Newborn Care - Differences Btwn Me and Mother in Law

Agree, agree, agree... then do it your own way. Example -

MIL: "You beat him when burping."
YOU: "Haha, he'll love to hear that story when his is older."

MIL: burping with pacifier
YOU:: walk over, kiss baby, and take pacifier "Uh-oh, Grandma forgot to take this out."

MIL: no burp
YOU: Take him after after she is done. "Thanks Mom" and beat his back :)
or YOU: "He's not cooperating today,is he? Would you like me to take him?"

You shouldn't have to compromise your approach to parenting, but not everything needs to be a battle either. Of course, draw your line at what you feel is dangerous. A friend's MIL used to leave the baby laying on the middle of a bed during naptime. NOT OK! But it doesn't sound like there is anything dangerous going on or that will impact your son's overall experience. Pick your battles, but be kind and take the approach of "Oh, I think you forgot, we do it this way...." Or "The pediatrician asked us to..." Let her love her grandson, and realize she is probably very excited about him and wants to talk about the kind of mom she was to your husband. She is not necessarily being critical, but trying to be involved and helpful. Engage your husband to back you up.

This made me laugh too! I think we have all been there! I was also a firm burper and my MIL was too delicate.
If she is doing it wrong, just sit back and watch. After he can't burp say, "Here, let me try." Then burp him your way. Maybe she'll see that the way you do it works.
If that doesn't work, just remember that the way she does things is not going to harm him. It is hard as a first time mother to give up control, but it gets easier.

OK--so she's gently burping him and sometimes leaves the pacifier in his mouth -- GASP! -- THE WITCH! LOL
Relax, she's raised at least O. kid and you probably could learn a few things from her. Let it go.
(You could have my MIL who never once, not O. time, gave our son a bottle, a bite of baby food OR burped him.)

this made me laugh because I remember learning how to burp my first born...I was trying to be all gentle as well...babies are not as fragile as we might think. I became a Pro at burping. I highly Doubt you are "beating" your child when you burp him = ) One of my little ones would fall asleep by being "pat" quite firmly on the back/fanny when being held. All babies are different, and ALL MIL's are opinionated = ) It may get worse it may get better, just politely assert that you are the momma = )

I have learned that unless your MIL is a primary care giver, don't correct her. It will only cause a strain on your relationship. Of course, if she's doing something that will cause direct harm to your child (like sleeping on the stomach), speak up. Otherwise, it's not worth it for little things that won't harm your child.

I would not correct her let her do it her way you do it your way both ways work.
Its nice that she is helping. She is going to do it different but different is not bad.
Also I noticed with myself, my sister along with other people we as moms with our first child are so over protective. Which is a good thing but might be intimidating to others.

Just remember that this is the woman who gave birth to your kids father,and who brought him up. She is a experienced woman. Let her do what she wants, listen to her when she gives you some advice, if it is good, take it and if you felt it not worth leave it. But don't let her get the idea that you are completely ignoring her. Cos, as you said its a delicate relationship. If your baby doesn't burp when she does it, then let her do it her way, then afterwards do it in your way. And try to bring a little bit of humor in between, if you don't want her to do something, just make it clear to her, but in a way that she also don't feel bad about what you said. Try telling her with a smile on your face that -"mom you have already experimented and experienced about bringing up a child, now please let me also experience and put my own experiments..so that i also can tell about my own experiments and experiences to my daughter in law in future..."...I am sure she'll understand. Just be sure that you don't hurt her feeling, after all she is your child's grand mother. And as you said this is the first grand child on both sides, she will be excited to be a grandmother for the first time as you are excited to be a mom for the first time.

R.E....I caution you to be very, very careful with criticism with your mother-in-law. She is enjoying being a first-time grandmother and HAS raised kids before. I am not discounting your "mother's instinct"....never, never NOT listen to that. But what I am telling you is this, you want her to be involved as much as reasonably possible. You are going to need her to watch your child from time to time. If you make critical comments to her, she will think to herself.."she thinks I can't do things right and yet, she asks me to watch the baby!" Just go with the flow on this one, sister!

Also, burping the baby with a pacifier in his mouth makes no difference. I have raised many, many babies over the 21 years in childcare and I can't think of one instance when it made a difference.

Relax and enjoy your new little boy!

C.

