New Years and Loss

T. for this I send you the strength of a million women. None of us should ever have to know this loss.

I wish I could come take it all away from you.

:(

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I hope you know that when it comes to mental illness and depression, and when that person so sick that those things consume their life in spite of all of the good and the help that you give them, that there's nothing more you could have done for her. You couldn't change the chemical imbalance in her brain.

You have to know that she knew you loved her and thought of her like a daughter and I'm certain that made her happy and feel good and that kept her tethered to life for as long as it did. Her suffering wasn't because of anything you did or didn't do, and I'm also sure she loved you and your family very much.

I know that the New Year seems and feels impossible. It's all right to grieve. Every single milestone in the first year or two is going to be difficult. Allow it to be. Maybe on her birthday you could have a memorial for her to honor her. Keep a journal and write it as if you're writing to her.

Hi, T.:
It is always difficlt to lose a child. Suicide deaths are really hard
to bear, especially during the holiday season.

Try to find a suicide grief support group meeting.
Check your local hospital for a referral or google.
Life is tough.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keeping
doing the best you can with God's help.
Good luck.
D.

There's a great organization called Ben Speaks, which was formed by a woman who lost her teenaged son to suicide a few years ago. She's also had a lot of loss (a sister to a brain disease, for example) and the struggles of her teen daughter (who found the son's body). She's doing a lot of positive work to help people through this. Losing a young person is even harder than losing someone older, and a lot of people really suffer with suicide because they wonder "Could I have done something to prevent it?" You might want to connect with an organization like this because it really speaks to people like you - in addition to the counseling, which is great that you are doing. Ben Speaks does a lot of work in schools to prevent more suicides - maybe that's something you could learn about that would give you hope.

My husband lost his brother to suicide, and another friend lost her son in the past year. It's a very painful thing that affects so many people in the dead person's circle, and milestones are hard (holidays, birthdays, anniversary of the death, the graduation the person would have participated in, and so on - any of the milestones other kids her age will reach and she will not). The pain doesn't go away in a month or a year. Don't let anyone tell you to "just get over it" or "she wasn't your child."

There is help available from those who have suffered the same or similar losses, and they are great adjuncts to your private counseling. Take advantage of everything, and it will give you hope and purpose as you move forward with your own children and your own life.

Just know that many of us know what you're feeling, but yet every experience is unique, okay? Embrace that, and embrace the changes that will come your way. You'll need help, but it can be done.

I am so sorry that my question sparked your sadness.

A loss like this is awful. We were so close to this with my daughter so many nights I slept in her bed to keep her safe from herself. Our culture has become so cold and hard - and teens are emotionally assaulted constantly.

This is what I know and am certain about - I know there's a God. I know He's compassionate. I know that His heart breaks for those who grieve. I know that He understood the desperation in the heart of your niece, He knew her heart and mind and soul. I also know that He's close to the brokenhearted and he stores our tears in a bottle. I am certain that He welcomed your niece in to His arms and with Him there are no more tears and no more sorrow. So while your niece was desperately sad while here on this planet, and her brain chemistry was so messed up that she couldn't get out of that dark hole, I know that she is not there now - but instead she's with her creator and sustainer - the lover of her soul. In the New Testament Paul writes that he was shown heaven and it was so indescribably beautiful that he couldn't find human words to come close to describe it.

Read Psalm 27 - written by King David, who most scholars believe also struggled with mental illness. God adores His children - and He doesn't care about their disabilities. He uses the weak of this world to bring others close to Him.

While you miss her intensely, she is in walking hand in hand with her creator and she feels the opposite of emptyness and pain. She is fulfilled and in great contentment, peace and complete joy. It is those left on earth who struggle in pain and loss.

7 years ago my best friend's brother was killed in a Navy accident. He was so young (late 20s) and his life had so much promise. Because they all still have such a hard time at holidays without him, they try to do something very different every year. The first year they went to Hawaii for Christmas. Other years they just get out of the house and do something different than the traditional stuff they had done together over the years. Judging from the fact that they are still doing this, 7 years later, I think that it is a method that is working for them.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Oh boy. Tough to be sure.
I have experienced more than a fair few devastating losses.
Senseless and hard to get ones head around.
I don't think you can ever get OVER a loss line that.
Reality just, over time, becomes the new "normal."
More like getting used to it, not over it.
I have always told my son that ad long as memories of someone we live live on in our heart, they're not completely gone.
Do remember your niece, and remember the things you loved about her, her talents, her abilities, her endearing ways. And don't be afraid to share those memories with others that loved her, too.
I think when the pain is so new, it's normal to kind if go on auto-pilot and just keep reminding yourself to breathe in, breathe out. Because when a loss is so tragic and so fresh...sometimes that's all we can do. And that's OK.
So sorry about your niece.

So sorry, T.. She was extremely fortunate to have you in her life.
You are left with a hole in your heart and life. You have some months left of acute grieving. And you never know when it's going to strike the worst.

Someday soon you will be able look and find that hole in your life has filled in a bit. Lean on others when you can. Call your brother, he needs your presence in his life. It will get better.

I'm so sorry about your loss, mom. There are no words that I can say to make you feel better. All that can help is a lot of time. Just know that there will come a day when you can think of her without crying.

I hope January goes by fast for you.

Hugs~
Dawn

I am so sorry! I can't even imagine the kind of pain you are feeling.

