No Sex Drive - Mercersburg,PA

I also work and have two daughters 2 and 7 months. I try to watch a romantic movie, read a romance novel, and use KY gel if necessary. It doesnt always work, but at least he knows I'm trying.

I've heard that there is nothing sexier than a husband who is scrubbing the floor or vacuuming (cleaning the bathroom?). Tell him this several times and he may get the idea eventually.

I should follow my own advice.

Good luck!

You sound just like me, by bedtime I just want to go to sleep. My husband was pretty frustrated with me telling him I'm tired all the time too. I decided to pick 2 days a week when I'm feeling my the best that I can to ask him to have sex. (I didn't tell him this). That way he isn't complaining and he's still getting it a couple of times per week and I get to pick when I feel like doing it. That way on the nights I'm not too tired, I'll do it and on the nights where I feel like I'm too exhausted I don't. It's really helped us and I feel more affectionate towards him too.

As you can see you are not alone. This is such a common issue with mothers. I have gone thru the same thing after my 6 yo daughter was born. I have had absolutely no desire for sex. I have to say I'm very blessed because my husband is a big help with the kids/chores and what not. What I've found to work is the take time for yourself either to exercise, meditate, shop,read, get involved with a group to meet other women and make friends. I started my own Arbonne business because I wanted to do something for myself and it has changed my life in so many ways. I've made amazing friends and feel that I'm taking more time for myself and that has changed my whole outlook on life. I'm so much happier with myself and the person that I'm becoming and that has filtered into every area of my life. As moms we tend to put ourselves at the bottom of the list and by doing this our cup ends up running empty and we don't have anything else to give. It's very important to take time for yourself. It's not being selfish it's being a better mother, wife and person. Another suggestion is to try having sex in the morning before you are whipped after a long day. It is very important to plan it also because once you start "doing it" again you do reconnect and will notice that you feel closer to your husband and better about your relationship. You might want to also discuss with him about where your coming from. That after working a long day, keeping the house in order and taking care of your girls you are beat so maybe if he could help out some you might have some energy left to "help him out". Why do you think he is "ready to look elsewhere?" Sometimes being on the pill can affect your sex drive. I know that part of my problem was hormonal also. I hope that some of these suggestions help. Good luck and give yourself some time to have fun and enjoy life again so that you can refill your cup and have something to give.
Take care,
M.

I have 3 kids (5 yrs,3 yrs,16 months) and I have been in your shoes. Well I still am. I am relieved when my husband actually falls asleep before me or has something to do other than me. I love my husband to death and he is very supportive of my career and helps out a lot around the house and with the kids but life after kids is just different for men and women. There is no way he's ever gonna fully understand your position and visa versa. You have to figure out how to come to some arrangement. And really that means if you want to keep you husband you have to suck it up and give in sometimes. Even if you initiate sex once a week he'll be so thrilled instead of feeling rejected by you the difference will amaze you. You might also enjoy being in control of the situation. I find that I still enjoy sex when we are actually having it but the thought of it beforehand is such a burden that it turns me off. But if you can get it over with quick and get some guilt free sleep after you'll feel great and he'll be satisfied. I hope this helps.

B.,

Let me start by saying that I am the homeschooling Mama of four children seven and under. Tired is a fact of life here as well. My husband and I have been married eleven years.

God really changed my heart on this topic a few years ago. I feel like He gave me a glimpse of what my huband really thought. Society would like for you to believe that something is wrong if your husband desires intimacy with you "too often". God created man is this way, however. As women, we often desire to be cuddled or to have a massage that DOES NOT lead to anything else. That fulfills our needs. Men need sex, however.

For a man, they are not comfortable in marriage without this outward sign. Their worth in the marriage, their safety net from the junk at work, and their very health depends on frequent sex. Yes, their health. A man needs vigorous sex at least three times a week for their prostate!

I have had a couple really good resources back this up. Stormie Omartan (Power of a Praying Wife) recommends going into the bathroom and getting ready. Take a quick bath, fix your hair, put on some makeup and perfume, and find some lingerie that you are comfortable wearing. This getting ready outwardly may soften your heart, and your husband will appreciate (even though he'll say it's not necessary) the effort. It will boost his self-esteem that you took these extra 15 minutes for him.