I think you need to just relax...and try you very best to ignore the snide little remarks that your MIL is making....or maybe they aren't meant as "snide" maybe she is just being "funny". Babies are all different...my youngest daughter was SO easy to burp...no patting needed...you just laid her flat then sat her up on your lap...as she sat up...she burped...magic!!! My other 2 daughters were more the "beaten" version that you have...I would rub and rub and rub their backs...pat lightly...then give up and use a more firm touch with a flat hand to get the burp up and out. When she says that you are beating him...just think of a clever comeback...practice it in front of a mirror until you can say it without even thinking!!!
Each of us have our own ways of raising a child...and unless we are doing something that is dangeroud or harmful...we need to be allowed to be the parent and the grandparent needs to sit back and keep QUIET!! I was a rather traditional Mom for my day...( MY children are now 27 - 45 years old....) my two daughters who have children are more the "earth mother" style of parenting...they both co-sleep...plan on home schooling ...go with the organic, natural foods...etc. My husband and I have had many discussions at home about some of the things they have chosen to do ( you should hear him on the current plans for a home birth for our oldest daughters 2nd child...lol) but we never EVER tell our girls that we disagree with what they are doing. They have both done a lot of research...they are both madly in love with their children and their families are happy and healthy and wonderful!!! That is the outlook that your dear MIL needs to adopt!!!
Good luck to you...you need to just quietly and firmly stand up for your way of doing things....pick your battles...it doesn't matter that she burps the baby in a different way than you do...but you can stand up for your beliefs if she decides to start feeding the baby something you don't want him to have...or something like that. Relax...she is learning how to be a Grandma just like you are learning how to be a Mama!!!

CONGRATULATIONS!! On your baby!!

How great that your MIL is there to help and be with you!!!

My first son was an easy burp, there were times I could let him "ride" my leg - you know - like giddy up horsey? and he would burp - my second son? Had to, for lack of better words, pound his back to get him to burp.

If your baby had been a NICU baby - your MIL would see how they treat the babies there - firm hands and tender loving.

Just explain to your MIL that he NEEDS a stronger/firmer pat on his back to get him to burp - you tried being gentle and it didn't work - as evidenced when he gets fussy with her.

It's OKAY to tell her how you feel. It's OKAY to have a good line of communication between the two of you. At least she's saying it to you and not everyone else BUT you.

TALK with her!!

Everyone has "their way". If he doesn't burp when she does it, you just do it when she gives up.
I used to call my dad sometimes when my #1 wouldn't burp. He'd come over, pick up the boy - not tap him or anything - the boy would pull his little legs up and he'd burp... Dad would then turn around and head home.
It made me CRAZY!!! How could he do that??? Some people just have the burpie gift, I guess.
Don't sweat the small stuff - and really this is just a blip on the radar screen. It seems like a huge thing, but it's not. Just let her do what she does. Let her enjoy this little bundle. You can do things your way when she's not there. Life is too short...
Grandparents are allowed to do things differently. They are allowed to give cookies before dinner and soda for snack. My kids are teens... I learned to let the grandparent stuff go a long time ago. My children have an awesome relationship with all of the grandparents -- and that is what really matters.
LBC

My MIL is like the supreme baby burper of all time and she would like just barely tap them and they would just belt them out!!LOL When my hubby would get a hold of them I would swear he was going to crack a rib or something!! What I would do is just let her do it and then if there is no burp then whenever she put baby down I would just get him and burp him while chatting with her and I would never say anything about it personally. I actually had trouble learning to burp the first time and I was so much better the second time around, burping is an art form ;) My MIL does do some things different than me but that is bc she is Nana!! She will give them cookies sometimes before dinner or stuff like that. I don't worry about it bc a happy relationship with Nana is more important than a few cookies :D My husband and I always tell my boys that they have never met our mothers bc the people they call Grandma and Nana are not the same ladies that raised us!! Kind of a long standing joke! Now one time my MIL was convinced I needed to get my son off of milk. She was telling me all about it. I had talked to my son's doctor who has assured me milk was not the issue with why he was sick. I was just listening and then she asked if I was going to get rid of the milk. I just said "no, I talked it over with his doctor and she didn't feel I needed to do that right now" Case closed. She didn't bother me about it anymore and I didn't come down on her. So I would say try to let most things roll off or come up with a lighthearted response and your relationship will be great. I would only actually check someone who was really out of line like in a big way. Congrats on the new baby :D

No advice on the MIL aside from nodding your head and doing it your way. This one is a small issue though. I got told I beat my babies too but if they didn't burp their tummies hurt. When my daughter was in the NICU you could hear some of the nurses patting those tiny little baby backs from across the room! Babies cry if they don't like something so this brought back memories. Lol

This too shall pass is a great saying with dealing with this. We all have our right way of doing it and while the MIL might not do it the right way at least she is making the effort and doing it out of love. She probably thinks since you are a new mommy she can teach you some things and she is probably right so let her "teach" you and give her great praise for it even if very minor and act really grateful. That way when you do things your way she won't feel under-appreciated and maybe you in return can "teach" her how your baby likes to be burped.

