with her and she is still too young to know how to express her feelings in a constructive way like you can. I'm not saying let her run the home while with you guys but give them space. when he's visiting with her think of it as your break time from the relationship and visit with your daughter because i'm sure she feels a little left out of that. put the 2 girls in between you on the couch and bond with them seperatly but have them next to eachother and they'll form a bond with eachother. I know I'm not a step mom but my kid's dad has 2 kids from his ex and he'd get unexpected calls from him. it angerd me at first if he'd change plans to talk with them but then i realized he just wants to be close to his family and the closer the better because I want that for my kids with him when they want to talk to him, you know? Just think of it from the daughter's view. If daddy pushes her away for the new stepmom to take her place in his heart what is she gonna do? hate you rihgt? you dont want that but you also have to make it known to him it bother's you but your adult enough to handle it in your own way. I hpoe I've help a little bit.

I too am a step mom of 2.. but I have been with the dad since the 13 yr was 1.5 yrs and the 15 was 3 so they are use to me. But the girl when she was 3, she would always come between me and her dad saying "this is MY daddy" Unfortunately this is going to be a losing situtation UNLESS you get your hubby involved NOW. First tell him how you feel about him babying her, and let him know that it is ok to feel guilty for not being in her life 100% (most books say that fathers tend to feel guilty for not being there all the time- even if he is involved they have some feeling of failing to keep the family together--they need to get over it) Second do not DO NOT keep it bottled up, but don't unload on him either cause after the 3rd minute he will tune you out. Mention to him that you have some feelings about this situation and that you want to tell him. Give examples and don't forget why and how it makes you feel. If he says--no you don't feel that way (slap him- if it makes you feel better) and tell him not to dismiss your feelings and that you would appreciate his help on making this blended family work. It is his blended family too and you should not be doing all the work. It is hard. I think the new stepdaughter will soon see how independent your daughter is and may like that unless she is the vindictive type and wants to play daddy. feel free to email me directly if you want ____@____.com please put stepmom or something like that in the subject otherwise I may delete it...

I definitely agree with Anna H. Your step daughter is too young to deal with this situation as an adult. She will grow up disliking you if she feels you are being put before her in her father's eyes. Since you are an adult and can understand the situation better you have to take the adult role and help her as much as you can. The two of you will bond so much better if you let her know that her feelings are valid (which they are) and that you want to share dad and not take him away. What she is going through is not fun and I am sure she is hurting a lot. This happened to me. My dad let my step mom totally take over. I never got to sit next to him or spend time with just him. She would get upset all the time if he ever wanted to put us kids first for anything. She would even make plans for the two of them that did not include us when she knew it was his weekend with us. Of course my father is to blame too, but this caused many problems. Because my time with him was limited I felt like my dad started this new life without me and I was not important. Since I was only a kid I had no mature way to deal with this so it turned to much anger and resentment toward my step mom and my dad. Please be patient with your step daughter. Unfortunately this has to be done when you try to blend families.

Oh man can I relate to what you are goin through. I am a stepmom of a 21yr old and 17yr old. When I first met my husband they were 10yrs younger. I have been a stepmom for 10yrs now. It is very hard sometimes. I have dealt with those same issues. My husband and I have had some horrible fights because of these issues. Resentment will build up if you don't deal with it right away. It doesn't happen overnight though. It takes alot of work and patience. I would rather talk to you on the phone because I hate to type so much. If you want to talk about it call me k. My number is ###-###-####. I would be happy to tell you my story. If I don't hear from you then good luck with this. You can get through it. It will never completely go away but there are ways to deal with it and make it better.

I can honestly say after almost 10 years as a step-parent the jealous thing doesn't go away when your husband doesn't do anything about it or be involved. My Husband didn't and now I have 2 step-sons whom I love but they can't do anything for themselves at age 23 and 18. But, it also helps if the other parent is helpful which in my case regarding my husbands children I do not but with my kids and their father it is totally different .......he is involved with making parenting easier on everyone and we all get along great. I think a lot of it depends on people involved and how tragic the seperation or divorce really was. In tragic cases like my husbands I think it is something that just has to be endured because there is resentment from step children too. It sounds like you don't have worse case senero however so I am sure with you and yor husband working at it jealousy will subside and you will look back on this as a little bumpy start. It just takes a long time to get adjusted