Judy Rossi (who has a fabulous Bible study on marriage, by the way) says that for a woman, sex tends to lead to more desire for it. Does that make sense? So, having sex regularly will lead to regular desire.

Have you ever heard of the book Created to be His Helpmeet? It's a great resource for understanding your man. Now, I will say that it's a bit over the top, and some of it you might not agree with scripturally even, but it does have some really good points. It does provoke you to good works, though. It also has a really valuable section for "figuring out" your husband's personality style.

Lastly, and a bit more graphically, as a woman, it's hard to fake it. Our body is either..ahem...ready or it's....ahem...not. So, get yourself a bottle of Vagisil personal lubricant. Don't tell your husband. Just add it to the bathroom routine and then comfort during sex won't be an issue either.

Once you are in the moment, BE in the moment. Don't focus on how long it's taking when you could be sleeping. Don't think about the laundry. Don't think about the kids walking in......that's what door locks were MADE for! Focus on loving your husband!

Good luck! The work will all be worth it on the other side! There is much satisfaction in doing something just because it serves another person, so learn how to feed off that! Best wishes!

My advice would be to take the weekend out of the house, without the kids, dinner and a little bit of alchohol. That would help jumpstart your sex life. once you have a great weekend, you both would want more.

I have three girls all under five and I stay at home and still don't want any. That's the way we were made, but I love my husband, I want to meet his needs as he tries very hard to meet mine. I know one day the sparkle will come back my husband and I are praying about it and waiting expectantly. Our spouses should come b4 our children (forsaking all others includes the children).

What I've tried: Have relations before he goes to work. Take a nap b4 he comes home so you have some energy for him-who wants 2b last on the totem pole. (what if he always did things with your girls-hugging, cuddling,reading,movies,zoo,museum,etc. but never did anything with you). Put in a children's video. Don't clean up that day. There r also some herbs at the GNC I considered but didn't bcause I was nursing. Think about what it'd be like if he left. If he cheated on you.

But think about how your husband feels. He feels rejected and disrespected.

If it is all about your girls, take it from a child of divorce - give him some for them - they need their dad at home and to see you two treating each other right.

Good books: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands - Dr. Laura Schlessinger and God Is In the Bedroom Too - Wilson

May sound silly but a church friend of mine told me she would just "do it anyway" and she prayed later for the desire and got it. As for me.... I do it anyway and he knows I am tired and dont feel like it but that I am "going along" anyway for him. And he dont mind that for now. Ha whatever.. In order for me not to become resentful I TRY to "get something" that means something to me.. like dinner or just time alone to talk when possible. to communicate SOMETHING. Both my girls are up and down all night and I KNOW how you feel! I say all this to say.... u been married to long to give up. You are tired and really its not WORK to have sex. (though it is a form of giving yourself and time and FEELS like work). It dont usually take more than 1/2 hr. or less. ha ha ha Once in awhile I get surprised and it dont turn out so bad after all. And everyone feels better no matter what after the fact. Maybe if you just try anyway it will all pay off. you dont want to ruin your marriage. and things do change. I feel the same at times too...my husband works alot. we NEVER go anywhere alone if at all. he goes to bed a 5pm sometimes...blah blah blah
Do what you can, it will be worth it. Prayers,
K. :) THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR GIRLS IS TO KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE..LOVE HIM THE BEST YOU CAN. THEY WILL SUFFER IF YOU PARTED! LOVE THEM BY LOVING HIM TOO!!

Hello B.,

You have gotten good advice from many people, but I want to stress reading the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands - Dr. Laura Schlessinger. For some reason men feel and know they are loved by the sex. In my marriage when I refuse to have sex or just say I am tired all the time, then I notice that my husband becomes distance and everything in life gets more difficult. When I have sex willingly and try to be the women he married, then everything in the household becomes happier and my husband can't refuse me anything. I hope all turns out well.

Hey, B.

I have 3 children and have been married for 17 wonderful years. I think all women have the same problem especially when we start fulfilling our role of mother and not sexual partner. Think about those things that attracted you to your husband. Think about the feelings you had when you were at your sexual peak. Try to stay in touch with you and not your role as a mother. It was very difficult for me to be a hot mama in the bedroom after being mother, accountant, cook, maid and personal assistant for the day. Stay in touch with who you are as a woman not a mother. Hope it helps you find the heat again. Take time out for you to be just lovers not parents. Good Luck and enjoy!

