Not Comfortable with My Own Parents Babysitting My Child

A.,

I have to say that I agree with Sarah W. How were your parents in raising you? Did they ever put you in harms way or mistreat you? If the answer is no, then maybe you need to put aside the "demons" that aren't allowing you to let your parents watch your son.

If you feel your parents would be harmful to your son, then I would absolutely not let them watch your son.

You ultimately have to do what you feel is best for your son, but if your parents are good people don't take there grandson away from them. At least try to let them see him whether your there or not.

Unfortunately there is not a whole lot to go on in your request.... It really would depend on what the "strain" is in your relationship. I wish you the best of luck!

mom of 3 wonderful boys 11,9, and 4. Full time working mom (but my youngest only goes to a sitter approx. 10hrs/wk; married for 13+ years.

Not at all! I had a very difficult mother-in-law. I never felt comfortable with her watching the children, and neither did my husband. WE decided that we jusst couldnt leave the kids there and feel relaxed. Though she never had a real strong interest in it until after he died. Then it got worse, she decided she wanted to see them a lot. To make a long story short that turned into a really bad idea and through help of my grief counselor, I had to relocate due to the trauma she was causing me and my son. I would follow your gut instinct on this one. If there is a reason to believe that your child might be harmed by the situation verbally or physically, then it is not worth the risk. You will never fogive yourself otherwise. On the otherhand, If they are able to respect your wishes, and express love to your children while not being negative towards you, then all the love a child can get is a good thing, plus a break for you! Good luck!

No, it sin't weird. It is important to do what you feel comfortable doing, what feels right. However, it is possible that is they are asking to babysit, it is an attempt of trying to rebuild the relationship. Maybe just spening time with them, together, with your son for now, until you feel trusting of them to look after your son without you, is good enough at this point. Wha are your husband's thoughts about it? Perhaps he has some thoughts about it that might be helpful to you.
Good luck!

You don't mention the reason for your strained relationship with your parents. If it is strained because of poor parenting skills, irresponsible behavior, etc then you shouldn't leave your son with them. If they are critical of your parenting style and would do things VERY differently than you, that might be a reason not to let them babysit. If you think, however, they are capable of being good caretakers and your relationship is strained over things not having to do with how they would care for you son, then you might want to reconsider so he can build a relationship with them. Having your parents in your son's life might also help you find a way to reconnect with them if you would like to.

Hi A.,
Go with your gut feelings and don't apologize for it!
You are being a protective mother and THAT is a good thing.

It's better to pay a sitter you trust in dollars than to pay in anxiety or even worse, while your parents watch the kids.
That price is too high!
Blessings!
Justine

A.,
I understand how you must feel. I myself have been faced with many challenges when it comes to babysitting my 5 year old daughter. My husband and myself moved up here from FL less than 4 years ago to what we had expected to be a stable place for her to grow up in and a good working environment for my husband and myself to sustain our family. What exactly happened was that the family that we had expected to take care of us in our time of need or time needed for our daughter to be cared for while we are working was not available. My husband's family is here in this area and although they are sweet and pleasant most of the time counting on them to help us out regarding care for my daughter was a joke. They have watched her for an afternoon or even a overnight stay this year a total of 2 times.
With the cost of daycare and gas going up you can understand our frustrations when my husband and I were faced with paying daycare expenses. Since we have had to adjust our expenses over the last year downsizing from 2 vehicles to 1, I have quit my job working for the local hospital and have placed my daugther in Cen-clear program for 2 times a week relying on them for transporation. We have learned that relying on family to help you out is not always a pleasant experience nor does it pay in the long run. Please do not think that I am not greatful for having extra time at home with my daughter now that I am not working but it does present a problem as my husband now has to work in Pittsburgh during the week to find enough income for us to live on and commutes home on the weekends. My in-laws do bus my daughter and I around for drs. appointments and such however asking them to do much more is like pulling teeth.

So A. I truly understand how difficult it must be to feel uncomfortable leaving your son with your own parents as no one can truly care for your son like you can. I hope that since your request you have found a friend or daycare center to care for your 17mth old son since your posting?

I don't feel this is weird at all and don't let anyone try to tell you otherwise. I knew long before I had children that I would never want my mother in law watching my kids and my husband agreed. It sounds like you have other options so I say use them and tell your parents thanks but no thanks. Trust your instincts.