I went through this too and used a lot of "you are so helpful, thank you so much, can you show me again and what about this" to the inconsequential stuff then when we hit the important things she would listen to me more and not really get her feelings hurt.

Do you plan on telling your DIL that she pats your grandchild much too lightly and she needs to listen to you because you know how to do it right?
Ahhh. ...Don't correct her, you will need her much more than you know.

Updated

Do you plan on telling your DIL that she pats your grandchild much too lightly and she needs to listen to you because you know how to do it right?
Ahhh. ...Don't correct her, you will need her much more than you know.

it doesn't sound like a deal breaker to me, just a new mom who thinks she's doing right by her baby and is really bugged by someone doing something differently. try to swallow it. your baby will be past the burping phase soon, and then i'm sure the issue will be something else. correcting her in any way will likely just create more issues. save the big drama for when it's something really important. if she allows him as a 3 year old to play outside by the pool by himself, for example :) just saying. she doesn't sound like a terrible person. just different than you. and she did raise your husband. i would not say a word.

your baby, your rules. but i do hope you figure out a way to be relaxed about this. it's such a tiny, tiny issue. many babies do far better being massaged than being patted at all. your instincts with your own baby may well be correct (although it's not totally out of line to consider that a first time mom may have a few things she could learn from an experienced one.) but your MIL probably has a feel for things too. she's not going to hurt him by burping him gently, or with a pacifier. and you're lucky that she's a quiet one.
pick your battles, hon. you can certainly win this one, but in the overall scheme of life, creating tension with a sweet loving MIL over this is almost certainly not worth it.
khairete
S.

Try to keep in mind that a relationship between grandma and grandchildren will be different. Grandmothers will do things differently because that is what they know, they aren't doing it to annoy you it is what they did when they raised their children. I am not a grandmother, but I am an older mom who cares for infants in my childcare center. SOOO many things have changed from when I raised my kids and I have to admit sometimes I think the all of the change is nonsense. As an older mom our first response is "Our kids survived" lol.. So you do need to tread lightly because it may come off as you didn't do things right and I am. It is difficult I would think for a grandma to do things your way if they are set in their ways. So, I think if it you can say things in a kind way, for instance. Oh the doctor said this is how I need to do this, or this is what the doctor recommended but thanks for your suggestion. I think it can come off easier. Also, as you said she is opposite of you so she isn't going to do things like you, just as I am sure your mom may not either. Try to overlook and cut her some slack. Grandma's are special and they spoil, and they let the kids break the rules, but the children do know the difference so it won't harm them. One time my mom sat for my kids when I was at a wedding and allowed my son to eat an entire jar of Marichino cherries, needless to say he vomited them all up. When I said to her mom why did you let him do that she said he wanted to. LOL. My mother in law was the same way, she spoiled both of my kids, and when they were home they knew it was home and not grandma's hours. That is what makes going to Grandma's house so special and so much fun.

I had huge issues with my mil too. I came to learn that it just wasn't worth it. Like you, I made issues bigger when I guess they really didn't need to be. It was a matter of me letting go of a little control (which I will admit is hard because I like to be in control) and of just realizing that I can't change her but I can change me. I prayed a LOT, asked God to help me and it's MUCH better now. It's still NOT easy to let her do things that I would never do but unless I find it to be a really negative influence or something that could cause harm I just let her do her thing. This is also easier as she lives 4 hrs away so I don't have to "deal" with her all the time (but for a few days at a time when there is a visit). Try not to sweat the small stuff and save it for the bigger issues, you'll discover what the real issues are as you continue on in motherhood. It will only get easier through YOU and your response, that's the only thing I know for sure. Good luck!!

I know exactly how you feel. Both my mom and MIL do things differently than I do and it can really get on my nerves. It bothered me more with my first child for sure...we new moms can sometimes overreact...I know I did. But what I've figured out is that it's better to keep quiet unless it's something that could harm the child. Especially since this is your MIL... it's definitely a delicate relationship like you said. I once put my son in time-out at my MIL's house and she went to him and hugged him and said "I'm so sorry you have to be in time-out". Really made me mad! I let my husband intervene because I knew that if it came from me, it would not go over well. So if there is anything that you feel really needs to be addressed, try to let your husband mention it. Otherwise, try to let some of it go...I know it's hard, but in the grand scheme of things, it probably isn't a big deal. It's not worth putting a strain on the MIL/DIL relationship if you can help it. Good luck to you :)

My MIL (thankfully a seasoned grandma of 5 by the time DD came along) thought we patted DD too hard, too, but DD would not burp! She was such a solid little thing, too.