L. Mason

Hi B.,

I recently had the same issues with my marriage and found that the combination of the BC and just being tired was the culprit. I had talked to my gynecologist about this and he suggested I use Paraguard. It's a copper IUD and it contains NO hormones. I do admit your period will be longer, but it is worth it. Since I switched I have had a lot more energy. I also suggest you sit down with your husband and explain to him that if he wants certain things from you than you have to get some help. I know a lot of husbands can get offensive, but I think after about 20 times my husband had finally realized that he needs to help out. I wish you all the luck. I know this can be a real burden on you marriage as it was with mine!

J.

I am not a therapist but I read what you wrote and you seem to be saying that he wants it and you don't and you don't feel like giving it to him. Well that seems normal to me. So basically if you wanted it too you could enjoy it together again. But how? Sounds like you need sometime away to do what makes you enjoy yourself more. For me, it's to get dressed up and look like a sexy woman again like I did before kids and to go out to eat with friends.. something like that because it seems to me if someone wants sex, they won't care how tired they are and would be interested even after a long day with the kids. The other thing of course is to get more sleep! The men need to just understand that they have a role in this thing and if they want the woman to want sex, she needs to be taken care of. She needs time for herself and time to sleep. I guarantee if you took all of this "me" time away and let him care for the kids full time he wouldn't want it either. The basic gist is to figure out what helps you to feel great about yourself and to be healthy and ask him to help you to get there. Tell him to stop focusing on the sex and to put more focus on helping you to be healthy and happy and he'd probably find a new woman to romp with. Anyone agree??

You need to take a day out of your busy schedule and spend with your man. A lot of times daily activities will get you tired. But you still have an obligation to your husband. Since he has already started complaining about it you need to change some things because chances are he could be creepin.

I can only imagine how it is being a full-time hairstylist, standing on your feet all day and trying to please your customers. But you should use that same energy and try to please your husband.

I wouldn't recommend any medication to help with your sex drive. In my opinion it's a mental thing, you have to want to change it for yourself.

Hello B.,
Communication is so important. It sounds like you two are tired and just plain irritated at the situation and now each other. I know when my husband wants to make love, which is all the time, I'm usually not ready either. I have a 21 month old and I'm pregnant. I get morning sickness all day and to top it off I've been sick with a cold for a week, doesn't seem to stop him but he has to understand that I just can't every time he wants to, and he gets over it, until next time. ;-) So, talk to your hubby. You say he is wonderful, so if he is then he'll listen. You just need to make sure he understands you and you understand him. Yes, they are men, they are made differently than us. They do typically need sex more than us, even if our libidos are souring! Also, if the you think the bc's are the cause, does he know this? Maybe you both should go to your doctor to talk about this. Men really do want to understand us, we just have to let them. Maybe you could even suggest a nice evening together with some essential oils to help you relax and nice massage from your husband. Just be open and honest with him and try not to turn your love life into a battle zone that really could cause some real hurt. In the end if none of this works then see if he'd be willing to talk to someone with you about this. Sometimes it's easier to open up to someone else who is not in the situation.

I hope this helps and I hope you two really sit down and talk about everything and get it ALL out in the open.

Blessings,
P.

You should go to marriage counseling. Even if you do have a physical cause for your lack of sex drive, counseling will help you and your husband communicate and understand each other better during this time.

Really sounds like you and your husband need a moment away from the kids. If you don't have family in the area like me, than it's really important to find someone you can trust and head out for an evening with your husband. Balancing "life" can be a real challenge. It's hard to go from career women to mommy to wife. Somewhere along the way our identity is lost. Find some time for the two of you to get away even if its for an hour. The important thing to remember is why you married your husband. Re-live the days before children and maybe that might put a smile on your face and get you going again! Remain positive and surround yourself with people who want your marriage to be a success. And most of all talk with your husband. Good luck!