A., I was right there with you. My mom and I have had such a strained relationship all my life and the one time I did let her watch my kids she took them on a 2 hour trip without my consent! You can imagine how much MORE strained the relationship became. However, I saw her kind of dying inside when she couldn't be with the kids, and also saw that she really loved them and wanted to be a part of their lives. So I've now had her come for visits, and while she's there I let her be with the kids without me too close by. This allows me to keep my distance from her (which mentally I need) and gives them a chance to "get to know each other" without me. But I always stay within earshot to "help out" if need be. I also take this time to get chores done or do stuff I like to do. I still haven't let her watch them alone again, but I actually am warming up to the idea realizing my kids' relationship with their grandparents is a necessary one as long as it remains healthy. Hope that helps you.

You don't say enough about your relationship with your parents to really comment. If there are legitimate reasons for not feeling comfortable leaving your child in their care, then I don't see the problem.

Also, as a mother, it is your choice and responsibility to determine who is capable of caring for your child in your absence.

But if your relationship with your parents is strained for reasons that would have nothing to do with their capability or trustworthiness in watching your son, then perhaps that is something you need to deal with for yourself regardless of whether or not you choose to allow them to watch him.

Hi A., I don't know the reasons for the strained relationship and I don't think it really matters. If you can't feel comfortable leaving your son there, it is something you have to follow your motherly instincts. My parents were not horrible and I do let them watch my daughter, occassionally. I just don't feel comfortable knowing at any point, my mom could go from watching my daughter to her plus the other 5 grandchildren under the age of 4. It just makes me nervous. I struggle with it all the time, because of comments she'll make about now seeing my daughter as much as the other grandchildren. It's hard, but you have to gain strength in your decisions. Definitely talk to your husband and get his opinion, too. Good luck, as I understand it doesn't go away sometimes. :)

im the same way and we live with my parents. they cant follow rules when i give them, so now i have to look for a baby sitter. its ridiculous, but thats how it is sometimes i guess.

not weird at all. I'm fortunate, I trust all the grandparents with my son. However, my co-worker doesn't even have children yet and he has said when he does that his in-laws will not be watching the child. And his wife agrees with him. Hopefully things will change for you, but I agree you should stick with your instincts.

If you are uncomfortable with your parents babysitting your child, then you are not required to leave your child with them. If you are willing to work toward that goal, you could invite them over or take your child over to their home for some play with only them to see how your child responds to them and how they respond to her.

Doing this a few times, might make you more comfortable with leaving your child with them, even if it is just to run an errand or watch a movie.

I have learned that the more people that love my baby the better for her. :)

Hope I helped.

I don't think this is weird at all. Sad, but not weird.

I also do not allow my mom to babysit my 19 month old son unless it is an absolute emergency and totally unavoidable. Thus, it happens next to NEVER. Why? Well... not only was she an awful parent to me, she's still a very selfish person. She literally refuses to see anything from a child's point of view. And her parenting style differs GREATLY from mine. I do not believe in cry-it-out - in fact, at 19 months, we still co-sleep and breastfeed. I will drop everything to give him my undivided attention and go to any length to let him know he's important to me. She's the complete opposite. And he has been hurt in her care twice because of her cold method of "child care". Once, he fell out of my bed - um, yeah, I "co" sleep in my bed; thus, he does not go down for a nap in my bed and get left alone to cry it out until he passes out from exhaustion! But, that's what she did... and he fell out of my bed b/c she'd gone downstairs to read a book while he bawled and scooched himself right out onto the hardwood floors 36 inches away. She even blamed ME for it because there were books in his crib (we don't use it, so there was no hurry to get the books out) - as if she was incapable of moving the books if she intended to leave him, right? She never even apologized. He was 8 months old when that happened. A few months later, she was watching him overnight b/c one of my other sons was in the hospital. Apparently he was again crying it out (this breaks my heart to no end to know he's been through this) in his pack n play while she was downstairs watching TV or whatever. She heard a loud thud and figured he'd fallen onto his bottom in the pack and play. A few minutes later, she went to take some towels to the upstairs linen closet and lo & behold, there was my son at the doorway of the guest bedroom - he'd climbed to the top of the P&P and FALLEN OUT. Thank GOD she had a gate in the bedroom (to keep her dogs out) because only 3 feet away from that doorway is the very steep staircase!!! She wasn't even going to check on him when she heard the thud. Nor was she going to comfort him despite crying for God only knows how long. And, again, no apology. Just an attitude like, "Not my fault."

So, no, I don't think you're weird AT ALL!!