For me I have had the opposite, where a few years in a row the first few weeks of the new year were HORRIBLE. It made me fear the rest of the year!
As hard as things are, try thinking about how much you loved her and she loved you. She wouldnt want you weighing yourself down w/ such a heavy heart and saddness. Maybe you can eventually turn this tragedy into a way to help other teenagers who faced what she did. Seak out support groups, maybe form one of your own?
((((HUGS)))))

I know everyone says this, but it is true time will ease the pain. It never ever goes away but time does help you put a bit of scar tissue over it...at first it seems everything rips that wound open and you will cry at odd times and sometimes for no reason.

I know losing a parent is nothing compared to losing a child, but I will share with you what has helped me with the loss of my mom.

I lost my mom in January (nine years ago this coming January)...she had been ill, but it was a surprise as no one thought she was that sick.

I have always had a very tough time during the Chirstmas season up until and through New Years. I guess I know it marks another year coming up with out her.

Over time you can develop your own soothing rituals that mark the year and passing of time...and believe it or not they will begin to comfort you. I go out every year on the day of my mom's death to see her grave. I don't take flowers because she thought they were a waste, but I take my kids and we clean up the grave site. I tell them stories about her. She never got to meet them here on earth or her them. It is a family plot, so I also check on all the other family members markers....clean them off and trim the grass around them etc. It is a soothing routine as it makes me feel like a I am doing something to physically remember her.

Maybe for your niece you can help keep her memory alive by donating to a charity that helps kids with mental health issues. Or maybe even eventually a scholarship fund to a university in a subject matter that she loved...art, music, etc. (I received a yearly $500 scholarship from a family...and believe me that $500 really helped a struggling design student).

I am sending you a huge hug!! {{{{HUG}}}} I hope I helped and not made things worse for you!!

T., I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are doing all the right things and that time is just going to have to pass. 5 years ago a week before Christmas I lost my husband of 15 years. I was 36, and our daughter was turning one the day after Christmas. I also had an 8 year old son. I got therapy for my son and I went to grief counseling. It helped, but time is also a helper.

You're going through a really rough period. Go ahead and cry. If God didn't intend for us to cry, He wouldn't have made us with tear ducts.

There are times looked upon as important dates by most everybody - milestones, as it were. A new year is one of them. That's probably why this is affecting you so strongly right now. As you can see from the other answers, you're not alone. Many, many people have experienced what you're experiencing now.

You tried your best to be a mother to this girl. Because she did away with herself, that doesn't mean that her death is your fault, or that you failed her. I well imagine you did her more *good* than you'll ever realize while you're on this earth.

I'm very glad you're in counseling, because you have two little ones for whom you want to model courage and strength - at least, as much as you have right now. For the birthday, can you remember her somehow as a family? Let your children remember the good things about their cousin. You can tell them (in a way they can handle at their ages) how sad suicide is for everyone else, and encourage them to share their difficulties in life with Mama and Daddy rather than do anything drastic. Your family could renew once again their firm intent to be there for one another.

Praying for you.

Hang in there T., time will help.
When I was in my later 30's, I sought help from a psychologist and it was the best investment of my life. Interestingly, he was in his 50's and told me that at my age, I had suffered more losses than anyone he had ever treated. I was divorced raising my son from age 5 months, alone. The "love of my life" died at age 34, diagnosed with melanoma the week of Christmas and was gone in less than four months.
My father died of cancer when I was 16. I have lost relatives, friends, many, many patients, some were babies and children. To this day, as a nurse, I still deal with many cancer patients with terminal disease, meet many people who will pass through my life temporarily, as I go on in my job.
Now in my 60's, my mother will be 99 in a few days, and I see her gradually declining, my classmates are losing their parents, some of my classmates have also passed away.
I do read obits every day in paper and RARELY a day goes by that there is not someone with whom I had some sort of connection, whether a distant acquaintance or someone close or a relative of someone I know.
But you know what, tomorrow is another day, and I can look around and see so many so worse off, and I am thankful that these people somehow touched and enriched my life.
Three days ago, at the request of a dying patient, whom I had the privilege of being her nurse, I went to see, so she could thank me and say good bye, which was good for me and for her to have that closure.

I truly think that finding "closure" and forgiveness of the losses is very helpful and gratifying in keeping the depression at bay. Though very sad to give up those, it is easier to dwell on the good they brought, rather than the void left behind.
You are not alone!

Hugs to you. I cannot imagine. This past summer I lost three dear friends and my aunt. All in five weeks. My one bestie lived with me and my husband. Saw her they chemo and radiation. She had two years that were not supposed to be. Then we have another dear dear friend who lost her husband. ,our dear friend too. One was on one wing of the hospital the other in a other wing. Then my aunt ended up there too. I was her one and only and took care of her for years. Just after funerals, we thought we could get away, when another friend calls to tell us wife died suddenly. All these folks early sixties except for aunt. So this holiday season has been tough However in the middle,of all the sadness, my beautiful granddaughter was born. Bob pased on the 4th, Keira born on the 12th, Deb passed on the 16th. Our friend Rachel,on the 2nd, my aunt on the 4th. All I can say is stay strong and my heart goes out to you. 16 is too young. Try to hang on to the good times.

For that, all I can say is take it day by day and be good to yourself. Try planting a garden in her honor this Spring so you can visit it often and enjoy its beauty.

For every time you catch yourself down in sorrow over your loss, get up and do something positive and healthy in her honor. Even if it is pull the shades up and let the sun shine in.

I hope 2013 brings you and your family good health, peace in your hearts, and brighter smiles.

Best Wishes.

Go ahead and be depressed when you feel its onset. Its better to allow yourself to cry and mourn than to hold it inside.

Blessings to you.