Although it could be a chemical thing the more connected you are physically the more you will want to do it. Kind of like working out...its tough to get going but for most after a few weeks you can't go without it. So (although it sounds funny) suck it up and do it anyways and although you may not be getting alot out of it...focus on the closeness you and your husband are experiencing at that moment. Remember that moment and do it again within the next few days...and then again within a few days. It is amazing how eventually it will almost automatically kick in your sex drive. And soon you will find yourself wanting it again. Plus when the sex in a marriage is good - every other communication improves - patience, tolerance, good mood, etc. and you will even get along so much better. It works but you have to suck it up and just do it for awhile - even if you aren't feeling it that night. (And this comes from a full time working mother married for years).

If it helps, my problem was the BCP's themdelves. I switched from all kinds til I finally went off completely and now everything is normal again. I can relate completely. I thought it was being a "mom" too that had me not interested, but it wasn't it was the BCP's. If you can find alternate BC I would try that before you lose your marriage :)

Hi no sex drive... your situation is very sad. I'm not married, I'm a single mother of two kids 18, 11. I understand having to hold down so many resonsiblities, thats whats holding you back. You're not relaxed. Your mind and body is contently going in the other direction. I'm sure you've already gotten this advice; I think you/your husband should seek professional help, and though this you will be thought how to relax. Do remember your husband is also important; maybe if he help you out with some of the responsibilities you could learn how to relax. I'm not a professional. I do know what stess can do to the body, you would be amazed. You have to understand your husband feelings, as he should understant your. Communicate as positively as possible. Get away...together...just you two.

sign,
It'll be ok

Hello B.,
I understand how hard it is to try and be all things to everyone. You have no real time for yourself or anyone else. Having a family can take a lot of planning for you. It appears that you got married and started a family before you enjoy being together. So here is my suggestions 1. Talk to your OBGYN person about your lack of a sex drive. 2. Get a babysitter or maybe a family member who will take your girls for a three day getaway. You two need to getaway for that time. 3. Learn about your man; his likes and dislikes. 4. Talk to him about what you are feeling your likes, dilikes and how importance your married is too you. 5. Remember he is also apart of this relationship and if all he wanted was SEX: he could have gotten that with marrying you.
You really wouldn't want him to turn to someone else; not really. Here is what I can give you; remember the three days getawy? If you go to my website www.bettyboop2travel.com there is a coupon for a three days two nigths stay.
Have a wonderful Valentine's love is in the air for you.
Peace
Betty Boop 2 Travel.

Ok you need a spark and here is a fun way to get that spark back with added benefits first how bout having an affair with your husband! Try leaving little notes around the house on his phone and tell him you want him usually that is all they want to hear. Also make a date night it does work. At least twice a month without your kids go out to dinner a movie have a fantasy night things of that nature stop looking at sex as another job its really fun and the added benefit you stay looking young, cuts the stress in your life also and its all about you I think we as women forget that and think the whole world is going to fall apart if we have a bit of fun for a few moments in our lives. No pill is going to help you until you just remember its not another job but a destresser!!! It does get easier trust me I had 4 kids all under the age of 6 one time but they are all grown now except the baby and she is 16. I use to think the same way until I took the job out of sex and let it just be fun remember if you dont use it you will lose it!!! Whisper sweet nothings in his ear and things you would like to happen and pretend he is a new man in training try different things trust me you wont be sorry either!! Have fun

Hey B.!

A male friend of mine takes Yohimbea but I heard that's formulated for men. I would recommend going to a natural herb store type thing and ask them for the women's version. I've also heard that zinc is helpful.

Where is your husband's help around the house? I'm a FIRM believer that if he wants to "get busy" at night, and you are tired, he needs to relieve some of that stress that you have by helping out (cooking, cleaning, homework, baths, putting the kids to bed). I noticed that you referred to your daughter as "my 3 year old," she is BOTH of ya'lls 3-year old. Therefore, he is just as responsible for the upkeep of the children, the house, etc. He needs to see, that in order for you to even be in the mood and have the energy, he needs to chip in.

Try to think about what you all did before you were married. Go out on dates again, have a "midnight rendezvous" somewhere in the back of a car...lol...But anyway, it sounds like you really need some rest for real (and he needs to help).

Talk to your OBGYN, there are things that can help. Comming from a Dr. you don't have to worry about something tearing up your internal organs and your OBGYN can monitor your progress and side effects, if any.