I would try to talk to her. We told MIL (and I think it helped that we both spoke to her) that DD was a frustrating baby to burp. We were over one time and MIL was trying to burp her to no avail so we offered suggestions and talked calmly about it. MIL realized from that experience that 1) DD was fine and 2) she really did have a tough time. We had also discussed it with our pediatrician and she said that firm was fine, but if we left marks or DD cried, it was too hard. We tried rubbing her back or laying her different ways and it didn't work.

I think that if you otherwise get along with her, that you and your DH will have to have many discussions with her about modern guidelines and what specifically works for your child. While not everybody does exactly what we do, if the worst thing that happens with my DD is that Nana (my mom) gives her an extra cookie when she didn't do a great job at her lunch, then I'm not going to sweat it. I'm sure DD's daycare did things their own way, too. And occasionally I learned something, like how tight a diaper can be (my mom did it the same way) and still be comfortable for baby.

It'll be alright.

I agree with Charlotte Z....my family (on both sides) live at a min of 350 miles away. We have ZERO help. being new parents is no picnic especially when you have no support. ANY support (even if its not your view) is helpful. I would let this one go....she is just trying to help and is very excited about her new grandchild. :)

I can see why you are annoyed. But keep this in mind. As a new mom we are overly sensitive and we tend to do do things over the top. I was this way with my first and my mom laughed at my face and my MIL laughed behind my back. I stayed upset. But then once my 2nd came along, I remember looking back and laughing at my self thinking, wow, did I really do that.

So my suggestion is, as hard as it may be, just take her words with a grain of salt, let them be, if you think they are offensive and stupid, just ignore them and let her think you are listening then let it go. Do things your way and let her do things her way. She is not going to hurt the baby as she loves that baby.

As a new mom and as you are watching your child grow, you are going to get tons of advice from lots of people who think there way is better than yours. Dont take it to heart, they really are just trying to be nice and offer advice. When my baby sister had her first 6yrs after my first, I caught myself bitting my tounge alot. Some people just can bit there tounges.

Im sure you are doing just fine and your baby is going to thrive. As far as burping, I agree with you, if hes not crying then your not hitting to hard. and I agree withthe one poster that said, make a joke out of it and your MIL is doing something that is just really bothering you, blame the pedi and ask her if she can please try it the way doctor suggested.

This would make neither of you right, which will be easier for her to take... Dr. Harvey Karp who wrote The Happiest Baby on the Block, has an awesome technique for burping babies. He "sits" them on his knee and gently bounces them up and down, just like you do with toddlers and kids when "riding horsey". It worked PERFECTLY for our daughter, and no more spit-up with the burps.

As for other issues that will, no-doubt, arise, Carolyn Hax, a local columnist in the newspaper had this suggestion; first acknowledged their suggestion, then remind them "that they raised different kids under different circumstances — and that, like all parents, you and your husband now have to use your best judgment to raise the kids you have under the circumstances you have."

It worked really well when I used it on my Father, who is very opinionated and overbearing. :-)

Don't you just hate it when people claim to know more than you when it comes to how you do things with your baby? I've had family and friends, and heck, even strangers infuse their input my way because "they could do it better." Your MIL had her babies, raised them. Now it's your turn. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your MIL, so from your post, I don't get the feeling that she is overbearing in any way. This is good for you and since she has a quiet demeanor, she is unlikely to be confrontational with you. Another good thing. Just say to her kindly, that your baby burps better when he is tapped a bit harder. Reassure her that she is not hurting the baby but DO encourage her to burp him a bit harder because otherwise he won't burp and he will be fussy and a fussy baby makes a grumpy mommy. Maybe you could show her and when you know she uses the paci, hide it. Grab it before she gets to it and if she asks for it, tell her that the baby doesn't need it. No need to argue over such things but if it bothers you that much, it's best to bring these situations to the table so she knows where you stand and how you feel. You are not criticizing her if you talk to her in a kind and loving way.

First let me help you with burping your son. While you are not hurting your son at all by “beating him up” as your MIL put it, I have learned the “correct” way to burp a baby. You are supposed to rub your hand on his back in a circular motion until he burps, which is supposed to be quicker and easier, so give it a try!

About your MIL who doesn’t know how to keep her big mouth shut. MIL’s like her (mine included) irk the hell out of me! They need to realize that everyone is different, which means that everyone does things differently. The fact that you and your MIL do things differently does not make either one of you right or wrong, however, YOU ARE YOUR BABY’S MOTHER - NOT HER!!! And since you are the mother, you win! She already had her chance to raise her children decades ago and now it is your turn! Whenever she butts her nose in where it doesn’t belong, politely remind her that you are mother and you are going to do it your way, just like she did things her way when she raised her kids! Yes, tell her that. MILs like yours need these kind of reminders. If all else fails, have your husband talk to her since she is his mother and will be much more likely to listen to her own son than to you. Congrats on your first baby!