As a mother, full-time employer and student it's hard to just pull away from doing you daily routine. My suggestion is to follow you into the bathroom and get it on in there, act like strangers and go out on dates (role playing), or have movie night (you might not make it to the end but you are taking care of him and yourself too). I have no time for extra because once I leave from my 9-5, I'm selling Avon so my phone is always on my ear then I'm on the computer doing school work while I'm doing other things in the house. My husband helps out dearly (more than most men) so we work together to get in our “me time”. If you don't have time, ask him to help with the dishes and you play around like you was in a park alone. I hope you tow make it in your marriage because it's not easy when you don't try.

C.

I had a similar problem when I went back on the birth control pill after the birth of my first daughter. My libido, which had always been really healthy, just plummeted, and I felt really depressed abut it. I tried a couple of different formulations, but no luck. I finally went off of the pill, and BAM!, it came right back. I was my old self! I would definitely try a few months without the pill to see if your problem might be hormonal.

I understand B. what you are saying. I was going to try this new technique it is hypnotherapy. They actually have an office in Crofton that works with people on their sexual issues through hypnotherapy. The lady came to our mother's meeting and some of the members have had success. Also do you all ever go out without the children and enjoy adult time maybe that would help. Just a thought.

Hi B..
You should try to change your diet. I know if you eat a lot of Dairy products( Milk, yogurt,coffee, etc), your sex drive decreases. Try to drink more Fruit Juices, and vegetables.

B., I don't know something in particular to recommend to you as far as the sex drive alone, but I don't feel its an isolated thing. Especially for women - we tend to need a lot more to go with sex - affection, acknowledgement even, a little help around the house or with the kids can work wonders too. So, my suggestion, as I have seen the results with others, is to go to counseling. When your husband can realize and understand the things you mentioned - working all day, plus taking care of house and kids, then he needs to pitch in and do certain parts of those things too in order that you would not be as tired, plus be able to be closer through working together. Hope this helps!
B.

Have you been to a doctor? First thing i would do and did. Might be something physical.

Does your hubby ever help you around the houe or does he leave it all up to you? Does he ever try and do something romantic? Perhaps if you suggest these things, it would help you kick start your sex drive again. If he helps you reduce your stress, then it will come back.

Go to marriage counseling, NOW! It could be that you don't have a sex drive b/c you are frustrated with him then add in being a working mom and that pretty much sums it up.

I will be divorced in another two months. My ex started hounding me for sex one week after my c-section. He was constantly hounding me for sex yet never helping me with the baby, not coming home after work, being a crappy dad and husband. So, I finally realized why I had no sex drive! There were many many factors in why we split the sex drive was just a symptom.

Go to counseling, find out what the underlying problem is..and make him understand what he needs to do to help you out. I am sure if he helped around the house you wouldn't be so tired and may think a little more fondly of him:) If you are in the Reston area I know of a great counselor who does individual and marriage. Message me if you want her info.

Good Luck, and don't blame yourself!
S.

B., I am definitely understanding where you are coming from. I went through the same thing with my sons father it wasnt that I didnt have any interest in it but like you said by the time I got home and place my son to sleep then that was the last thing on my mind. However it did impact our relationship to the point where that was the reason we are not together to this day otehr than that he was a great companion but I also have sickle cell and I get tired easily so I wasnt interested as often as he was. I still experience it now with my new boyfriend soon to be fiancee and I went like a month and he was ready to break up with me; he said I was treating him like he was CHEATING or something. I am on the Depo Shot and one of my girlfriends told me that it makes yor sex drive go down. The way I feel I probably can go a whole year without any sexual activity. In which I have been that long before.

Hi B.,

You've gotten lots of great advice, so I won't repeat much of it again. But, it does seem to be more of an energy and emotional thing (i.e. you're tired and feel pressured = hard to get into the mood). Perhaps talk with your husband to express why you don't desire sex. I've found it helpful to discuss our schedules and compromise on a time. By 9 p.m. I am too pooped to get naked. But, if we go to bed earlier I might be more inclinded. Or, go on a day date. Have lunch, a glass of wine, remember why you were initially attracted to him, and then go to a hotel to reconnect. I also agree that it isn't just about you meeting his needs, he needs to be putting in some effort to meet your needs as well. If that means he's got to give you a shoulder rub or wake up a little earlier, then that's what it means. If he's mechanically inclined - explain yourself as an engine - you require maintainance in order to run right and your not getting the maintainance you need.

Good Luck!
S.

Good morning B.,
Does your husband help out with the kids? If not you need to let him know that if he expects you to attend to his needs then he needs to also attend to yours. This is a marriage not a one person show. Just like you I'm sure is their to clean, cook, take care of the children, do laundry etc... and on top of that you are a full time employee. Just that alone is exhasting. You need to sit down with him (no fighting or screaming) and have a heart to heart talk. Let him know how you feel and what he can do to help you out and maybe this will then give time for you and him to focus on each other. You know unfortunely men in general need sex in their lifes to release suppressed emotions that they can't talk about. Unlike us women we can talk about things more openly with friends or family or co-workers, men are not like that so you also need to try and understand him. You mentioned he is great husband, this means you need to put a little more effort in saving your merriage. You could also try a marriage counselor. Some thing else, have you consulted your GYN doctor and told her about your problem? Some times womens Labido decreases for some reason after child birth. But please talk to your husband and explain all of your facts and ask him what can you both do to try and save this marriage, for you both and your girls.

I hope this helps you in some way and the best to you and your family.

N.

Hey B....how about this one? Let the dishes wait for a little while so you can take care of his needs. He'll go to sleep afterward and you can go back to your housework. Just allow him to THINK it's all about him; you can think about that dream vacation you want to take while he's working it out.

Is your sex drive related to your own body image? I was like you for awhile. I was pregnant or nursing for 53 months of our 7 year marriage (and 3 children) and the thought of sex repulsed me. For me, part of it was the thought of his hand touching the fat on my body left over from pregnancy nursing. I got in shape and feel better about my own body and our sex life has improved drastically. I am the one who wants to do it now. I also think that you get in a mind cycle of not wanting to do it and worrying so much. My husband and I both find that we are always glad that we did it after the fact even if one of us wasn't in the mood. The body image thing was HUGE for me... just a thought...

I understand your situation as I feel I am going through the same thing. I am a teacher and by the time I get home, bathe, feed, and play with our son...not to mention throw some laundry on, cook dinner, and maybe grade a stack of papers up to my eyeballs....it is 10pm and I am drained. The last thing you feel like doing is exerting the effort to have sex. But I think about the idea of letting "things to do" come in between my husband and I and realize that if something happened to him tomorrow (God forbid) I would never have that chance to be with him again. When we got married our priest made us promise that we would never stop dating....that we would always put each other first even when we had kids. We adore our son...and it is hard work to be a Mom (sometimes Dads don't get that) but you can't direct all your love and affection to your children and leave none for each other. I like some of the ideas people have shared and I think just spontaneously putting aside the chores some nights and taking the time for each other will benefit your marriage and revive what seems to be lacking. Good Luck!

B.

You sound like you shoulder most of the household responsibilities, which can leave you exhausted. You and your spouce should seek some couples counseling, so that each of you can understand your roles and what culturally you bring to the table, expectations etc. Second, being in the mood is not about a pill or hormones so much as it is mostly a mental game, it is how you feel about yourself, and your relationship. Don't feel sexy...get sexy. What will it talke for you to feel sexy about yourself. Schedule time with your husband, tell him honestly what you need inorder for sex to happen.
Taking time for yoursef is important, eating right and exercising will go along way to help with your energy levels. Emotional baggage is an energy zapper and a mood breaker, food and movement will help with serotonin levles...talking it out with your spouce will too.
You mentioned that you cleaned the house..you do that every day? B., let the house go a little, it is more important to spend time with your spouce then anything else.
One last thing, on one hand you say he is about to go get sex somewhere else, and he complaines, on the other you say he is a wonderful husband.Hummm..sounds like there is some confusion about how you really feel about him.

I have had the same issues over the years and found two things helped me alot. The first was to have a couple of hours to myself (maybe just sitting next to my husband on the couch watching TV or reading or going out to window shop) after the kids go to bed. Mine go to bed early for just that reason. This way I am not going to bed still thinking of all the things I need to do. The second thing is to do it a few times a week no matter what. I feel closer to my husband when we are having regular sex. He is more involved in my life too. We are more affectionate throughout the day if we are regularly having sex too, which makes me feel more like doing it as well. It is a cycle. If you don't do it, you quit wanting to do it at all. I think it does something to their self esteem to consistently be turned down, so maybe they make sex too big of a deal to compensate. Don't know if that makes any sense. Good Luck!

Try 2 things

1) realistic goals. sounds like you too don't spend enough time toghether and are sleep deprived. Sex is not a light switch if you lack the foundation of intimacy. So you first need to be "togehter" and not exhausted. Try a weekend get away just the two of you doing something that brings you two closer.

2) for physical remedies, try acupunture.

Take it from an older woman. Try to get your spouse to help with some chores when he gets home and perhaps the comraderie of doing that will draw you closer. Sometimes men do not understand that relieving us of chores can be a turn on for women who are overworked.
If that is impossible, try to team up with a friend and have a pool to watch each others kids at least once every couple of weeks so you can have a date with your spouse. Keep communicating that you love him and need his assistance in all things. Since males are physical and therefore sex is their way of communicating love, he thinks that you do not love him so work together to find some time for sex.

one thing to do is make a 'sex date.' best if you can get actually away from the responsibilities, or at least make someone else take care of some of them or ignore them so that they're not pressing on your mind.

Hi B.,

I have been where you are and still am. I work full time and take care of two, 4 and 7 year old children, which tires me out as well. I basically explained to my husband that I am tired but I am not too tired to make time for him. Most of the time, we schedule alone time on the weekends when I know that things are alittle more settled. It is really difficult to keep your drive up with so many things going on in your mind. I made a deal with my husband that if he pitched in with the things that tire me out, then we could have more time where I am not tired. We used to have everything taken care of by 8pm put the kids to bath and bed by 9pm so that he could have an hour of quiet and free time before I konked out at 10pm. It worked for awhile but I would rather get hold out until the weekend when I know that I will not be that tired. Sometimes, I surprise him in the early am like 3 or 4 pm before I get up for work and he is so happy. When I am tired, I get a sip of coffee or drink some water and think of how much I do care for him and mentally get myself ready. I think of the days without the kids and how we were so carefree and give him what he and I need to relieve the tension and stress. Sometimes, it's not about me and I don't want him to go elsewhere either.

I know what you mean and feel your pain. For me, while I'm pregnant, sex is the LAST thing I want to do. I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd child and in my 3rd trimester. I've pretty much told my husband that he's on his own right now because a) I'm way too tired & b) sex is REALLY uncomfortable for me right now. He's as understanding as a guy can be, but I know it's hard for him to understand nevertheless. Guys have different sex drives than us and it's hard for them sometimes.

I do worry for you that it's been 3 years since your last child and you're still feeling no drive. Have you talked to your doctor? It could be clinical or emotional. Does your husband help you around the house? Does he help you with the kids? If not, then you should encourage him to do so (if for nothing else to help your sex drive return!). Sex in a marriage is important and while having as much sex as you used to have before kids is most likely unrealistic, wanting to have some sex with your partner is still something that you should want after having the kids. Check into the reason why you're so not into it and be open with your spouse. Good luck!

It saddens me to hear couples in this situation. I to am married and have a 12 year old girl from my first marriage and a 4 year old from my current husband. I too went through the same thing in my first marriage that ended in divorce. My current husband and I now work VERY hard (because we want to) to have a happy successful marriage. We both work full time and run our own business as well that comes along with its own stresses. We make time on a regular basis to have date nights. Raising children and fulltime jobs often leaves you with the feeling of no time so you find yourselves in a rut of work, care for the kids, household obligations, bed and then repeat the next day. If you want your marriage to work it helps to communicate and make a conscious effort together to fix things. It is possible to bring back the spark that may have been put out by the busy, hectic, stresses of daily life. Sex is a great way of "bonding" with your mate and a way to reconnect but first you need to feel connected through communication, affection, compassion for feeling and an understanding of how you both interpret the marriage. Try talking and coming up with a plan of what it is that you both want and need and go from there. You have to dedicate the time for all of this to happen. The sad part is if you allow things to continue and not facing the situation headon eventually (if not already) your kids will feel the affects of what is happening. So for nothing else - work on it for your kids so they are in a happy, loving and compassionate environment.